


A Question of Lust

by xxenjoy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Dean's self-loathing, Drunk Sex, Infidelity, M/M, Non-Penetrative Sex, Orgasm Delay, POV Dean, Panic Attacks, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Pining, Praise Kink, Semi-Public Sex, Sex Toys, Sex in a Car, Top!Cas, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, dominant cas, mentions of past character death, wedding planner!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-01-29 05:35:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 137,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12624384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/pseuds/xxenjoy
Summary: Dean Winchester is getting by in life; he's got a good job, a decent place to live, and friends and family who love him. He loves his job, but sometimes being a single wedding planner isn't the easiest thing in the world, and he wants more; he doesn't want to be alone.Enter Castiel Novak, a beautiful client with an absent fiancee, to turn his life upside down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey look, it's been almost exactly a year since I posted anything. 
> 
>  
> 
> **|| Now complete**
> 
>  
> 
> **EDIT** : I did a tag overhaul bc I was annoyed at myself for not doing it in the first place. If there's anything else relevant, I'll add it as I go, or as the chapter in question is posted.
> 
> Side note: the infidelity in this is a pretty major part of the plot, so if it's not your thing, this probably isn't the fic for you.  
> The Dean/Benny in this is fairly brief with only one explicit scene (in chapter 5 if you'd rather avoid it). 
> 
> I would 100% never have gotten this done without [Australis290](https://archiveofourown.org/users/australis290/pseuds/australis290), whether she was telling me to keep writing, or to put it down and ignore it for a little while because it was making me mad. Thank you so much, you are my favourite <3

Ten years ago, Dean Winchester had a plan: he was going to buy a house, marry his long-time girlfriend and become a rockstar. He'd been planning for years, saving up all the money from his paper route, odd jobs that he worked with his dad, and any money that came in from the gigs his band played. They were a little too rock-n-roll for Lawrence, KS, so it wasn't a lot, but any time they played out of town they did very well for themselves. So well, that Dean was certain if they got in with the right people, they'd make it big; in fact, he was depending on it.

Everything was going well until just after Dean's 21st birthday, when his dad died suddenly of a stroke. That hit the whole family hard, but Dean had always looked up to his Dad, and wanted to be close with him, even if that wasn't always the case, and it broke something in him that he didn't know how to fix. His whole life felt like it was spiraling out control and he wasn't able to get a grip on anything. He suffered through debilitating depression that led to alcoholism, which subsequently led to the breakup of the band only a few months later. Even Lisa, who stuck by him through everything, had a hard time dealing with him with his lack of interest in anything and anyone. 

It wasn't until Charlie Bradbury entered his life, nearly five years later, that Dean found something worth getting up for in the morning again. He had burned through his savings being unemployed for so long, and was therefore still living at home, feeling guilty and miserable about taking advantage of his newly widowed mother. Charlie was enthusiastic and bubbly and, as it turned out, just what Dean needed. She brought him out of his protective cocoon, and pushed him to do the things that made him uncomfortable. He may never have left the house if it wasn't for her, but she shared the story of losing her Mom, and Dean found that he could confide in her in a way he couldn't with anyone else. She was a stranger, so he didn't have to worry about her judging him, and she could understand how he felt. The two became fast friends, and slowly but surely, she got Dean up and about again, and even found him a job working for her and her fiancee at the comic book shop they owned. 

As he started learning about the various comic universes, either by reading them or talking to the customers, Dean found something else to pour his time and energy into, other than just drinking and sleeping. It was a long process, one that involved Charlie convincing him to seek professional help to cope with his dad's death, but he did, eventually, pull himself out of his hole. Looking back, he's not sure exactly when how the switch in his life happened, but it started with Charlie, as most things in his life seem to do. 

Lisa left him one day in May, and Dean had been wallowing in self-pity until Charlie called him up the following evening, sobbing because her fiancee Gilda had to take a last-minute trip to Australia for some family emergency. The venue for their wedding had already been booked, and they had family coming from all over, so it was too late to reschedule, but Charlie couldn't plan the whole wedding on her own; they were barely getting it done together, what with running a business and the rest of their everyday life. 

Dean stepped in at that point; unable to leave Charlie stranded after everything she'd done for him, and needing a distraction himself, offered to help her with anything she needed. He knew fuck all about weddings, but neither did Charlie, so they did a lot of research, and asked their friends for a lot of favours. The one thing that came in handy was all the people Dean knew, either on his own, or by association - turns out when you know a lot of florists and bakers, they're willing to give you a good deal. 

Between the two of them, they managed to pull the whole wedding together under budget, and before Gilda even got home, and for someone who had just had his life torn to shreds, Dean felt pretty fucking good about the whole thing. Charlie was ecstatic, and Dean was glad to finally be able to do something to pay her back for everything. 

It was only supposed to be a one-time thing, a favour for Charlie, but then people started dropping hints. His mom was the worst culprit, subtly trying to get his help to plan Thanksgiving, then a Christmas party, then New Years, and it didn't stop with her. So many of Charlie's friends were shocked to find the two of them had planned the entire wedding alone, and would not-so-subtly ask if Dean could help with theirs, so he would, and everything would turn out great, and then more people would ask. 

It was Charlie who initially suggested he start a business, and although Dean was doubtful, she eventually talked him into it. It wasn't strictly weddings at first, but with so many parties and events taking place all year, Dean found himself stretched thin, and decided to narrow down his focus. 

Three years down the line, he's nearly thirty, he owns a small hole-in-the-wall office that he has yet to set up, and he's got a good reputation as a wedding planner in his area, so business is fairly frequent. Dean's happy, for the most part. He loves his job - a lot more than he thought he ever would - but it keeps him from getting out there and meeting someone himself, so he's alone a lot of the time. There's Benny, but he's not more than just a friend most of the time - once upon a time there may have been a chance for them, but Benny made it clear at every turn that dating was not his thing. Dean, however, was dumb enough to hang on to their awkward friends with benefits relationship anyway.

It works for them, or at least it gets Dean by - being a single wedding planner is a trying task, and sometimes it's better to come home to someone who only wants to fuck you than it is to no one at all. It helps that most of the people he works with are good people - his current bride notwithstanding - but his nights can get pretty lonely.

The couple he's currently working with are, probably, good people. At least Dean's willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, despite the fact that his bride - Alyssa Jones - is likely the most spoiled, entitled human being in all of Kansas. It's not just that she tries to make him go over budget on everything - and then berate him for it later the few times he lets her have her way- but she also treats him like some sort of servant. Now, Dean is willing to do a hell of a lot for his brides, but there's a point where it's just _too much_ , and Ally is always trying to get him to cross that line. She really is the worst, though; most of Dean's brides - and grooms, for that matter - are all decent, friendly people who just want to make sure that the happiest day of their lives is the best that it can be. There's a certain amount of stress involved, but that's to be expected, and putting up with a couple days of disagreement is understandable in this line of work.

Truth be told though, Dean loves his job, difficult couples and all. He'd rather be doing this than pretty much anything he can think of, and while that's all well and good, he doesn't appreciate having to wake up at six am to go and be complained to for however long Ally can stand to be in his presence. 

Three more months, he reminds himself, kicking the blankets off and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He only has three more months with this couple, and if he's lucky, most of that will be spent with Ally's mother, who is infinitely more responsible than her daughter. 

Dean skips his usual morning shower in favor of coffee and toast, and sits himself down at the over-cluttered desk in the living room. His roommate - Benny - is always on him about getting his office set up or, at the very least moving it into his bedroom, but never does anything more than grumble about it, so Dean continues on as usual. 

He relocates a stack of bridal magazines and a folder for his last couple, and pulls up his emails, hoping Ally hasn't got some new idea she wants for this week. Surprisingly, there's only three emails: one suggesting he take some online survey to win $1,000,000; one from Charlie that is likely either pictures of cute animals or some long, rambling invite to their next games night; and a third from one Castiel Novak that Dean initially glosses over because it looks like junk mail, because what kind of name is _Castiel_?

Turns out Castiel is the name of a prospective client, one who really seems to have his shit together, which is a the polar opposite of what he's dealing with right now. Dean considers taking him on based on that alone, but he does still have three months left with the Joneses. It might be long enough that he can make it work, considering he wouldn't have to meet with Castiel and/or his fiancee nearly as often as Ally right now, so he could probably work it. Besides, he could use a level-headed couple after the chaos and disarray of the Joneses. He mulls it over for a few minutes, before deciding to email Castiel back and ask to meet with him. He can let the guy know his situation, and talk to him in person before making a decision, and then if he doesn't want to be second to the Joneses, Castiel can find someone else to plan his wedding. Plus, if he seems like he's going to be another shitshow, Dean can turn him down with the Joneses as a viable excuse; it's perfect. He quickly emails Castiel back, letting him know that he is still working with another couple, but he would like to meet to find out if they'd be a good match. 

Finishing that, he changes his mind and decides to have a shower after all. 

Before he can make it to the bathroom, Benny stumbles blearily out of his bedroom and pushes in front of him, grumbling about having to work in half an hour. Most of the time, Dean stays out of Benny's business, and Benny pays him the same respect - the whole sex thing notwithstanding - but he's getting really sick of Benny's three hour nights and basically killing himself slowly because no one will hire another chef. He yells as much through the bathroom door. He says as much, and Benny grunts at him.

"What am I supposed to do, let 'em flounder?" 

"Uh, yeah? Then maybe they'll realize they need to hire a new chef? You can't do this yourself, man, you need some sleep. When did you get home last night?"

"I dunno, three?"

" _Benny_ -" he's about to launch into a rant when, luckily for Benny, his phone buzzes in his pocket. "You're lucky," he grumbles, "but you really do need to say no once in a while." Benny mutters something in response, but Dean has already left the hall, heading to the living room where the shower won't interrupt his call. 

"Dean Winchester," he answers, perching on the arm of the couch. 

"Dean, I'm glad I could reach you. It's Castiel Novak, I just got your email." Dean's caught off guard, because this guy's voice is something else; low and husky, and sexy as fuck. 

"I'm glad to hear from you, I was hoping we could arrange a meeting, sometime this week if you're available?"

"That would be perfect, my fiancee is coming into town this week, but she'll be gone again for a little while after, so any time after tomorrow is good. The earlier the better."

"How about Friday, then?"

"Friday is perfect."


	2. Chapter 2

After he showers, he pulls out his phone to text Sam and groans because he's already gotten four messages from Ally the night before and he's pretty sure she was drinking. He takes a deep breath and sucks it up and pulls on his clothes before heading into the bathroom to make sure he looks presentable. When he's dressed and his hair is tamed, he shoots off a text to Sam to make sure they're on for dinner the following night. They've been having dinner together once a week since Sam moved out, but lately it's been less frequent, between Dean's demanding bride and Sam's... whatever it is that keeps him so busy and so secretive lately, their plans seem to be getting cancelled more often than not. It sucks, but Dean's gotten used to life not going his way, so he deals with it and doesn't take for granted the time he does get to spend with his brother. 

He gets a text back in the middle of breakfast that reads _see you then :)_ and it makes him feel a lot better about the meeting he's going to. There's huge potential for it to be a disaster, especially if Ally is hungover, but at least he'll still get to see Sam this time. And besides, if the meeting's bad, he'll just have something to talk about that's not the lack of meaningful romantic relationships in his life - a topic Sam seems overly keen on in recent years. Dean just tells him he's happy as is - something he's certain Sam doesn't believe - and goes on with it. Privately, he's starting to wonder if he'll ever find someone to spend his life with, but it's another one of those things he rarely faces head on.

Right now, he has other things to worry about. 

Dean packs his tablet and the Jones' wedding folder into his bag, double checking that he has everything he needs, before heading out the front door. With any luck, Ally's mother will be there to mediate.

When he gets to the house, Dean is thankful to find that Ally isn't, in fact, on her own. She's just as hungover as Dean expected, but her mother Marion is joining them for the day - thank _all_ the gods. Dean likes Marion, she's level-headed and moneywise - unlike her daughter - and when Marion is around they usually get actual work done, not just whining and begging like when he's with Ally alone. As far as Dean's concerned, Marion is the only reason worth marrying into this family. 

Ally groans a hello as Dean sits down on the armchair across from her, and Dean just nods politely, returning the greeting. He lays out the folder and the relevant materials on the coffee table between them, and smiles up at Ally, as friendly as he can be. 

"We talked about food last time, and you wanted to have a sit down meal, right?"

"Jamie wants a buffet," Ally mumbles into her pillow. Dean grits his teeth, because this is the third time this month that Ally has changed her mind about eating arrangements. He turns to Marion to ask her input and she just mouths _ALLY wants a buffet_ and shakes her head. 

"Okay, we can do a buffet, but I need that to be your final decision so I can let the caterers know."

"Buffet," she mumbles, more irritated this time. 

"Perfect, what about the flowers? Did you decide which florist you want to go with? We're still doing lilies, right?"

"Yes," Marion puts in, "we still want to do the lilies, and I think we'd like to order from that friend of yours."

"Aaron?" Dean says, surprised. The way Marion responds with a small smile and a curt nod tells him that Ally was not the one to make this decision. 

"Are we done?" Ally grumbles, "I want to go to bed."

"I can go now," Dean says, " but we need to order your favours by the end of this week, that only gives us three days." He's not even trying to hide his frustration now, "you've known that for two months and you haven't even decided what you want to do."

"Jesus, _shut up_."

Dean resists the urge to ask why the fuck she hired a wedding planner when she doesn't even want to talk to him, but he resists, and Marion intercedes, likely saving his job. 

"Okay," she says, rising from her seat, "I don't think we're going to get anything done today. Dean, why don't Alyssa and I discuss the favours a little later on, and I'll send you an email when we come to a decision. I can meet with you later on to order them."

"You don't have to do that-"

"I insist."

Dean rises, packing his things back into his bag, and Marion walks with him to the door, "I''m sorry about Alyssa, she and her friends were out late last night, against my suggestion."

"It's fine, I can't expect her to stop living her life, we just need to get down to it. There's only three months left and Ally's being so indecisive."

"I know. I'll speak to her."

"And don't worry about meeting with me, I'll place the order when you let me know, and we can just figue it out later on. I just want to get it done as soon as possible."

"You're too good to her," Marion smiles, running a hand down his arm, "I honeslty don't know what we would have done without you. Have a good night, Dean, I'll let you know as soon as I know."

"Thanks Marion, take care."

Dean walks back to his car, tosses his stuff on the passenger seat and drives. He turns the stereo up as loud as it will go, and drives straight home, and when he pulls into the driveway, he just barely resists banging his head on the steering wheel. He does, however, punch the horn, and it blares so loudly that Benny actually pokes his head out the door to see what's wrong. 

Dean crosses his arms over the wheel and rests his head on them, groaning into his sleeves. Ally is the most difficult human being he has ever had the displeasure of working with, and he's pretty sure only one of them is going to make it through this wedding. He's vaguely aware of the door opening beside him, and Benny leaning in over him.

"You doin' okay there?"

"I'm gonna kill my client."

"That blonde princess you've been working with?"

"Mmhm."

"She's not worth it, brother. Come on back in. I made lunch, but I've got to get back to work in about half an hour. Elizabeth's waitin' for me, and if I'm late I'll never hear the end of it."

Dean chuckles as Benny pats his shoulder and turns back toward the house. He follows him up the stairs, unbuttoning his cuffs and pushing them up to his elbows. He's got the rest of the day to himself, other than maybe throwing a few things together for his meeting with Castiel and his fiancee, but that will only take half an hour, maximum. 

Benny leaves for work as soon as he's finished dishing out baked potao soup and bread for Dean, and he shouts a quick goodbye from the door before taking off. Dean holds back from bringing up Benny's stupid work schedule again, but it's not worth it; it's barely one in the afternoon, and he's already had enough conflict for the day.

After lunch, he changes into sweatpants and an old Zeppelin shirt and slumps onto the couch, making a mental list of the things he'll need for his meeting on Friday. He's got a lingering headache from his meeting with Ally, so he flicks on the TV and Playstation, resolving to spend the rest of his day killing dragons.

\- - - - -

Friday morning dawns bright and sunny, a nice change from the usual gloomy January weather, and Dean takes that as a hopeful sign for his meeting with Castiel. He showers in cold water to wake himself up, and takes forever to get ready because for some reason, he feels the need to impress this couple, despite the fact that this is sort of a pre-meeting meeting and he hasn't even been oficially hired yet. Regardless of the reason, he picks out his favourite pink shirt - the one Charlie _always_ tells him to wear - and his long black pea coat, because he knows they look the best on him.

The cafe is close, so Dean decides to walk, beacuse with the snow still on the ground, and the temperature so low at night, it will take longer to get the car warmed up and defrosted than it will for him to walk down there. Besides, it's nice out. 

He pulls his bag over his shoulder, slips a scarf around his neck, and heads out. It may be sunny, but the sidewalks are still fairly hazardous. There are infrequent spaces where homeowners or buisnesses have cleared small sections, but for the most part, it's slush. Thank god for waterproofing spray.

He arrives before the Novaks-to-be, as he usually prefers, and stands outside in the small, snow-laden garden to watch for them. He doesn't have to wait long; not five minutes after he arrives, a baby blue '69 Chevelle pulls up and into the side parking next to the cafe. Dean's impressed. Firstly, they showed up on time - early, even - which is always a good sign, and secondly - and more importantly, to Dean personally - that car is fucking beautiful. 

And then the couple emerges from the car, and Dean has to keep his jaw in check because _jesus christ_ , if he thought Castiel's voice was hot, it's nothing compared to the man himself. 

He's fucking gorgeous; a little shorter than Dean, with messy hair like he rolled out of bed the same way Dean did this morning, but it's the only thing out of place. His thick stubble is neatly trimmed, and his blue collared shirt and slacks are free of wrinkles and perfectly fitted to his body. Next to him, his fiancee is much shorter, wavy brown hair hanging past her shouldrs. She's beautiful, Dean can admit, but nothing compared to Castiel. 

Castiel adjusts his glasses as he steps forward toward Dean, and Dean has to remind himself that this sex god of a man is here because he has already found someone to marry, and Dean is supposed to be making that happen. God, why does his life suck?

He straightens himself out, holding out a hand to Castiel, "Dean Winchester," he smiles, "it's good to have a face to put to the voice."

"Castiel Novak. Likewise," he smiles and Dean wants to die, "and this is my fiancee-"

"Meg Masters," she finishes, "we're so glad you could see us, Dean."

"My pleasure. Shall we?" Dean getures toward the door, letting Meg and Castiel go first, and forcing himself not to blatantly stare as Castiel's ass as he passes him. He has to remind himself that he's a grown up and not a horny thirteen year old who can't control himself, and he seats himself across from Meg as they sit down, taking a table near the window. Castiel insists on paying for their coffees, and when Dean opens his mouth to object, Meg stops him. 

"It's not worth your trouble," she smiles, "he won't take no for an answer when it comes to doing something for someone else." Great, Dean thinks, beautiful and kind. 

"I've got a brother who's the same." 

Meg nods in recognition and they make small talk while they wait for Castiel to come back. 

Dean decides he likes Meg right away, she's funny, easy to talk to, and completely sarcastic. Already, even without talking to Castiel, he hopes he'll be able to work with them. A couple like this would be a greatly needed change from the stress of his current bride. 

When Castiel returns, he slides Dean's mug across to him first, and kisses the top of Meg's head as he takes his seat again next to her. It's a sweet gesture, and it sparks that little pit deep in Dean's stomach that reminds him _hey, you don't have that_ , and he clears his throat to try and squash the feeling down. 

"So," he starts, offering a smile, "Castiel emailed me saying that you're looking for a planner because things didn't work out with the last one you hired?"

"Right," Meg agrees.

"I should let you know that I'm still working with another couple, and their wedding is only three months away, so I'll be fairly busy with them for a while yet. By the time you are into the major planning, I'll be finished with them, and I could dedicate all my time to you."

"We can work around the other couple," Castiel assures him, "whatever it takes." Dean's not sure exactly what 'whatever it takes' means, but as far as he's concerned, it makes the Novaks prime clients, because if they're easygoing about him working with another couple, they'll probably be easy to work with. 

"Alright then, first, I'd like to get a bit of a feeling for the two of you and what you're looking for." Both their expressions drop a little and Castiel's lips tighten. Dean can't help but think that this is where the awkward part comes in, because he's never lucky enough to have a great couple with straightforward requests, that would be too easy.

"Actually," Castiel starts, "our situation is a little unusual." Dean raises both eyebrows, and Castiel continues, "we're both based here now, but Meg is still working in Boston, and she works a lot of overtime, so her commute isn't exactly on a set schedule."

"I'm not going to be around for a lot of the planning process," she clarifies, "though I am reachable through text or email most of the time." Okay, so maybe not as easy as anticipated.

"We know it's a lot to ask of a planner, which is why it's been so hard for us to find someone."

"And the last time we did manage to find a planner, she wouldn't stop hitting on Cas," Meg scowls. Castiel shrugs, and Dean tucks that bit of information - and the expression on Meg's face - aside for later use. 

"I make a point to keep my personal and work life separate," he assures her.

"Perfect," Meg beams over at Castiel and then back at Dean. 

"We know it's a huge undertaking," Castiel says, "but you came highly reccomended, and money is no object." Dean tries not to let the shock show on his face, because in all the years he's been doing this, no one has ever said that to him. 

"Cas comes from a wealthy family," Meg says, and Dean's a little embarrassed that his emotions show through so easily on his face. 

The first thought that runs through his head is _are you fucking kidding me?_ He manages to get out, "Uh, yeah. Sure."

Castiel cracks a smile, and Dean's breath hitches, "I know it seems a little unusual, but I want everything to be perfect."

"I totally get it," Dean nods, although he doesn't, because he's never had so much money that he doesn't have to check his bank balance before spending anything more than $500. Both bride and groom breathe a sigh of relief, and the little white lie is worth it. 

"It's so hard trying to find someone who will put so many hours into the job.

"I believe it," Dean admits, "it can be a huge job sometimes, but I'm up for the challenge if you'll have me."

"We would love to, as long as you're not going to try and take Cas home when I'm gone." Dean's inner monologue is laughing at him, but he manages to ignore it, along with the stupid Sam-voice that's telling him that this is a terrible, terrible idea. 

"I think I can control myself," he jokes back, carefully avoiding Castiel's expression. 

"That's good to hear," Castiel smiles, "how do you regularly start your planning process?

"Well, I have a rough timeline," Dean explains, reaching into his bag, "I usually try to stick to that, though of course things don't always go as smoothly as we'd like them to." He slides the laminated page over so Meg and Castiel can take a look. "It's just a basic layout, things change for each couple."

"It's a good place to start," Meg nods.

"Exactly, and once I know a little bit more about you two and your ideas, we can refine that so it works better for you. For example, maybe you have a photographer you'd like to use already, then we can cross that off the list and bump something else up. There are a few things that have to be a priority due to booking and such, but we can go over all of that next time. When would be best for you?",,

"Any time this week?" Castiel offers.

"How would tomorrow work for you? I just have to get a few things together, and I'll need a little bit of information from you two." He slides the checklist over to them, "these are the kind of things I like to go over in the first month, so if you can fill out as much information as you have for next time. If you don't have a decison made, it's not a big deal, you have a copy of my timeline, and we can figure all of that out a little later."

"Great," Castiel beams, "I think we're going to enjoy working with you."

"Likewise," Dean grins back. They take a few minutes to exchange phone numbers and Skype addresses so they can keep in touch at any point, and then Dean bids them goodbye, waiting until they drive away to start his walk home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm looking at how long this is, and I might start posting on weekends as well bc it's 39 chapters and I want to have it all up by the end of the year, but that also means getting up early 2 extra days a week, so we'll see c:

The meeting is shorter than expected, so Dean ends up with a lot of time on his hands. He goes home and sets himself to preparing what he'll need for his next meeting with Meg and Castiel tomorrow, spreading everything in a semi-circle around him in the living room. Benny will probably complain when he gets home, but at least it will be something to talk about other than how shitty Benny's hours at the restaurant are right now. It bugs Dean just to think about it, and he has to push the thoughts aside, focusing instead on the task at hand. He curses his tendency to procrastinate, shuffling around to find the proper flash drive; after the Novaks, he assures himself, once this wedding is over he will focus on his office. Sure, he's said the same thing countless times, but this time he'll do it for sure. He can practically hear Sam laughing at him from here.

The first thing he needs starting off, is a more defined timeline, so he digs through the piles to unearth his laptop, and plugs in the drive. He opens up the universal timeline and prints a copy, setting that to the side on the only bit of tabletop left that's not covered in stuff. It's just rough, but it'll help them to build a proper timeline when he sees them tomorrow, and it will help to keep them all on the same page while Meg is away. 

When it's done, the basic layout reads like a long-term to-do list which essentially, it is, but when he gets down to the finer details, Dean realizes just what an undertaking this wedding is going to be. He's worked with couples from the beginning to end before, but this time there's going to be very little input from the bride, at least, not that isn't delivered through Castiel. He's used to working with both people and getting their opinions and ideas right there at the meetings, this time he has to hope Castiel is delivering him the correct messages, and try to work around that. Kind of like planning your own wedding, but harder. Essentially, this wedding is going to be a hell of a lot more work than the rest of them. 

The timeline is finished just after one. Dean saves it into the folder newly labelled _NOVAK_ and shuts his laptop. He can't wait for March 18th when his other couple gets married and he can focus solely on this wedding. Already he likes them more than the Jonses - not that he picks favourites - but he's not exactly enjoying his work with Ally. 

Sighing, Dean picks up his papers, sliding the relevant ones into his satchel along with his laptop. Tomorrow he has an appointment with Ally Jones for her dress fitting, and seeing as she's had every alteration in the book, he's praying that it will still look like the dress she fell in love with and they won't have to start all over again. Ally is the most self-centered, attention seeking woman Dean has ever met, and secretly he's betting on their marriage ending before the first anniversary. 

He's still got a few hours before he's supposed to meet Sam, so once he's got everything tidied up, he shoots off a text to his brother to ensure they're still on for tonight. Setting an alarm on his phone, Dean sprawls out on the couch, shutting his eyes as soon as his head hits the cushion.

\- - - - -

Naturally, he sleeps through his alarm, and tumbles off the couch and into the coffee table when he realizes what time it is. There's a fading dream still lingering in his mind; a feeling of bliss and a foggy image of blue eyes and rumpled hair, but he pushes it out of his mind and hurries to get himself together.

Sam's already at the diner when Dean pulls into the lot, so he strolls in casually and slips into the booth seat across from his brother with a grin. 

"You're late," Sam remarks, not looking up from his menu.

Dean shrugs, "I took on a new couple. I was getting some paperwork together and I passed out on the couch."

"Uh," Sam pauses, looking at him skeptically, "last time we talked, you were five seconds from swearing off weddings all together, and now you're taking on a new one?"

"Yeah, well that's part of the reason I decided to. This dude emailed me a couple days ago and he seemed pretty laid back and organized so I figured no harm in meeting with them right? Turns out he's just as laid back in person as he is via email so I figure why not? They won't need me for anything too serious in the next three months, and it's mostly just finishing details with the Joneses now, so..."

Sam's reply is cut off by their server asking if they're ready to order. Sam gets his regular salad and water, and Dean would mock him for it, but they've been doing this for so long that it's not even really fun anymore. Not that that stops Sam from raising an eyebrow at Dean's burger and fries every goddamn time. Their server turns away with a smile, and Sam turns his attention back to his brother.

"Alright, so what are these people like?"

"The groom - Castiel -"

" _Castiel_?" Sam asks, and Dean nods, a knowing grin on his face.

"Right? I don't know. Anyway, he seems pretty cool, and they both seem pretty easy to get along with, so it should be good. Can't be any worse than Ally, anyway."

"Fair. I don't know how you cope some days."

"Whisky. Lots and lots of whisky," Dean laughs. "So what about you? It feels like forever since we've done this, and you just keep cancelling."

"Not much, things just keep coming up, that's all."

"What kind of things?" Dean pushes, raising both eyebrows. 

"Dude, what does it matter?"

"Uh, because you've been super sketchy for like three months now, and no one knows why? Because you keep cancelling plans that you use to keep like clockwork? Because you haven't told me anything about your life in forever?"

"I'm not avoiding you, if that's what you're worried about."

"I just want to know what's going on in your life, man. You're my brother, and we may not see each other as often as we like, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested. And besides," he adds, "Charlie's worried about you."

Sam gives him a look of complete disbelief, "yeah, I'm sure it's Charlie who's worried."

"Whatever," Dean sighs, "you're still coming to movie night though, right?"

"Yeah, as far as I know." And there it is, that stupid _as far as I know_ that more often than not means no. Sam may not want to talk to him about whatever the hell is going on with him, but Dean's worried. His hyper-punctual little brother almost never misses get togethers, and now he can barely be found when someone's looking. 

Dean lets it go for the time being, he doesn't want to start a fight with Sam, and he seems happy. Their conversation drifts back to the Novaks, and Sam's completely baffled when Dean explains their situation. Dean shrugs his concern off for the most part, he's actually kind of excited to work mostly with the groom - it's not something he's ever done before, and it refreshes his process a bit. Plus, hanging out with someone as incredibly hot as Castiel couldn't be a bad thing, right?

They finish their dinner, and Sam heads out early, but Dean's wide awake now and he has two appointments tomorrow, one of which has the potential to go very badly. He drives a couple blocks and parks just outside a soccer field. 

Dialling Charlie's number, he gets out and roams the park, heading to the far end that is more shaded by the trees. Charlie picks up after the second ring, and she sounds thrilled to hear from him. 

"Hey! How's it going?"

"Pretty good, just wanted to make sure we're still on for movies tomorrow?"

"Of course! I'm looking forward to it. Is sam coming?"

"He says he is, but it's Sam so at this point I don't really know. Wait and see, I guess?" 

"I guess that's all we can ask for. Has he said anything to you yet?"

Dean sits on the grass, leaning against the trunk of a tree, "nada. I just spent half an hour at dinner with him, trying to get any information out of him, but nothing."

"Huh," Charlie pauses, "it's not like before is it?"

"I don't think so. He seems really happy, which is why I don't understand why he won't say anything. I'm hoping if he drinks enough tomorrow, he'll give something up." 

Charlie laughs, "we can only hope." 

There's a pause in conversation, an Dean shuts his eyes, listening to the sounds of cars and dogs and people in the distance. It's peaceful out here, and he thinks he should come visit more often, preferrably late at night when no one is around, and maybe in the summer when he won't literally freeze his ass off. He can hear Charlie on the other end, tidying something up or something - things are clattering in the background, and it makes him happy. He and Charlie know each other so well by now, that these phone conversations are nothing unusual. There have been times when Dean's having a bad day that they've sat on the phone for hours without saying anything. 

"I took on new clients today," Dean says, and he can hear the pause on the other end of the line. 

"What about the Joneses? Did you finally drop that terrible bride of yours?"

"Sadly, no."

"I thought you weren't taking on new clients until this wedding was over?"

"I wasn't, but-" Dean shrugs, "I don't know."

"What am I missing here? Last time we talked, you were swearing off weddings and now this?"

"I know, that's what Sam said too, but these two are different. The groom emailed me, and I decided I might as well meet with them."

"And? What are they like?"

"I mean, I only really had the one meeting with them, but they seem pretty cool. The groom is super hot." Dean regrets the words the second they come out of his mouth, and he can practically hear Charlie's reaction before she even speaks. "I mean-"

"Oh really?" 

"I didn't mean it like that-"

"No? Tell me about him. Please tell me this isn't just some ploy to make Benny jealous."

"Ha. Ha. He's apparently rich, and seems intent on giving his fiancee everything she wants."

"Must be nice."

"No kidding, but the best part? They have no budget." Charlie doesn't answer at first, then there's a little noise, and she speaks up again.

"Like, none?"

"Nope. I told you, apparently he's rich."

"Well, fuck."

"Yeah."

"I mean, it'll probably be a pretty easy job then."

"Maybe. Ally could have all the money in the world, and I'd never take her on again."

"Okay, yeah."

"Also, the bride won't be around for a lot of it, apparently. She works in Boston, and the commute is too much."

"That's weird," Charlie deadpans, "like, really weird."

"I dunno, they seem solid enough."

"Dude, your wedding is literally about the two of you coming together as a couple, it was so hard not having Gilda around when we planned our wedding. I would never have chosen to plan without her, under any circumstances. Maybe she's having an affair?" She sounds a little too excited about that last part and Dean just sighs at her. 

"I dunno, I've worked with couples who aren't faithful, and that's not how she seems. They seem genuinely in love."

Charlie makes a small huffing sound, "I guess. You'll have to let me know how this one plays out."

"Of course. What's the point in having a best friend if you can't constantly update them on the relationships of your clients."

"Exactly! However, I should be getting to bed, and so should you if you have a meeting tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah. Alright. Night Charlie."

"Night."

Dean slips his phone into his pocket and resigns himself to the fact that he does, at some point, have to go home and get some sleep. He grudgingly pushes himself up and makes the short trip home.

The house is quiet when Dean gets home, and he silently hopes that it's because Benny's already asleep. He makes his way to his own bedroom, strips down completely, and falls into bed. It's fairly late, and he _does_ have to get up early tomorrow, but it's like the second his head hits the pillow, his mind starts racing. Between Sam, and the Joneses, and now Castiel and his mysterious fiancee, he has enough to think about to keep him up all night.

\- - - - -

Dean wakes up to his phone blaring next to his ear. He fumbles to turn it off and rolls back over in bed, pressing his face into his pillow until he hears it vibrate on the side table and realizes that was not his alarm, it was his ring tone. _Fuck_. He rolls back over with a yawn, and wrinkles his nose at the screen.

 _One missed call_.

Opening his call log, he feels like an idiot, because his missed call is, of course, from Castiel. Luckily for him, Castiel's more organized than he is, and there's a voicemail. Dean struggles to hold his phone to his ear as he pulls on his boxers, sitting on the edge of his bed. 

_I'm sorry to call you so early, Dean. It's Castiel. Meg got called back to work to help with an emergency, so I thought you might want to reschedule. Unless you'd like to meet with me alone._ There's an awkward pause like he realized that's an odd kind of thing to say, then it continues, _if I don't hear from you, I'll meet you at the arranged time. Sorry again for calling so early._

Dean pauses for a second, ready to call him back, but he pauses. If he's going to be working primarily with Castiel anyway, they might as well get a head start. He readjusts his phone to call Cas back, and is surprised when he picks up almost immediately.

"Good morning, Dean."

"Morning," Dean smiles instinctively, grabbing a pair of grey slacks from the end of his bed and stepping into them.

"I suppose this means you want to change our appointment?" Castiel asks, and Dean would swear he sounds disappointed.

"I was actually going to leave that up to you," he sits back on his bed, leaning on his knees, "normally, I would say this early in the process, I'd reschedule for sure, but if Meg's not going to be around a lot anyway, It's up to you. If you're comfortable coming alone, that's perfectly fine with me."

"I'd like to keep our date," Castiel confirms, and Dean can't help but think that there must be a better way to phrase it. Nevertheless, he agrees. 

"Excellent. I'll see you shortly then."

"See you then." Dean drops his hand to the bed, locking his phone, and staring down at his knees.

Nope, he never should have taken this job. This is going to be the worst meeting of his entire career. He's too single for this line of work already, and Castiel's beautiful sex voice is doing exactly nothing to help that. Dean gives himself a few more minutes to doubt his intentions, then pulls himself together, finishes getting dressed, and finds himself something to eat. He's never been so nervous before meeting a client - not since the first, anyway - and he at least needs to have something in his stomach before he tries to face Castiel. 

He reminds himself as he walks down to the cafe, that he is a grown man who can control his feelings. Sure, Castiel is potentially the most gorgeous human being that walks the earth, but he's just a guy. And besides, he's only known him for a day, maybe he's a jerk deep down. 

Dean holds onto that theory as he passes into the samll garden outside the cafe.


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel is sitting just inside the window, when Dean arrives, and he gives a little wave, gesturing to the two mugs of coffee in front of him. Dean smiles, and returns the wave, wishing Castiel was a little less considerate because it might make him like him less, and that is a thought he's _never_ had about a client before. On the bright side, he can't possibly be anything like Ally.

Dean sits down across from him, thanking him for the coffee, and wincing internally as Castiel just waves him off. He was wrong to think that he could do this without Meg; Castiel is like one of those unattainably beautiful people in high school who suddenly makes you acutely aware of every single one of your flaws, and Dean suddenly feels like he's thirteen years old again. He takes a sip of his coffee to postpone the part where he actually has to speak, but it backfires, and he nearly chokes because Castiel remembered his goddamn order.

He tries to say something professional, or at least casual, but what comes out is, "I'm glad to see you again." Which is really dumb, because after their last meeting there is no way they wouldn't be seeing each other again. Dean reminds himself again that is a grown man, but Castiel seems unphased by his stupid remark. 

"You too, Dean. I'm glad we could keep our plan, even though Meg was called away so suddenly."

Dean's mind immediately goes back to what Charlie said last night, and Castiel does seem upset, but it's more disappointment than annoyance. 

"Of course," Dean smiles and pulls out his tablet, pulling up a new word document for the Novaks. "So I guess the first thing we should talk about is how many people you're planning on having, because that will affect pretty much all of the planning from here on in."

"We were thinking somewhere around 300. I come from a large family, and we'd like to try and have everyone." He doesn't sound exactly thrilled about that idea, but it's not Dean's place to question it. 

"Alright, that should be easy, any ideas for a venue?"

"We were originally thinking, or I was thinking I'd like to get married in a church, but Meg is in no way religious, and as she puts it, would probably burst into flames if she walked into a church. So we kind of ended up back at square one."

"That's fine, there are loads of places that can accommodate that many people. We can look at those a little later on, but we shouldn't have any trouble finding you somewhere. Do you guys have your wedding party picked out yet?"

"For the most part," Castiel nods, "but we haven't gotten confirmation on everyone yet. My brother Gabriel is my best man, and my other brother and best friend will be my groomsmen, but we're still waiting on a couple of Meg's friends, though I can't imagine they'll say no."

"Good, so a fairly small party then." There's an odd tension in the air, like Castiel is wanting to say something else, and it does feel kind of like they're reading from a script, but Dean doesn't want to stray too far. God knows he's going to have enough issues without getting to know this guy. 

"Yeah," Castiel chuckles, "we wanted a big wedding, but preferred to have a small party, less crowded for the ceremony."

"Makes sense. Do you have a date yet?"

Castiel looks down at his coffee with a small smile, and Dean feels that little pang of lonliness that has become more and more frequent over the last couple years. He covers it up with a smile, and takes a drink of his own coffee.

"We're getting married December 23rd. It's the day we met, and also our anniversary."

"Sweet," Dean manages, but he kind of wants to puke. If he actually said what he thought half the time, Dean would be the worst wedding planner of all time; the only reason he's kept this job for so long is because he knows when to keep his mouth shut. "Were you thinking about having the wedding here or in Boston, or-"

"Here. It's where I was born, and were Meg spent a lot of her younger life."

"You grew up here?" _Shit. Stop._

"Yeah, pretty much my whole family moved away, but I still have some friends here, and I have a brother in Kansas City. You?"

"Yep. Born and raised." Dean checks his watch as a way to cover his awkward half-frown, and he's pleased to find he actually has to head out soon to meet Ally. Never did he think he would be glad to have an appointment with Ally, but this meeting is so uncomfortable that he wishes he could call Meg back to Kansas himself.

"It looks like I'm gonna have to cut this meeting a bit short," he says, trying not to breathe a sigh of relief, "I have an appointment with my other bride, but I want to meet again soon to discuss venues."

"Definitely. What do you need from me?"

"From you guys," Dean starts, emphasising the plural, "I mostly just need a rough number, which you gave me today, and any specifics that you want from your venue - whether you want catering in-house, or a buffet, anything like that. I'll start looking at some places and I'd encourage you both to do the same."

"I can do that," Castiel smiles.

"Perfect. Well, Castiel, I'm glad we got to do this today, even without Meg able to come. Hopefully she'll be with us next time."

"Cas," Castiel says, and it catches Dean off guard that this is what he focuses on.

"Sorry?"

"Call me Cas. Only my parents call me Castiel anymore."

"Alright, Cas," Dean amends, and it sounds so casual - too casual. "I'll get hold of you soon, and you have my number if you need to call me for anything."

"Okay," Cas smiles, holding out a hand for Dean to shake, "I'll see you soon then. Thank you again Dean, for taking this on, I know it's a big deal."

"It's not a problem," Dean lies, smiling after him.

\- - - - -

Dean barely resists banging his head on the steering wheel as he drives to the bridal boutqiue to meet Ally. He has worked with so many clients over the years and never lost his cool, but this rich fucker with inhumanly blue eyes and an absent fiancee walks in and turns his whole fucking life upside down. He makes a definite point to never drink around Cas, and to try and get Meg on Skype as often as possible.

He pulls into the botique parking lot, and waits for a moment before getting out. He needs to settle his nerves, and the coffee this morning did nothing to help that. He takes a few deep breaths and rolls his shoulders, rabbing his bag from the passenger seat and stepping out into the cool air. 

Marion gets out of her car as soon as she sees Dean, and Ally follows after her. They both seem to be in a good mood, and Dean's so incredibly thankful for that. Even if this goes badly, he resolves to be as happy and cheerful toward Ally as he possibly can, because it's got to be better than the tense, weird air that he gets when he's with Castiel. Cas.

"Good morning, Dean," Marion smiles, and Ally flashes him a grin, although she doesn't say anything.

"Morning ladies. Are you ready to try on your dress?"

"I'm so excited," Ally beams, and Dean holds out his elbow for her.

"Shall we then?" 

Marion gives him a small grin, and Dean winks at her. If there's anything he's good at, it's pretending everything's okay, and being overly cheerful to cover his misery. Lord knows he's been doing it for long enough. 

They're early, so they sit together in the waiting room, and Dean asks Ally about her bachelorette party. She's more than excited to relay every detail to him, especially the strippers that her cousin hired, and she manages to legitimately hold Dean's interest until the seamstress comes out to see them. 

Dean trails behind as Agatha, the crotchety Russian seamstress, leads them back to the fitting area. He lets Marion sit next to her daughter, and he stands to one side, ready to act as a go-between if Ally gets uppity. Agatha brings out the dress, it's enourmous pale pink skirt barely making it through the doorway in front of her, and hangs it on the side of the fitting cubicle. Ally can't take her eyes off it, and Dean is genuinely pleased for her in this moment. He spends a lot of time - especially at moments like these - imagining his own wedding, and how excited he and his fiancee would be picking out dresses and tuxes and- he stops himself mid thought. Ally's enthusiasm is rubbing off on him, and he's clinging to that, he doesn't need to bring himself down again thinking of things that won't happen. 

"Are you ready to try it on?" Agatha asks, and Ally practically bounces over to her and the dress, flipping the toole up and beaming back at Dean and Marion. 

"Yes!" she cheers, and Agatha pulls the curtain closed behind the two of them. Dean turns to Marion once they're alone.

"She's in a good mood today," he mentions.

"She's so excited about her dress," Marion agrees, "I hope it's perfect."

"If it's not, we'll make sure it is," Dean assures her.

"Where have you been all my life?" Marion chuckles. Dean just gives her a grin, and leans back aganinst the wall. 

There's some scuffling and grunting from inside the cubicle, but as far as Dean can judge, it sounds like it's going well in there. Ally comes out a few minutes later, and as much as Dean thinks her dress is absurdly floofy, Ally looks pretty damn good in it. She's frowning at the skirt a little, but for the most part, she seems pleased. Dean counts this as a win. 

"What do you think?" he asks. 

"The embellishment on the skirt is wrong. There's not enough of it," she frowns at her dress, then looks up to Dean, "it doesn't match the top."

"Okay," Dean says, in his most neutral voice, "what do you want changed."

"More bling," she says simply, and Dean inahles through his nose. Of course, everything's not going to go right with Ally. At least this bomb seems diffusable.

"Okay. Agatha, can we add more beading around the skirt?"

"There will be extra charges," is all she says. Dean turns to Marion and she nods.

"That's fine. You only get one wedding dress, so I don't mind going over on this one thing." She makes a pointed look at Ally, but it goes unnoticed. 

Dean leaves Ally and her mother alone with Agatha to discuss adding to the dress, and he returns to the waiting room. He sits down and pulls out his tablet, adding a reminder that they'll need to have another fitting before the wedding to make sure everything is perfect once this is done. He checks his phone at the same time, and there's one missed text. From Castiel, no less. He makes a note to change the man's name in his contacts, and opens up the message.

_> > I'm sorry if today's meeting was uncomfortable._

Dean looks down at the words on his phone and silently curses himself. He needs to be more professional; Cas shouldn't be worried about how their meetings go, he has enough shit to deal with without Dean's problems piled on top. He responds back with 

**_< < Not at all. Sorry if I made it seem that way. Looking forward to out next meeting._ **

At least he's doing well with Ally today, that's all that matters right now. He can make amends with Cas later. 

Ally and Marion come out a few minutes later, while Dean is steadfastly ignoring what he assumes is another text from Cas. Ally looks pleased as can be, and Marion is grinning at Dean from behind her. 

"Everything okay?" Dean asks, clapping his hands on his thighs as he stands up. 

"Perfect," Ally smiles.

"Excellent. So, we're going to need to make another appointment to fit the dress before your wedding, just to make sure the adjustments are correct."

"When?"

"I'll have to talk to Agatha about it, and I'll let you both know as soon as we can arrange a date. Are you two good to go then?"

"I think so," Marion smiles, "I suppose we'll hear from you soon?"

"Very soon," Dean promises. He says goodbye to them at the door of the shop, and heads back in to talk to Agatha. 

It doesn't take long, but Dean has to laugh at how much more work Ally wants done on the dress. He thanks Agatha for everything, and books in an appointment for Ally. Dean's tired by the time he's done, and he can't stop thinking he's fucking things up with Cas already, and he needs a fucking drink.

He heads to Benny's restauraunt and sits down at the bar, waiting for Benny to show his face. He doesn't for a long time, and when he does, Dean's already half cut. Benny plops down on the stool next to him, leaning on the bar and smirking at him.

"Bad day?"

"Half of it," Dean groans, tipping his glass back.

"That Allison girl got you stressed again?"

"No, actually. That went well. It was the new couple - groom - I'm working with. I feel like I'm fucking it up, and I've only seen him twice."

"I didn't know you even had a new couple," Benny frowns.

"Shouldn't work so much," Dean quips, reflexively. He winces, expecting Benny to shoot back at him, but he doesn't. He ignores it, thankfully. 

"Maybe not," is all he says. Dean nods, and the urge to lean into Benny is so strong, that he's halfway there before Benny notices. Luckily, Benny seems to think it's because he's drunk, and he helps Dean off his stool and takes him over to a booth seat, before disappearing into the kitchen again. 

He reappears a few minutes later with a bowl of french fries and a jug of ice water, "eat. Drink."

"Thanks," Dean mumbles.

"Look, I can't stay now, but are you gonna be home tonight?"

"Yeah. Charlie and them are coming over for movie night, but after that. Why?"

"Catch up? I've never seen you this stressed out about a wedding, and we don't see much of each other anymore."

"Yeah, sure." 

Benny claps him on the shoulder, "good. See you at home." He heads back to the kitchen, and Dean hates himself a little because everyone seems to have to take care of him, and it kills him. 

He hangs out at the restauraunt for another hour or so, eating his french fries and sobering himself up before he has to drive home. He also has to start a folder for the Novaks before he meets Cas again. And he promised Cas that he'd look at venues.

\- - - - -

Dean thinks about Cas as he drives home, and he thinks about Benny, and by the time he gets home and into comfortable clothes, he's so thankful that Charlie will be coming over tonight, that he considers asking her to come over early. As it is, he decides to work on the Novaks folder tomorrow - he has no other plans, and he's overthinking everything at this point, so sleep before working more would be a good thing.

He pulls out his phone, and finds that the text he thought was from Cas is actually from Sam, and it's actually a little disappointing. When he opens it, it's even more disappointing; apparently something came up and Sam can't make it. Surprise, surprise. Looks like his and Charlie's interrogation will have to wait for another day. He shoots off a quick text to let Charlie know it's just them for the night, and she responds simply with _ugh, SAM_ , and Dean can't help but agree.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus Saturday chapter bc this thing is a beast and is going to take roughly 1 million years to post in its entirety. 
> 
> Brief Dean/Benny in this chapter

Charlie shows up early - much to Dean's appreciation - and plops herself down on the couch beside him. She's already in her pyjamas and Dean would join her, but that's too much effort right now. He flops over onto her shoulder and groans, burying his face in the fleece of her shirtsleeve.

"Ally giving you trouble again?" she asks, running a hand through his hair. Normally he enjoys it, not that he'd admit that to anyone, but tonight he can't even focus.

"I fucked up."

"What's wrong?"

"I can't do it, I just can't. I'm too single, and Cas is too beautiful, and whatever the fuck is up with Sam - and now Benny's worried because I went and got drunk this afternoon and he wants to ' _talk_ '."

"How about," Charlie starts, "I grab us a couple bottles of wine, and you start from the beginning. Wanna get a movie started?"

"Yeah," Dean mumbles, pushing himself up. 

He puts on Labyrinth because he wants something to focus on that's not his stupid life right now, and David Bowie's always a winner. Charlie comes back with the three bottles of wine that she left in his fridge last time, and she twists the cap off one and passes it to Dean. He takes a swig and nearly spits it back out again.

"This is terrible."

"It was five bucks, what do you expect?" Charlie shrugs, taking a drink from her own bottle. Dean stares at her questioningly, but she seems unfazed so he gives up, leans back against her arm and tucks his bottle into the crook of his arm. 

They sit in silence for a while, and Dean's halfway through his wine when Charlie pipes up again, "so start from the start, what's been going on with you?"

"I dunno- I've been doing this for so long now, you'd think I've got the hang of it by now, but I don't. Castiel - Cas, is totally throwing me off. I feel like a dumb, anxiety-ridden teenager every time I see him, and I tell myself he's just a guy, but I mean, he's not?" his voice lifts like a question, and Charlie turns her head to look at him. 

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

Dean groans, "I don't even know. He's just- I dunno."

Charlie tilts his bottle toward him, "you're attracted to him - drink more - you always get awkward around guys you're attracted to."

"No I don't-"

"Dean, there's a difference between knowing someone is attractive and being attracted to them. I'm pretty much 100% certain that your only problem is that you're attracted to him, and you've reverted back to your awkward 13-year-old self because you don't know how to act around someone you can't just flirt with. If you met him at a bar, and you were both single, would you sleep with him?"

Dean pauses with an unspoken _no_ retreating back into his mouth, because as much as he wants to deny it, Charlie's probably right. Normally, he would just charm the hell out of Cas because he'd be damn stupid to turn him down, so yeah, he would definitely sleep with him. He might even call him the next day. He probably would. 

And that's the thought that catches him off guard. Dean's one night stands are just that, one night. He never makes a point of calling anyone ever, and they usually go on the same way. The fact that even hypothetically, he would call Cas after a one night stand worries him, and he tucks that little bit of information away where no one will ever find it out, least of all Charlie.

"Uh, Dean?"

He snaps back to reality, to find Charlie frowning at him, concerned.

"Sorry, I- I just want to make a good impression."

"You will. Just start over tomorrow. Ask him about him, try to connect with him as a person before you connect with him as a client. Your next meeting will be better, I promise."

"Are you sure?"

"I guarentee it."

"And my late-night 'talk' with Benny tonight?" he grumbles.

"Your what?"

"I told Benny we'd talk tonight, I don't want to, but I never see him, and I can't exactlyt back out of it now," Dean drops his head back dramatically, "I hate talking to people."

"Just pretend it's me. You're good at talking to me."

"Yeah but that's because of," Dean gestures vaguely with his hand, "everything."

"Dean, just because we've been through a lot of shit together doesn't mean I'm the only person you can talk to." 

Dean frowns, because really, there's no one else he actually plans on talking to about any of this, least of all Benny. 

"Yeah, but it's _you_. And _Benny_. I'm not gonna talk to the dude I'm sleeping with about a different guy who apparently has some sort of Godly power over me."

Charlie sighs, "he doesn't have any power over you hun, not unless you let him. He's David Bowie and you're Jennifer Connelly; you just have to remember that you are fucking gorgeous yourself, and he is no better than you. He's your client and that's all, and you're not 13 anymore."

"That's all well and good, but you _know_ if I was Jennifer Connelly I would let Bowie keep my brother and I'd live with him in his castle."

Charlie just chuckles and shakes her head, "You can do this, I believe in you."

Dean just groans, and they go back to the movie, though he's not paying much attention. His mind goes over and over what he's going to say to Benny, because he doesn't want to talk, but he doesn't want to lie to one of his best friends either. Dean's barely even paying attention to the movie, but apparently neither is Charlie, because about half an hour later, she pauses it and turns to Dean abruptly, jolting him.

"Can I tell you something?" she asks.

"Dude, I just told you my client makes me feel like a 13 year old virgin, you can tell me anything you want."

Charlie takes a deep breath and bites her lip, "Gilda and I are gonna try and have a baby."

Dean's mind shuts down at that point, and he can feel his bottom jaw drop. Charlie just looks at him expectantly, "so?"

"That's amazing, Charlie, I'm so happy for you."

"Yeah? I haven't told anyone, because we haven't even started, we were thinking about adoption, but I'm just so afraid I wouldn't connect... we just decided last week that we're gonna try."

Charlie's news manages to distract them both for a while, and by the time Benny gets home, Dean's not dreading their conversation quite so much. Charlie takes off shortly after and Dean sits in his room alone for a bit, lying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. He doesn't know what he's gonna say to Benny, and since Charlie left, he's had a while to think about things. Charlie and Gilda are married, and now they're gonna have a baby, Benny's job is shitty right now, but he's got the skills to start up his own goddamn business if he wanted to, and he and Cas can't be more than a year or two apart in age, and Cas is getting married. What's Dean got? A roommate that he occasionally fucks; a job that is, granted, a good one, but is currently causing him an overabundance of stress, and not much fucking more. 

Oh, God, he's so fucking useless. Everyone he knows is getting on with their lives, doing big things, and the most Dean has to offer is that he's self-employed, but even then, he hasn't even gotten his fucking office set up. He just feels like he's falling behind in life, and not matter how hard he tries, he can't catch up. He's about to ask Benny if they can switch their chat to tomorrow, but then the man appears in his doorway, and Dean figures _fuck it_. Benny's already here.

"How ya doin' Dean?"

"Been better," he admits. Benny shoves his legs out the way and sits down at the end of the bed.

"You wanna tell me about it?"

"Not really."

" _Dean_."

"It's nothin' just my new clients, that's all."

"The uh- Novaks, was it?"

"Yeah, them. Him in particular." _Fuck, fuck, fuck_ , this is not where this conversation was supposed to go. "I mean, it's just y'know, getting to meet new people and all that." He knows Benny doesn't believe him, but at least he pretends to, and for that, Dean is thankful, "I just don't want to be alone."

He rolls over onto his side, facing the wall, but Benny follows him, leaning down and pulling him over. Dean turns to find Benny leaning over him, and somewhere in his wine-addled mind, he thinks it's a good idea to kiss him. So he does.

He half expects Benny to push him away, because he knows he's drunk, and he's sure Benny does too, but he doesn't; Benny doesn't pull away or lean closer, he just stays where he is and lets Dean lean up to him. He doesn't rush things, despite Dean's eagerness to avoid all possibility of talking - plus, he seems to like where this is heading. 

Dean curls his fingers around the back of Benny's neck and rolls onto his back, pulling him down after him. Benny submits, shifting so he's got one knee between Dean's legs, and he dips down to nuzzle Dean's neck. Dean hums, tilting his head away, and squirming on the bed. It's been so long since he's been with anyone, since he's been close to anyone - the only person he's freakin' hugged in the last four months is Charlie.

Dean groans, "why am I so useless."

"You are _not_ usless, Dean," Benny breaths against him. He runs a hand down Dean's stomach, slipping his fingers beneath his waistband and slowly pushing his sweatpants down, and out of the way. Dean leans up, kissing him urgently, and lifting his hips to ease the removal of his pants. He's so focused on Benny's mouth against his own, that he's caught completely off guard when Benny's hand curls around the length of his cock. 

He jerks up into the touch, and Benny chuckles, pressing him back into the mattress, and climbing over him, "you are impatient."

"I want you," Dean breathes, and Benny sits up, pulling his own shirt over his head, before turning to Dean's and tossing them both away. 

It's hard, it's fast, and right now, it's everything Dean needs, and by the time they're done, Dean's bonesles and exhausted, and he passes out pretty much instantly.

\- - - - -

The next couple days, he's either with Ally and her mother, finalizing anything that Ally's decided on, or he's in Benny's bed. For so long, they haven't had the time to so much as speak to each other, other than a passing hello or goodbye, and this is good. It's better than it has been in _months_ , and for the first time since he met him, Dean is feeling really good about his meeting with Castiel on Tuesday.

The night before, he goes to bed early, determined to make this meeting better than the last. Charlie's right, he just has to start over with Cas, and not act like a total moron this time. He can do that. He lays out his clothes for the next day, trying really hard not to feel like a kid before the first day back at school, and slips into bed. By some miracle, he falls asleep quickly, and wakes up before his alarm goes off. 

He's supposed to meet Cas for lunch, so he has a bit of time. It's too late for a proper breakfast, so Dean pours himself a bowl of cereal before jumping into the shower. He's glad, for once, that Benny picked up an extra shift, because that means he won't have to explain his beaviour, and he can just slip out quietly with time to spare. 

Cas is already at the restaurant when Dean pulls in, because of course he is. Dean smiles to himself as he walks toward the door, resisting the urge to go and inspect Cas' car, but still walking closer than necessary to it. Cas is waiting just inside, chatting amicably with the host, until he hears Dean come in. He turns around with a huge smile, and Dean can already feel his resolve falter. He pulls himself together and returns Cas' smile.

"This is my friend," Cas says to the host, and the woman smiles at Dean.

"Perfect, come right with me." She leads them to a booth near the side of the restaurant, just under a large window. Dean slides in across from Cas, and pointedly avoids looking at his face until they're alone. "Nathalie will be your server today," the host smiles, "she'll be right with you."

"Thank you so much," Cas grins back. 

Dean waits until the woman is gone, and turns to face Cas fully, "so I'm sorry if we got off to a bad start last time, I've been in a weird place lately, and I let it bleed into my work. It was unprofessional, and I apologize."

"There's no need to apologize Dean, we're all human."

"Thank you. Anyway, I was thinking-" Dean looks up as a tall red-haired woman steps up to their table.

"Sorry to interrupt, I'm Nathalie, and I'll be your server today. Can I start you off with drinks?" Dean orders a coke and water, and Cas gets iced tea, and they're left alone again.

"Why don't we start off a little differently today, I'd like to get to know a bit more about you and Meg before we get into everything else."

Cas chuckles, "there's not all that much to tell. Meg was born in Andover, but moved to Boston when she was eleven. I met her at that point, having moved there myself only a few years earlier. I instantly had the hugest crush on her, but her friends didn't like the little Catholic boy, so for the first year or so, she completely ignored me."

Nathalie comes back with their drinks, and quickly takes their food order before spinning back away again, and Dean turns back to face Cas.

"You're Catholic?" he asks, honestly a little surprised.

"No, my family is, but the younger generation sort of... disassociated, I guess. Are you religious at all?"

"Oh no, not at all. My mom is, to some extent, but it never stuck with me. Anyway, you and Meg?"

"Right. Eventually, we started talking - we had a math class together, and she was terrible at it - and started spending more and more time together. Eventually, even her friends got to like me," Cas smiles fondly, "and then one day - with a lot of help from my brother - I asked her to this Christmas dance at the local community center, and she said yes. I was so surprised I actually misheard her at first, but we went to that dance together, and we've been together ever since."

"That's impressive," Dean smiles, but honestly he can't imagine that. His longest relationship lasted two years, and although they're still on friendly terms, he can't imagine Lisa ever wanting to start things up again. Not after how that ended.

"It's been a long time, but I've wanted to marry her since that first night, and I just can't believe we've made it to this point."

Dean has no idea what to say to that, it's one of those things that makes him want to drop this and go work in a bar or something, where at least all the people who come and talk to him are as miserable as he is. He nods and smiles, and luckily Cas goes on without expecting a reply.

"Sometimes I think I'm in a movie, and I'm just waiting for that scene where everything falls to shit."

"No," Dean says, "some people just have that, they just get that perfect life." 

"I hope so," Cas pauses, "what about you?"

"Me?"

"This is a partnership, right? You want to know about me, tell me about you."

"Uh-" Dean falters, "there's not much to tell, really."

"You said you have a brother?" Cas offers.

"I do, yeah. Sammy. He's four years younger than me, but he's the smartest damn kid I ever met. And he's a giant dork." 

Cas laughs at that, and Dean crumbles a little inside. His defenses are down, and how the _fuck_ did Cas manage to do that in fifteen minutes? He should quit while he's ahead, tell Cas something came up with the other wedding - an emergency - and he won't be available to work with him and Meg. He wants to; every preservation instict he has is begging him to do it, but when he looks across at those blue eyes and rumpled dark hair, he's lost. He can't do it, because deep down he doesn't want to; he wants to work with Cas, to spend as much time as he can with him before it's all over and they're out of each other's lives forever, because he's a Winchester, and Winchesters, apparently, crave suffering.

Apparently, Winchesters are also extremely awkward in social situations, because when Dean's mind comes back to the present, Cas is giving him an oddly concerned look.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking." Cas smiles, and Dean's finding he does a lot of that, and wishing he would do less of it, because it would make Dean's job a billion times easier. "What about your family?" he asks, quickly turning the conversation away from himself. "You mentioned having your brothers in your wedding party?"

"Yes, Gabriel and Luke. There's only four of us, and looking back I have no idea how my poor parents coped. It's a miracle that any of us made it to adulthood." Dean nods, because he can distinctly recall close to twenty situations in which the words _Mom's gonna kill us_ were uttered.

"Yeah, us too."

"Do you see your brother often?"

"I try to. We have a standing dinner date a couple times a month, but lately he's been busy more often, so I don't see him as much as I'd like."

"I know the feeling, my brothers are both out in LA so I rarely see them, other than holidays." Cas sounds like he's about to say something else, but Nathalie arrives with their food, and he doesn't continue. 

They're quiet for a while while the eat, and Dean asks him a few questions about the wedding, because he has to get this meeting on track at some point, despite just wanting to sit and talk to Cas about whatever for hours. 

They barely touch on venues - Cas wants to hire caterers separate from the venue, Meg is ambivalent - before they get sidetracked again. Turns out Cas is a giant fucking nerd, and that's all Dean needs. 

"You do _what_?" Dean splutters, trying not to choke on his chicken.

"Lord of the Ring reenactments. Like Civil War reenactments, but the Battle of Pelannor Fields or Helm's Deep." He sounds confident enough when he says it, but he avoids Dean's gaze.

" _Dude_ ," Dean starts, "that's the coolest fucking thing ever." And there he goes again. He swearing, he's gapping out, he's being a total fucking idiot. This is the last wedding he will ever do, because his rputation will be shot to hell afterwards, but for some reason he can't just focus and be a professional around this guy. 

"Really?" Cas asks.

"Yeah, my friend Charlie would absolutley love that." 

Cas brightens at that, "yeah?"

"Charlie's a LARPer and I mean, she drags me along with her all the time, but I always feel kind of out of place. I prefer my medieval fantasies from the sidelines." He gets a raised eyebrow, at that, and tries to correct himself, but it's over, he's done for.

"Fantasies?" Cas teases, and shit, Dean can feel his face burning, and he's probably bright fucking red.

"I just mean- I'm more into reading and watching than actually paerticipating- _shit_ , not what I meant."

Cas is practically hsterical at this point, and Dean knows he's made an idiot of himself and there's no saving it now. He gives up and surrenders to it, closing his eyes and nodding in defeat.

"I'm sorry," Cas grins, and Dean can't even fault him for it. If it was Charlie or Sam that had said it, he would never drop it, not as long as he could get a reaction out of them. 

"It's all good," Dean grins, glancing down at his watch. _Shit_ , it's been almost two hours, and they've only barely touched on venues. So much for Charlie's brilliant idea. "Do you have any other plans tonight?"

Dean wants to say the look on Cas' face is hopeful, but that's just his wishful thinking, and he stomps it down before he can do or say something even stupider than before.

"No, when Meg is away, I'm basically just looking at real estate online. Why?"

"I'm just thinking, we haven't gotten any work done-"

"I told you we want a sit-down meal and I want to hire a separate caterer," Cas corrects with a smug grin. 

"You did, sorry," Dean amends, "however, if I email Meg, or if she emails me to ask how things are going, and all I have to tell her is that I put my foot in my mouth, and I know your brother's names, I don't think it's going to go over well." 

Cas shrugs, "we could talk about it over drinks?"

"That's what I was thinking."

"Perfect."

They gather the few things they have and go up to pay for their meals, before heading out into the parking lot, at which point Dean pauses. 

"Do you want to meet there, or-" he eyeing Cas' car and apparently being fairly obvious about it, because Cas walks around to the driver's side, and unlocks the door.

"How about I drive?"

\- - - - -

The bar they decide on is on the other side of town. It's a small hole-in-the-wall place, but used to be one of Dean's favourites when he was living at home. It turns out to be a good choice, because it's quiet, and they can find a small table off to one side where the only possible distraction - other than Dean being a terrible wedding planner - is the music.

Unfortunately, that turns out to be their downfall, because when Dean returns from getting them drinks, Cas is humming along to Zeppelin's _Tangerine_ , and Dean can't pass up an opportunity like that. That leads them into a half hour conversation about music, and although Cas does briefly touch on what he and Meg talked about for the wedding - _Crazy Love_ by Van Morrison, which makes Dean's heart hurt because it's a great song - it's the exact opposite of what they're supposed to be doing. 

"But anyway," Dean says, as a last hope of getting this meeting back on track, "we do need to talk about venues. I'm going to do some research into them before our next meeting, and I need to know what you're looking for."

Cas looks like he's just been told he has to turn the tv off and do his chores, and Dean has never been more confused with a client.

"You're right," Cas agrees, and he sounds much more sure of it than he looks, "I know Meg wants a big dance floor. We want to have an open bar, so we'll need bartenders."

Dean breathes a sigh of relief, because maybe he's finally gotten this back on track, "okay, good. How close do you want to stay?"

"As close as possible, but if we have to travel a little, we'll just need to book extra hotel rooms. Not outside Kansas."

"Makes sense."

Dean manages to drag the rest of the information out of Cas, and it does feel like dragging. Somehow, Dean feels like he's failing even worse now than he did when they were sidetracked, but Cas brightens up when he drives Dean back to his car, and Dean asks where he got his.

They wind up sitting in Cas' car for another fifteen minutes while Dean blathers on about the Impala, and he doesn't end up getting home until almost six. 

The kitchen smells amazing when he walks in, and he realizes that it's been almost five hours since he's eaten anything and he's _starving_. Unfortunately, Benny is standing in the way of him and his food, and he doesn't look pleased.

"Where've you been?" he asks, raising an eyebrow at Dean, and making him feel like a teenager who's broken curfew.

"I was with Cas, I thought I told you we had a meeting today?"

"You said you were meeting him over lunch," Benny clarifies, "it's past dinner time."

"Benny, relax, it's fine. We just got carried away talking about things."

"Dean," Benny says, and his voice softens slightly as he continues, "what are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Two nights ago, you were losing your mind over this wedding, specifically _him_ , if I remember correctly, and now you're just letting yourself get carried away?"

That irks him. Dean's a grown up, and Benny has no say in what he does when they're outside of the bedroom. Plus, he's already having a hard enough time with this Cas shit on his own, without Benny shoving it down his throat too.

"He's just a client, Benny. That's all. We have some of the same interests, and we ended up talking longer than we should have."

"I don't want you to get hurt-"

"How? By talking? Dude, I know what I'm doing, just drop it."

"You're getting emotionally involved," Benny says firmly, turning back to whatever he's cooking. It sounds almost like an aftethought, like he's done with this conversation but he needs to have the last word, and is pisses Dean off. He doesn't need Benny being protective of him or whatever the fuck this is. Benny's the one who didn't want a relationship, so why does he give a fuck what Dean's doing with his time, or who he talks to for how long.

"Maybe I'm just relieved to have a normal fucking client for once," he shoots back.

"No, that's not it and you know it. You've been different since you came home after that first meeting, I've never seen you like this with anyone."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Dean scowls.

"I dunno, what do _you_ think it means?"

Dean's done. He's had a good day, more or less, and he doesn't need this shit now. He kicks off his shoes and heads for his bedroom, slamming the door behind him because he is, apparently, the teenager he keeps feeling like.


	6. Chapter 6

It's only after he's locked himself in his bedroom, that Dean realizes he's still hungry and thirsty. He scrounges through his bedroom and comes up with a half eaten bag of Doritos and a glass of water that he didn't drink the night before; a dinner fit for a king. He groans internally, but resigns himself to his fate because he's not going back out into the kitchen while Benny's awake. He reliazes it's spiteful, and Sam and Charlie would both tell him he's being a child, but at this point, he's okay with that. 

He clears off his desk and pulls out his notes on the Novaks, before getting distracted and calling Charlie. She picks up quickly, and Dean is thankful because he wants to vent, and wants someone else's insight on Cas.

"What's up, Dean?"

"Benny's being an ass, I don't understand my client, and I just locked myself in my bedroom with nothing to eat but stale corn chips." Charlie stifles a laugh at the other end of the line, and Dean frowns into his phone, leaning back in his chair.

"I take it your meeting didn't go exactly the way we wanted it to?"

"No, well, yes? I dunno it was fine, but Benny's the problem right now."

"Okay, what's up with Benny?"

"He's mad or something because I was out with Cas all day."

"Clarify all day," Charlie says slowly. 

"We had a lunch meeting and I just got home fifteen minutes ago?" Dean says timidly, afraid Charlie's going to have the same reaction as Benny.

"Oh, so you were on a date," she jokes, "and apparently it went well."

"If it was, it would have been the best date I've been on in years," Dean groans. He picks himself up off his chair, and pulls his belt off before flopping down onto the bed. Charlie's tone changes, and Dean knows he's in for another conversation he really doesn't want to have. At least this time it's over the phone, so if he needs an out he can hang up and claim his phone died. 

"Dean, don't do this to yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't get attatched to him. He's getting married. You're planning his wedding. This isn't some guy off the street that you can just hope for the best with. Castiel has found what he's looking for, and it's not you."

Dean's initial reaction is _but what if it was_ , and it's that right there that makes him realize he's well and truly fucked. He's been trying to force any sort of feeling back since the first time he met Cas, but if he's honest, there's just something about him that Dean can't shake. Something he's not quite ready to admit that out loud just yet, even if it is just to Charlie.

"It's not like I'm trying to do anything, we just got caught up in talking."

"I know, but how do you think any relationship starts? Talking, Dean. You need to distance yourself more, I've seen you do it. Normally you're great at keeping yourself professional, that why I feel like you're not trying."

"That's the thing, though," he argues, "whenever I tried to bring it back to the wedding, Cas is the one who would change the subject."

"Oh," Charlie pauses, "that's weird."

"Right? That's what I've been saying. It's weird."

"Sorry. It's just after everything you said the other night, I assumed-"

"Don't worry about it."

"Well, maybe he's just lonely. His fiancee is away a lot, and you said they just moved back, right?"

"Yeah, he did say his brothers live out of state, too. At least one of them." He says it, but he doesn't believe it. Charlie isn't there, she hasn't felt the... whatever that he feels whenever he and Cas are alone together - even when they're not. It doesn't feel like Cas is just lonely and wants someone to talk to, it feels like he wants to talk to _Dean_.

"That's probably all it is. Cas is lonely, and wants someone to talk to. You just have to make sure you don't get too involved."

"Thanks, Benny," Dean deadpans.

"Hey, you called me, remember?"

"Yeah, you're right. I just don't get this guy."

"And maybe you never will. You have to understand him, Dean. Just do your job - you're good at it, I know you can do it - and then let him and his wife go on their merry way."

"Yeah," Dean sighs, but he doesn't like the idea of that at all. Okay, so maybe Cas isn't the only problem here, but Dean's at least been the one trying to reign it. "Thanks Charlie."

"Any time."

\- - - - -

Benny goes to bed some time around ten, and Dean sneaks out to find something to eat. Benny made burgers so he heats up a couplpe of those, and grabs a beer from the fridge before retreating back to his room. Once he's eaten, he feels a whole lot better, and wipes his mind of the rest of his day. Charlie's right, he knows she is because she always is. He just needs to get on with it and do his job and avoid all the weirdness, so he pulls out his laptop and starts searching for venues near Lawrence with a capacity of 300.

He spends hours searching through various wedding sites to try and narrow down the results, and ends up having to make a page in his notebook for each venue just to try and keep them straight. He has a list of pros and cons on each page, with what fits with what the Novaks want, and what doesn't. On the side of his laptop he has a sticky note with a reminder of the most important features: 300 people, allows outdoor catering, dancefloor. It helps, because after searching through so many, it's hard to remember whether the number in his head is the capacityof the venue, or the number of people attending the wedding. 

Once he narrows the number down to less than _all of them_ , he starts taking virtual tours, and printing out photos of the top choices, and sticking them between the pages of his notebook to keep them organized. By midnight, he's narrowed down the choices to ten. It's a good number, and they're all fairly different, so it'll give them some choice in what they want. And if they don't like any of them, at least Dean knows what not to look for next time. 

He assembles a list of all the venues, complete with his pros and cons list from his notebook, and details about pricing and the venues themselves into a document for Meg. He's planning on calling Cas in the morning to talk about it some more, and he wants to keep Meg updated, so he sends her off her own version of his notebook. 

When he's finished, he sends off a couple emails to his other couple and to Marion, to confirm bookings, and set a date for their next meeting. It's not as fun as venue hunting, but it's important, and he hopes that they won't have to change anything after this. 

He's actually feeling pretty good about everything as he climbs into bed. He has a good structure for his next meeting with Cas, and this time he will keep them on track. He will. Benny's voice is still in the back of his head as he drifts off, but Dean knows what he's doing, and he can remain friendly toward Cas while still planning his wedding. 

He falls asleep to the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack still playing out of his laptop because he forgot to close it, and now it's just too much effort.

\- - - - -

The best thing about Dean's job, is that when he's not working, he can sleep however long he wants, and today it's almost ten am by the time he rolls out of bed. He allows himself an hour to laze around and eat breakfast before he decides to call Cas and talk to him about the venues. He already got an email from Meg first thing, thanking him for all the info, and he figures he should bring Cas up to speed on what he's found.

Dean's alone in the house, so he sits on the couch with his phone on speaker and waits for Cas to pick up. He doesn't wait long. 

"Hello, Dean."

"Morning, Cas. Has Meg spoken to you at all this morning?"

"Yes, she told me about the venues you found, I take it that's why you're calling?"

"Yeah, I just emailed you a couple links to the places I found, it's not all of them, but there are a few virtual tours you can take, just to get a better idea of the place." 

"Thank you."

"I can send you the same document I sent to Meg if you like, or if it's easier if we meet to discuss it, we can figure that out too."

"I think I'd prefer to meet," Cas says simply, and of course, why wouldn't he? 

"I don't have anything today, if you're free? If not, no rush."

"No, today would be fine."

They decide to meet at the library, because it's big and open and very, very public. Dean finds a table somewhere right in the middle, and pulls out his notebook to go through with Cas. They start by narrowing down the venues further, based on Meg's initial response, and how Cas feels about them going through the virtual tours. It nearly halves their list, which gives them a much better place to work from. 

"This one here," Dean points out, "the maximum capacity is only 220, but otherwise it fits your criteria, and I remember you saying that the guest list wasn't set it stone yet, so I left it in just as an idea."

"I do like this one, but I'll have to talk to Meg about the guest list. She usually takes her lunch around this time so we may be able to get her on Skype."

"That would be great." Dean agrees. Cas signs onto his own computer, opening up Skype, and before long, the familiar bleeping sound fills the air. Meg's face comes into view, although pixelated, and Cas beams at her.

"Hey, babe," she smiles, "hi Dean."

"Hi Meg, good to hear from you again. Cas and I are just going over venues, and we have one that he likes, and it was one of your choices too, but the maximum sitting capacity is only 220 people."

Meg makes a face, like she was afraid this would come up, "yeah, I was hoping you wouldn't like that one," she says to Cas.

"Sorry. What do you think though, could we do it?"

"We can do a walk throuh, right?" Meg asks, and Dean nods.

"Yeah, definitely, anything you guys like. I can book us in to do a tour any time. There's no rush to make any decisions right now."

"Then yeah, I'd say let's keep that one on the table, and we'll see how we feel when we actually get to see it. If we like it, babe, we can always go through the guest list and figure something out. I mean, half of them probably won't want to make the trip anyway."

"That's a good idea," Cas smiles, then turns to Dean, "can we plan for the tours when Meg's home?"

"Definitely. Just send me your schedule and I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you so much, Dean. You're a live saver," Meg smiles.

"I do what I can."

"Okay, babe, I've got to go grab something to eat before I go back to work, sorry I can't talk longer. I love you."

"I love you, call me when you get home tonight?" Cas asks.

"I will. Bye Dean!"

"Talk to you soon."

There's another bloop, and the call ends. There's a sort of awkward silence like neither of them knows how to start up the conversation again, and then Dean remembers the promise he made to himself. He jumps back in before they have the chance to get distracted. 

"Okay, so that leaves us with six, including the church. I know you said there was a bit of disagreement there, so do we want to consider that one?"

"No," Cas shakes his head, "don't worry about the church. We have lots of options as it is, and they're all good. I'm more concerned about what Meg wants than honoring my family's faith - one that I'm not even a part of. They'll forgive me for it."

Perfect, Dean thinks, they've got their five venues, and he can set up tours for whenever Meg is here. He goes over the pricing and the finer details of each venue with Cas, and then Cas brings up something he failed to mention before.

"I've also been thinking of having a priest marry us, especially if we're not getting married in a church. Or maybe my uncle."

"Yeah, for sure we can look into that." 

Dean edits his list down to the final choices, and they head out shortly after. Cas goes his own way, and Dean heads home, thankful that he managed to pull this one off. Maybe he should get Meg involved more often.

\- - - - -

That evening, Dean calls to make arrangements with the venues. Meg's next extended visit isn't until next month, but that won't leave them behind, so he goes ahead and books tours with them. The last place - Capitol Plaza in Topeka - isn't answering their phone, so Dean assumes he's reached the end of their business hours and leaves a message.

When his phone rings half an hour later, he's half expecting it to be the venue calling back, but instead he ends up with a frantic Cas on the other end of his line, babbling about something that Dean can't quite make out.

"Cas. Cas, calm down, what's going on?"

"A friend of ours was supposed to come over and help me plan this engagement party for Meg on the 20th, but now she can't, and I can't do it alone, and I don't have anyone else to ask, but I can pay you extra-"

"Cas, calm down. If you need me to help, I can. It's fine. That's kind of what I'm here for." Benny frowns at him from the couch, but Dean ignores it, "what do you need?" As Cas rambles on the other end, Dean grabs a bit of scrap paper and starts making notes. 

"Okay. If you want to pick up the decorations, I'll worry about finding you entertainment and arranging catering-" he shoots a pleading look to Benny and gets a deep scowl in return. It's fine, he can deal with that later. "I'll make a list of everything I need you to get and I'll email it to you later." 

"Thank you, Dean. I don't know what I would do otherwise."

"It's fine, it's my job Cas." Cas thanks him again before hanging up, and Dean turns to face his roommate, who looks less than pleased with him.

"It't not your job," Benny mumbles.

"I need a caterer, you're the best. I know you don't like any of this, but I'm asking you as a potential client, and I need this Benny."

"When," he grunts.

"The 20th?"

"I'll talk to Lizzy and get back to you."

"I'll owe you forever."

"That you will, brother."

Benny comes to him a few hours later to say that they'll do it, and he even has a few friends who can help, and Dean is so relieved. He sends the list of things to pick up, and messages an old contact about hiring her as a DJ for the day. He barely hits the pillow before he passes out.

\- - - - -

They meet at the hall the next morning, just him and Cas and a whole lot of stuff. Dean sets up a table with a boombox at one side of the hall, and Cas promptly plops a cooler down beside it. Dean turns up the tunes, cracks a beer open, and gets to work.

There are streamer and balloons and various tables and chairs that all need to be set up, and he doesn't even know where to begin. They draw out four or five different set ups before they're both happy with one, and then they stick it to the table next to the cooler and start moving things around. They have two tables at one end of the room for the food, and a makeshift bar set up in the corner. The rest of the tables are set up in the same half of the hall, with chairs for the guests, and with a pile of balloons in the center that someone - probably Dean - will have to come in early to blow up before the party. 

Once the tables are in place, the start with the streamers. They're a few drinks in each, and a mistimed throw ends with a roll of streamers hitting Dean square in the face. For a few seconds, Cas is laughing so hard he can't breathe, before apologizing profusely, and holding out a hand to help Dean up. Dean retaliates by wrapping streamers around his head, and the next half hour is basically a write-off.

They finish everything by three and have to spend another half hour tidying up. There's a cafeteria window to one side of the hall, with a storage room behind it, so they stick all the extra supplies in there, and plan to come back before the party in case anything needs to be fixed. 

Dean's feeling better than he has since this whole thing started. Screw what Benny thinks, he can be friends with Cas and successfully plan his wedding, and he's going to. Cas comes in with a tote full of plates and cups, and Dean grins at him.

"We did good."

Cas laughs, and sets the tote down against the wall, "we did. Thank you so much, Dean. I know I wouldn't be able to do this without you."

"It's no problem, I'm glad to help." Cas just smiles, and Dean turns to leave, but when he steps away, Cas grabs his hand, and holds him back.

"Wait."

Dean's heart nearly jumps out of his throat, but he manages to keep himself calm, "what's up, Cas?" he turns back and Cas is just looking at him. There's tension in the air, not unlike what Dean's been feeling since they met, but this time it's palpable, and he knows he's not alone in this - he knows Cas can feel it too. He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. 

Cas leans in, and Dean can feel his breath on his face, but he doesn't move; he feels like he can't. This is bad. This is _very bad_. There is no possible way this situation doesn't end in disaster, and logically he knows that. It doesn't stop every fibre of his being from wanting to close that gap between them, and fuck everything up himself. He doesn't have to worry about that though, because Cas seems determined to do it for him. 

There's a breathy sound that could be translated as _Dean_ , before Cas' nose bumps against his own, and then his forehead is pressed against Dean's, and _God_ he wants this so badly. Unsure of what to do, he tips his head slightly to one side, and then Cas' lips press against his own, and his whole body lights up.


	7. Chapter 7

Time stands still as Dean tries to make sense of what's happening. Just the other day, he was convincing Charlie that he wasn't attracted to Cas, and now he's standing here, barely an inch away from him, and ever nerve in his body aches to press closer to to him. Now that he's in this position, he wants so badly to take what Cas is offering and run with it. But he can't. He can't because Cas is getting married, and as much as it fucking sucks, Dean tries to be a good person. He doesn't want to do that to Meg, and he doesn't want to ruin his career for the grown-up version of seven minutes in heaven. It's not worth it. 

But then Cas goes and fucks it all up for him. 

" _Dean_ ," he murmurs, his breath soft and warm against Dean's lips. Dean doesn't know what to say, and his eyes flutter shut.

" _Yeah_ ," he breathes, and he's not sure what it means, but he knows it's an answer, and Cas knows it too. Everything goes from zero to sixty in a second, and before Dean can even open his eyes, Cas' mouth is on his, and Dean's back hits the wall behind him, the full force of Cas' weight pinning him there. 

It takes exactly no time at all for Dean's cock to pick up on the situation, and he forces himself to think of the least sexy things possible to calm himself down. The last thing he needs is for Cas to think he's desperate and only doing this for the sex. He manages to keep his cock under control until Cas leans in to one side, his free hand running down Dean's side and back to cup his ass. That basically takes presidence over anything else in Dean's brain. 

Cas kisses him like _he's_ the one who's been holding himself back this whole time, and it hits Dean that maybe he has been, but his mind is too foggy to do anything but give back as good as he's getting. He winds his hands through Cas' hair, holding his head down to keep him closer. 

Cas tips his head, pulling away slightly to look at Dean's face. His lips are full and red, and Dean doesn't know how he's never noticed it before, but there's something ridiculously sexy about it, and Dean surges forward, dragging Cas' bottom lip between his teeth. He's rewarded with a stuttering breath as Cas fits himself up against Dean's body again rolling his hips slowly, his forehead pressed against Dean's. 

A desperate moan breaks through the sound of heavy breaths, and at first Dean's not sure who the sound comes from, but when Cas responds with a possessive rumble, he's pretty sure it was him. 

Cas' eyes flick up to meet his, and any doubt Dean might have had about Cas' intentions is gone. The look only lasts for a second before Cas' patience is worn, and his hands find their way into Dean's hair, pulling him back into a heated kiss. Dean drops his hands to Cas' waistband, untucking his shirt and slowly unbuttoning it as Cas keeps his mouth occupied. He drags his fingertips up the firm plane of Cas' stomach, savouring the sensation of the hot flesh against his own. He lets his fingers venture back down, playing with Cas' waistband before spreading his dingers wide and sliding them down the thick line of Cas' cock. He's rock hard, pressing desperately against the front of his pants, but when Dean tries to pull the zipper on Cas' pants, he gets his hand swatted away, and finds himself spun around and pressed back up against the wall. 

It send a wave of heat washing over him, and a an enthusiastic moan slips from his throat before he can stop himself. He'd never admit it to anyone, how he loves being pushed around like this, and when Cas rumbles low, right against his ear _not yet_ , Dean's fairly certain he's gonna come in his pants. His breath hitches when Cas thrusts against him, and he actually forgets how to breathe for a few seconds. He drops his head back onto Cas' shoulder, panting against the man's cheek, and Cas turns to face him, kissing him urgently. 

Dean's cock is aching, straining against his boxers, and he can feel himself leaking into the fabric. He needs something, _anything_ , but the position Cas has him in, he can't even get any relief rutting against the wall. He makes a motion to touch himself, to rub himself through his slacks, but Cas grabs both of his wrists in one hand, pulling them back behind his neck. He nips at Dean's neck, sucking on the sensitive skin there, and Dean whimpers, his head rolling on Cas shoulder.

" _Please, Cas_ -" Teeth graze the column of his neck, and he cuts himself off with a moan. Cas chuckles darkly against his ear, and tugs Dean's shirt over his head before dropping to his knees. Cas reaches around to undo the button on Dean's pants, and for a second, Dean's relieved, but Cas ignores his cock and tugs his pants down over the curve of his ass. Cas spreads his cheeks and nips at the soft flesh, sending little shockwaves through Dean's whole body. 

He presses his thumb against his hole, and Dean's head drops forward hard against the wall. He tries in vain to push back into the touch, but Cas is stronger than he looks, and he keeps Dean still, exactly where he wants him. He's not cruel, though; he pushes through the ring of muscle, only going so far that he knows he won't hurt Dean, and he thrusts in and out. Dean wants more; it's not realistic in this setting, but he wants Cas' cock, wants to be fucked so hard he can't stand, and _goddamn_ this almost is killing him. 

Cas rises up again and Dean can hear the zip of him undoing his pants before the hard, hot length of Cas' cock presses between his cheeks, sliding up and back down. Cas' breathing is staggered, and Dean can tell he's been holding out just as long as he has. He presses burning kisses into Dean's shoulder, groaning with each pump of his hips. He slips his hand down, pulling Dean's pants and boxers down and finally, _finally_ freeing his aching cock. 

The wet head bumps against Dean's stomach before Cas' fingers wrap around the base, and Dean's so fucking far gone he's afraid he's going to pass out. His touch is light at first, just barely there brushes of his fingertips, that gradually press more firmly into the flesh of Dean's erection. A breathy moan drops drom his lips and he arches back into Cas' chest, pressing into the heat of his skin. Cas' arm free arm comes up over his chest, fingers slipping over his shouder to hold him firmly in place against him.

Dean tries to thrust into Cas' hand, but the hold on him is too strong, so he pushes back instead, rutting against Cas' erection. The hand around his cock tightens, sliding up to the tip, and circling the head with his thumb. He makes a pathetic sort of whimpering noise, and Cas cups his chin, turning his face to kiss him. The head of Cas' cock catches briefly on his rim, and just the thought of it makes Dean want to beg Cas to fuck him, even if they aren't exactly prepared for that. Cas' well maintained composure is failing, and he kisses Dean hard, tracing the line of his lips with his tongue. Dean opens to him, moaning into his mouth and arching eagerly upwards. He can feel Cas' lips turn up in a smile.

" _Wish I could fuck you_ ," he groans, and Dean's not entirely sure it was meant to be said out loud, but he presses hard against Cas' cock, and breathes into his mouth. 

" _Fuck, me too_." 

Cas' nails dig into his shoulder and he pulls Dean tight to his chest, rutting hard against Dean's ass. Dean loses what little control he still has when Cas squeezes the head of his cock but Cas holds him close, kissing and nipping at his back and shoulders. Cas has barely been touching him for two minutes when Dean's control breaks. He comes with a breathless gasp, throwing his head back onto Cas' shoulder. Cas holds him through it, bringing his other arm up to wrap around Dean's stomach when he feels like he's falling apart at the seams, and he follows shortly after, shooting straight up Dean's back with a surprisingly high-pitched moan. 

Dean falls to his knees, and Cas collapses on top of him, hot and sticky and panting. Soft kisses pepper the line of his shoulders, and Dean turns to catch his lips in a proper kiss. Dean's exhausted, and his knees hurt from hitting the floor, but he hasn't felt this good in months. 

As they both come down from their orgasms, there's a stillness in the air that's not quite like anything Dean's ever felt. It's not awkward, which is a surprise, and Cas is a lot more affectionate post-sex than he would have expected, especially considering the circumstances. 

Cas gets up first and offers Dean a hand up, before moving to recover their shirts from one of the totes. Dean takes the time to try and make himself look presentable again despite the wet spot on his pants. Cas on the other hand, looks remarkably put together, and he pulls Dean close by his belt, tucking Dean's shirt back into his pants and kissing him again. 

"Thanks."

"I like this shirt," Cas hums, and it seems like such an odd thing to say at this point. Dean looks down at the familiar pink shirt, and silently thanks Charlie for making him buy it. This alone was worth the taunting from Sam when he came home with it.

They make sure the room is tidied, and any potentially suspicious stains are wiped down. Once they're sure there's no sign of the encounter they head out together, Dean standing on the steps while Cas locks up the hall. 

Cas turns around to face him slowly, "this probably shouldn't have happened."

"No," Dean agrees. 

"I don't- I don't do things like this. I do love Meg, you know."

"Yeah, I know. We all do stupid things sometimes Cas, doesn't change our agreement."

Cas' lips twitch a little at the corners. He gives Dean a little nod as he heads for his car, and Dean's heart flip flops in his chest. 

There are so many things running through Dean's mind as he watches the blue Chevelle drive away that he doesn't know what to focus on first. Was it the worst decision Dean has ever made? Yes. Is it going to fuck up everything in his personal _and_ professional life from here on it? Most definitely. But if he had the chance, he would do it the exact same way because fuck, it was good, and he's feeling better now than he can even remember. 

He slides into the driver's seat of the Impala and turns the stereo way up, tapping his fingers on the wheek as he pulls out of the parking lot.

\- - - - -

Dean's still singing along happily as he opens the front door and takes his shoes off. Benny gives him a questioning look as he passes through the living room, but Dean's in too good a mood to care, and he'll probably feel like shit in an hour so he's holding onto this as long as he can. He drops onto his bed, pulling his phone out to text Sam, and pulls his shirt off over his head. His pants and underwear follow suit and he pulls on a pair of house pants, flopping back on his bed with his phone. Sam replies, and Dean opens the message with a grin.

_> > What's with the good mood tonight?_

Dean shrugs him off like he did with Benny, says goodnight and plugs his phone in to charge. Nothing is going to ruin his night, not even Sam.

\- - - - -

When he wakes up the next morning, Dean's fantastic mood lingers until the point where he realizes he and Benny have to set up together this morning, and there is no way he will get through that without an explanation as to why he's in such a good mood. It's early as fuck, so Dean makes a pot of coffee and drinks one before he gets in the shower, then another once he's clean.

He dresses in his second nicest pair of slacks since his favourites are currently still sitting on his bedroom floor, and a pale blue dress shirt. He debates wearing a tie, but decides against it, seeing as there's still a lot of set-up to do, and it will probably just get in the way. 

The one bright side to being up so early, and being the wedding planner, he gets to leave before Benny, and delay the inevitable interrogation. If he can put it off until Cas arrives, he probably won't have to have that conversation until he gets home that evening. 

Cas is already at the hall when Dean arrives, and Dean notices the subtle way he straightens when the Impala comes into view. He smiles as Dean steps out of the car, and Dean pushes down the burning desire to just walk over there and kiss him stupid. 

"Morning Cas," he smiles, "you ready for today?"

"Good morning," Cas returns, a little half smile playing on his lips. "I'm a little nervous, but I think it'll be great. Are you ready to blow up balloons for three hours?"

Dean laughs out loud, clapping Cas on the shoulder as they walk into the hall, "man, I wish you hadn't reminded me."

It's not quite three hours, but by the time Benny and Elizabeth show up with their people, Dean and Cas have only gotten through half the balloons, and if Dean thought giving blowjobs made his face sore, it's nothing compared to blowing up some hundred balloons. He ducks out, apologetically leaving Cas alone with the terrible job, and heads over to explain how things are going to work for Benny and Elizabeth.

\- - - - -

People start arriving just after the kitchen staff is set up, and Dean and Cas have _finally_ finished with the balloons. Dean makes Cas promise that if he wants a single goddamn balloon at their wedding, there had better be a pump to blow them up.

Cas heads out just before noon to pick Meg up from the airport, and Dean's stomach ties itself in knots. He doesn't know how to face Meg after yesterday, and he doesn't have a good reason to leave - at least not for a couple more hours. 

When they get back, Meg is in utter shock to find what's waiting for her, and Dean has to look away when she turns to kiss Cas because he just can't do it - not today. He tries to avoid her for as long as possible, checking in on everyone to make sure everything's going okay, and talking to Cas when Meg is busy with someone else. Then she and Cas come up to him and he can't avoid it any longer. He's going to have to face it at some point, it may as well be now. 

"Dean," Meg starts, "I can't even believe this. It's fantastic." Dean just smiles, glancing briefly back at Cas behind her. "Thank you so much, I have no idea how you two pulled this all together."

"It was nothing," Dean lies, barely resisting the urge to rub his cheeks. 

"Still, it looks great in here, I had no idea."

"Well, I hope you're enjoying yourself," Dean smiles. Meg looks like she's about to say something else, but Dean's phone rings, and it could be Ally, so he has to take the call. Meg understands and she whirls away to talk to someone else, and Dean is thankful that the ringtone he chose for Sam isn't particularly obvious.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hey?"

"Oh, hey Sam."

"Dude, what's up?"

"I told you, it's Cas' party today, then I have a meeting with the Joneses."

"Shit, right."

"Why, what's up?"

"Well, I was talking to Jo and Ellen about your birthday and-"

"I thought we talked about this. I'm too old for birthdays." Dean catches Cas' quirked eyebrow out of the corner of his eye, and shakes his head, expecting sympathy. He gets none, just a small, terribly suspicious smile.

"Yeah, but Dean, you're thirty-"

"The best reason to not celebrate."

"Oh come on, it's not that bad."

"Says you."

"C'mon Dean, I just want to do something fun for once."

"Your birthday is four months away, can't you just wait for that? Why don't we just have dinner with Mom or something."

"Because that's lame. No offense to Mom, but that's not exactly a party."

"My point exactly. Look, I'm not gonna argue about this right now, Cas is looking at me like I'm crazy. I'll call you when I get home, okay?"

"Yeah, alright. Have fun at your party."

Dean shakes his head and presses the end call button, slipping his phone back into his pocket, and Cas is immediately on him.

"I would never look at you like you're crazy."

Okay, weird, but whatever. "I needed an out, you were great. Thank you."

"Also, you never told me it was your birthday."

"It's not. It's next week, but I don't do birthdays."

"Why not?"

"Why would I want to celebrate getting old?" He leaves out the bit about being bitterly single and miserable, because he might be getting lax in his professionalism around Cas, but he doesn't need to dump his personal shit on the guy. 

"It's another year you've made it through," Cas says simply, as if it's obvious, "it's not celebrating getting old, it's celebrating your life. The fact that you've overcome the difficulties, and you're still here, and going strong."

Dean pauses, trying to remember what he and Cas talked about, because the way he's talking sounds like Charlie when she's encouraging him to get out of bed on bad days, but Cas doesn't know any of that shit. 

"Dean?"

"Uh," Dean shakes his head and turns to look at Cas, "yeah?"

"Are you okay?" Cas frowns.

"Yeah, sorry. Just a little distracted. What are you doing over here anyway, go have fun. This is your party too, man."

The next few hours pass in a whirlwind of meeting people - most of whom are involved in the wedding somehow - and accepting compliments on the venue. Dean manages to sneak out early, due to an obligation with his other couple, but Cas cuts him off in the parking lot. 

"Hey," Dean says, "I thought I'd gotten away undetected, what are you doing out here."

"I just wanted to thank you again," Cas says. "I'm honestly so grateful for everything you've done. I was afraid we'd never find someone who was willing to put so much time into this wedding, and after-" he falters, "I just hope my actions haven't done anything to affect our working relationship."

"No dude it takes two to... y'know."

Cas' lips twitch, but if he's feeling any way in particular, he doesn't show it, "thank you, Dean. I can't imagine having found a better wedding planner. It's only been a week and already you've gone out of your way for me, and Meg is so happy."

"Come on man, it's what I do. I make people happy by throwing them parties."

"It's more than that, Dean."

Dean wants to make some comment about how the sex is usually extra, bcause this is bordering on sentiment, and Dean doesn't do feelings well. Which, really, is probably part of the reason that he's a single, twenty-nine year old wedding planner. Ugh. He refrains from making jokes, and shrugs.

"Not really."

Cas nods like he realizes Dean is entirely done with this conversation, and casually changes the subject, "are you busy at all this week? I'd like to get together while Meg is still in town if you're not busy."

"Yeah, definitely. I'll give you a call later, or maybe tomorrow, I promised Sam I'd call him back tonight." He rolls his eyes and Cas gives him a little smile. 

"You should let your brother throw you a party."

"We'll see."

"Thank you, again."

"No problem Cas, talk to you soon." There's a pause for a moment, as if neither of them are really sure what to do with themselves now that they're not talking. It's Cas who moves first, as seems to be the way with this relationship, stepping forward a wrapping his arms around Dean. Dean shuts his eyes, slipping one arm around Cas' back. He smells amazing, and as Cas pulls away, giving Dean a brief smile as he turns away, the only thing Dean can think is that he's going to smell like Cas' cologne all day.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm posting this early bc I don't think I will have the patience for it in the morning. 
> 
> Before I started posting this, it was just me and my story and I never let anyone read it, and it was my baby. Now it's out there in the world, and I have so many feelings. It's hard to go through and read it all over again, bc a lot of my favourite parts are also kind of awful bc Cas is 100% being a piece of shit. I kind of want to post it all and not have to worry about it again but there was so much to it. 
> 
> ANYWAY, for those of you who are reading, opinions? Should I just post the whole thing or stick it out with the tri-weekly thing? (Also maybe I could just post every day??? idk)
> 
> There's also a playlist - I don't have an actual audio version, but I have the list of songs if anyone is interested.

Dean arrives at Ally's house just before one, and he's a little early, but Marion's car is parked behind Ally's so at least someone will be happy to see him. He walks up to the front door, and is surprised when the door opens in front of him, and Mark Jones is the one standing in the doorway. 

"Dean," he smiles, "I heard you coming. Good to see you again."

"And you. It's been a while."

"Ally likes to do most of the planning on her own, and the party's not as important to me as it is to her, so," he shrugs, "I'm not missing out on much am I?"

Dean remembers that he actually really likes Mark, and he kind of feels bad that he's going to be stuck with Ally for the rest of his life. He's a good guy, he's just a pushover. 

"Nothing I think you'd miss," Dean grins, "shall we, we've got a lot to discuss today."

"Certainly," Mark smiles, standing aside to let Dean pass. He leads him into the living room where Ally and her mother are sitting on the couch with, much to Dean's surprise, their wedding timeline and notebook out in front of him. With any luck, Ally's dress has given her the incentive to move forward with her planning. _Thank god_.

"Hello, Dean," Marion smiles, "come sit down, we were just looking through some of the plans."

"I see that," Dean says, walking around the couch to sit on the armchair at the other end. "How's it going, Ally?"

"I dunno," she sighs, "have you heard anything about my dress?"

"I checked in with Agatha, and it looks like the alterations are almost done. I can try and get us in this week to see it, if that works for you?" he looks over at her, and Ally visibly brightens.

"Can we?"

"Definitely. I'll give her a call when I get home today. Right now though, I want to verify a couple things before I go and book them."

Ally is much more agreeable than he's seen her, and Dean attributes that to her mother and her fiance being with them for this meeting, and after only half an hour, Dean's already got a list of people to phone or email when he gets home to finalize the bookings. Honestly, he never thought they'd get to this point; half the time he's still worried Ally's going to fire him over a difference of opinion - probably to do with the budget. 

Dean has pretty much managed to cover everything today, which is feat and a half, and he's got all of them together for once, so he decides he may as well get an early start on day-of planning. He gives them all copies of timeline templates to go over, and denotes where changes would have to be made to meet their particular needs. 

He leaves them each with a task for the next time they meet, and promises to call Ally as soon as he has an appointment for her dress. 

Dean's exhausted by the time he gets home, and he goes straight to bed, flopping onto his mattress. When he pulls out his phone, there's a message from Cas, and the fluttering feeling in his chest makes him feel like the first time he asked out Lisa Braeden. He opens the text and wrinkles his nose. 

_> >Everything went perfectly today Dean, I can't thank you enough._

Dean shoots off a quick reply and tucks his phone away for the night, but he spends ages just staring up at the ceiling, grinning to himself like an idiot.

\- - - - -

The guilt sets in the next morning when he wakes up to a text from Meg, not Cas, to confirm their meeting for that day. He texts her back as soon as he's up, and asks if they'd like to meet at the cafe again, then proceeds to dread their appointment for the next two hours because yesterday there were other people around, but today it will just be him and Meg and Cas.

When he gets to the cafe, he makes sure to get there first so they can't catch him off guard, and he lays out all the photos and documents he needs. 

Meg and Cas arrive only a few minutes later and both of them sit across from Dean, glancing at the papers covering the table. Dean starts by asking Meg about herself, adding that he and Cas talked a little about their background the last time they met, but he'd like to hear her side of the story. 

"He was so cute when he asked me to that dance, I thought he was going to explode." Cas frowns directly in Dean's direction, and Dean can barely hold back a grin. He listens patiently while they bicker over who said what, and that familiar little ache that's been notably absent suddenly rears it's ugly head again. 

"So what have you two been up to without me?" Meg asks, and Dean has to try very hard not to look at Cas.

"Well, last time we met we were mostly discussing venues," it's not techinically a lie. That _was_ the last time they met, and Dean doesn't feel the need to mention the time before when they got fuck all done because all they talked about was each other. "We narrowed the venues down to five - you were there for part of that, and there's not a whole lot more we can do before I call them to confirm their availability for your date."

"That's fair, I just wanted to get caught up."

"Unfortunately, at this point, there's not a lot to catch you up on."

Meg nods understandingly, "it's just weird being so far away while you two are back here." She sounds legitimately upset about it and Dean regrets ever doubting her intentions. Not to mention the fact that he can still feel Cas' hands on him every goddamn time he looks at the man. 

"One thing we can look into," Dean says, forcing his brain to focus on the now, "is your guest list. Have you got confirmation on your wedding party yet?"

"Yeah," Meg nods, "my girls are good. I think we're just waiting to hear from Balth?" she asks, looking to Cas for the answer.

"Actually no. He called the other night - sorry, Dean, I forgot to mention it with all the party stuff - Balthazar will be here. Everyone involved has confirmed."

"Excellent. So I guess we can't look at the rest of the guest list until we figure out the venue, just in case, but if you two can start working on a revised version, it'll help out a lot if we do need to change it."

"Definitely," Cas says, checking his watch. Dean has never been so relieved that someone is impatient, because he can't wait to get out of this place and just go... anywhere else. Anywhere where Cas and Meg are not. 

"Do you have to be somewhere?" he asks, sounding as casual as possible.

"You don't mind if we cut this a bit short do you? Meg and I have a reservation for lunch. I forgot about our meeting when I booked-"

"Not a problem," Dean offers, cutting him off. "You guys do whatever you want to do. I'm good on my own for a bit, I can call the venues to arrange everything, and I'll let you know what I hear."

"Thank you, Dean."

"Yeah, and thank you again for the party," Meg smiles, looking from Cas back to Dean, "Cas says he wouldn't have been able to do it without you."

"It's my pleasure, though I'm sure he would have managed somehow." 

Cas and Meg stand to leave, but Cas pauses for a moment after Meg's started toward the door, "call me on Wednesday?"

Dean is about to argue, but he realizes they already made plans to meet that day, and talk about god knows what, "yeah, for sure. See you then."

\- - - - -

The morning of Dean's birthday comes too soon for his liking, and he intends to spend the entire day in bed. His plan to is call Cas and feign some sort of sickness, at the same time preventing any attempts at 'fun' from Sam or Charlie or whoever. Benny is too busy with work to worry too much about birthdays, so Dean figures he's got himself covered, and everything will be fine.

He doesn't even get out of bed before his phone rings. 

Recognizing his general ringtone, Dean groans into his pillow and rolls over grudgingly, because if it's not Sam or Charlie, it's probably Ally. He does _not_ want to talk to Ally today. Dean doesn't even bother sitting up, just holds his phone up to his ear and prepares himself to sound as sick as possible. He's not expecting to hear Cas on the other end. 

"Happy birthday," he says, cheerily, and Dean just groans. "That's not generally the accepted response." Cas teases. 

"My clients don't usually call me to say happy birthday," Dean replies, "I'm not prepared to repsond to it."

"And your friends?" he asks, and Dean doesn't miss the point he's trying to make.

"Most of them are too busy being mad at me for not wanting to go out and celebrate. I'm hoping they stay that way until tomorrow. Some of them should be more concerned about meetings they have today."

"Speaking of which," Cas starts.

"That doesn't sound good."

Cas chuckles, "what if we bypass that meeting for today?"

Dean's mind races, and his interest picks up, "and do what instead?"

Cas' dead silence is more than a little suspicious.

"Cas?"

"I know you don't do birthdays-" he starts, and already this is not what Dean was hoping for, but it's Cas, so he's willing to hear him out.

"Go on."

"Meg left this morning, and you're trying to avoid everyone else, so why don't we go out."

Dean's heart skips a beat, "is that a good idea?"

"You're my wedding planner, not my parole officer. We're allowed to be friends, unless-"

"No, you're right. I just haven't been exactly professional with you," he says awkwardly, "it's just overcompensation, I guess." The line goes quiet, and Dean's afraid he's said something dumb, because honestly, he does hate his birthday, but if he's going to do anything, it may as well be with him. 

"So, is that a yes or a no?"

"Alright, you win," Dean concedes, though he's grinning like a fucking moron with his blankets pulled up over his chest. 

"Good. I'll pick you up around five."

"Okay, I'll see you then."

\- - - - -

Dean spends most of his day lounging around and being equal parts terrified and excited for whatever Cas has planned for him because he doesn't do this. Charlie aside, he has literally never spent time with his clients outside their designated appointments, but he should have known Cas was different. Everything about this wedding has been different, and he should have trusted his insincts when he thought he was in over his head, because back then, he had no idea.

Cas arrives at 4:57 and Dean's heart is pounding so hard in his chest that he's afraid Cas will hear it. He sits down at the kitchen table and takes a few deep breaths. It works until Cs knocks on the door, and Dean's heart leaps right back up into his throat. 

Dean clears his throat before opening the door, and Cas is beaming at him from the porch. He wishes this was a date - it _feels_ like a date, and it's so easy to fall into thinking that it is. 

"Happ birthday."

"Thanks, Cas."

"Are you ready to go? You look good."

Dean stammers, "uh, thanks. I think I'm good." 

Cas gestures for him to leave, and Dean grabs his coat before following Cas out the door, pulling it over his shoulders as he locks up and jogs down the stairs. For a minute, he had been so preoccupied with Cas, that he had forgotten about the car. It's parked in the driveway, side by side with the Impala, and they look good together. It's a stupid thing to think, that their cars look good together, but they just do. 

He climbs into the passenger side of the Chevelle, and settles into the seat, mentally trying to prepare himself for the night ahead. 

"So where are we headed?" he asks as Cas pulls out onto the road.

"It's called Jamieson's."

Dean stops for a second, because this could go so badly, "a friend of mine works there."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," he agrees, and that's all that's said about it, before they pull up into the gravel parking lot. 

Jamieson's is a lot like The Roadhouse, back in South Dakota, and Dean can see why Jo chose this place to work when she moved. It's a lot cleaner, granted but it got the same wooden siding, and when they walk inside, it almost feels like Dean's been here before. That much, he assumes, is Jo's work. 

There's a long wooden bar against the back wall, and booth seats lining the right wall, save for a kitchen entrance in the far right corner. There's a jukebox, pool table, and when Dean looks down to the left, past the bathrooms, a karaoke stage. He cocks an eyebrow at Cas, and the man doesn't even look at him, just grins and proceeds to the bar. 

The bartended is just pouring their drinks, when, trust Dean's luck, Jo appears from out of the kitchen, with a bowl of french fries in one hand. 

"Hey, Dean, what are you doing here."

"I was kidnapped," he deadpans, hoping she won't pry too much. Or tell Sam. God forbid, she tells Sam about this. Before she has a chance to respond, Cas takes their drinks, and nods toward one of the booth seats.

"I'll find us a table." He wanders off, and Dean can't help but watch after him. When he looks back, Jo's grinning in his direction.

"Kidnapped, huh?"

"It's not what you think."

"Uh-huh, are you sure, because he's fucking hot, Dean."

"Yeah, he is, and he's engaged."

"Too bad."

"Tell me about it." Dean turns to leave, but he spots a familiar, face in the corner. _Fuck_ , Sam is not supposed to be here. He manages to ge back to the table and slide in across from Cas without being noticed, but he knows it won't last long. 

"My brother's here," he says simply. 

Cas shrugs, "I'll explain it, if he's upset."

"You don't have to do that, man, I can stand up for myself."

"Maybe, but I'm the one who brought you here."

Dean's not sure what he's done to deserve this; he's tried to be good most of his life, and he never gets anything back. All he gets is Cas who is, granted, amazing, but is also engaged to someone else. He pounds back his first drink like nothing. Then another, and another. It's not unlike the plan he had for himself for tonight, only this time he has Cas, so maybe it's a step in the right direction. 

He's a couple drinks in when Sam appears. Dean's already a little foggy, so he doesn't complain when Sam shoves him over and sits down next to him. 

"So much for not doing birthdays," he says. It's not malicious, but Dean does feel a little guilty for not at least telling Sam he had plans. 

"My idea," Cas puts in. "I'm Cas, by the way." Sam doesn't skip a beat, introducing himself, but Dean just knows he's going to hear about this later. 

He listens quietly as Sam and Cas talk about, well, him mostly. Dean leans on one arm, watching Cas and drinking his drink. Jo brings them a plate of nachos a few minutes later, and Dean doesn't miss the way she smiles at Sam as she walks away. 

The bar starts to fill up the later it gets, and around ten o'clock, the karaoke DJ sets up. Cas gives him a look, and Dean just shakes his head. 

"I don't think so, dude."

"I do," Cas counters, "when I was younger, any time I was upset, my brother would bring me to karaoke. You don't do birthdays, so we'll do karaoke instead."

"Alright," Sam says, not giving Dean a chance to respond, "you two have fun. I'm gonna head out, gotta get up early tomorrow." Normally Dean would drop evrrything for the chance to see his brother do karaoke, but right now he finds he's actually glad Sam will be leaving them alone, despite the fact that deep down, he knows being alone with Cas anywhere is a terrible idea. Even the middle of a crowded bar. 

It seems that karaoke is the main attraction on a Wednesday, because suddenly theirs is the only table that's not completely packed. Dean watches idly as the Dj gets everything set up, and as the first person gets up to sing. He's content to sit and watch, drinking his whisky and humming along to the song - something from the new Guardians movie, he can't remember. 

The second guy who gets up there, is much more interesting. He's tall and tan, with a straw coloured cowboy hat, and he's singing Shania Twain. He's also, apparently, fixated on Dean, because he spends more than half his performance staring at their table. Now normally, Dean would be right on that; he'd be right next to that stage as soon as cowboy guy was finished his song, but tonight, the attention just makes him feel uncomfortable. Really there's no reason he should be, but Cas is right there, and Dean has already let himself grow far too attached to him. And besides, judging by the look on Cas' face right now - aimed directly at the stage - Dean is not the only one feeling a little uncomfortable. 

If Dean's honest, he likes it. He likes the fact that Cas doesn't like some random dude staring at him. Realistically, he knows it means nothing, because Cas has a fiancee and Dean is just his wedding planner, but it feels good to have someone acting petty for his sake. It's been a long time since anyone every got jealous over him; God knows Benny doesn't.

Part of him is disappointed when the song ends, but it has nothing to do with cowboy dude walking away in the other direction. 

There's some sort of mechanical issue with the next song, and Dean loses interest. He turns back to Cas, who's still watching with some sort of interest, chewing on his straw. Dean gaps out, just staring because Cas really is beautiful, and if he wasn't enagaged, he'd have him out of this bad so goddamn fast that neither of them would know what happened. 

His mind wanders, and it's not until Cas starts singing along, that Dean realizes he's been staring for who knows how long. What gets him is that Cas is singing. His voice is low and almost inaudible, but the song is unmistakable. 

"You listen to Fleetwood Mac?" Dean asks, and Cas glances up at him, confused. 

"Sorry?"

"The song? Fleetwood Mac?"

"Oh," Cas smiles, "yeah. My sister is a huge fan. She wanted to marry Stevie Nicks. Given the chance, she probably still would."

"I didn't know you had a sister?"

"Yeah, she's older. I mean, all of them are older, but Anna's the second oldest, and she moved on. Disassociated with the family so I haven't seen her in years, but when I was a kid, we'd lie on the living room floor in the sun and she'd play me her Fleetwood Mac records."

Dean can't help the way his heart clenches because Cas just seems so sad talking about his sister. 

"Why don't you try to get in touch with her?"

Cas just shakes his head, "I don't know where she is. No one's seen or heard from her in three years, at least no that I know of."

"I could help you," Dean offers, and he's just drunk enough that he means it. 

"I couldn't ask you for that."

"You could ask me for anything," and Dean's pretty sure he means that, too. Cas is about to respond, probably to tell him no, but the karaoke DJ calls him up, and what?

"You're singing?" Dean asks.

"Looks like I am," Cas grins back at him. A little thrill of excitement goes through him at the thought of hearing Cas sing, and he turns to lean out of the booth, elbows resting on his knees. 

Dean knows the song from the second it starts, and he shakes his head with a grin because _of course_ Cas likes Elvis. Of course he does. 

He's also remarkably good, especially condiering how much they've been drinking already, which is excellent because Dean totally needs another reason to be attracted to him. As if his face and literally everything about him wasn't bad enough, now he sings too. 

He catches Jo watching him out of the corner of his eye, and straightens up, turning back in to face the table. The last thing he needs right now is to have her knowing anything that's going on in his head, especially if she finds out who Cas is. He leans back in the booth, closing his eyes and listening to Cas' voice fill the bar, intertwining with the muddled voices and clinking of glass. He starts to realize how drunk he is when he opens his eyes and it takes a few seconds for the bar to come into focus. 

Cas rejoins him a few minutes later, and Dean leans across the table at him, "you sound amazing."

"Thank you," Cas smiles, and Dean just grins back at him. 

They sit through a few more songs, as far as Dean's concerned it could be 2 or it could be 20, all he really cares about at this point is Cas. They sing along, and Cas asks Dean about music, and Dean is more than willing to talk about his music for hours, God knows Sam won't listen to him anymore. And then, _then_.

They're just sitting there, waiting for the next person to be called, when Dean hears his own name shouted out over the crowd. He cocks his head at Cas, and the man just shrugs. 

"Fine, you owe me." Dean pushes himself up from the booth and heads to the stage. 

"Alright, so what am I singing?" 

"The Joker," the DJ smirks, quirking an eye at him.

Dean shoots a look at Cas across the crowded room, and recieves an overly confident smirk in return. Fine, if this is how Cas wants to play, Dean will play. He steps up to the mic, tapping his feet as the lyrics pop up on screen.

He's got a good start, because he knows the song, so he's not going to make a complete idiot of himself. He gets into it pretty quickly, dancing with the mic and singing directly at Cas, who seems to be enjoying himself immensely. Behind the bar, Jo is dancing along with him, mouthing the words as she continues serving. 

He gets the crowd worked up, until they're all singing along with him, and he can't help the triumphant grin that stays plastered on his face until he finishes and slides back into the booth across from Cas. 

"Very good," Cas chuckles, "I didn't think you'd do it."

"I've done worse."

"I believe you."

Dean pauses, ignoring that comment and tossing back the rest of his whisky, "you know, I'm actually having a really good night. Thank you."

"My pleasure."

The last song of the night is Billy Joel's piano man, and nearly everyone in the bar is shouting the lyrics at the top of their lungs, Cas and Dean included. Dean's fucking elated. He hasn't had so much fun since he can't remember when, so when Cas subtly takes his hand and tugs him toward the door, he goes easily. He pays off their tab, despite Dean's arguing, and they tumble out in the night together.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I think I'm going to try posting Mon-Fri and see how that goes. If all goes well, the timing should line up pretty well with the story.  
> This is the last currently postable chapter I have bc I got distracted with Christmas fics and fell behind on editing. whoops.  
> Also, thank you all so much for your comments! I don't always reply to every single one, but most of the time I don't know what to say, but I still love them <33

There's a cab just dropping off a young couple, and they manage to snag it. They both get out at Dean's house, because it's closer, and Dean's drunk brain isn't exactly thinking of how Cas will make it home later. They stumble through the house, and Dean's not really sure where this is all going, but his bedroom is safe - whatever happens, Benny won't go in there without his permission, so that's where he heads. 

He misses the door by a foot, and Cas comes tumbling into him, face first. Dean laughs, twisting to face him, and Cas braces himself against the wall on either side of his hips. Dean squirms under him, heat rising up his back and neck. 

Cas presses his knee between Dean's legs, pushing up close against him, "you're hard," he breathes. Dean can't do anything but shut his eyes, and gasp lightly as Cas' knee rubs against his covered cock. Oh God, this wasn't supposed to happen. 

"Sorry."

"What are you doing to me," is all Cas manages in response before his lips press against Dean's, and he's kissing him hard and urgent. Dean responds in kind, pushing back all the voices that remind him how stupid this is. Cas _wants_ him, and fuck does he want Cas. 

He shoves his hands under Cas' coat, running up his back and curling his fingers in the back of his shirt. Cas rolls his hips against him, and Dean groans at the press of Cas' cock agaisnt his own. He can't stop thinking of the last time, the way Cas felt against him, his bare cock sliding agaisnt his skin, and it does nothing to curb his desire. 

Dean hooks a leg around Cas' knee, and before he knows what's happening, he's in the air, his back pressed hard against the wall, and Cas' hands under his thighs. He pulls Cas closer, kissing him hard and fast. He's about to suggest they move to the bedroom, when there's a loud click from the kitchen that tells him Benny's home. 

He mumbles a dissatisfied _fuck_ against Cas' lips, and within seconds, he's standing on his own, Cas a couple feet away from him. That's how Benny finds them - Dean looking completely ruffled and in shock, and Cas calm as ever, leaning agaisnt the opposite wall. 

"So you'll let me know tomorrow? About the meeting with the venues?"

Dean nods like he knows what Cas is talking about, and thanks every deity that may be listening that Cas is focused enough to make up an excuse. 

"Yeah, definitely," he nods, hoping he sounds half as put together as Cas does. 

"See you then."

"Seeya."

Cas heads toward the kitchen, and Dean can hear the brief interaction as he runs into Benny, and then Dean's face to face with a highly unimpressed roommate.

"You smell like whisky."

"I was at the bar?" Dean replies, not entirely sure what he's supposed to say.

"And the guy? That was Cas, right?"

"C'mon Benny-"

"Dean, you're getting too close."

"Dude, leave it alone."

"Dean, it's almost two in the morning. When was the last time you had _anyone_ here that late, and now you've got your client here with you? When you're stinking of alcohol."

Dean really has no way to respond to that. Yeah, it's fucked, but it's not any of Benny's business, and he's not in the mood right now. "I'm too drunk for this shit, Benny. I'm going to bed." He turns, pulling his door open without much effort, and closing it behind him. All he can hope for is that Benny's tired enough that he doesn't put two and two together. He turns off the light and crawls into bed.

He's almost asleep when his phone bleeps, and he digs it out from under his pillow to find one text from Cas.

_> > sorry we got interrupted._

**_< < Yeah, me too_**, he types, hitting the send button and dropping the phone into the blankets. He shuts his eyes for a second, and is asleep before the next message is delivered.

\- - - - -

When Dean wakes up sometime the next morning, his cock is rock hard and throbbing against his thigh. He rolls over and groans into his pillow, mourning the loss of what was turning out to be a very pleasant dream. He pulls his phone out from under his shoulder, and presses the home button to figure out what time it is. Apparently, it's only 6:22 am, which is bullshit, because that means he's only slept roughly four hours, and should definitely _not_ be awake yet. Still, he checks his unread emails - junk mail, and some offer from his phone provider - to make sure they aren't from Ally, or any other prospective clients, then clicks opens his new text message, and nearly drops his phone.

He's prepared to deal with clients after four hours sleep, but what he's not prepared for is a fairly well-lit photo of Cas' cock - thick and hard, curved up against the swell of his stomach, and he instantly regrets falling asleep last night. His hips jerk automatically into the mattress, and he lets out of small gasp, stifling the sound with his pillow. 

Jerking off to Cas would be weird, he reminds himself. Cas is his client. Cas is engaged. 

He shifts slightly and his cock rubs against the inside of his jeans. 

On the other hand, Cas is fucking hot, and clearly not against doing anything else with him. And he's the one who sent the picture, so...

He shuts his eyes and slides his hand down under his hips, curling his fingers around his cock. _Fuck yeah_. He rolls onto his back, slipping his hand up over the head of his cock and twisting at the head. His mind is preoccupied, focused on the bright blue of Cas' eyes, and the way he feels pressed up against Dean's chest. 

Dean rocks up into his own hand, his hips stuttering as he gets lost in the fantasy of Cas fucking him up against a wall. He's barely touched himself, and he's already so fucking desperate he's starting to lose control. Rolling onto his side, he jerks himself fast, gripping hard around his length as one hand reaches back behind his balls. He presses one finger against the ring of muscle, and bites down on his bottom lip to keep from moaning out loud. He can still feel Cas' hands on him from the night before, and god, he wants to feel him again, wants Cas to touch him everywhere, until he can't stand it any longer, and then fuck him hard and fast- 

His thoughts are interupted by the urgent sensation that he's about to come. He works himself desperately, in quick strokes over the head, grunting into the blankets as he curls in on himself. It's so fucking good, and before he can move, he's coming hard, soaking his sheets and blanket. 

He rolls belatedly onto his back, one arm thrown across his chest, and lets his breathing return to normal before making any effort to move. Once his heartbeat has slowed, he pulls his phone back out and sets a lock on it, because there's no way he's going to get away with that if anyone finds it, and rolls out of bed. 

When he stands in front of the mirror, he looks like hell warmed over, and a change of clothes doesn't do anything to ease the pounding in his head. He also has to fight back the waves of guilt over jerking off thinking about Cas, because he doesn't even really want to think about that right now. Or ever. Jerking off _with_ Cas is one thing, but- 

He stops himself, he doesn't need this shit so early in the morning. 

For once, Dean kind of wishes he was working today. He mopes around the house until noon, at which point Benny sits him down at the table and plops a sandwich and salad in front of him. 

"Eat, you'll feel better." 

Dean does as he's told, sitting in silence, despite the fact that Benny sits across from him to eat. He's terrified that Benny saw or heard something he shouldn't have last night, and although he's pretty sure he would have mentioned something by now, he can't shake the feeling that something's off. 

It doesn't come out until after dinner, when Benny's heading out to some work thing. He gets another lecture about getting to close to Cas because he's just a client and Dean needs to keep his work and private life separate and blah blah blah. Normally, Dean would agree with him, his ability to compartmentalize is actually one of the things he's proudest of, but unbeknownst to Benny, Dean's already gone and fucked himself on this one, so why not enjoy the ride. 

He settles for agreeing with Benny, and tells him to have a good night with his coworkers, and they end of fairly good terms, which isn't common recently. Dean's feeling a little better by the time he goes to bed, but all in all the day has been a write-off, and he's dreading his next meeting with Cas, especially considering he hasn't heard from him all day.

\- - - - -

The end of January is always the worst part of the year for Dean - least of all because he has to deal with another birthday over and done with - but this year, when he wakes up on the morning of the thirtieth, he feels like he's been run over by a dump truck. There's a good possibility it's the combination of whisky and tequila from the night before, but the drinking also could have been caused by the fact that he looked at the calendar. It's one of those things that doesn't seem like a big deal the rest of the year, but the night before it always hits him, and it hits him hard.

He's got a meeting with Cas today, and he wants to cancel, but at this point, if he doesn't owe it to Cas, he damn well owes it to Meg to give this wedding everything, and that means not cancelling because of something that happened almost ten years ago. Really, he shouldn't have made this appointment to begin with; it's not like he didn't know it was coming. Dean is a grown man, and he can deal with this crap without having to bother anyone else with it. It's just one meeting with Cas and then he can go drink with his mom and Sam like he does every year. 

Before he gets into the shower, he shoots off a quick text to his mom; nothing much, just a simple love you, followed by see you tonight, and then he shoves his phone in his bag and heads for the bathroom. The shower is hot, and Dean shuts his eyes as it pounds down on his shoulders, shutting out everything but the heat of it on his skin. He washes his hair and scrubs himself clean as he normally would, and when he gets out he dresses himself in something nice because he doesn't need to look like shit just because he feels like shit. 

On his way out the door, he grabs his keys from the hook, but he barely has the wherewithal to remember his bag from the tabe. It's gonna be a long fucking day. 

Cas meets him in the parking lot of the cafe; he's leaning against his car, and normally the sight would be enough to bring a smile to Dean's face, but today his happiness is forced. He pulls up a grin and gestures for Cas to go ahead of him, and he does, but he gives Dean an odd look as he starts toward the door, and Dean knows that won't bode well for the rest of the meeting. 

He hates it; the sympathy, the sad looks - they've all gotten enough of it over the years, and when he was younger maybe it helped him feel a little bit better, but it's been nine years and Dean is so over it. All of it. All he wants is to move on with his life, but everyone keeps reminding him year after year. The fact that Cas is doing it now is almost worse, because he doesn't need his problems stacking on top of each other, and Cas shouldn't care so much if he's upset. Cas should only care that Dean gets his job done. 

They're booking tours with the venues today; hopefully all five of them during Meg's visit so she can see everything for herself. Dean puts on his brightest, most enthusiastic voice and calls the first place. He puts them on speakerphone so Cas can talk to, and they discuss the details of the wedding and Dean books them in for a walk-through. 

Cas sounds noticably less enthusiastic, and during their third interview, Dean catches him staring when he's not paying attention. Cas adjusts himself immediately, but it's too late. Dean's already emotionally exhausted, and all he wants to do is get out of there and see his mom, but he pushes through two more calls before making an excuse to leave. Cas doesn't try and stop him, but the look on his face when Dean slams the car door a little too harshly makes him feel bad. 

He's shaking as he drives away from the cafe, and he makes it as far as his mom's house before he breaks down completely. 

Dean drops his head onto his hands, fingers still clenched tightly around the steering wheel, and he cries. It's been nine years, and he's been through every version of _"it'll get better"_ or _"time heals all wounds"_ but none of them ever help, and none of them ever bring his dad back. 

He sits in the driveway for fifteen minutes before his mom finds him, and she doesn't look like she's in any better shape, but she pulls up a smile and holds a hand out to help him out of the car. She holds him a little longer than usual, but Dean doesn't complain, and she presses a hand to his back, leading him toward the house. At least he doesn't have to be alone in this; in this one thing he will always have Sam and Mary to sympathize, and to understand what he's going through, even when no one else does. 

"How's your day been?" she asks as they sit down on the couch together.

"Could've been better. Had a meeting with Cas - my new client - and we uh, we booked a couple venue tours. Not too much. You?"

"Not much either. I talked to Ellen for a while this morning, then I made myself lunch and that's about it."

They don't say much else, because there's not much to say. They've been through almost a decade of this and after a while _I miss him too_ starts to lose all meaning. John's gone; Dean lost his dad, and Mary lost the love of her life - there's nothing either of them can say to mkae that better, so they don't. Instead, they listen to John's old records or watch his old movies, and just appreciate the fact that they still have each other. 

When Sam arrives, Mary puts on old family movies, and Sam gets them all wine. Most years, he and Dean will spend the night, but this year Dean can't bring himself to do it. Maybe it's the fact that he's already got so much shit going on that he doesn't want to dump on his family, or maybe it's just that he can't spend the night in this house where he and John used to play catch in the backyard, where his dad used to tuck him in every night and read him bedtime stories. Thinking about it, it's always the latter. 

Mary won't let him drive home - which is probably sensible of her considering the empty bottles lining her coffee table - so he calls a cab, but there's some wedding or something going on so the wait time is ridiculous. He doesn't know the number for the other cab company off by heart, so he tells a little white lie, says goodbye to his mom and to Sam, and starts the walk home. 

He's exhausted, physically and emotionally, and he only gets two blocks away before he starts playing with the idea of texting Cas. It worries him a little, because Charlie is usually his go-to, especially when his dad is involved, but all he can think of is Cas right now. It takes him five more minutes before he breaks down completely and ends up sitting on the sidewalk with his phone in his hands. 

He unlocks it and locks it again, over and over, flipping it between his fingers and debating whether this is the stupidest thing he's ever done. It's up there, anyway. He sends the texts before he can think better of it. 

****_**< < sorry I'm a dick** _  
_**< < my dad's dead**_  
_**< < not now but in 2008**_

The regret hits him almost instantly, because it's late and he's drunk and not only is he the worst wedding planner in the universe, but Cas doesn't need to be bothered by this shit. He'll apologize, and tomorrow he'll send him a proper text explaining why he was so weird all day. At least, that's his plan, until his phone rings and he picks it up without hesitation.

"Where are you?" Cas' voice asks.

"What do you mean?" Dean mumbles, "why does it matter where I am?"

"Because I was out when you texted me, and I drove past your house but your car's not in the driveway," he sighs heavily, and Dean can hear what sounds like frustration in his voice, "please tell me where you are."

"On the side of the road. Few blocks from my mom's house." He gives Cas the address against his better judgement, and he lies back in the wet grass of someone's front lawn. 

The next thing he knows, a car is pulling up alongside him, and for a second he's afraid it's the cops and he's going to get arrested for public intoxication or something, but then Cas is crouching over him and hauling him up to his feet. 

God, he's so beautiful, and now he's here, literally picking him up off the ground and Dean can't help but lean into him, throwing his arms around Cas' back. To his credit, Cas doesn't push him away, in fact, he pulls him closer, sighing sadly against Dean's ear. 

"You shouldn't have come today," he says gently, and Dean nods against his shoulder, but doesn't say anything. "I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything," Dean mumbles, "Dad's been dead a long time."

"Is Benny home?" Cas asks, and Dean shakes his head. "Should I take you home?" 

Dean doesn't say anything. He wants to go home, but he doesn't want to be alone, and he doesn't really want to be around Benny right now either, so he just keeps quiet and buries his face in Cas' shoulder. 

"Come on, I'll take you home."

Getting into the car is a bit of a blur, and then Dean's home and on his bed, and he vaguely recalls leaning backwards, and then he's staring up at his ceiling, and he can hear Cas going through his dresser.

"What're you doing?"

"You're still in your work clothes, and you're soaked. I'm just finding you something warm and dry to wear."

"Oh. Thanks." Cas tosses a pair of pants and a t-shirt at him, and Dean gets dressed before curling back into the corner of his bed. He shuts his eyes because suddenly, they feel like they're weighted, and the bed dips down next to him. "Could you stay?" he mumbles, "just for a bit?"

"Of course," Cas breathes, pushing the hair out of Dean's face. Dean smiles faintly, and the last thought he has before falling asleep is the warmth of Cas' hand brushing against his cheek.


	10. Chapter 10

By the time his next meeting with Cas rolls around, Dean's feeling almost 100% again; he's still single and now he's got the guilt of this... whatever it is with Cas to cope with, but he's getting by as well as he ever does. They're touring the Arterra Event Gallery today, so it should be a fairly easy day, providing Cas doesn't mention the last time they spoke. Dean likes tours because they're fun, and it makes imagining the setup a lot easier.

Dean arrives first, and talks to the venue manager while they wait for Cas. It's only a couple minutes before he shows up, sliding up next to Dean where he's leaning against the lobby counter. 

"Hey," Dean smiles, turning from the manager to face Cas. He quirks an eyebrow when he realizes Cas is alone, "no Meg?"

"Hello, Dean," he smiles, "no. Turns out she couldn't make it. Again." He's still smiling, but it's obvious that he's not exactly pleased with the turn of events. He turns and introduces himself to the manager, while Dean makes a mental checklist of what to look for as they go through. 

The venue manager takes them outside first, which Dean thinks is a little odd, and he has to backtrack to remember if he mentioned the wedding date when talking to him previously - it's not like he was at his best the day they booked these tours. The grounds are beautiful, and Dean makes a note to keep this place in mind for future spring and summer weddings. Cas seems to like it as well, but his gaze keeps drifting back toward the main building. If he wants to go back though, he makes no attempt to say so, and listens politely to everything the manager has to say to them, asking questions at every point. 

When they get to the main hall, Cas' enthusiasm rises. Dean lets him go off with the manager while he takes a quick walk around on his own. He stands at one end, mentally trying to picture the hall with nothing in it and slowly building it back up in his head. He'd have the main table at one end, under the windows, then set up round tables closest to that end, leaving space at the opposite end of the hall, near the bar. He frowns to himself, judging the space he has to work with. The seating capacity is smaller than they're looking for, and that means little to no space for a dance floor, which Meg won't be happy with. If it was a summer wedding, they'd be able to get away with it, but he doubts this is going to be the venue the Novaks choose. 

He pulls out his notebook and scribbles a diagram of his vision, before heading back to talk to Cas and the manager. 

"What do you think?" he asks.

Cas nods slowly, "I like the bar," he says and Dean grins. The bar is pretty cool. 

"It's nice and bright," Dean offers, "if it's a nice day, you'd get a lot of natural light in here."

"I definitely like the natural light," Cas agrees. 

"Can I show you the rest of the grounds?" the manager asks, and Cas nods enthusiastically, following after him. Dean just follows along behind him. He generally prefers to talk to his clients about venues after the tours - he's had one too many managers try and force their opinion in, and Dean would rather let his clients make their own decisions. 

They finish the tour just after noon, and Cas offers to buy lunch to sit and talk it over. Dean agrees, and they drive separately to a little diner a few blocks away. 

Cas is enthusiastic about the place, and Dean hopes it's just because it's the first place they've visited, because he doesn't want to break the news that he doesn't think it will be one of Meg's picks. 

"I have to ask you one thing first," he says as Cas takes a sip of his drink. His eyes flash up to meet Dean, questioning. "Do you want to have your cocktail hour somewhere else?"

Cas opens his mouth to speak, but he seems to realize what Dean's getting at, "we'd have to rearrange the entire hall between the ceremony and dinner."

"Yeah," Dean admits. 

"Fuck."

Dean holds himself back from smiling, because honesly, Cas doesn't swear much, and it's just so endearing somehow, and also a little hot if he's honest. 

"It could easily be solved if you want to have cocktail hour somewhere else, but most couples try to keep it close so you don't end up with traffic jams as everyone's trying to get in and out of parking lots at the same time."

"Yeah, that makes sense." Cas seems disappointed, and Dean hates it. 

"I just want to make sure we think of everything before the wedding. You don't want to get into laying out the venue and realize you've made a terrible mistake."

"I know, and it's only the first place we've looked at."

"Exactly, but you like the bar, and the hall itself is good, right?"

"Definitely. I love the lighting, and having the bar out of the way is great."

"Okay, so we'll keep it in mind. We still have other places to check out, so we don't want to rule anything out too quickly."

Dean pulls out his tablet and opens a new document, making a quick table titled _**Arterra**_. He makes a quick list of pros and cons with Cas' help, and adds a few notes at the bottom.

\- - - - -

The next place they tour is The W Banquet hall, in downtown Lawrence. Cas continually compares it to the first, and mentions more than once how dark it is. Dean makes a note of that, because if this is where they decide to hold the wedding, he's going to have to get a lot more lighting in here to make Cas happy.

It ends up being a flat no from Cas, despite the convenience of the location.

\- - - - -

The third option is brighter but not much better than the second, judging by Cas' reaction. They make the same list of pros and cons as with the other two, but Cas seems to be losing interest, and Dean needs to get him back on track. What he really needs is for Meg to come with them, but that doesn't seem to be an option, so he's got to work with what he has.

On Wednesday just after breakfast they tour Liberty Hall, a theatre venue that immediately catches Cas' attention. There's not much to the walk-through, but they sit on the egde of the stage to discuss the layout. They could easily hold both the ceremony and reception here if they held the ceremony on the stage, and just kept it set up with the tables for the whole event. 

The only problem comes when they speak to the manager about seating arrangements. Utilizing all dining space, the maximum capacity would be only 240 people, which is drastically under their guest list number.

They leave disappointed again, and Dean doesn't know what he's going to do if he can't find somewhere for Cas to get married. He doesn't get to sit down and chat with him about it either, because he has to make an announcement for the Jones wedding. He's thankfully working mostly with Marion now because Ally got herself put on bed rest due to stress. Secretly, Dean thinks it's because she's pregnant, and he's glad Ally's best friend is planning her bachelorette party so he doesn't have to ask that question.

\- - - - -

The fifth venue they tour is Capitol Plaza in Topeka. The seating capacity is well over what they're looking for, and Dean was up till two in the morning the night before to ensure everything was going to fit with what they're looking for. The last thing he needs is to find somewhere else that's not going to work and have to start over from the beginning.

They go through, and Cas falls in love with the place, and Dean is thrilled. They talk about it briefly, and Cas is pretty sure that this is it. Until the manager comes back and informs them that outside food isn't allowed within the hotel, and Cas visibly deflates. Dean thanks the manager for everything, and gets them both out of there because they've hit a wall, and if Dean is feeling defeated, he can't imagine how Cas is feeling right now. 

They drive to the closest pub, because what Dean needs right now is a drink. 

"I mean," he starts, hoping to be helpful, "there's still that one place we haven't seen yet. The Terrace, or whatever?"

"I looked into it, it would be the same awkward moving everything around because generally ceremonies are held on the rooftop."

"Ah," is all Dean can think of to say, because rooftop weddings are just not a thing in December.

"When you get married, when would you do it?"

That stupid ache rears its head again, and Dean's tempted to say he'll never get married, but they're both having a rough day, and Dean doesn't need to throw his shit on top of the pile, "that's not really relevant," is what he settles on, and Cas tilts his head to look at him.

"I'm just curious."

"Summer," Dean shrugs, taking another swig of his drink. It's one of those thoughts that's etched into his mind - a simple outdoor ceremony on a bright summer's day, the only thing that's missing is the other person. "Outside, nothing too fancy. Probably an arbor or something."

"Tell me what you would do." 

Cas looks so lost when he meets Dean's eyes, that he can't say no. He doesn't like talking about himself, at least not in terms of relationships, but it's not like anything with Cas has been normal so far, so what the fuck. 

"Probably some time in June or July, August is too hot. I'd uh- actually a friend of mine has a huge piece of land and I'd probably rent it for a full day, set up the ceremony outside and have the reception in the hall. Small, just family and close friends. I'd have an afternoon ceremony, so none of us have to wake up at an ungodly hour to get ready."

Cas chuckles, and Dean smiles back at him, "Dude, I would be stressed enough getting married, I don't need lack of sleep on top of that."

"That's understandable," Cas agrees. Dean starts to think about it more, about the play-by-play of his hypothetical wedding, and the more he does, the clearer the mysterious spouse-to-be becomes, and Dean has to stop himself because the shape of his mysterious fiance is a little too familiar for comfort.

\- - - - -

Dean has dinner with Sam that night, but it's hard to focus on anything when he's so preoccupied with the whole venue issue. Sam questions him, but he dodges every question, instead questioning Sam about his wedding choices under the guise of helping Cas.

When he gets home, he feels bad about his shitty meeting with Cas and his shitty dinner with Sam, so he lies awake for hours, staring at his ceiling. The idea comes to him around 3am, and it's too late to do anything about it now, but he sets a reminder in his phone and sets his alarm to wake him up in six hours. He's going to regret it in the mornng, but it'll all be worth it if he can do this one thing for Cas. 

Nine o'clock rolls around and Dean's phone blares at him. He hates himself for putting so much effort into this wedding because he feels like garbage, but he wakes up, has a freezing cold shower and downs a mug of coffee in less than half an hour. 

He sits on the couch with another mug of coffee and dials a number he hasn't used in a long time. The call connects surprisingly quickly.

"Davies here," comes the thick, familiar accent.

"Hey Mick, it's Dean. Dean Winchester."

"Dean, I haven't heard from you in ages. How're things?"

"Good, mostly, but that's actually not why I called. I um, I have a huge favour to ask."

"Sounds intimidating, what is it?"

"I have an event, in December and I was wondering if there's any chance you have no bookings at all on the 23rd." Dean can basically hear the frown he gets in return.

"December 23rd? I doubt it, Dean."

"Could you check?"

"What is this event you've got going on?"

"A wedding?" Dean winces, expecting the worst.

"A wedding. Dean, you know I do December weddings-"

"I know, Mick, I do. But I have this friend- he's really important to me and you'd be doing me a huge favor, I'd owe you."

"Who is this guy?"

"He's a client technically, but he's also my friend." 

There's a pause at the other end, and Dean can hear papers rustling. 

"I only have one booking that day. It's in the evening, and I'm not going to cancel it until I know that this wedding is a sure thing."

"I swear, it is," Dean beams, closing his eyes in relief, "is there any time I can bring him up to look at the place?"

"Can you make it today?"

"I can do whatever you need. Thank you so much Mick, I swear, anything you need, call me. I'll let you know when we can make it up. Thanks again." Dean ends the call and clenches his fists in victory. As long as Cas likes this place, he's good to go. 

He picks up the phone again, and calls Cas.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey, man, I have a surprise for you."

"What?"

"Just trust me, okay. Are you busy this afternoon?"

"No, I'm just at home."

"Can I come get you?"

"Uh, yes?"

"Excellent. I'll be right over."

Dean is feeling great. He's fixed the problem, he has a legitimate excuse to see Cas, and for the first time things seem to be going his way. He doesn't need anything besides his phone, so he sticks it in his pocket, grabs his keys from the table and heads over to the hotel to pick up Cas. 

The Peak is just outside of Lawrence, about a twenty minute drive out, and Dean had not anticipated Cas' curiosity. He keeps looking out the window and trying to figure out where they're going based on what's around them, and Dean refuses to admit that it's cute, so he chooses to be annoyed. At least he pretends to be. 

When they pull up outside the looming, modern building Cas' jaw drops and he turns to look at Dean, his eyes questioning, "what is this?"

"The biggest favour I have ever pulled. C'mon."

"Dean-"

"Just come look," Dean says, climbing out of the car. There's a layer of snow on the surrounding trees, and it looks even more beautiful than normal. "At Christmas, they have horse-drawn carriages," he says as Cas comes to stand beside him. "C'mon." 

Dean walks up the stone path, tapping his shoes on the door frame to knock away and loose snow before pushing open the glass double doors. The foyer has to have twenty foot ceilings and against the wall there are two split staircases going up to a balcony in either direction. On either side of them on the main level are two framed archways, and Dean leads the way through the first. 

The main hall is, if possible, even more impressive. The dark wood floors look like they were only installed that morning, and the pale walls are unmarred save for the windows that line the back wall. 

Cas is gaping as he steps forward into the room, and Dean leaves him alone as he goes to find Mick. He crosses to his office, off to one side of the foyer, and knocks on the door. It opens, and a well-dressed man with thick stubble steps out to greet him.

"Dean," he smiles, "it's good to see you again."

"And you, Mick. I can't thank you enough for agreeing to let us come see the place."

"Of course. So where's this client of yours?"

"I left him gaping in the main hall."

Mick laughs, "well we'd better go retrieve him then."

Cas is still looking around when they find him, and he turns to Dean with a look of disbelief on his face, "how did you find this place?"

"Well technically, I didn't. Mick doesn't do weddings in December because there's already so much going on with Christmas parties and such but, like I said. I pulled a favour. Speaking of, Castiel Novak, this is Mick Davies. Mick, my client Cas."

"You have a stunning place here," Cas says, turning to face Mick, "and it seems like I owe you."

"No, no. Dean's got that one covered," he smiles, "well, shall I give you the full tour?"

"Please," Cas says, already turning to follow after Mick. 

Mick takes them back out to the foyer, pointing out the restrooms on the one side and the coat check opposite, next to his office. He takes them up the stairs and onto the balcony that looks over the main hall. 

"It's huge," Cas comments, "what's your capacity, 400?"

"Five," Mick confirms, plus the stage," he adds, gesturing to the far right of the hall, "it can seat up to thirty. Perfect for the wedding party." Dean nods in agreement, and Cas looks at him like he's the greatest thing that's ever happened to him.

"Plus," Mick continues, "we have a separate hall for performing ceremonies so there's no muddling around trying to get everyone out of the way to tear down and set up again."

"What about the kitchen," Cas asks, "do you cater?"

"We do, but we also accept outside catering, so long as everything is up to code."

"Of course," Cas agrees, and he looks like he's going to cry. 

"We could set up the bar just below us," Dean offers, "next to the doorway, and then the kitchen's clear and no one's getting in the way, and like Mick said, we can set the wedding party up on the stage, and have everyone at this end-"

"And then the other's free to have a sound system set up," Cas finishes.

"Exactly."

"Dean, this is amazing."

"I thought you'd like it."

"I love it."

"Why don't you take a look around, I'm going to borrow Mick for a minute and see if we can figure something out." Dean hold an arm out, and Mick follows his direction down the stairs and back to his office. Dean enters behind him and shuts the door.

"So what do you think, can we do it?" he asks.

"First off, I have to ask. This is _his_ wedding, right?"

Dean takes a second to try and figure out what that means before uttering a graceful, "uh?"

"Not _yours_."

"Oh. _Oh_. No, no. Cas is my client, his fiancee is working in Boston so she's not around for a lot of the planning, so Cas and I are doing it alone."

"Alright, I meant no offense. I only ask because the way he talks to you, the way he looks at you is just... different."

"Cas is just different, man. He's like no one I've ever met. But what about the 23rd?" Dean presses, eager to avoid this topic of conversation, "Do you think you can cancel?"

"Yeah, I'll have to do some rearranging to see if we can reschedule or if I can find them somewhere else, but I'll call tonight."

"Mick, you're a damn life saver. You have no idea how much this means to me."

"Maybe not, but I can see how much it means to him, and I'm not about to turn down a friend in need."

"Thank you, though. I'll give you a call as soon as I know the exact schedule and guest list and everything." He thanks Mick again before heading back out to the foyer. 

Cas immediately crashes into him, throwing his arms around Dean's neck, "thank you," he whispers into his neck. Dean's eyes close instinctively as goosebumps rise over his skin. He winds his arms around Cas' waist and neither of them move for what is definitely way too long. 

When Cas pulls back, he looks like he's about to cry, and Dean wants so badly to kiss him, and make sure he stays this happy for the rest of his life. They make the walk back to the car in silence and Dean turns down the radio as it blares to life with the car. He doesn't even know what to say, because he doesn't want to ruin this moment; for the first time since they met, Cas is so happy, and Dean doesn't want to ruin that. 

Dean's elated as they drive away from The Peak; he's finally found a venue that works, and Cas is thrilled about it, which makes him feel all the better. It shouldn't make him so fucking happy just to see Cas smile, but it wouldn't be the first time Dean's gotten excited about the small things. 

They're only about five minutes down the road, not even close to the main road, when Cas starts fidgeting and suddenly tells Dean to pull over. Dean glances over to him, but Cas is staring out the window.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Just pull over, right here. Please."

Dean does as he's asked, pulling onto the shoulder, and turning to face Cas, "is everything okay?"

"Why did you do that?" Cas asks, clealry not listening.

"Do what?" 

"You told me yourself, Mick doesn't do winter weddings, yet he just cancelled a preivious booking to get us in."

"That's just my job," Dean shrugs, and though it's a load of bullshit, he's not going to admit for pulling favours because of some weird, inappropriate feelings for Cas. 

"It's not your job to go out of your way for me," Cas quirks an eyebrow at him. 

"What can I say, I'm invested."

" _Dean_."

"You're not like my other clients, okay? You're not like anyone I've ever met, and I knew you would appreciate this place."

"It's not just that though," Cas says a little more softly, "this is the place you told me about, isn't it? The piece of land your friend owns? This is where _you_ want to get married."

That catches Dean off guard, because first of all, he was not expecting to get called out on this when he was trying to do something nice, but he also wasn't expecting Cas to even remember that. 

"Yeah, well," he shrugs, wishing he had something to do with his hands, "that's never gonna happen, so-"

"Look at me," Cas sighs, and he sounds legitimately frustrated, which makes Dean a little nervous, and a more than a little aroused. "Why do you say things like that?"

"Because it's true, Cas. Look at me-"

"I see you all the time, Dean, and what I see is a wonderful, caring man who will do anything to help his friends, and doesn't think enough of himself." Dean tries to argue, but Cas interrupts, "this is too much, you shouldn't have done this for me." And there it is: _me_. Cas knows this isn't about them, about the Novaks; it's about him, and Dean's stupid feelings. 

"Cas-" Dean starts, but he has no idea where to go from there. He's in a good mood, and Cas is doing that stupid thing Cas does, and Dean just wants to kiss him. He shifts to face Cas, pulling his knee up onto the seat and resting his head against his hand, arms propped up on the back of the seat. 

"What're you gonna do? I've already done it."

Cas returns the cocky smirk that Dean gives him, shuffling forward along the seat. His knees bump against Dean's, and he tips forward slowly. Dean can count the seconds against his heartbeat before Cas' lips press against his, and he's being crowded against the door of his car. Cas' breath is hot against his cheek, and Dean shuts his eyes, letting himself be overwhelmed by the scent of Cas' cologne, and the heat of Cas' hands pushing up under his shirt. 

Cas' body covers his, their legs intertwining, and Dean takes the opportunity to run his hands over Cas' back. He touches every inch of him, slipping his hands under whatever clothing will give way to him; pressing his fingers into Cas' skin and revelling in the way Cas arches into his touch each time, making soft sounds against Dean's lips. 

Cas' palm presses hot against the side of Dean's neck, his fingers tracing a line down the side and continuing down his chest. They catch on each of the button's on Dean's shirt, and Dean wishes the damn buttons would just fall right off. Before he can think too much of it, Cas pulls back, and Dean's eyes flash open, expecting to find him straightening himself up, but instead, Cas is wriggling out of his jacket. It gets dropped to the floor, and Cas turns his attention to getting Dean out of his, which is a little more difficult considering Dean's still pressed against the car door and his jacket goes down past his ass, but it soon joins Cas' on the floor, and Cas leans into him again with a considerably more smug expression on his face. 

Dean spreads his knees, and Cas presses closer, bracing himself on Dean's thigh. His left hand slides up to Dean's collar, fumbling with the button and moving slowly downward. Dean can't keep his hands to himself, and Cas struggles against him, losing his balance and bumping into the horn. The sound shocks them both into stillness, and then Dean chuckles, a low rumbling sound that turns into something near hysterical when Cas turns to look at him again. 

"So much for subtlty," Cas laughs, sitting back on his heels and tugging Dean with him. He finishes unbuttoning Dean's shirt and slips his hand around his hip, "maybe we should move to the back seat. Less potential for disaster."

"Yeah," Dean agrees, using Cas to pull himself up. He kisses him firmly, sliding his hands over Cas' shoulders and pressing up against him. Cas allows him the distraction, sliding his hand around the back of Dean's thigh and pulling it up over his hip. He wants this as much as Dean does, which doesn't make a lot of sense, but Dean's not exactly in a place to question it, or at least, he doesn't want to. He moves to kiss Cas' neck, but he finds himself held back, pushed away. He's worried for a second that he's done something wrong, and Cas is looking at him oddly, but he doesn't look upset. On the contrary, he looks pleased.

"You're amazing, Dean," he breathes, and a little thrill runs through him at the words. Dean Winchester is a lot of things, but amazing is not one of them, and he's at a loss as to how someone like Cas could even think that. Not that he would object to hearing more. 

"I'm not, really," he says, shaking his head and dropping his gaze to their legs. 

"You are," Cas insists, and Dean makes a face at him. 

"I'm really not."

Cas chuckles lightly, running his fingers along Dean's jaw, "you don't get to tell me how I feel about you. I don't know what you're doing to me," he breathes, "I've never wanted someone the way I want you. You're so beautiful," he bends to kiss the corner of Dean's neck and shoulder, "so good," he trails off, and Dean's burning up from the inside, each word etched into his skin in firy letters. Who knew _words_ would be the thing the bring him to his knees. 

He kisses him again, and Cas' hand slips down between them, grazing Dean's erection through his pants. He shudders at the touch, breaking their kiss and tipping his head forward to catch his breath. Cas touches him again, pressing more firmly against his cock, and Dean's head falls to his shoulder, nose pressing into his neck. 

"Back seat." Cas huffs, pushing Dean upright again, "now."

"Yes sir," Dean quips, and Cas' eyes burn into him, the subtle shift of his body weight telling. _So, that's a thing._

There's an awkward shuffle as they pull apart, and Dean turns to let himself out of the car. It's fucking cold outside, made even more obvious by the fact that Dean's shirt is open and his jacket is on the floor of the car. Cas follows him out, taking a second to adjust himself before pressing Dean back against the car, which is even colder against his back than the air. 

Cas pins him there, rolling his hips and sliding his clothed erection against Dean's briefly before pulling open the back door and ushering Dean in. He walks him around the door and Dean ducks, letting Cas push him down onto the seat. He shuffles back to make space and Cas crawls over him, barely taking time to close the door behind them before unbuckling Dean's belt and freeing his cock from the confines of his pants. 

Dean gasps at the rush of cold air on his heated flesh, and reaches down to touch himself, but gets his hand pulled away and pressed firmly into his chest. He groans at the display, and Cas pulls back, letting his arm go and sitting back on his heels. 

"Sorry," he whispers, "let me." Cas curls his fingers around the base of Dean's cock, and Dean barely manages something of a squeak, jutting his hips forward and propping himself up to watch. The pressure is amazing, and Dean can't help the way his hips jump up seeking the heat of Cas' hand, but there's a tenseness in the air all of a sudden. 

"Stop," he says, shifting backwards. Cas' face falls, and he shrugs his shoulders.

"I'm sorry-"

"No, I mean- I don't mind. Y'know," Dean stammers, and Cas' expression morphs into something more like confusion. 

"What?"

"I don't mind," Dean repeats, hoping Cas will understand what he means and he won't have to spell it out for him. 

"Oh," Cas breathes, and it's like a light goes on. His lips quirk up at the corner and he leans over him, "you mean when I'm rough?" he asks, and that alone is enough to make Dean's cock twitch against his stomach. 

"Yeah," Dean mutters, looking away. 

"Oh," Cas says, like this is some sort of huge revelation for him. He curls his fingers around Dean's wrist, lifting his arm above his head and pinning it against the door, watching Dean's face for a reaction, and judging by the look on his face, Dean delivers. 

"I like it," he reiterates, "when you push me around, when you hold me down." He can feel his face burning, but it's nothing compared to the flqaming heat that rises to his cheeks when Cas adds, "and when I tell you you're amazing?" 

He bites his lip and leans low over Dean, "you like that too, don't you?" he asks, running his hand down Dean's chest until his fingers just barely brush the head of his cock. 

" _Cas_ ," he whines, but Cas isn't interested in whether or not Dean is horrifically embarrassed right now, he's set on turning him into a whimpering, shivering mess.

"You're so fucking perfect, Dean. You deserve so much more," he hums against Dean's skin, and Dean wants to argue with him. He wants to tell Cas that you don't just say those things to people, but then Cas is moving down his body, and wet heat engulfs his cock, right down to the base, and Dean's attention is diverted. 

He cries out as Cas sucks on him, and he tries to push deeper, fucking into Cas' mouth, but he's held down by a firm hand on his hip, and somehow that's even fucking hotter. He tries to keep still, letting Cas' lips map out every inch of his cock; his hips twitch with every press of lips, every flick of Cas' tongue, but he can do this for Cas. He focuses on that; what Cas wants, because he wants to make him happy, and he wants Cas to tell him how good he is. He's rewarded with a quick flick of Cas' tongue before he lifts off and crawls back over him. 

"That's right," Cas breathes, "you're so good for me, Dean." He reaches down between them, unbuttoning his own pants, and Dean's quick to take the opportunity, slipping his hand into Cas' pants and curling his fingers around his thick cock. His big; bigger than Dean had anticipated after their last encounter, and he groans at the thought of Cas stretching him open, fucking into him until he's boneless and shaking. 

"So eager," Cas mumbles, and he sounds like he's rambling, but he's too composed for that, "touch me," he whispers against Dean's lips, "I want to feel your hands on me." Dean obliges, dragging his hand up the length of Cas' cock and twisting at the head. He can feel Cas' legs shake against his own, and it fosters a sort of pride in him that he's the one doing this to Cas. Cas, who can tear him apart and build him back up again with a single look, and Dean's making him shake with only a hand on his cock. 

Cas' cock slips between his fingers, his hips pumping hard as he nips at Dean's lips and neck. It's obvious that his carefully cultivated control is slipping, and Dean wants to watch him fall apart. He wraps both hands around Cas' cock, moving in long, slow strokes, regardless of his own need. Cas' eyes drop shut, and he pants against Dean's cheek, pressing his forehear agaisnt Dean's temple.

"Do you have condoms?" he asks, and Dean's strokes falter as his breath catches in his chest. 

"Yeah," he huffs, releasing Cas' cock and pushing himself up on his elbows, "yeah, I do. Do you want to-" he leaves the question open-ended, but Cas is following. 

"So badly."

"Yeah, okay-" Dean flounders, "they're uh- in the glove box."

"Okay," Cas breathes, pulling away, "wait right here."

Dean leans back, watching Cas tuck himself back into his pants before backing out of the car, and he can't help but wonder what Cas sees in him. He's pretty ordinary; he's tall, yeah, but plain, and covered in stupid fucking freckles, where as Cas... Cas is fucking beautiful. Dean's eyes flick up as the door opens and Cas climbs back in, watching the way his shirt pulls over the planes of his chest, and Cas smirks down at him, crawling all the way up over him.

"You are _very_ prepared," he rumbles, pressing down Dean's stomach to wrap his hand around his cock. "Where have you been my whole life?" he mutters, and Dean's not sure if it's meant for him to hear or not, but he doesn't get the chance to think too much about it because Cas is moving down now, taking his cock into his mouth. Dean arches up, clutching as Cas' shoulders and groaning as Cas' tongue slides up the underside of his cock.

Dean rolls his head against the seat and he can vaguely hear Cas muttering against his skin, nipping at the rise of his hipbones and smoothing over the skin with his tongue. He hears the click of a bottle opening and he shifts down, hooking his legs over Cas' hips. Cas chuckles, shifting his hips to push his pants down, and leans over Dean, dragging his cock over his hip as he kisses him. 

Cas' finger presses against him, slick and cold, and Dean shudders against him, desperate to be filled. He pulls Cas' head down, biting his bottom lip, and thrusting his tongue into his mouth; he's hot all over, sticking to the seat where his shirt is pulled up, and he fucking needs this. 

He pushes back, trying to force Cas' hand, but Cas is quick to remind him who's in charge, and he ends up pressed against the seat as Cas fucks him frustratingly slowly. His chest heaves, and he gasps and moans into the air, grabbing at the leather beneath him and the back of the front seat before settling on Cas' arm, squeezing his fingers around his forearm. 

Dean's cock is dripping against his stomach, and he's babbling desperately, forcing his hips against the seat despite the urgency ringing through him. Cas pushes a second finger into him, and Dean breathes out a loud _oh fuck_ , spreading his thighs as wide as he can in the cramped space. 

"Cas," Dean pleads, " _come on_. Fuck, I want you-"

"Tell me," Cas growls, dragging his teeth along Dean's jaw, "tell me how bad you want it."

"So bad," Dean whines, "I want your fucking cock, want you to fill me up, make me come on your cock-" he's rambling, so lost in his own extasy that he doesn't realize what Cas is doing until the blunt head of his cock presses into him. 

"You're so fucking sexy," Cas pants, rolling his hips froward slowly until he's pressed flush against Dean, his cock buried deep inside him. Cas feels huge inside him, and Dean circles his hips, pressing his hands against the door to push himself back onto Cas. It feels good, feels fucking amazing, but he needs Cas to move; he's already so wound up that he'll be surprised if he lasts more than five minutes and he doesn't want to come before Cas fucks him. 

Cas doesn't leave him hanging for long, and Dean suspecrs that it's his own impatience that drives him forward. He slides one hand up the length of Dean's arm, pressing Dean's palm against the door as he jerks his hips forward, fucking him hard and fast. His free hand slips around Dean's cock, fingers slipping through sweat and pre-come as he pulls him quickly, working his hand in short flicks of his wrist. 

Dean's barely hanging on, his mind blank with pleasure, and the coil of heat in his gut is threatening to overtake him. 

"Cas," he pants, "hey baby, much more of that and I'm not gonna-" he cuts himself off with a moan as Cas hits his prostate, biting his bottom lip, "oh, okay, that works too."

"It's okay," Cas breathes, brushing Dean's lips with his own, "me neither. C'mere." 

It's difficult to move in the small space, but Cas sits up, pulling Dean with him, and leans back against the door. Dean shifts so he's on his knees over Cas' lap, jerking his hips forward to match Cas' thrusts; he grinds down hard, taking Cas as deep as he can, and Cas strokes him quickly. 

He manages to hold out for a little longer before his resolve breaks and he comes with a cry, shooting all over Cas' shirt. He's still shaking as Cas grabs his hips, fucking into him desperately. Dean bends over him, biting Cas' lips and burying his face in his neck. He's kissing a line down his neck when Cas' grip on his hips tightens and he pulls Dean's ass down, grinding up into him as he comes. 

Dean can't bring himself to stop, kissing down Cas' collarbone as far as he can reach, until Cas tips his head up and presses their lips together. He sits back, and takes in Cas in front of him, ruffled and wrinkled and soaked. 

"Sorry," he huffs, pulling his sleeves over his and and reachin out to rub the front of Cas' shirt, "guess I need to work on my aim." Cas just chuckles, brushing his thumb over Dean's lip before picking Dean's pants up off the floor and passing them to him. 

"We should get dressed."

"Promise me something?" Dean asks.

"Anything." And okay, that does something to Dean that it has no right doing.

"We do this again, we do it somewhere with more space."

Cas laughs as he struggles with his own pants, "definitely."


	11. Chapter 11

When Dean pulls into the hotel parking lot, there's still something nagging at him, so before he lets Cas out, he cuts the engine and turns to look at him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"This uh- this thing. No, sorry." Dean runs a hand through his hair and exhales, "I don't know how to say this without seeming like a complete and total asshole."

"It's fine, Dean."

"When we met, Meg said you fired your last planner because she was hitting on you, and I just- I want to make sure that- _fuck_ ," he mutters, "I guess what I'm trying to ask is did you initiate that too?"

Cas looks all at once relieved and distressed, but he smiles softly and shakes his head, "no, Dean. She was continually calling me at home. I realize how it seems, but I wasn't involved with her at all. If you're worried about your job-"

"No," Dean interrupts, "no, it's not that."

"Then there's nothing to worry about. I'm not doing this for any reason other than I like being with you."

"Oh," Dean falters, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"Dean," Cas smiles softly, "don't do this to yourself. What you did for me today was more than I ever could have hoped for. Both professionally and personally, I picked you because I like you, and because we work well together. Don't think that I could replace you."

Dean nods, more in trying to understand than actually in agreement, and Cas climbs out of the passenger seat, "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah," Dean agrees, "I don't know where you want to meet, but we need to start talking about vendors."

"I'll think about it, and I'll call you in the morning. See you tomorrow."

"Seeya." Dean waits until Cas is completely out of view before crossing his arms over the steering wheel and trying to make some sense of what just happened. Cas said his picked him. On purpose. But Cas is also getting married. 

He rests his head on his arms and tries to rid himself of that little nagging voice in the back of his head that's started telling him he's getting too involved. He's not sure when it started siding with Benny, but it would be great if it would stop, because it is starting to ruin every good thing that happens to him. He resolves to not let it ruin this, because this day has been amazing, and Cas just told him that he chose him on purpose, that he wasn't just _convenient_. 

Dean sits back up and curls his fingers around the wheel. Fuck Benny's voice in his head; he's a grown up, and he can make his own decisions. Sure, recently he's been making the worst possible decisions, but still.

\- - - - -

When Dean arrives at the cafe the next afternoon, Cas is already waiting for him with drinks and sandwiches. Dean can't help but grin at him through the window, and when Cas beams back at him, it makes these ridiculous half hour meetings they keep having worth it.

Dean sits down across from him and eyes the plate and mug in front of him, "I thought you were running late?"

"I figure you will stop letting me buy you meals at some point, so I took preemtive measures. I lied."

"I don't- I don't even know what to say to that. Thank you?"

Cas chuckles, "you're welcome, Dean. What are we looking at today?"

"Vendors," Dean starts, "uh, it depends what you want, but we need food, photography, Mick has the alchohol covered. Flowers, transport. I have a list, but I think the main one we need to worry about right now is food, because you're going to want to taste it before the wedding so you don't end up with a terrible chef."

"Doesn't your roommate do catering?"

Dean's entire body goes into full on panic mode immediately, because _no_. He wants to lie, but he can't remember if he talked to Cas about Benny before or not. The last thing in the world that he wants is to have those two in the same room together, especially not with him. 

"He is," Dean says cautiously, hoping he doesn't look sound too much like a startled deer. 

"You sound hesitant."

"No, it's not that. Benny's an excellent chef, he just thinks I'm getting too close to you, so I don't know how he would respond to me suggesting he cater your wedding."

"And what if I asked him?"

 _Damn_. He was so close. "I'm sure he'd be much more open to you asking than me."

"And what about you?" Cas asks, and isn't that just like him.

"I'm fine. I want you to have the best for your wedding, and in my opinion, Benny is the best." Cas knows he's lying, he can tell by the set of his mouth, but he plays along, and for that Dean is thankful. He really does want Cas to have the best, even at his own personal discomfort.

"Thank you. I'll get in touch with him later today."

"Good, the sooner we book vendors, the better. How are you feeling about a photographer and/or videographer?"

"I think we want both? I know Meg had mentioned hiring a videographer, so I'll double check with her, but for now let's say we want both. Do you know anyone?"

"I know lots of vendors, man. Lots of caterers, lots of photographers."

"Any suggestions?"

"I know a pair who work together - you remember the bartender at karaoke? Her and her best friend. They do fantastic work."

"Are all your friends in the wedding business?"

Dean huffs a laugh, then stops to think, "uh, yeah. Except Charlie and Gilda, I think they are. I can call Jo tonight if you're interested." He adds, chaning the subject. 

"Thank you."

They talk a little more about different vendors, and Dean realizes the one contact he doesn't really have is a musician. He knows a lot of bands and a lot of DJs, but none that he's particularly close to, and none that he would suggest off the top of his head for Cas. He gets Cas to work with Meg to make a decide on a band or a DJ, and then make a playlist of 50 or so songs so he can try and find someone to suit them. 

Meg and her bridesmaids are going to do their own hair and makeup, so he doesn't have to worry about that, and for now they don't need to worry about staff for the ceremony and reception. In fact, he can probably talk to Mick and see if his staff are available. 

Transport, he can't do anything about until Cas and Meg finalize the guest list, and he knows who exactly needs transport. He could look into booking a limo for the wedding party though, but that's another thing that can wait for now. 

Dean makes a few final notes in his book and folds it shut again, "so as far as everything else goes, I need your final guest list, and a list of who needs transport to and from the wedding; I'm going to talk to Mick and see if he is going to staff the ceremony and reception, if not Benny probably has people who can, and other than that, it's just the florist, which isn't important right this minute. All I need from you there is what type of flowers you want and where you want them. Keep centerpieces in mind as well, because if you want floral arrangements, we'll have to order them as well."

"I think we can manage that," Cas agrees, "can you email me a list of what we need, and I can send it off to Meg?"

"I can send a copy to both of you, and I'll put it in order or priority."

"Excellent, thank you."

"No problem, Cas. I'll give Jo and Ash a call tonight and see if they're available, and if we can meet with them sometime soon."

"I look forward to hearing from you," Cas smiles. They both rise, and head out together, then Dean watches Cas drive away and slips into his own car. 

He gets home to Benny sitting on the couch, looking at him with an expression somewhere between questioning and irriated, "I got an interesting phone call today, Dean."

_Shit, that was fast._

"Oh yeah?"

"Seems your Castiel is looking for a caterer for his wedding."

"Yeah, we were discussing vendors today. He mentioned you. I thought it would be better, considering the situation, if he spoke directly to you."

"You mean, you thought I'd say no to you."

"Yep, that," Dean flops down the arm chair, looking over at him. They're both silent for a moment, before Benny speaks up again.

"I told him I'd do it."

"Yeah?" Dean asks hopefully.

"Yeah. I'm not gonna hold any weird relationships you have with your clients against _them_ ," he chuckles, "just you."

"Thanks," Dean deadpans.

"Anytime, brother. I also told him we'd arrange a date to meet. We're booked until Tuesday for a conference, and Wednesday is Valentines day, so it'll be hectic, but I can do Thursday if that works for you?"

"Done. Thursday it is. Thanks, Benny."

"Yeah, whatever," Benny replies, his lips quirking up in a half smile. 

Dean pulls his phone out and heads into his room, flopping down on the bed and dialling Jo's number.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jo, how's it going?"

"It's good. And you? How's your karaoke buddy?"

"I told you, engaged."

"Mmhm. Anyway, what's up?"

"Not a lot. What're you up to December 23rd?"

"Uh? I dunno? Maybe going to see Mom and Bobby?"

"I mean, sure, but why go see your family when you could work."

"You've got a Christmas wedding?" she guesses.

"Yeah," Dean replies, "my uh, 'karaoke buddy.'"

"Ahhh," Jo says, "it all comes together. No, I'm not doing anything."

"And Ash?"

"Really? Like Ash is ever doing anything. He's building some new supercomputer thing in his bedroom, but other than that. I'll have to talk to him about it, but I'd say yeah."

"Cool, are you two free to meet tomorrow?"

"Yeah, definitely, we can meet you at the gallery. Say, tenish?"

"Perfect, thanks Jo. I'll see you tomorrow then." He ends the call and shoots off a quick text to Cas, telling him about the appointments, and leans back on his pillows.

\- - - - -

Dean picks Cas up the next morning, and they grab coffee on the way to meet with Jo and Ash. It's early, and Dean's still more than half asleep, but Cas is wide-eyed and enthusiastic beside him, so he can pretend. They arrive at the studio just after ten, and Jo is peeking out the window, watching for them. She waves, and disappears from sight, reappearing at the door a few seconds later.

"Hey," she calls.

"Hey," Dean echoes, stepping out into the gravel driveway, "you're cheerful this morning."

"I was up until three at the bar, so I didn't have time to get anything prepared, so I woke up at six and have been basically prepping since then. I've had six cups of coffee and I'm not 100% sure where Ash is. It's good."

Dean huffs a laugh, "Cas, this is my friend Jo, I think I told you about her the other night."

"You were working karaoke," Cas confirms.

"Yep, good to meet you. Dean says you're getting married."

"I am."

"Hence the visit," Dean adds. 

Jo mouths _too bad_ behind Cas' back, and it takes everything in Dean not to make some smartass comment back at her. She doesn't need to know that being hired by the Novaks was actually the best thing to ever happen to him, that little bit of knowledge is staying tucked away with him for the time being. 

"Alright, come with me," Jo turns back toward the small building, and Dean follows behind, letting Cas go first. 

The room they walk into is white; white walls, white ceiling, white concrete floor. There's various pieces of equipment scattered all over, and Dean's afraid to touch any of it, lest he break it and have to spend the next three years paying Jo back for it. He keeps out of the way as Jo leads them into a separate room with two large tables on either side. 

"So are you looking for photography and videography for the wedding?" she asks.

"Yes, I think so. Yes." Cas doesn't seem entirely sure of his answer, and Dean can only assume he didn't get in contact with Meg about it beforehand. 

"Cool, so Ash does as the video work, he'll be around shortly, but I can go over my stuff with you for the time being."

"That sounds great."

"Perfect, so..."

Dean starts to tune out at Jo launches into her photography spiel. He's heard it so many times he could quote it, and it's not as though it's the most interesting thing to listen to. He flips through some of the albums she has lying around, reflecting on the years they've had together. 

Ellen Harvelle and Mary Winchester were best friends growing up, so naturally, when their children were born, they were kind of pushed in each others' direction. They were best friends in elementary and middle school, and some of the photos go back to Dean's sixteenth birthday, the year he and Jo almost dated. These albums, Dean assumes, are more of a private collection.

He meanders through the studio, stopping ocassionally to watch Jo and Cas pouring over various prints, and he can't help but wonder what it would be like if he and Jo had ended up together. If history is anything to go by, they probably wouldn't have stayed together long, definitely not forever; they were, and still are, just better friends than anything else. There's a little part of Dean that will always belong to Jo, but looking at them now, he finds that little part is smaller than he recalls, and that he finds himself looking more and more often in Cas' direction.

Keeping an eye on him, Dean assures himself. He is, after all, Cas' wedding planner, and he's in charge of making sure these meetings go well. 

He tunes in again properly when Ash appears, and they all huddle around a computer that looks like it's been through a car wreck. The thing has no back, and only one side panel, and Dean can't even figure out where the hard drive is, but it runs like nothing else he's ever seen. Trust Ash to have a trashy looking machine that works better than any of Jo's. 

He's scrolling through documents, when one catches Dean's eye and he hopes no one else sees it, but luck is clearly not on his side.

"Remember this!" Jo smirks, pulling the mouse from Ash's hand to open the file.

"No, Jo, we really don't-" the video pops up in a new window and starts playing automatically. Dean sighs in defeat and leans against the wall, facing away from the video. With any luck he'll spontaneously combust.

He remembers the day it was taken perfectly; he and Jo had borrowed Bobby's boat and taken it out for the day. Sam was with them, so was Lisa. They'd been floating in place for a while, when Dean had pulled out his guitar and- well, there it is.

" _Someone's always comin' around here, trailing some new kill..._ "

"Dean, you sing?" Cas asks, and yep, this is what he was hoping to avoid. Yes, techinically he sings. In the shower, when he's driving home from work, when he's alone on a boat with his friends. Not in public, not where people can hear him - karaoke notwithstanding.

"Yeah, he's fucking great," Jo grins, "he used to play with a friend of ours a lot, before he moved out of town. Before that, he had a band-"

"Okay, sharing time is over now!" Dean interrupts. Cas has a funny expression on his face when he looks over at Dean.

"I think I'm pretty much done anyway," he says, "Jo, do you have any sample photographs I can take to show my fiancee?"

"Yeah, definitely. Ash and I have a joint website, and I'll give you our cards in case you need to call for any reason." She trails off, tugging Ash with her, and Cas follows along, talking happily. 

Dean says goodbye to them in the parking lot, and wishes Jo luck with the rest of her day - inevitable caffeine crash included. They barely make it down the road before Cas asks the looming question.

"Why didn't you tell me you sing?"

"I haven't really told you much about me at all," Dean defends.

"That's true, but karaoke- I thought you might have mentioned something."

"It wasn't a good time for me, exactly. I had a band and we were good, but then my dad died, and Lisa-"

"Dean, I'm sorry."

"Not your fault, man. It's fine, it was just-" 

"You don't have to explain, Dean, I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent."

"Yeah, it was rough - still is, sometimes. Sorry, this isn't your shit to deal with, I just don't talk about it, so people bring it up a lot-" he can feel the swell of emotion rise up in his chest, and he doesn't know what to do with it, so he just keeps spouting words at Cas, hoping the feeling will go away. "-and I don't really know how to deal with it- " Dean stops when he realizes he's rambling, and he's never said this shit out loud to anyone, not even Sam. Living with his dad's death is one of the hardest things he's ever done, and he just keeps having to do it. 

"Fuck, Cas I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dump this on you-"

"Dean," Cas says softly, resting a hand on his knee, "honestly, I don't mind. It's good for you to talk about it." _Yeah, okay, sure, but why is it that the only person I feel comfortable enough talking to about it is not only my client, but is also the worst possible person for me to talk to about this._

"Do you want to come over? Honestly, I'm ready to be done with this day anyway," he sighs, and Dean knows there's something he's not saying, and it just makes him feel worse for dropping all of this right now.

"We should really just get this done, Cas."

"If I tell you that Meg and I got in a huge fight this morning and I don't want to have anything to do with weddings today, will that change your mind?"

And shit, doesn't that just make Dean feel fantastic, "shit, I'm sorry. I didn't- _fuck_."

He doesn't remember pulling the car over, but when Dean looks up, they're stopped at the side of the road and his hands are shaking. Cas is leaning into his space, trying to get his attention, but Dean's only half-there.

Cas runs a hand down his arm, rubbing his thumb over his bicep, "are you okay?"

Dean just shakes his head and drops it against the steering wheel. _Awesome_ , he's having a panic attack. He's having a full blown fucking panic attack and he can't breathe and Cas is the only one there with him and Cas has never had to deal with this shit and-

" _Dean_."

He lifts his head and looks blearily over to Cas, but he's not in the passenger seat, at which point, it strikes him that Cas is no longer in the car. A firm palm presses against his right cheek, turning him the other way, and _oh_. Cas is crouched down with the driver's door open, one hand on his cheek and the other on his knee.

"Hey," he whispers, "you're okay."

"No," is all Dean can manage, because this is the worst possible thing that could happen to him. He's supposed to be a professional, and already he's been fucking that up left, right and center, and now he can't even keep his own body under control, why is he so goddamn useless.

Cas' hand slips down from his cheek to his neck, and his thumb brushes against the stuble on Dean's chin. It feels good, and it helps to pull him back to reality. 

Cas is there. Cas is staying. Cas has been through so much of Dean's shit in such a short time and he's still there. He realizes that this is just another problem waiting to jump out and bite him in the ass, but for now he'll take it. 

"Okay," he manages.

"Can you breathe?" he asks, and Dean nods. "Good," Cas smiles.

It still takes him a few minutes before he's ready to get up, but Cas is patient, helping him up when he's ready. Dean leans agains the car with his eyes shut and takes a few deep breaths. 

"I'm so sorry, Cas. I'm a fucking mess."

"Don't say that," Cas chides softly, "if you want to talk about it, you know I'm here." Dean nods without realizing what he's doing, and before he can correct himself, Cas continues, "then why don't we get you something more comfortable to wear, and head back to the hotel. I have HBO and room service."

Dean huffs a half-hearted laugh, "you don't have to babysit me."

"Dean, you told Jo and Mick we were friends. Friends help you when you're dealing with shit. Let me help you."

"Yeah," Dean nods slowly, "yeah okay, just don't tell Benny."


	12. Chapter 12

Cas drives the rest of the way back to his hotel and Dean feels twice as useless. He doesn't want to run the risk of facing Benny, so they skips grabbing him clothes, as much as Cas protests it. 

Dean hasn't been in a hotel in years, having stayed put pretty much all of his life. Cas leads him through the lobby and up to the top floor, and Dean collapses on the sofa as soon as they get into the room. He's mentally exhausted, and all he wants is to curl up with Cas and pass out, but he's pretty sure that's not on the table, despite everything else. 

Cas appears in front of him a minute later with a pair of seatpants and a grey t-shirt. Dean takes them without question, though his stomach flops weirdly at the thought of wearing Cas' clothes. He gets changed in the bathroom, folding his own clothes neatly and setting them down on the coffee table as he passes.

"You look good," Cas smiles, and Dean looks down at the floor. "Come sit down," 

Dean sits on the end of the bed, wondering if he should have agreed to this. It seemed like a good idea at the time because Cas was there, grounding him and telling him that everything was going to be okay, but now he's thinking clearly. 

"Maybe this was a bad idea."

"Dean, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, I just didn't want to leave you alone when you're feeling so miserable."

"I know, it just feels weird." _It feels like you're having an affair_ , his brain supplies, and Dean pretends not to acknowledge it, but that's exactly what it is. Apparently fucking Cas in his car just isn't real enough for him. 

Cas comes around to sit beside him, flexing his hand like he's not sure what he wants to do with it, "I'm just your friend now, Dean. Our meeting is over, we're done with that for the day. Just let me take care of you."

Dean struggles with himself for a few moments, before his entire body goes limp and he flops back against the mattress.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cas asks.

_Nope_. "Yeah." Okay, so his mouth is working without his permission now, that's gonna be fun. 

"Okay, start at the beginning. What was your dad like?" Cas lies down next to him, propped up on one elbow so he can see Dean.

"I uh- I don't really know? No one's ever really asked me about him." He pauses, considering, "I mean, when I was a kid I followed him around like some kind of lost puppy, but as I got older I guess we just kind of drifted apart. I always kind of had the impression he didn't like that I was into guys. He never actually came out and said it, but I got that feeling, you know?

"He wasn't crazy about the music thing either, because it wasn't reliable and he wanted me to be a mechanic like him, but honestly music was my whole life back then. Well, music and Lisa."

"Lisa?" Cas asks, "you've mentioned the name before, but you never said who she was."

"She was my girlfriend at the time. I was gonna marry her," he sighs, "but then dad died, and everything went to shit."

"I can understand not living up to your parents' expectations," Cas says softly. Dean looks at him expectantly and Cas continues, "I come from a strictly religious family. I told you that Anna disassociated from them, but what I didn't tell you is that none of my other siblings have spoken to them in years, either."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Cas shrugs, a small smile crossing his face, "I'm much happier now than I ever was with them. I interrupted though, I'm sorry."

Dean shrugs, "at that point Sam was getting older, so Dad kinda turned to him instead. It's not like our relationship was bad, it was more nonexistent after I was like fifteen. It was tense sometimes. I wasn't even there when he died." Goosebumps break out over Dean's arms, and he can feel the dull ache behind his eyes, the prickling sensation that he refuses to give in to.

Something like realization dawns on Cas' face, and Dean has to turn away from him, because he can't bear to see it. 

"I was out of town," he continues, because it's easier to tell the story than deal with the sympathy it inspires, "up in South Dakota with the band. We were playing a festival, it wasn't even a paid gig, but it was a good way to get seen, and I was so fucking excited. I didn't even end up getting to play because a friend of my dad's pulled me out of rehearsal to tell me what had happened." 

Dean's surprised how easy this is, relatively speaking; he's never told this story to anyone, and he never talks about his dad anymore, not to Mary, not to Sam, but Cas just lies there and listens and Dean feels like he could tell him anything and not have to worry about it. When he thinks about it, it's actually a little shocking; not even Charlie knows this, at least not directly from Dean's point of view - Sam had told her one year not long after they met when Dean was inconsolable in his bedroom and refused to leave. 

"I fell into depression after that, and without a better outlet - I had no energy for anything - I started drinking. I lost my band, most of my friends, Lisa. Dad's death started a spiral that took down everything I cared about. Afterwards, all I had was Mom and Sam, until I met Charlie. I just- I wasn't there."

"How did it happen?"

"A stroke. He died in his sleep. Totally unpreventable, but I couldn't help but think that maybe if I'd stayed home-"

"Don't do that to yourself, you're not a doctor, Dean. There's nothing you could do."

"I could have been there."

"Would that have made it any easier?"

"Yeah," Dean blurts, and that's not something he's ever told anyone. It would have been so much easier if he had been home instead of off with his band doing something he knew his dad didn't support. He doesn't realize he's speaking out loud until Cas' hand runs up his arm. It sends a shiver down his spine, and Dean leans into it automatically. "I feel like I should have been able to do something."

"Like what?"

"I... don't know."

"Sometimes these things happen and no one can do anything about it. You shouldn't blame yourself for something that you had no control over."

"I didn't have to go to South Dakota." Dean retorts.

"Maybe not, but you had no idea your dad was going to die when you were gone, and you can't always live your life for someone else."

"Yeah," Dean says slowly, and he knows Cas is right. There's no way he could have predicted his dad was going to die when he went up to Sioux Falls, but it doesn't change that it did happen.

"Where is he buried?"

"Huh? Um, Maple Grove, out on highway 40."

"Would you like to go see him?"

"What?"

"I know I promised relaxing and TV, but I think it might help if you went out to see your father's grave." Dean gives him a questioning look, but Cas continues, "have you been out there, since he died?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Dean, I'm not going to force you. It's your decision, but I think it might help."

Dean thinks about it for the next half hour. Cas is up, moving around and doing whatever it is that he's doing, and Dean is thinking about going to talk to his dad's headstone, because that's all it is. John's not there anymore, he can't talk to him for real, but he can't help the nagging feeling that maybe Cas is right. 

"Will you drive me?" he says suddenly, surprising himself.

"Of course."

\- - - - -

Cas waits in the car as Dean shuffles awkwardly past the headstones, trying to find John Winchester's name. He's a fucking awful son, he thinks, not even knowing where his dad's grave is. Part of him wishes Cas had come with him, but this isn't Cas' problem.

When he finds him, his feet are soaked and his pants are pulled halfway up to his knees so they don't get wet, and he generally looks and feels like crap. He crouches down and brushes some of the dirt off the marble stone. 

"Hey, Dad."

It's awkward, at first, talking to someone who's not really there, but when he gets started, he finds he has a lot to say. He crouches there in the wet grass, for the better part of an hour, telling his dad things he wished he'd said when he was still alive to hear them, and Cas was right; it does help. He feels better knowing that it's out there now, and if there's any part of his dad who can still hear, who still has any sort of consciousness with which to understand, maybe his words will get to him. 

When he gets back to the car, he's exhausted; his knees ache, and he's cold and wet, and he just wants to lie down. He doesn't want to face Benny right now, so Cas drives them back to the hotel and Dean collapses on the bed.

"Do you want to watch something?" Cas asks, resting on the edge of the bed.

"I dunno. Maybe? this day has just been so weird."

"How come?"

"Just all of it," Dean says, turning to lie on his back, looking up at Cas, "I wasn't lying when I told you and Meg that I keep my personal and professional life separate. I've never so much as had coffee with a client outside of work, and now I'm here, sitting in your fucking hotel room because you don't fit the pattern, and I just feel-"

"Guilty?" Cas offers

"Yeah, I guess. And weird. It's like I don't understand what's going on inside my own head anymore."

"Yeah, I know that feeling." 

Dean looks up at him, and Cas' soft smile is so sincere. He wants to ask what he means, but there's the little voice in his head that tells him he already knows; Cas is too sincere, too caring, too everything for Dean to believe that this is just sex and nothing else. 

"Can we just forget about this?" Dean asks, "I'm just kinda done."

"Yeah," Cas agrees. 

The movie Cas puts on is something Dean doesn't recognize, but it doesn't really matter anyway. He's not overly concerned about that they watch, as long as he doesn't have to talk anymore. He curls up around one of Cas' pillows and promptly falls asleep.

\- - - - -

Dean spends the next two days trying to reason with himself, and come up with a reason for everything he's doing with Cas, to no avail. Sam keeps telling him he's acting weird, which _hypocrite_. He ends up telling Charlie that he went to see his dad, and she nearly falls over backwards, but she's happy for him, if not a little confused as to how the whole situation played out. Dean is very careful not to mention Cas' part in the whole thing.

Before he knows it, it's Valentines day, and Dean's mood drops right back down again. Sam is mysteriously absent, Benny's busy with work, and Charlie and Gilda are spending the day together because they are disgustingly in love, so that leaves Dean on his own to mope around the empty house.

He eats frozen waffles and chocolate milk because no one is there, and spends the next three hours watching serial killer docs on Netflix because it's the farthest thing from romance that he can find. He considers going out and drinking because with any luck, the bars will be swarming with other people who are desperate for affection on this oh-so-wonderful holiday, but Cas keeps popping into his mind, and he changes his mind every time.

He does a bit of work in the afternoon, checking on bookings for the Jones wedding, and calling Marion to check up on Ally because he needs a distraction. Turns out Marion shares his theory that she's pregnant, but Dean doesn't let her know that he agrees. It's a strange feeling, this time around, realizing that he's almost done with this wedding. Everything's booked, and everything's been prepared and really the only thing he has left to worry about is the rehearsal dinner and the day-of. He never thought he'd be sad to see them go, but right now he could really use a distraction, even if it is one of Ally's temper tantrums. 

He turns to the Novak wedding after ending the call with Marion, and makes good copies of all his notes on his tablet. The trick, he finds, is pretending like they're any other couple, like he doesn't know how Cas' cock feels in his hand, or how he feels about his family's religion. He pushes through coming up with a checklist of everything they have left to do, with notes of half-completed tasks on the side, and what he's going to need from the two of them before they can proceed. He emails it off to both Meg and Cas, and is surprised when his phone goes off a second later. Expecting it to be a reply to the email - Meg most likely - he pulls it out to check immediately.

It's not Meg.

_> > Do you want to come to dinner with me tonight._

Dean taps out a brief _**what?**_

_> > Meg cancelled her trip. I have dinner reservations and no one to go with. Do you want to come._

**_< < Isn't that a bad idea? _ **

_> > I don't care. I just spent half an hour on the phone with Meg because she didn't bother telling me she was't coming until this morning, and I want to see you._

_**< < Yeah, sure.** _

_> > I'll pick you up at five?_

_**< < Sounds good, see you then.** _

Dean's stomach flips as he sets his phone down on the table. He is officially a moron. There is no circumstance under which going to dinner with Cas is a good fucking idea. Not even a passable idea. It's moronic, any way you look at it. 

Five o'clock rolls around and Dean's dressed in his best non-work clothes and sitting at the kitchen table, waiting to hear Cas pull into the driveway. 

He's a fucking wreck, which is ridiculous because he's literally had Cas' cock up his ass in the back seat of his car, and it's a stupid dinner as friends that is making him lose his shit. He can't stop his leg shaking, and his heart feels like it's about to beat out of his chest. The only time he remembers feeling this nervous about anything was back when Lisa first started showing interest in him and Dean realized that just maybe, it was a he had a chance with her.

Dean does not have a chance with Cas, nor is he planning on asking him out. 

He wants so badly to call Charlie and ask her to help him figure out what his brain is doing, but that involves a lot more explaining that Dean is comfortable with at this point. Whatever this relationship is that he and Cas have, it could ruin his career and Cas' engagement if anyone finds out about it. So asking for advice is out of the question. He could always be one of those people who go anonymous online to ask advice about sketchy-ass things, but he doesn't want to be that guy. 

A blaring honk pulls him out of his mind, and he realizes Cas is there and he didn't even hear him pull up. Dean stands up and straightens himself out 

"Alright, Dean, you can do this. You can have dinner with your client and not freak out." 

"I'm a fucking idiot."

He takes a deep breath, and collects himself before heading out the door to where Cas is waiting for him.

\- - - - -

The restaraunt is fancy, and Cas looks fucking phenomenal, and it all makes Dean feel like he doesn't belong. Cas pulls him aside while they're waiting to be seated, reaching up to straighten Dean's tie.

"You look fantastic tonight," he whispers, just loud enough that only Dean can hear him, "don't be nervous, it's really not as posh as it looks."

Dean nods his agreement, but it doesn't make him feel any better. 

They are sat near the back of the dining hall, and the one thing that does make Dean feel better is that it's a small restauraunt, so there are only so many people there. The fact that it's valentines Day helps a little too, because it means everyone is focused on the person sitting across from them, and not anyone else, namely him. 

Dean sits awkwardly until someone comes to take their order. Cas orders some fancy pasta dish, and seeing Dean's vague confusion at the menu, orders him a burger. He doesn't know what to do or say, because it feels like anything he does is going to be the wrong thing. He's gapping out, staring at his hands in front of him, when Cas nudges him under the table. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Dean lies, "I'm good, just not a big fan of Valentines day."

"Me neither, not tonight."

"What happened?"

"I don't even know, that's what's irritating me so much. Meg just called this morning to say something came up and she can't make it. I asked her what happened, and she just said _it's nothing to worry about_ , which makes me think it's something I should probably be worried about."

"I'm sure it's not," Dean offers, but in the back of his mind all he can think of is what Charlie said the first time he told her about the Novaks. Cas just gives him a look because obviously Dean couldn't know what it is. 

"Has something been going on?" 

"Other than this," Cas asks, gesturing between the two of them, "no. Everything's been fine until this morning."

"Sorry man, I don't know what to tell you. Weddings I'm good at, relationships not so much."

"I'll just call her tomorrow, when I've had some time to think about things. I can talk to her about it then, when I'm not going to say something stupid."

"Smart," Dean nods, "this is why you're the one getting married-" he cuts himself off, because that was a stupid thing to say. Sometimes he thinks Benny's right, that he is getting too close to Cas, because he keeps saying and doing stupid things like this without even thinking. 

Cas looks up at him, but doesn't comment, which Dean is thankful for. The conversation switches to other topics - movies, TV, books - and Dean relaxes considerably when Cas starts talking about Lord of the Rings. Dean get so caught up in the conversation, that he barely notices when their food arrives, and then suddenly, it's almost 8 o'clock. 

Foregoing dessert, Dean and Cas leave shortly after. Dean stops awkwardly before getting into the car, leaning against it instead, and Cas looks around before coming to stand directly in front of him.

"Will you come home with me?" he asks, his voice just barely a whisper, and _god_ Dean wants to. 

"I can't," Dean sighs, "fuck, I want to, Cas, but I can't. If we're gonna do this, that's one thing, but I'm not gonna go home with you because you're mad at Meg."

Cas exhales slowly, "you're right, I'm sorry." He nods his head in thought, looking up at the sky before his eyes level with Dean again, "I'll drive you home."

"I'm gonna walk home, if that's cool?"

"If you're sure."

"I'm sure."

"Alright, have a good night, Dean," Cas smiles, though he looks a little sad. _Disappointed_ , Dean thinks, but it's not quite that either. 

"It's already been a great night, thanks."

"We're still on for tomorrow?"

"Yeah, Benny's there all day, but the lunch rush is usually pretty busy, so earlier is better. Does nine work for you?"

"Nine is great. I'll meet you there."

"Goodnight, Dean." 

"Night Cas." 

Dean waits and watches as Cas pulls out of the parking lot, and starts the walk home. He doesn't particularly want to walk the hour-long walk home, but he knows if he's in a confined space with Cas on Valentines Day, he's going to do something stupid. Stupid-er. More stupid. Whatever.

He stuffs his hands in his pockets, pushes down any thoughts of Cas and starts on the long walk home.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if there are any significant spelling errors in this, I've been working on a program that doesn't have an automatic spell checker, and sometimes when I edit I read too fast to notice. Also, I post these five minutes after I wake up in the morning, so my brain isn't fully functioning when I do a final check.

Dean wakes up at five on the morning of their meeting with Benny. As much as he tries, he can't get back to sleep, and he blames the fact that he went to bed early the night before, but that's not the case, and deep in the back of his mind, Dean knows what the problem is, he just doesn't want to face it. Instead, he gets out of bed, spends longer than necessary in the shower, and downs two mugs of coffee before plopping himself down on the couch, and waiting impatiently until he can leave. 

Cas is already sitting in a booth, chatting with Benny and Elizabeth when Dean arrives. It gives Dean some peace to see how casually they're talking, and he heads over to the booth, slipping in beside Benny because he doesn't want to have to face him during this meeting.

"Morning," Dean grins, "I see you've started without me."

"Cas was just letting us know what dietary restrictions we need to keep in mind," Benny explains. 

"Perfect."

The first half of the meeting is just Benny and Elizabeth explaining to Cas how they work, what their rates are and a dozen other things Dean already knows off by heart. He tunes out for most of it, nodding along politely and spending what is probably too much time watching Cas' reactions. 

When they get up so Cas can sample some of the food, he and Elizabeth head to the closed off part of the restaurant, and Dean finds himself hauled forcefully into the kitchen. He turns to find Benny staring him down, looking unimpressed, and Dean is thoroughly confused.

"What?" he asks, "I thought this was going well?"

"Don't," Benny warns.

"Dude, _what_?"

"You know what. _Cas_. You're falling for him."

"What?" Dean recoils, his defensive instincts taking over, "I am not."

"Dean, I've been watching you make heart eyes at him for the last hour, I'm not stupid."

"And I'm not in love with him," Dean insists. 

"Remember that he's getting married-"

"Really?" Dean shoots back, and now he's mad, but he doesn't want to admit that Benny's hit a nerve, "I hadn't noticed with the whole planning his wedding thing."

Benny looks like he's about to explode, and Dean's ready for it. He's got so much emotional shit crammed down inside him, and he could use a good shouting match right about now, but then the door opens and Elizabeth pokes her head in.

"Everything okay in here?"

"We'll be right out," Benny says flatly. He turns back to Dean as soon as she's gone, waiting until her footsteps have faded away before he speaks, "I don't want you to get hurt, and falling for someone who you have no chance with is only going to hurt you in the long run."

"I can take care of myself." Dean turns on his heel and pushes through the dining room doors, muttering _hypocrite_ under his breath. He rejoins Cas and Elizabeth as calmly as he can manage, leaning over the table. 

"Everything's good here?" he asks, and Elizabeth nods, although she gives him a questioning glance. "Excellent. Cas, I have to go make a quick call, are you okay by yourself for about five-ten minutes?"

"We probably won't even be that much longer," Elizabeth says.

"I'll try and get back before you're done, but this is fairly urgent. I'm sorry to interrupt our meeting again Cas."

"Don't worry about it, I can handle myself."

"Thanks," he smiles, waving his phone, "I'll try and make it quick."

Dean makes his escape to the parking lot and barely resists punching the door on his way out. Benny has no fucking right to tell him what to do; he's a fucking grown man, and even if he did fall in love with Cas, well that's fucking none of Benny's business. _He's_ the one who didn't want a relationship, Dean thinks bitterly. 

" _Don't go falling for someone who's gonna hurt you_ ," Dean mocks, muttering at his phone, "look in a fucking mirror, Benny."

Cas finds him out there a few minutes later, leaning on his car with his hands curled into fists. He wants to punch something, but then he turns around and Cas is right there, and his anger turns into something _different_. 

"Are you ready to go?" he asks. 

"Are _you_?" Cas returns, and Dean doesn't want to face the fact that Cas does the same thing to him that Benny does, but when it's Cas it's... _different_.

"Yep." Cas doesn't respond immediately and Dean feels like he's making it awkward, "have you guys finalized your guest list?"

"Yes, why?"

"You just might want to start looking at hotel rentals for anyone who's coming from out of town."

"Alright, I'll talk to Meg about it tonight and we can figure out who we need to accommodate."

"Can you let me know how many, we might be able to get a discount if we go through specific hotels, it just depends on the number."

"I can do that," Cas nods.

\- - - - -

The next day, Dean has a meeting with the Joneses, or rather, Marion. They're supposed to be doing a virtual walk-through of the day-of, but Ally's been throwing up all morning, so Dean's walking Marion through it alone, and has promised to reschedule when Ally is feeling up to it.

Thankfully, Marion is mostly quiet, intent to watch and listen rather than ask a hundred questions of her own, because Dean's totally not with it today. He's running off three hours sleep, and everything Benny said yesterday is still rattling around in his head, pushing things out of the way to get to the front of his consciousness. 

When they're done, Marion thanks him for staying even though Ally wasn't with them, and tells him to get some rest because he's working too hard. Ha. If only that was his problem. He asks her to call on a day that would be good for the three of them, and he'll do his best to make it over, and Marion promises to let him know. 

He's almost disappointed that he has to leave, because the alternative is going home, and Benny's off today. They haven't spoken about Cas since the argument, but Benny's being civil, and Dean's doing his best not to bring up that Benny's the one who went and broke his heart first, so as far as he's concerned, they're doing pretty well. 

Cas calls just after lunch to tell him they only have about 100 people who need to be put up for the wedding, and Dean is really impressed. Apparently, a lot of them live close enough to just drive in the day-of, and pretty much everyone that can't is from Boston. Still, one-third of your guests is not that many when you have 300 people coming. 

He emails a couple hotels, asking about group rates, and lies down to have a nap before meeting Sam for dinner. They're more than halfway through the month, and he hasn't seen Sam once because he keeps canceling or having to reschedule which, most of the time, doesn't happen. Part of him is glad that Sam's got something to keep him occupied, because otherwise he might end up like Dean, and no one else needs to deal with two of him.

While he's asleep he dreams that he has a twin brother who falls in love with Cas, and they run off together and get married. When he wakes up, he's even more exhausted than he was before.

They go through their usual routine at the diner, but Dean's mind is elsewhere. Sam finally gets his attention by smacking the table, and Dean just looks up blearily.

"Dude, what is up with you?"

"What?"

"Did you even hear a single word I just said to you?"

"Yeah," Dean says defensively.

"Okay then, what did I say?"

"Something about... mom?"

"Dean, you haven't been listening to me all night, and you've barely even touched your food. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You don't seem fine."

"Sammy drop it, I swear to god." He sighs, and pushes back from the table, "I'm not doing this right now, I'll talk to you later." He pulls a couple of bills from his wallet and drops them on the table before walking out. 

By the time he gets home, he regrets it, but fuck he can't deal with everyone pestering him anymore. He can't really be acting that off that everyone notices it but him. He climbs into bed and shoots off a text to Sam asking him if he wants to do lunch tomorrow, his treat. Sam can't, fucking naturally, but he offers breakfast instead, and Dean feels like an idiot, so he agrees.

\- - - - - 

On Monday morning, he wakes up to snow. It's not a lot, but it's still falling, and it's beautiful. It should probably bother him that the first person he thinks of is Cas, but he's gotten so good at ignoring the little things like that, that it doesn't even phase him.

He hasn't talked to Cas since the hotel thing, and he feels bad because he kind of left things on a shitty note the last time they saw each other, so he texts him, more out of apology than anything, and asks if he wants to go for a walk in the snow. He leaves his phone on the bed while he goes to make coffee, and by the time he gets back, there's one unread text.

_> > I have a Skype call with my publisher this morning, and I promised I'd call Meg after, but if you don't mind waiting, I'd love to walk in the snow with you. _

Publisher? Dean debates texting him back now to ask about it, but decides it can wait until later. Instead, he sends _**can't wait**_ , and proceeds with his morning as usual. 

Marion calls him while he's eating, and he skips out on the rest of his breakfast to go and do the walk-through with Ally. It ends up taking much longer than it should because she continually wants to change things around, and by the time they're done, it's past lunch time and Dean is starving. Cas texted him back a simple _I'm free any time_ , so Dean replies quickly and heads for the hotel. 

Dean's intent is to drive up one of the back roads that's usually quiet and walk along there in the peace and quiet, but it doesn't quite work out the way he's intending. 

As soon as they get out of town, the air in the car seems stifling. He rolls the window down a little to let some fresh air in, but it doesn't help. His chest feels compressed, like someone's sitting on it, and there's something else that he can't quite place. He shifts in his seat and a shiver runs straight through him and down to his groin, which is really the last thing he needs right now.

"Do you come up here often?" Cas asks.

Dean is relieved to have a distraction, "in the summer I come up to run, in the winter I come and drive or walk in the snow."

"It's beautiful."

"Mmhm." The conversation drops, and the tense feeling increases. 

Dean grips the wheel tight and focuses straight ahead, assuring himself that when they stop, it will be easier. It's always been easy with Cas, so it's probably just anticipation or something. 

When Cas' hand settles on his thigh, Dean nearly jumps out of his seat, and if he wasn't a better driver, he would have ended up in the ditch. He doesn't say anything, partially because he has to let his breathing get back to normal, but mostly because his dick is really curious as to how this is going to play out. 

_Very well, apparently_ is what comes to mind as Cas' palm slides over to cover his crotch. Cas squeezes him gently through his pants, and Dean's hips shift forward chasing the touch. He almost whimpers when Cas pulls away, but then he's sliding between his legs, rubbing his inner thigh, and Dean spreads his legs wider encouragingly. 

It takes exactly no time for Dean's dick to catch on to what's happening, and it presses against the front of his slacks, lifting them obscenely, but Cas has apparently moved on. He runs his hand over Dean's chest and abdomen, barely sneaking under the hem of his shirt, then back down to his leg again, squeezing and rubbing and avoiding Dean's cock at all costs. 

It must be ten minutes that Cas just teases him, sliding right up to the bulge in his pants and then moving away as soon as Dean tries to squirm into the touch. He's fucking desperate, his cock thick and leaking where it's trapped in his pants, and he would give anything for Cas just to fucking touch him. But he doesn't, and Dean knows he won't because he's enjoying this too much. And, likely, because it makes Dean squirm. 

Cas opens his belt and had his pants undone in no time, and Dean shudders at the sudden rush of cool air. His pants and shirt are pushed out of the way, and his underwear rolled down so that his cock bobs free against his stomach, smearing a line of precome in the soft hairs there.

_God_ , he's so conflicted right now. He wants Cas to touch him so badly, but the lead up alone is better than some sex he's had, and he's not sure that he's ready for it to end. He rolls his hips pointlessly, coming in contact with nothing but air and his own stomach. Granted, at this point, it feels fucking amazing, but it's not what he wants. 

There's a quiet click, muffled by the sound of Dean's breath in the small cab, and then Cas is moving into his space, one hand sliding into his pants to rub his thigh.

"Can you drive?" he asks, and he sounds fucking wrecked, which does nothing to help Dean's current situation. He nods, his knuckles white around the steering wheel, and Cas hums against his neck, nipping at the skin where it meets his shoulder.

"Good," he hums, "tell me if you can't."

Dean nods again, and he tries to reply, but it comes out as a strangled yell as Cas' lips suddenly seal around the head of his cock. He usually prides himself on his restraint, but when Cas slides down his length, he feels like he could come already. He tries to keep still, to focus on the road ahead of him, but Cas' tongue is flicking at the head of his cock, and licking straight up the shaft, and it's almost too much. He doesn't want to give up yet though, he doesn't want this to be over so he splits his focus, and tries not to thrust up into Cas' mouth every time he pulls away. 

It's too much when Cas' hand slips down behind his balls and starts pressing against his rim. 

"Cas I can't-" he pants, "there's a pull-off just up here, I have to pull over." Cas pulls off, and Dean can't help the little jump his hips do to try and keep that heat around him. 

"Okay," he rasps, and then his lips are pressing against his thigh, mouthing at the sensitive skin as Dean spreads them as wide as he can. 

"Fuck, Cas," he whines, "you're gonna make me come if you keep doing that."

"Can you hold it off?"

"Maybe."

Dean lasts until he pulls off the road, and then he's coming hard. Cas manages to prevent him from making a mess of himself, taking Dean's entire cock into his mouth. His cock twitches against Cas' cheek and his fingers grip the steering wheel so tightly, he thinks he's going to break it. 

As he starts to come down, Cas pulls off his cock and starts unbuttoning his shirt. Dean's fucking exhausted, but the thought of a potential round two makes his dick twitch limply against his leg. Cas gets him out of his shirt and jacket easily, and Dean feels kind of like a puppet, all heavy limbs and letting Cas do what he wants. 

He ends up on his back and Cas crawls over him, kissing his jaw and down over his neck. Dean shuts his eyes and drops his head back against the seat, giving Cas complete control. Cas isn't even doing anything, nothing more than a couple of fumbling teenagers in the back seat of a borrowed car, but somehow it's the best thing Dean's ever felt, somehow it always is with Cas. He curls one arm up to wrap limply around Cas' neck, and runs his fingers through the soft hair at the base of his neck. 

Cas' cock bumps against his thigh, and Dean lets out a soft moan, "you should let me do something about that," he breathes. 

"Should I?" Cas hums, his teeth just barely grazing Dean's skin. 

"Mmhm."

"What do you want to do?"

"What do you want me to do?" Dean asks, tipping his chin forward to meet Cas' eyes. 

"What I want," Cas rumbles, dipping back down again, "is to feel you all around me again." Before Dean even has a chance to say anything, Cas' fingers are pressing at his hole. He head drops back onto the seat and he shuffles down a little to Cas better access. 

There's some shuffling down by his feet, and Cas pulls away. Dean knows the sound of the glove box opening, and he squirms impatiently because he might have already come, but the thought of Cas fucking him is almost enough to get him hard again. One hand presses down on his hip, and Dean expects to be held down, but instead, his hips are lifted up, and Cas tugs his pants off, which is incredibly unfair. 

Dean is always at least half naked when they do this, but Cas is _always_ dressed, and Dean is dying to see what's under his clothes. He forgets about it easily enough though, when Cas' slick finger pushes inside him. It's quicker, this time, before Cas slicks his cock up and presses into him. Dean groans at the stretch, but damn, does he love it. 

Cas fucks him hard and fast, one of Dean's legs propped up on his shoulder for better access. Dean's still soft, but he can't help stroking his own cock and rolling his balls in his hand because it just fees so fucking good. He can tell Cas is close when his hips start to stutter, and he presses a hand to his chest, pushing him back.

He can't meet Cas' gaze, but he manages to get out the words, "I want you to come on me." 

"Fuck, Dean," he groans, rolling his hips slowly. He pulls out and rips the condom off, tossing it to the floor. Dean tugs on his shoulders, pulling him down to kiss him, and Cas grinds against his hip leaving a trail of precome where his cock bumps against Dean's skin. 

Dean slips a hand between them, curling his finger around Cas and stroking him slowly. He gets a broken moan in return, and Cas' mouth finds his neck again, nipping and sucking at his skin. He sits back before he comes, propping himself up on his hands while Dean's free hand pushes his shirt out of the way. He comes hard, hips stuttering against Dean's fist, as his cock slips between his fingers. 

When he's done, he drops back against the car door, panting, "so much for more space next time," he mutters. 

Dean shrugs, "next time, then."

"Next time," Cas agrees.


	14. Chapter 14

Cas straightens himself out, and Dean attempts to do the same, but Cas tugs him back so his back is pressed against Cas' chest. He runs his hands down Dean's chest and over his thighs, and Dean just relaxes into the touch. Dean turns his head to look out the windshield and exhales slowly. He's always had a fascination with snow, even after he was too old to want to play in it anymore, there was just something about it that made the world beautiful, and here, lying against Cas' chest with snow falling all around them, he can't imagine anything better. 

Dean's nearly asleep, his eyes heavy against the late afternoon sky, when Cas' fingertips brush against his lower abdomen, starling him into wakefulness. His skin prickles and he drops his head back onto Cas' shoulder with a soft hum.

"You're gonna get me goin' again, doing that." 

Cas just chuckles in response and curls his fingers lightly around Dean's hardening cock. A sharp gasp pulls from Dean's lips and he shuts his eyes, arching against Cas' stomach. 

"Not fair." Cas slicks his hand with lube, sliding it up the full length of Dean's cock, and any further argument Dean might have attempted is forgotten. He lets out a shuddering breath, squeezing Cas' thigh, " _oh fuck_."

Cas strokes him slowly from the base to the tip, always curving his fingers over the head as he moves down again. Dean tries to speed him up, thrusting into his hand, and it works for a bit - Cas increases his speed, but the second Dean's hips twitch, he gets pressed back against the seat. 

"Let me," Cas rumbles in his ear, "I'd like to try something if you're up for it?"

Dean has no idea what to expect, but so far sex with Cas has been well over his expectations, and he's pretty much willing to try anything, "what is it?" he huffs, and Cas' hand squeezes a little tighter around him, drawing a shuddering moan from his lips. 

"Since you were so good for me driving up here, I'd like to see how long you can last without coming." Cas makes it sound like it's such a simple thing, but Dean's cock twitches just at the memory of before. 

"Yeah," he breathes, "I can do that."

"Do you want to though?"

"I do," Dean nods, and he does. He's always been one for trying new things, especially when it comes to sex, and he trusts Cas to take care of him. 

"Tell me if you're gonna come." Dean nods, and shifts so he can lay back more comfortably, his head resting on Cas' shoulder. 

At first, he tries to keep some sort of control, not intentionally, but Cas holds him back, a gentle reminder that _he_ is the one in control, and Dean's just along for the ride. He slides his fist over Dean's cock, starting slow and working up to a quicker speed. Dean arches up with a breathy cry, fucking into Cas' hand.

"I'm gonna- I'm gonna come-" he whines as the heat of Cas' hand is torn away, and he collapses back against the man, instinctively rocking his hips forward. His fingers twitch where they're sitting on his thighs, and Cas slips his own between them, curling their fingers together steadying him. 

Cas only gives him a second to relax, before pulling away with both hands, and rubbing them down Dean's thighs. It feels good, but Dean has to dig his fingers into his skin to keep from grabbing Cas' hand and wrapping it around his cock himself. When Cas does touch him again, it's almost too sensitive, and Dean recoils, curling back into Cas' chest. 

Cas' free hand slides up his chest, brushing over Dean's nipple as he runs his fingers down the column of Dean's throat. He didn't know his neck was so sensitive, but there's something about the way Cas touches him that turns him on like nothing else. Fuck, if he keeps doing things like this, he's going to ruin him for everyone else. 

Dean can feel the burn already, the tenseness that comes before his orgasm, and he tries to ignore it, tries to focus on anything else because he can't be this worked up already, and he's not gonna come until Cas tells him to. And shit, if that isn't what almost pushes him over the edge.

"Cas!" is all he manages, before Cas' hand is withdrawn, and Dean's hips are left twitching up into nothing. This time, Cas barely gives him a second before rubbing the head of his cock, and Dean whimpers as he pushes into the touch. Cas' palm slides down and his fingers curl around Dean's balls, gently massaging before pushes back toward his hole. He grabs the bottle of lube again, and slicks up his other hand, stroking Dean's cock as he slips his finger in as far as he can. 

Dean arches up again, his stomach muscles twitching with the urgency of it. He wants to come so badly, but even more than that, he wants to make Cas happy, but his restraint is already working overtime, and he doesn't know how much more he can handle. 

Cas jerks him faster and faster, pulling off just when Dean is about to come. It's maddening, and sometimes Dean just wants to scream, but he sticks with it and tells Cas every time he thinks he's going to come unless Cas notices first. 

"You're doing so well," Cas breathes against his ear, and there's no mistaking the lust in his voice, which just drives Dean on. 

His knees rise up, one of them hitting the steering wheel as Cas strokes down his length impossibly slowly. He lets out a low groan, tossing his head back and spreading his thighs apart as Cas' fingertips press gently into his sac. He nearly loses it again, but Cas is right there with him, and he pulls off, running his hands down Dean's thighs again. 

Cas touches him again, and he's so overstimulated he feels like he might spontaneously combust. He needs release so badly. Before he had the road to concentrate on, but here right now his whole world is pinpoint focused on Cas' slick hand rubbing his heated, swollen cock. 

When he looks down, the picture in front of him sends a lightning bolt through his system. His cock is so dark it almost looks unnatural, and Cas has both hands on him now. He thrusts up hard, fucking the tunnel of Cas' hands, and it's too good, he lets out a low, shuddering moan. The feeling sneaks up on him, and Dean's skin prickles with heat.

"Stop Cas. Cas- stop, stop _ungh_ -" Cas' hands fly off of him and Dean holds as still as he can, but his orgasm rips through him anyway. His body tenses up as he shoots up over his chest, and _christ_ , he's never come so much in his life. 

Every nerve in his body is lit up, and he's pretty sure nothing will ever feel this good again. As he comes down from the high, he tries to turn to see Cas, but he can't even support himself. His whole body is shaking as Cas pulls him close against his chest, pressing soft kisses into his hair. 

"I'm sorry," Dean breathes, shutting his eyes in defeat. He doesn't know what he's expecting, but it's not Cas' fingers twining with his own. His free hand comes up, tilting Dean's chin so he can kiss him, soft and tender.

"Don't be," he breathes, "that was the hottest fucking thing I have ever seen." Dean's already overheated, but he can feel the flush in his cheeks and he doesn't know how to react. He turns a little, pressing his palm to Cas' crotch.

"You're hard again," he says, by way of changing the subject, "I could- if you want."

Cas just lets out a low chuckle, "as much as I would love that, we are gonna be here all day if we don't stop somewhere." Part of Dean is relieved because everything about Cas makes him hot as hell, and he's pretty sure if he gets an erection again, it's going to be more pain than pleasure. 

"Do you want to walk?"

"Yeah," Dean agrees, "just gimme a sec, I don't know if I can stand on my own." 

Cas huffs a laugh against his neck, and reaches back into the glove box, producing a rag and an assortment of crumpled napkins, "we might want to get you cleaned up a little first, anyway."

He lets Cas clean him up and he struggles back into his clothes, wishing he'd stopped by home so he had something other than slacks and a dress shirt to go walking through the snow in. Cas is much more prepared in his jeans and boots. 

They walk a little ways down the road, and Dean finds himself constantly having to stop himself from reaching for Cas' hand. They talk about their families and friends, and everything, and nothing, and when Dean's not careful, he finds himself thinking about a possible future where he and Cas can be together without having to drive an hour out of the city so that no one finds him. Realistically, he knows that will never happen, but it's a nice thing to think about. 

The snow starts coming down heavier, and Cas suggests they make their way back to the car, but by the time they get there, Dean can barely see two feet in front of his face. He gets the car started, but the wheels spin out in the snow, and as much as he tries, he gets nowhere. Cas looks at him sympathetically, but after ten minutes Dean gives up. 

"Dude, we're stuck."

Cas looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn't know what to say.

"We're gonna have to walk," Dean sighs, thumping his hand on the steering wheel, "I'm sorry Baby, I don't want to leave you up here all alone."

He grudgingly gets out of the car, locking the doors behind him, and they start down the road behind them. The sun is nearly down, but the thick layer of snow makes it bright enough to see easily. They walk side by side, mostly in silence, until they're where Dean figures is about halfway down the road. He can't stop thinking that if they weren't sneaking around, they could both be warm at home right now. 

He stops in the middle of the road, and sighs, "hey Cas?"

Cas turns to face him, a quizzical look on his face, "what's wrong?"

"We shouldn't be doing this, this whole sneaking around thing."

"I know," Cas says, stepping toward him until they're face to face, "believe me, I know better than anyone that we shouldn't be doing this, but I like the way I feel when I'm with you, I don't get that with anyone else."

Dean's resolve crumbles, and he slips his arms around Cas' neck, "me too." He dips his chin, pressing their lips together softly, and Cas sighs softly into him, parting his lips against his. His hands find their way under Dean's shirt, and Dean lets himself lean into the touch. 

He pulls back, panting, his head pressed against Cas', "I kinda wish we were back at the car," he huffs, and Cas just smiles before kissing him briefly and pulling away.

"I'd rather be at home in bed," Cas grins. He slips his hand into Dean's, curling their fingers together, and tugging Dean along behind him.

Dean's heart fucking soars, and he knows this can't be real, but he doesn't fucking care. He curls his fingers against Cas' and tries not to make the stupid grin on his face too obvious.

\- - - - -

By the time they get back to Dean's - one hell of a walk, and a brief cab ride later - they're both exhausted. They both kick off their shoes at the door and carry them to Dean's room because that last thing he needs is to have Benny wake up and find two pairs of soaking wet shoes at the door and start asking questions.

Cas strips naked and Dean can barely keep his eyes off of him. He's six feet of toned muscles and tanned skin, and it would be a fucking shame to cover that up with pajamas. Luckily for him, Cas seems to agree, and he turns down Dean's offer of clothes, opting instead to sleep only in his boxers. 

Dean feels like he did the first time he had a sleepover with a girl he liked, nervous and thrilled all at once, and unsure of what to do with himself. He tosses their clothes into his hamper and when he attempts to pull on a pair of sweatpants, Cas stops him, pulling him toward the bed. He sits down and tugs Dean into his arms, settling down next to him and shutting his eyes. 

They're both fucking exhausted, and Dean barely registers that this is a stupid fucking idea, before nuzzling under Cas' chin and passing out.

\- - - - -

Dean's hot and sticky when he wakes up, and when he rolls to get out of bed, his skin sticks to Cas'. Everything from the night before floods back, and Dean's decision to get out of bed is suddenly overridden by his desire to be close to Cas. He allows himself ten minutes of relaxing before checking the time. Benny should already be at work, so Dean gets up and takes Cas' clothes down to chuck them in the dryer.

When he gets back, Cas is sitting blearily against the wall, his dick standing erect under the thin fabric of his boxers. He's fucking beautiful, and Dean pulls out his phone to keep himself from pressing him back down against the bed and kissing him breathless.

"Morning," he grins, peering over his phone.

Cas looks up at him with a dopey smile, "good morning, Dean."

"I threw your clothes in the dryer, they shouldn't take too long."

"Thanks. Meg called while you were gone," he says awkwardly, "I told her I was in the middle of something and I'd give her a call back, so I should go as soon as they're done."

"For sure," Dean agrees, pretending it doesn't hurt, "I'm gonna call Charlie and see if she'll drive me to pick up the car."

"Good."

"You hungry?"

"Yeah."

Dean whips up a quick breakfast for them and texts Charlie while they're eating. She says she'll pick him up just after eleven and Dean shoots back a thank you, promising he'll be ready. 

Cas leaves about a half hour before Charlie arrives, and Dean's sad to see him go, but he's also itching to get his car back, so it kind of evens out. 

The snow has melted a bit since last night, and Charlie's jeep is a hell of a lot better in it than the Impala. She asks about the wedding, and Dean gives her as few details as he can get away with. 

They're nearly at the car when Charlie thinks to ask what he was doing up there in the first place. Dean's stomach churns uncomfortably, but he shrugs.

"We came for a drive in the snow, I do it all the time."

"And stopped long enough to get snowed in-" Charlie stops herself mid-sentence and   
turns to him, realization evident in her expression, "is there something you want to tell me?"

"Like what?" he delays. 

"Like what you were doing parked up here in the car for so goddamn long that you couldn't get back out again?"

He could just tell her the truth; it's not like it was the sex that got them snowed in, but it's almost easier to let Charlie yell at him. Plus, he totally deserves it. 

"Are you asking because you want to know, or because you want me to tell you?" he asks. He feels like he's gonna puke. 

"You fucking fucked him."

"Charlie-"

"No, you did, didn't you? Do you have any idea-"

"Yeah, I have a lot of fucking ideas, Charlie."

"What the fuck, Dean? He's _engaged_ -"

"Yeah, I know that too."

"Then what the fuck are you thinking? How could you-" she cuts herself off with a huff and pulls off to the side of the road. Clearly this conversation is just beginning. "How did it happen?"

"I'm not gonna-"

"Yes you are, or I'm going to leave you here to get your precious car out of the snow on your own." She cuts the engine, and Dean reluctantly unbuckles his seatbelt, slouching until his knees hit the dash. 

"It wasn't supposed to happen this way," he mutters, which, _understatement_. "The first time it happened was when we were setting up for their engagement party."

"The _first_ time?" Charlie clarifies.

"I'm getting there," Dean insists, "Cas came on to me - not that that makes it any better," he amends quickly, "but I didn't start this. And I don't actively keep going back to him, it just kind of happens."

"How many times?"

"Um, three. And a half."

"Dean, this is fucked up."

"I know."

"You have to stop this."

"I know. But I don't want to," he whispers, and his heart feels like it's going to pound out of his chest, because he's never been this honest with himself about Cas. "Fuck, Charlie, I don't know what to do."

"End it."

"I tried."

"And?"

"And Cas went and said some stupid thing and then I kissed him."

They sit there in silence for an immeasurable amount of time before Charlie starts up the jeep again. Dean looks over at her, half expecting her to tell him he would be walking home, but she doesn't. 

All she says as she pulls forward is, "let's go get your car."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Update:** I finally found a spell checker that I like, so there should be a lot less dumb mistakes from here on in!  
> This is a bonus chapter bc I don't work today (read: I want to bump this up to 50k and I'm impatient).

March rolls around, and Charlie still thinks Dean's being stupid - she's not wrong - and she won't talk to him about the wedding at all, but Dean's pretty okay with that anyway because he would rather avoid talking to anyone about Cas at this point. At least he and Charlie can talk like normal now, without him having to constantly face the fact that he's fucking up multiple peoples' lives. 

The latter fact he's still trying to adjust to, since Charlie put it so blatantly into perspective for him one day. And honestly, it's fucking hard. It's not like he actively went out of his way to hurt Meg; realistically he knew there would be - still will be - some sort of fallout, but he's not actively trying to hurt her. As for Cas, he's only recently started to seem like he's doing this for more than the sex, and Dean? Well, Dean's been fucking up his own life since the day it started, so it was either this or something else as far as he's concerned. 

The main problem he runs into, regardless of how he thinks about it, is that he doesn't want to stop what he's doing with Cas. Cas' engagement and inevitable fallout notwithstanding, it's the best thing that's happened to Dean since he and Lisa split up.

Dean's internal struggle comes to a head on the 3rd. It's a Friday, and he's not planning on doing much, except maybe heading up to the bar to hang out with Jo while she works, but it doesn't turn out that way. He's eating breakfast when his phone rings, and for the first time in a long time, he considers ignoring it, because this is his weekend off and if someone really needs him they'll leave a message. The phone stops ringing and Dean breathes a sigh of relief. 

It vibrates a second later, indicating someone has left a voicemail. _Fuck_. 

Dean fishes it out of his pocket and sets it on the table beside him so he can finish his cereal while listening to it. It's Cas, because of course it is. 

_Hey, Dean, I'm sorry to bother you because I know we're not meeting for almost a week, but I'm having somewhat of a crisis. My brother was supposed to come to my tux fitting, but his flight was overbooked and he didn't end up making it. I know it's kind of an odd favour, but if you're free today, it would mean a lot if you could come with me instead. Give me a call back when you can. Thanks._

Dean finishes his cereal and calls Cas, putting him on speakerphone as he loads the dishwasher.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey, Cas, how's it going?"

"Well, for the most part."

"Other than the tailor thing?"

"Exactly," Cas confirms. "are you busy at all today?"

"Not at all, when were you planning on heading over?"

"As soon as possible?"

"You want me to come pick you up now?" Dean asks.

"Now is good."

"Perfect, see you in a few."

\- - - - -

The tailor is a small place, tucked away between a warehouse and an Italian restaurant, and Dean recognizes it immediately. He's been down here loads of times when clients need him to pick things up, but he's never been in to actually pick something out. Historically, he's spent more time looking at women's clothes than men's.

Cas seems confident enough as he strolls in and speaks to the man behind the desk - a short, British man, if memory recalls, named Crowley. Dean stays to one side as Crowley shows him a book which Dean assumes is suit designs, and Cas kind of frowns at it before looking up at Crowley and saying something Dean doesn't quite catch. Presumably, it's that he wants to look at what is in the shop because Crowley comes around the desk and leads Cas to the wall of hanging suits. 

Dean steps up behind them, peering over Cas' shoulder as Crowley explains the different styles of suits and which section they're in. Cas shoots a quick smile over his shoulder to Dean before explaining to Crowley what he's looking for. Crowley picks out a couple different suits off the rack and leads them both back to the fitting area, where Dean sits down on a plush leather sofa, and Cas disappears behind a curtain.

He feels kind of useless because he's never done this before, and so far Cas hasn't needed him for anything. He waits for Cas to come out in the first suit - classic black, slim fit - and when he does, Dean's jaw nearly hits the floor. 

Cas is always beautiful, but right now he looks fucking phenomenal, which really isn't fair because it's also the first time since they started sleeping together that it really hits him that Cas is getting married. This must be what it's like for brides when they pick out their dress, he thinks. Over the years he's heard countless women tell him it suddenly feels real when they find that one true dress, and this kinda feels like the equivalent of that. 

Cas smiles down at him and Dean's heart feels like it's going to explode, because _holy shit_ , Benny was right. It hits him hard, right in the middle of the tailor's shop with Cas standing in front of him, and Crowley just out of view somewhere. He is love with this man in front of him. This beautiful, funny, caring man who he has absolutely no chance with. He feels like he's gonna puke.

Instead, he fakes a phone call. 

After escaping and telling Cas and Crowley to go on without him, he leans against the brick wall, head in his hands and curses himself internally. He should have fucking known the Novak/Masters wedding was going to be trouble right from the start when Meg said she wasn't going to be around, but no, Dean likes a challenge. He should have said no at the beginning, he should have said no the first time they slept together, but he didn't, and now he's trapped in a situation that either ends badly for him, or for everyone involved. 

How in the fuck did he manage to delude himself into thinking it would be fine when Cas was gone, that he would just be able to move on? He knew from the start that there was something about Cas, and he fucking knew that no one had ever made him feel the way Cas does, so how did he think he was going to survive this fucking wedding? He still has to make it through ten months. That's almost an entire year that he has to stand by Cas' side and listen to him make arrangements so that he can go off and marry someone else. Granted, he's been doing that for two months already, but facing the fact that he loves him just makes it that much harder. He's only ever been in love once, and it broke his heart when he and Lisa split. Since then he's been heavily guarded, but something about Cas just broke through every barrier and made his way straight into Dean's heart. 

He doesn't know what to do, but he knows he won't get any sympathy from Charlie, and he's not in the mood to go home and have Benny tell him the same things over and over again, so he texts Sam. If his brother doesn't flake out on him again, he'll be a good distraction, and if he's in a good mood, he might even feel sorry for Dean. 

Sam texts back that he'll meet him at their diner at 6, and Dean has never loved his little brother more. Cas comes out a second later, looking for him, and Dean's just shoving his phone back in his pocket.

"Sorry," he says, "what's up?"

"I found a suit and Crowley just has to take measurements. I'd like you to be there for that, if you're finished?"

"Yeah, I was just about to head back in. Let's see this suit."

If nothing else, Dean is good and repression; he can keep his feelings buried and be whatever Cas needs him to be until he doesn't anymore. Then he'll just go on with his life because maybe some people are just meant to be alone forever, and really what other choice does he have?

\- - - - -

When he gets to the diner, Sam's sitting and waiting for him, drinking a milkshake. There's a second one sitting there, presumably waiting for Dean, along with a bacon double cheeseburger and fries. Dean slips into the booth across from him and looks down at the food.

"For me?" he asks. 

"You sounded pretty miserable when you texted. I got you the greasiest thing on the menu."

"Thanks," Dean grins, "I could definitely use a good burger." He puts up a front as Sam asks about the wedding, blatantly ignoring his brother's worried expression. He asks about things with Sam, and Sam gives him the usual vague replies that he's known for these days. It's frustrating to say the least, especially when Dean needs something to distract him from his own life, but every time he pushes, Sam awkwardly changes the subject. 

"Look," Sam starts when Dean calls him out on it, "you're the one who wanted to meet today because you were having a shitty day, you tell me and I'll tell you."

_Oh yeah, that'll go over real well. So today I realized I'm in love with my client y'know, the one I've been sleeping with for two months? Yeah, him._

"Fine," Dean grumbles, shoving a fry in his mouth violently than necessary. 

"Are we still doing games at your place on Thursday?"

"Far as I know, Benny hasn't said any different."

"Cool," Sam nods, and they fall back into silence. 

So this is how secrets tear families apart, Dean thinks. Never in their lives have he and Sam not had something to say to one another, and now that Sam's got whatever going on, and Dean's got Cas, it seems there's no mutual ground. At least none that they want to talk about. It leaves him wondering, considering what it is that _he's_ hiding, what is Sam not telling him. 

Dean leaves the diner in a bad mood. Outwardly, he's cheery, clapping his brother on the back and thanking him for dinner, but what he wants was for Sam to make him feel better, without having to tell him about Cas. He doesn't feel better, and now he also feels worse that there's this weird rift between him and Sam, so he's more miserable than he was when he got there. This is not how this night was supposed to go. Maybe if he tries hard enough, he can just restart the whole day; tell Cas he's too busy to help him and never realize he's in love with him.

\- - - - -

The next time he meets with Cas is supposed to be just a brief hi and bye to go over what they've done up to this point and what is left and sort of refocus. Because it's Cas, and because Dean's a moron, they do it in person instead of on the phone or via email, despite the fact that it should take literally five minutes.

As per usual, they get sidetracked. First, it's the fact that Cas wants to get a gift for Meg, something unique. He mentions a little art gallery that she loves in South Dakota, and Dean, being the moron he is, suggests they take a trip out there together. Because that's totally a normal thing that wedding planners do with their clients. Totally.

The second distraction is almost passed over when Cas briefly mentions that all of his friends are out of town, but Dean, being Dean, has to focus on that point, and ask if Cas has any friends that live close. The answer is no, and Dean feels horrible for bringing it up, so he decides to make up for it by inviting Cas to their games night the following Thursday. 

He drives home that night, prepared to deal with Benny's irritation when he tells him his plans. If he doesn't like it, he can just not be home that night.

\- - - - -

Dean and Charlie are shouting at each other over Mario Kart when Cas shows up. Dean just yells to come in when there's a knock on the door, and Cas peeks into the living room a little sheepishly. Benny and Charlie were both pre-warned about his invitation, and both of them took it really well, presumably because they were there at the same time. Charlie did give him a questioning look, but Dean pretended he didn't notice. Luckily now, they are both being very well behaved, and Dean loves them for it.

"Hey," Charlie calls, "it's Cas right? I'd get up but-" she gestures with her head to the TV, and Dean catches a glimpse of a smile from Cas.

"This is Charlie," Dean nods his head in her direction, "and you've met Benny."

"Good to see ya," Benny smiles. 

Charlie crosses the finish line a millisecond before him, and Dean curses her as she sticks her tongue out. He turns to Cas and grins, gesturing toward the empty seat on the couch beside him, "come sit down. Charlie might bite, but I won't." He can practically hear what Cas is thinking, and it stirs up something not unlike pride within him. 

He makes Cas race Charlie while he steals Benny to get some of the snacks started. It's probably not the best idea, leaving Charlie and Cas alone in a room together, but he also kind of really wants them to be friends, so...

Sam arrives with Jo about half an hour later, and they've got pizza. Dean loves his little brother. 

The rest of the night passes in a blur of food and laughter, and Dean can't remember being happier in his life. Cas gets along well with everyone - even Benny lets his guard down and doesn't so much as look at Dean sideways the whole night, which is a fucking miracle with the way he's been acting lately. 

Charlie leaves first because she and Gilda have a doctor's appointment the next day, and Sam drives Jo home not long after. Dean isn't ready for this to end, so he puts on a movie, makes a bowl of popcorn and drops down on the arm of the couch beside Cas. He's not prepared to sit directly next to him when Benny's around, but he also doesn't want to make it so obvious as to sit on the floor. 

Benny heads to bed around 11 because he has work in the morning, and Dean thanks him for hanging out that long because it's about two hours later than he usually stays up. After that, Cas tugs him down and they finish the movie together. By the end of it, Dean is paying little to no attention to the movie, but the few square inches of Cas' arm that are pressed against his feeling like they're on fire.


	16. Chapter 16

Dean and Cas leave for Sioux Falls just after noon on Friday. Dean had debated asking Bobby or Ellen if they could crash with them for a couple nights, but considering the fact that he was going to be away with Cas where no one knew them, he figured it was probably for the best that they stay in a hotel. Besides, explaining their relationship, or at least the public one, to his friends was fucking hard enough, never mind to people who were practically second parents. 

It's early evening when they arrive, and Dean spends forty-five minutes driving around to find a hotel. Apparently, there's some event going on, so they end up in a hotel that's not only out of the way, but also way above Dean's price point. He's not excited about driving around for another hour or whatever it takes to find somewhere new, but he also can't afford this place without having to do a mental calculation and budget his next month's expenses. He says as much to Cas, but Cas just waves him off and books them into a double Queen room. 

The room itself is similar to the one Cas is staying in now; two separate sections split with a divider. The front of the room is the two beds, a desk and a TV on a dresser - pretty generic hotel stuff, and the back of the room behind the divider has a reclining leather sofa and a second TV. Dean is considering buying lottery tickets if this is how he could spend his vacations every time he goes anywhere.

Cas drops his bag on one bed and plops down next to it, "I'm starving. Do you want to go out for dinner, or should we order room service?"

"Dude, we discussed the money thing-"

"We did," Cas confirms, "and I told you not to worry about it. Consider it a perk of working with me."

Dean wants to argue, but he's lost one battle already, "Can I get away with eating diner food?"

"Not now, you can't," Cas gives him a sly little smile before turning to unpacking his things. Dean has never actually unpacked in a hotel because usually, he's only there for a couple nights, and when he does take longer trips, he's almost never in the hotel, so it seems kind of pointless. This time, he follows Cas' lead and folds his clothes nicely before putting them in the left side of the dresser drawer. 

He lies back on his bed and shuts his eyes, wiggling slightly on the silky bed covers. In this room in South Dakota, he feels remarkably free, like despite the fact that he's made a mess of his life, and he's planning a wedding for the one person he's felt anything for in the last ten years, things might just be okay. At least for the next three days. When he gets home he'll have to face everything again, and have to explain to his friends what the fuck took them three days, but right now it doesn't even phase him.

He rolls onto his side and props himself up on one elbow, watching Cas put his clothes away, and he feels like a damn kid who's just been taken to Disneyland, minus the rides. Cas shrugs out of his jacket, tossing it on the bed behind him, and tosses a t-shirt at Dean without even looking back. 

"Are you gonna help me, or just sit there and watch?"

Dean chuckles and tosses the shirt back at him, "nah, I think I like it better from here." Cas turns back to him and he looks like he's debating whether or not he should tackle Dean to the bed or just completely ignoring him. Dean is rooting for option one. 

He gets neither.

Cas just continues folding and chatting as he goes, trying to figure out what they should have for dinner, and Dean is thoroughly disappointed when Cas mentions going out to some place or other. Any time spent in the hotel is a good thing, as far as he's concerned. 

They don't go far from the hotel for dinner, mostly because both of them are exhausted, and although Dean knows the area fairly well, he would rather be back at the hotel sleeping. They end up getting their food to go because Dean can barely order through his constant yawning, and Cas is thankfully sympathetic. 

They eat in silence, and then Dean leaves the room to grab ice for his water. By the time he gets back, Cas has stripped down to a t-shirt and his boxers, and his eyes are shut. Dean steps quietly around the room, changing into something more comfortable and turning the light out before climbing into his own bed. The glow of the streetlights is just bright enough that the last thing he sees is the outline of Cas' face before his own eyelids fall shut.

\- - - - -

For some reason, when he's not at home, Dean always wakes up absurdly early, and he's usually wide awake. Which is how he ends up showered and dressed by 6:30 when Cas hasn't so much as moved in his sleep.

He sits on the edge of the bed and watches the way Cas' chest rises and falls when he sleeps. He's got one arm curved up so his head rests on his hand, breathing softly, and Dean should have known the second he saw him that Cas would be his downfall. He knows he shouldn't just sit there and stare at him, so Dean picks himself up tries to make himself busy. 

He curls up in the corner of the couch with his phone and looks up local breakfast places. By the time Cas gets up, he's made a list of five possible options and moved on various other things they can do once they've finished shopping. He looks up as he hears Cas get out of bed.

"Good morning."

"Good morning," Cas echoes, "what are you doing up so early?" he comes over to lean on against the diving wall. Dean can feel his eyes raking over him, and a little half-smirk tugs at Cas' lips.

"What?" Dean asks, looking down at himself.

"No slacks and tie?" he asks, and Dean shifts a little under his gaze. 

"I could change, if you want?"

"Don't get changed on my account," Cas steps forward so his knees bump against the arm of the couch, and he runs a hand down Dean's shirt, "I like this. Red suits you." And just what is he supposed to say to that?

"I uh, I found some breakfast places, if you want to head out?"

"I could definitely eat," Cas agrees, "just let me shower and we can go." Dean's a little disappointed when he pulls away, but Cas pulls his shirt off as he heads to the bathroom, and his breath catches in his chest. 

Over breakfast, they discuss the day ahead, and Cas explains where the gallery is that he wants to visit. It isn't too far from where they are, so they head over as soon as they're done eating. When they get to the place, it doesn't look as pretentious as Dean had expected, and there's more than just paintings. It's actually more like an expensive gift shop. 

Cas heads right for the counter to talk to the woman working there, but Dean's caught up in everything else around him. There's everything you could possibly want to decorate your home with; traditional art, wall hangings, sculptures, and the art doesn't even take up half the store. He takes a few minutes to look at the jewelry and clothing as he passes by. There are little hand-written notes denoting the artist or creator and the price, and when Dean picks one up there's information about the creator on the back. He decides right away that he likes this place, not that he's one for interior decorating, the state of his office can attest to that.

As he wanders, there's one particular piece that catches Dean's eye, and even after he's walked away he keeps thinking of it. Cas is still chatting away, and Dean's focused on a selection of woven mats, but his mind keeps going back to that one canvas in the corner. With one last check to see if Cas is looking for him, he weaves between the various displays and goes back to the corner of the store. As he looks at it, it just feels right somehow. It makes no sense to him, and Dean thinks this is what people are talking about when they say art speaks to you.

This one is a textured painting on canvas in dark reds and oranges that depicts a winged being pulling a man from the flames of hell, and Dean doesn't know what it is about it, but he just loves it. The title card reads " _Lazarus Rising_ " and prices it at $1200, which is well above what Dean would comfortably spend on something that was just going to hang on his wall. He sighs and shakes away the mental image of it hanging in his living room, and heads back to Cas. It's fine, he doesn't need expensive artwork anyway, regardless of the way it sticks in his mind as he turns his back on it. 

He catches up with Cas just as the woman - Dean thinks her name is Laurel - asks if there's a particular print Cas is looking for, and Cas nods, "I'm looking for a gift for my fiancee."

"Oh," she says, looking between Dean and Cas, "what are you interested in."

"Oh-" Cas starts, and then backtracks, turning to Dean.

"I'm not-" Dean offers, "I'm not the fiancee." Laurel pauses, as if unsure how to proceed, and Dean just rambles on, "as much as I'd be thrilled to have someone like Cas in my life, he's too good for me. I'm just the wedding planner. " He flashes a charming smile, but Cas gives him a small frown, but for the most part ignores the comment.

"Okay, well," Laurel starts, pulling herself back together, "are you thinking something to hang on the wall or tabletop..."

"She has a particular artist that she likes, a local woman I think her name is Billie?" Laurel seems to perk up at the name, and she leads them toward a back corner that is full of pastel landscapes, and Dean finds it hard to believe that this is the kind of art Meg likes. 

Cas starts talking about it like he knows what he means, and Dean just kind of peeks over his shoulder and listens to what Laurel has to say about each piece. He's actually more interested in _Lazarus Rising_ when his phone goes off, and naturally, it's Sam. Cas turns around, and Dean apologizes.

"Sorry, it's Sam. I'll make it short." He lifts the phone to his ear, "hey Sammy, what's up?" Dean heads for the exit, leaning against the exterior of the building. 

"Not much, what's up with you?"

"I am currently standing outside an art gallery in Sioux Falls waiting for Cas to pick out a painting for Meg."

"You're in Sioux Falls?"

"Uh, yeah, I told you I would be."

"Uh-" Sam stammers like he's trying to recall when Dean told him this, "I don't remember. I was gonna ask if you wanted to come to movie night at Jo's, but I guess not."

"Sorry dude, we're not back until tomorrow."

"So, what are you doing in South Dakota?"

"Cas wanted to find a gift for Meg, something by this particular artist from here, and I figured we may as well do some other wedding shopping while he's here. He asked me to come along, so I agreed."

"Huh."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

"I'm just doing a favour for a friend, Sam."

"Dude, I'm not saying anything, relax."

Dean runs a hand over his face, "sorry, Benny just won't leave me alone about Cas. I gotta get going though, we got shit to do."

"Yeah, alright. We'll miss you tonight."

"Yeah, sure. Talk to you later Sammy, say hi to everyone for me."

"Have fun art shopping." Dean shakes his head as he ends the call and stuffs his phone back in his pocket. He wanders back into the shop and finds Cas at the desk, giving instructions for delivery. 

"Did you find something?" he asks, and Cas nods.

"I think she'll love it."

"Perfect," Dean grins, but his heart drops. He and Cas leave the shop, thanking Laurel again for her assistance, and start down the street toward another little shop Cas mentioned wanting to look in. As soon as they're around the corner, he stops and turns on Dean.

"Why do you say things like that?" he asks, brows furrowed. 

"I didn't... say anything?" Dean asks, thinking back to the last thing he said, which was definitely before they left the shop. 

"You said I'm too good for you," Cas says, and it's his turn to sound surprised, "you do things like that a lot, I don't even think you notice."

"Do what?"

"You belittle yourself, constantly tell people you're not good enough, or someone else is better - you shouldn't."

Dean just shrugs. He's adjusted to the fact that he's subpar, and it doesn't bother him as much as it used to - or rather, he doesn't fight as hard against it as he used to. Some people aren't meant for greatness; Dean Winchester is just one of those people. He says as much to Cas, and the look he gets in return is heartbreaking. 

"Dean..." Cas trails off, shaking his head at the ground, "how can you even think that?"

"It's just something I've got to live with man, I don't know what to tell you." He shrugs again and drops his gaze to the ground. Cas' fingers brush against his cheekbone, his palm settling just above his chin, and he tips Dean's head up to look at him.

"You deserve good things, Dean. You deserve the best this life has to offer-"

"Cas, don't. You don't have to do this."

"Obviously I do, because you don't believe me. If I wasn't marrying Meg, I would definitely date you- someone like you," Cas amends quickly.

Dean chuckles humorlessly, "you already kinda are," he says softly, just loud enough for Cas to hear him. 

Cas' frown breaks, and he meets Dean's gaze, "I guess I am. I never had a boyfriend before."

Dean quirks an eyebrow, "boyfriend?" His heart is thudding so hard in his chest that he's afraid Cas will hear it, because this is the closest thing he's had to a relationship in years, and Cas just goes and throws it out there like it's nothing. 

"You're the one who said it."

"I did not," Dean argues, starting away. 

Cas follows after him with a smirk. He looks like he wants to continue defending his innocence, but instead, he says, "this doesn't get you off the hook. I'm not going to let you talk about yourself that way."

Dean just spins on his heel and winks at him before hurrying away down the sidewalk.

\- - - - -

Buying one thing for Meg turns into a full-blown day of shopping. Cas is fascinated by every arty type place they pass, and Dean's pretty sure they spend an average of an hour in each one. He's considering hiring Cas to help him set up his office because the guy really has an eye for decorating. They even manage to pick up a few things for the wedding along the way, which Dean considers a plus. He's beat by the time they get back to the hotel, and he's looking forward to eating pastries they picked up at a local bakery and then passing the fuck out in his nice fresh hotel bed.

Cas stops in the lobby and turns to Dean, "do you have your key on you?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I uh- I just have to ask at the front desk about something. You head up and I'll meet you in a minute."

"Okay, why don't you let me take those up," Dean says, gesturing to the bags Cas is carrying.

"Thank you," he smiles, handing them over to Dean. 

Dean rides the elevator alone, wondering what Cas could possibly be asking about; as far as he's concerned everything's been spot on since they got there. He unlocks their pushing it open with his shoulder, and dumps the bags between their beds. They'll sort the stuff out later, but right now Dean just wants sleep. He kicks off his shoes and his eyes close the second he hits the bed. 

The next thing he knows, there's something rough rubbing against his cheek, and hot breath against his ear, "I've been waiting all day to get you alone, and the second I do you fall asleep on me?"

Dean huffs a rough laugh and pushes Cas off of him, sitting up and rubbing his eyes, "I'm tired man, I haven't done that much walking since I got my license."

"I'm not going to stop you from sleeping, if that's what you want," Cas smiles, "but I should inform you that your other option is room service and sex."

"Well damn," Dean mock frowns, "I could definitely go for some food, and that other thing..." he curls his hand around Cas' lapels and pulls him back down on top of him. "How long do we have?"

"Probably not too long."

Dean frowns but doesn't push Cas away when he kisses him. He pulls him closer, and runs his hands down Cas' back, pressing his fingers into the flesh of his ass. It's a miracle that they get anything done together, because Cas barely has to even look at him before Dean's whole body lights up with desire. He closes his eyes and hooks a leg over Cas' waist, dragging one hand up his back to curl into his hair. 

Cas kisses him deeply, their breath mingling in hot puffs as Cas' body moves against him. Dean pushes Cas' jacket off his shoulders and untucks his shirt from his jeans, sliding his hands up his chest. He wants Cas naked, so he can touch him like he's never been able to before. It's always cramped spaces and time limits with Cas, but here where no one knows them, they have all the time in the world, and Dean's going to take advantage of that. 

It's like a switch has been flicked somewhere inside him, and he wants Cas _now_. He's already half-hard, his cock twitching eagerly with every move Cas makes, and Dean rocks his hips against the firmness of Cas' thigh, moaning low in his throat. He moves to undo Cas' belt, but there's a knock at the door, and Dean drops his head back to the bed with a disappointed groan.

"Be patient," Cas whispers, "and uh," he nudges Dean's clothed erection with his knee, "maybe go sit on the couch while I get that." He grins as Dean sighs and pulls himself up off the bed. Dean adjusts himself and crosses the room to sit down on the couch, flicking the TV on to distract himself. 

He tries to focus on the screen - some nature doc or other - but his cock is uncomfortable in his jeans, and he just wants the person at the door to leave them alone again. 

Cas is being overly friendly with her, and Dean can hear her giggling just before the door closes again. Dean frowns at the tv, but he's distracted when Cas comes to lean against the wall, "are you hungry?" Dean wants to make some dumb joke about how he's not hungry for food, but he is, so he keeps his mouth shut and just nods, standing up to follow him. 

They eat in silence for the most part, other than a few comments about the food, because Dean is feeling sleepy again, despite the desperate hum of arousal flowing through him. He only eats about half of his food, and they put the leftovers in the mini fridge before Cas sets to cleaning up the rest of the dishes. 

Dean tugs his jeans off and flops face-down on the bed, shifting so his cock isn't directly under him, and he can rut against the mattress. He's half paying attention as Cas moves about the room around him, locking the door and making sure everything is tidied up. Dean hears him pushing the curtains aside, likely to make sure the window is shut, and then the curtains are pulled back into place and the bed dips down behind him. 

Cas' hands run up the backs of his legs, slipping under his boxers to squeeze his ass. His thumbs slip between Dean's cheeks, spreading him open and brushing lightly around his rim. Dean thrusts against the mattress, impatient for a more substantial touch. Cas pulls away, and Dean presses his hips back encouragingly. There's a slight chuckle from behind him before Cas tugs his boxers down his legs, and then he's gone again, his footsteps heading back toward the bathroom. 

Dean props himself up to see when Cas returns, and he's surprised but not disappointed to find him fully naked and holding a bag of what he can only describe as stuff. 

"What's that?" he asks, and Cas just grins at him, and slides a hand up his back, encouraging him to lie back down. 

"Nothing you won't like, I promise." Cas kneels down over him again, bumping Dean's legs apart with his knees to settle between them. There's the distinct sound of a lid being unscrewed, and the slide of slick skin against skin before Cas' hands curl around his thighs, sliding easily over the skin. 

The oil has a spicy scent, something not unlike what you'd find in candles at Christmas, and it reminds him of Cas. He shuts his eyes and inhales deeply, relaxing into Cas' touch. Cas' hands slide up his thighs, pressing firmly into the muscle, and down his calves, massaging the skin and sending little bursts of pleasure up Dean's spine. He rocks his hips into the bed, groaning at the dual pleasures. 

"Do you like that?" Cas asks, his voice deep and rough with desire. 

"Yeah," Dean nods.

Cas dips down, kissing a spot at the base of his tailbone, "I need you to take your shirt off." Dean complies quickly, squirming out of his shirt and arching his back encouragingly. He lays back down as Cas straddles his ass, and a shudder runs through him as Cas' thick erection slips between his cheeks. He pushes back against it, but Cas shows remarkable restraint, slicking up his hands again and working from the base of Dean's spine up to his shoulders and down his arms. 

Dean continually tries to encourage him, reaching back to rub Cas' thighs or rut against his cock, but Cas is too focused. When Dean's all but limp against the mattress, Cas shifts back down to straddle his thighs, and Dean wiggles his hips, sure that Cas is going to fuck him, but he doesn't. Instead, he spreads Dean's cheeks with one hand and drizzles oil over his ass. Dean groans as the oil drips down over his hole and he squirms against the bed. 

Cas slides a finger over his hole, rubbing over his entrance but refusing to breach it, despite Dean's desperate thrusts against him. He can feel precum leaking from his cock, smearing against his stomach as he moves, and Cas just continues his ministrations, massaging his ass and rubbing and pressing at his hole. 

"Please, Cas-" He moans, burying his face in the comforter and pushing his hips back. 

"What do you want?" Cas asks, and he may be physically calm, but his voice gives him away. 

"Fuck me."

"Not yet, baby," Cas rumbles, nipping at the swell of his ass. He slips one finger into his hole, just up to the first knuckle, and Dean's whole body tenses up. Cas pushes further into him, and Dean all but melts into the bed, moaning low into the blankets. He pushes back onto Cas' finger, eager for more, but it becomes apparent after a couple of minutes that Cas isn't prepping him for his cock, he's just enjoying himself. Dean might be disappointed, if Cas wasn't so damn good with his hands, seeking out his prostate and rubbing it; fucking him with his fingers until Dean's on the brink of orgasm. 

He stops just before Dean tells him to, sitting back on his heels between Dean's legs. Cas is breathing heavy, and his cock is wet where it bumps against Dean's thigh when he turns him onto his back. 

Dean just lays there, and time stands still for a second as he looks up at Cas, his skin shiny with sweat and oil. Cas leans over him, slowly lowering himself to cover Dean's body and he rocks his hips, sliding his cock along Dean's as he bites his bottom lip. 

Dean kisses him frantically, wrapping his legs around Cas' waist and thrusting his hips up hard. Cas kisses him with a passion that knocks the breath out of him, and Dean can do nothing but return with everything he's got, sucking on Cas' lip, and twining their legs together as they rock in tandem. 

When Cas wriggles away, he licks a line up the length of Dean's cock, and slips his mouth over the head, keeping his eyes focused on Dean's. His hips jerk up, but Cas does give him the satisfaction of control; he slides off Dean's cock with one quick motion and shuffles down to the end of the bed until he's kneeling on the floor. Dean sits up and frowns at him, and Cas curls his hand under his thighs and tugs Dean down to him. 

Dean shuffles down, framing Cas with his knees to give him better access, and Cas slicks his hands up with the massage oil again, stroking Dean's inner thighs before taking his length into his mouth again. Dean's hips stutter and he curls his fingers into the bedding. Cas takes him deep, cupping his balls with one had as his tongue traces a line down his cock and back up again. 

Cas holds nothing back when it comes to sucking Dean's cock, sliding up the underside and grazing his teeth against the sensitive flesh. Dean's hips stutter, shaking with every move Cas makes, and he can't keep his breathing steady. He's gonna come if Cas doesn't let up, and he's not going to finish early when they've finally got all of the space and time they could ask for. He pushes Cas off of him, and tugs him clumsily back onto the bed with a sloppy kiss. 

"You're too good at that," he huffs, pressing his nose against Cas' cheek, "you're gonna make me come too soon." 

"Too bad," Cas hums, catching Dean's mouth in a heated kiss, "I like making you squirm." He kisses him again, and Dean pulls him back onto the bed, rolling over so they're lying on their sides. He reaches a hand down between them, wrapping a hand around Cas' cock, and Cas jerks into the touch, moaning into his mouth. 

Cas shakes as he touches him, and Dean can't help the wave of pleasure that rolls over him that he can break through Cas' control. He rolls Cas onto his back and straddles him, jerking him with both hands until Cas leans up to kiss him. He keeps one hand on Cas' jaw, kissing him deeply as he slides his fingers through the pre-come at the head of his cock, using it as a lubricant as he squeezes Cas' shaft and strokes him firmly. 

"Fuck," Cas huffs, dropping back against the bed and thrusting up into Dean's hand. Dean rests back on his haunches, gasping as his cock brushes against the comforter, and he wraps his lips around the head of Cas' cock. 

Fuck, he's been waiting for this for too damn long. Cas is thick, and his cock pushes between Dean's lips, causing a ripple of pleasure that goes straight to Dean's cock. he sucks at the hard flesh, resisting the urge to rut against the bed. Dean fists his hands in the sheets, taking Cas as deep as he can and moaning around his cock, he licks a line back up to the head before sucking at the head, swallowing the pre-come that gathers on his tongue.

Cas groans, sliding his hands up the back of Dean's neck, "you like that, don't you?" he rasps, and all Dean can do is meet his gaze and nod, moaning around Cas' cock. "Oh fuck," he groans, thrusting up into Dean's mouth, "you feel so good."

Dean stills, encouraging Cas to fuck his mouth and Cas' fingers tighten in his hair as his hips roll forward, long and slow. Cas is careful not to push too far, but Dean is itching to feel his cock at the back of his throat. When Cas pauses, he sinks down as far as he can go, taking Cas' full length, and the not-so-gentle tug of his hair and Cas' graceless groan make it worth the fact that he can't really breathe. 

He pulls off and Cas tugs him up roughly, flipping him onto his back and kneeling over him. Dean tries to lift a hand and finds it pinned above his head. Cas just smiles down at him, pressing a finger back behind Dean's balls, and his eyes flutter shut. He moves to roll over, but Cas presses a hand to his shoulder. 

"I want to see you."

Dean drops immediately onto his back again, because hell, he can definitely get on board with that. He pulls his knees up on either side of Cas' hips and shifts down the bed a little. Cas presses in closer, until his cock bumps against Dean's, and he leans over him, leaving a cooling trail of kisses up his stomach until he reaches his neck. Cas drags his teeth over the line of his jaw as he adjusts himself, and Dean doesn't realize what he's doing until Cas' cock pushes against his hole. 

He pulls Cas' head up to him, gasping against his lips, and kisses him hard as Cas pulls back, "just hold on one second."

"Hurry," Dean grins. Cas is thankfully quick with the condom and lube, then he's back leaning over him. Cas pushes in steadily, but Dean can feel him holding himself back.

"I'm not gonna break," he mutters, and Cas just looks at him, dead in the eyes, before bottoming out in one final thrust that pulls all the breath from Dean's lungs. "Okay," he huffs, "I get it."

Cas chuckles and drops to his elbows, kissing Dean softly as he circles his hips. Dean groans against his mouth, curling one hand in Cas' hair. 

Cas lifts one of his legs, holding Dean's thigh against his hip as he rocks into him slow and hard. Dean squirms, trying to bring out the part of Cas that will pin him to the bed and fuck him into next week, but Cas clearly suspects something, and continues the slow roll of his hips, smirking as he kisses under Dean's ear. 

Dean fights him at every turn, trying to force Cas to speed up, but nothing works. He knows Cas is fucking with him, so he drops it, because Cas obviously has some plan or something, and he's never led Dean astray before. He settles back against the bed, shutting his eyes and lifting his hips with every thrust from Cas. He pulls him down, kissing him hard, and nipping at Cas' lip. Cas goes along with him but doesn't change his pace until Dean reaches between them, moving to wrap a hand around himself. 

Cas flicks his hand away, and pulls off of him, shifting onto his knees without pulling out. He rocks his hips forward, sliding his palm over the underside of Dean's cock. 

Dean looks up at him hopefully, a grin pulling at the corners of his mouth, "yeah?" he asks. 

Cas cocks an eyebrow at him, his face otherwise unchanged, "do you want to try something?"

"Maybe." 

Cas pulls out, shuffling backwards, and Dean looks up at him questioningly.

"Off the bed," Cas says, and Dean is quick to obey, standing with his back to the wall. He searches Cas for any hint of what to expect, but he gives nothing away. Cas slips off the edge of the bed and steps into Dean's space, not breaking eye contact. He pushes forward, wrapping one hand around the back of Dean's head and kissing him relentlessly. Dean's eyes flutter shut, and before he knows what's happening, Cas is spinning him around and walking him backward.

His hands find Dean's hips, and when his back hits the wall, they slip down to the back of his thighs, hoisting him up. Dean's eyes flash open as Cas adjusts, sliding into him with one seamless motion. 

"If you wanted me to lift you," Cas grunts, fitting himself against Dean's torso, "you could have just said so."

"I-" Dean starts, but he doesn't even know where he's going with that, so he shuts up.

"You don't have to be afraid to tell me what you want," Cas breathes, pressing hot kisses along the line of his jaw, "I don't know how far I can go with you."

That could lead into a very interesting conversation a little further down the line, but for the time being, all Dean can manage is, "you can do anything." He wraps his legs around Cas and curls his hands into his hair, "everything."

Cas kisses him full on the mouth, hot and desperate, and all Dean can do is hold on for dear life as Cas slams into him. It's a little uncomfortable the first time his back hits the wall, but from then on he's basically just held in place as Cas fucks him hard and fast. 

It doesn't take much before Dean's teetering over the edge. He bites his lip and wraps a hand around his cock, but Cas stops him, his breath hot against Dean's ear.

"Don't," he huffs, "don't touch yourself, I want you to come just on my cock. Do you think you can do that?" Cas pulls back to meet his gaze, and Dean nods enthusiastically. He's barely holding on as it is, and the way Cas' cock rubs against his prostate, it'll be a miracle if he lasts more than a minute. 

Dean slips his hands over Cas' shoulders, curling his fingers into the short hair at the base of his neck. That familiar heat coils in his gut and he bucks his hips, dropping his head forward against Cas'. 

"You're doing so well," Cas breathes, "so good for me." Dean groans and clenches his fists in Cas' hair, biting his lip so hard he's afraid he'll draw blood, but Cas keeps up a steady rhythm, fingers pressing into Dean's thighs. 

Dean's breath stutters, and he struggles to keep his composure as Cas breathes, "come for me," against his ear. Cas gives a few more quick, deep thrusts, and Dean shatters. He comes with a wavering moan, and Cas presses him flat against the wall, kissing him quiet and trapping his twitching cock between them. 

Cas drops to his knees as he comes. The friction of the wall against Dean's back hurts a little, but the desperate, praising words that drop from Cas' lips as he fucks into Dean is a pleasant distraction. They sit together in a heap for a while, with their foreheads pressed together, panting until Cas tips his head to catch Dean's lips in a soft kiss. 

When he finally catches his breath again, Dean rises to his knees, wobbling as he pulls of Cas' cock. He drops back onto the floor next to Cas and leans back against the wall, wincing a little at the pain. 

"Bed?" he asks, and Cas nods, leaning in to kiss him briefly before pulling himself to his feet, and holding out a hand to Dean. 

"I'm gonna go clean up," Cas nods toward the bathroom, "you-" Dean cuts him off with a shake of his head, and Cas chuckles as Dean stumbles toward his bed. He grabs the bottle of oil and the bag with the condoms and lube and shoves it onto the nightstand before shoving the blankets down and burying himself in them. He can hear Cas clattering around in the bathroom, and it brings a smile to his face to wonder what it would be like if he could always have this. 

Cas comes back into the room, distracting him from his fantasy, and Dean lifts the comforter in invitation. Cas grins at him and Dean wiggles back to make space as Cas climbs in beside him. He tangles their legs together, and shuts his eyes against the darkness, losing himself in the loose-limbed post-sex haze, and the heat radiating off of Cas. Soft lips press against his forehead, and Dean smiles to himself, genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.


	17. Chapter 17

Dean wakes up to Cas pressed against his back, the thick line of his cock slipping between his cheeks. He keeps his eyes shut, snuggling back against Cas' chest, turning to press a soft kiss to his lips.

"Good morning," Cas mumbles, nosing at Dean's ear. 

"Morning," Dean hums, "what time do you wanna get out of here?"

"Not too soon," Cas rubs his hand up Dean's thigh, rubbing his thumb over the most sensitive area. Dean opens his eyes and looks up at Cas, slipping his hand back to brush against Cas' cock. He curls his fingers around him, guiding the head of Cas' cock to his hole. He's still slick from the night before, and Cas slips in easily, but it's still a little uncomfortable at first. 

Cas' fingers dig into Dean's thigh and he groans in surprise, "fuck, Dean." He rolls his hips forward, using Dean's leg for leverage, "God, you feel good."

Cas fucks him hard and fast, pressed against him the whole time, and mumbling against his neck when his lips aren't stuck to Dean's. Dean strokes his cock, keeping his free hand buried in Cas' hair, and when he comes, he shoots between the sheets, moaning loudly until Cas presses a hand over his mouth. He chuckles lightly, but then Cas is coming, grinding into him and biting his shoulder, and suddenly it's not quite so funny anymore. 

Cas pulls him into the shower afterward and helps wash off the remaining gunk. He feels fucking fantastic, if not a little sore when they finish, and he's actually looking forward to the drive home, despite the fact that they're going home. 

Most of their stuff is already packed, so they don't have to do much, and Dean convinces Cas to spend the last hour before checkout chilling on the couch instead of getting breakfast because he's determined to keep this little bit of heaven as long as he can. 

They drive out just after noon, after a quick stop to get lunch because Dean hasn't eaten since dinner last night and he's starving. Normally, they would just eat on the road, but they stop at a viewpoint for half an hour before starting out again, because Cas has never been to South Dakota, and Dean wants to show him all his favourite places. Or as many as he can cram into the drive back home. 

They're just over the border into Nebraska when they drive past a fair, and Dean grins to himself, remembering the countless hours he and Sam spent begging to go to the fair whenever it was in town. Or even not in town; there were times they drove for hours just to go play rigged games and throw up because they ate too much candy before riding the spinning apples or something. 

"When was the last time you went to a fair?" he asks, just as a way to make conversation, but Cas' response surprises him.

"I don't know. Not since I was maybe five or six." He nearly pulls a u-turn right there and then, cautiousness be damned. 

"You what?"

"What?" Cas asks, turning to face him, "we were more a church on Sundays type of family."

"Dude! What are your plans for tonight?"

"By the time we get home, I'm probably just going to go to bed."

"Perfect," Dean grins, hauling on the wheel, "I am taking you to the fair."

\- - - - -

The air smells like cotton candy, mini donuts, and that disgusting shit they put on gravel to make it less dusty, and it's everything Dean remembers. He breathes the scent in deeply, and grins over at Cas, who seems a little overwhelmed by the sudden change of plans.

"Well, where do you want t start?" Dean asks.

"I think we need to start by buying tickets," Cas deadpans, and Dean just smirks at him, throwing an arm around his shoulders and guiding him toward the ticket booth.

"Naturally, but then what? I mean, you've got your rides, your food stalls, those shitty games that you can never win. What are you thinking?"

"Uh-" Cas gapes, "rides?"

"Good plan."

They buy enough tickets to keep them busy for _hours_ , and Dean's as happy as he was when he was ten and it was Sam he was pulling around behind him. His favourite ride is one of those gravity rides that spins you so fast you don't need to be buckled in. Cas looks at it sideways, but he agrees to go on, and Dean's practically giddy. 

As it turns out, Cas doesn't do heights so well, and from the second the whirling room leaves its base, his eyes are squeezed shut, and his hand is firmly clasped around Dean's. If he wasn't trying to show Cas a good time, he would take him on all the tallest rides, just so he could feel him a little closer for a little longer. He's thrilled when they stumble down the stairs, and Cas insists that they have to do that again. 

"Nah, dude, we've got a whole fair to get through, we can come back later."

He spends the next hour introducing Cas to all his favourite rides, but then Dean's stomach starts grumbling at him, and he figures it's a good time for a break. Instead of getting a burger and fries, Dean takes them to a variety of stalls: corn dogs, tornado potatoes, kebabs; anything he can find. They finish it off with an entirely unnecessary amount of mini donuts and find a spot to sit and watch the Square dancing competition that's currently taking place.

"These are wonderful," Cas mumbles, through a mouthful of donut.

"I told you," Dean grins, taking another bite. 

God, it's been too long since he's been able to just go out and have fun with someone. Sam's always too busy, and when they meet it's usually only for dinner, and Charlie's just, well she's a girl, and sometimes as much as he loves her, he just needs his guy time. Not that this is exactly a day at the ballpark; Cas is in a whole other realm of weird shit, but this is fun. He likes just sitting and eating and watching some contest that he doesn't really give two shits about. If he thinks too much about it, he realizes that the level of comfortability he has with Cas is probably just one more in a list of things that are screaming _back off_ at him, but he tries not to think too much about it. 

They sit and watch until only two couples are left, and by now they've chosen their favourites to win: Cas, the Smiths, and older couple probably in their sixties who have been in the contest every year since they were in their thirties, and Dean, the Andersons, a young couple just out of college. They wait up until the very end, when the Smiths are declared the champions, and Cas insists on waiting until the crowd disperses to congratulate them. 

Dean kind of hangs around at the edges, waving to the couple when Cas points him out to them. He didn't realize square dancing was going to be the highlight of the night, but if he can make Cas happy, who gives a damn what it is that does it. 

They tour the stalls for a little while afterward. There are dozens of little booths set up where people are selling their art or jewelry or clothing. It's kind of like a little hippy market, but it's also pretty cool, and Cas finds a ring that he insists would look good on Dean, and Dean maybe accidentally buys it and intends on wearing it every day for the rest of his life. It's silver with a hand hammered bronze band in the center, and something about it reminds him of Lord of the Rings. He slips it on his right ring finger when Cas isn't paying attention. 

It starts to get dark, but Dean has one more thing he wants to do before they leave, he just has to figure out how to get Cas to go along with it. They're strolling past the pop-up game stands, Dean with his hands shoved deep in his pockets, thinking about how he's going to do this when Cas suddenly tugs on his arm, and Dean realizes he's stopped a few steps back. 

"What's up?"

"Do you think I could win that?" Cas asks, nodding up toward a giant stuffed shark.

"Doing what?" Dean peeks over the counter at the game, "darts?"

"I've been known to play darts."

"Alright then, let's see it." Dean grins at him, standing off to the side as Cas pays for three throws and hits each one directly on the bullseye. Dean just gapes at him, and it's Cas' turn to grin back at him. "Okay, so lucky throws. Do it again."

Cas does, and Dean has nothing more to say. They walk away with the giant shark bobbing between them. 

"So, uh," Dean starts, kicking the dirt as he walks, "how do you feel about the ferris wheel?"

Cas stops and raises one eyebrow at him, and for a second Dean is reminded of the calm, commanding man that Cas can be, and his heartbeat stutters. 

"You know, I'm not fond of heights," he sighs, "but I do like the view."

"Do you wanna-" Dean asks, gesturing toward the ferris wheel with his hand still in his pocket.

"We could," Cas says, looking peculiarly at him, "if you want." Dean shrugs, and Cas hooks his arm around Dean's and pulls him toward the wheel. 

The line is fairly short considering it's the best time to go on, at least as far as Dean is concerned. They leave the shark with the attendant, and Dean sits down first, trying to stabilize the seat with his feet when Cas sits down next to him.

"Ah, yes. I forgot how much I hate these things," Cas says, frowning as the attendant pulls the guard across their laps. 

"You didn't have to come with me."

"You wanted to." 

Dean doesn't know what to say to that, so he just keeps quiet, and when Cas gasps and grabs his hand when the seat moves backward, he just twines their fingers together and looks out over the fair. Cas hums softly beside him, some song he recognizes but can't place, and Dean loves him so goddamn much. 

When they get to the top, they're overlooking a lake, and the sky is various shades of red and purple. It's beautiful, and if he squeezes Cas' hand just a little harder, well they're twenty feet up in the sky, and no one is there to see it. 

"It's beautiful," Cas breathes, and Dean just nods. It feels like there's something lodged in his throat, and he doesn't know what to say. Cas' head bumps against his shoulder, and Dean looks over, smiling down at him.

"This was fun. This fair, the trip. Thank you, Dean."

"It was your idea man, I just came along for the ride."

"You did more than that." 

The ride suddenly lurches forward again, and they're circling around now, the moment lost. Probably for the best, Dean reminds himself because he might end up doing something stupid like kissing Cas in public. Even if they're not at home, it's still not the smartest idea.

There's a loud crack as they're coming back down for the second time, and Dean turns to see fireworks over the lake. The darkening sky lights up with green and white and blue, and Dean grins up at them, tipping his head to rest on Cas'. When the ride stops, Dean hurries them back to the car, and they lie on the hood, staring up at the fireworks.

"Have you ever just wanted to drop everything and just... drive?" Cas asks.

"More than you can imagine."

"I've always wanted to drive across the country, but Meg doesn't like being trapped in a vehicle, so it's not really an option for me. I'd love to just go though, wherever I wanted. I'd lie in a field and watch the stars, or run into the waves of some secluded beach," he sighs. 

"That sounds amazing."

"Maybe we should go sometime. After everything settles down a little." 

Dean wants to say yes so badly, but he knows he shouldn't, so he says nothing, just nods against the car and folds his arms above his head. They watch the rest of the fireworks show in silence, and if it wasn't so cold with the sun down, Dean's pretty sure he would have fallen asleep. Once the fireworks are done, leaving nothing but a smoky trail in the black sky, Dean and Cas climb back into the car for the drive home. Dean's exhausted and he's not looking forward to the four hour drive back to Lawrence, but seeing the grin on Cas' face as they pull out of the parking lot makes everything worth it.

\- - - - -

When they get back to reality, Dean spends a lot of time on his own. Meg showed up for a surprise visit, and Cas is spending as much time with her as he can, and Dean just tries not to think too much about it, and buries himself in his work. He does a lot of calling around and ensuring everything is ready for the Jones wedding in a week, and a lot of hoping that everything runs smoothly.

He meets with Sam the night before because Sam - being literally the world's best brother - offered to work with him as a coordinator for the wedding. Lucky for him, Ally likes Sam, so things should go well. Still, there are things they need to go over, and Dean has come prepared. 

He slides a thick folder across the table to Sam, grinning at the horrified look he gets from his brother, "don't worry, it's not as bad as it seems."

"What is it?"

"A whole lot of timetables, and contact information for anyone and everyone involved in the wedding. The whole wedding party's info is in there, so if anyone's late or missing we can get hold of them and find out why and what their ETA is. Ally's been on bed rest because of stress so we need this go to as smoothly as possible."

"Alright," Sam flips through the folder, and a pile of cards falls out, "and these?"

"Spare place markers, in case of spills or fire."

"Fire?"

"I have had kids knock over candles and ruin entire tablecloths," Dean explains offhandedly, "speaking of which, if you do need extra tablecloths, just talk to Marion."

"Dude, I never realized how into this you were."

"I've been doing it for three years, and you're just getting that now? I mean, if I can't get my own life together, I may as well help other people get theirs together. This much of it, anyway."

Sam continues looking through the folder until, their food comes, and he slides it aside to eat. Dean continues flipping through his own copies to ensure he has everything, only pausing to eat a fry or two when Sam reminds him it's going to get cold. He adds all the phone numbers into his phone under one name to keep them all organized in case of emergency.

When he's done that, and after Sam has forced him to finish his dinner, he shoots off a quick text to Marion to make sure everything's going well on their end, and see if there's anything he needs to pick up in the morning before he heads over.


	18. Chapter 18

The next morning is surprisingly not hectic. Dean picks up breakfast en route to Ally's house and manages to down half his coffee before he gets through the door. Sam is already there waiting for him, talking to the girls as they get their hair and makeup done. They've got a makeshift salon set up in the middle of the living room, and Ally is directly in the center, beaming at anything and everything.

"Hey, Dean!" she calls, turning to face him. 

"How's everything going here?" he asks.

"Perfect," Ally beams, "thank you so much for your suggestions, Timothy is a fantastic stylist."

"See," Dean grins, "I do know a thing or two about weddings."

The ceremony is due to begin at ten, so Dean drives to the venue with them, leaving Sam alone with the small group of people to start setting up for the reception. Dean helps Ally out of the car, carrying the train of her dress, alongside her Maid of Honour, and he watches the beginning of the ceremony before heading back to help out Sam and the others once everything is underway. 

The catering company is already there, and Dean is so thankful that they all showed up because he had to beg and plead for them to come to the house. The head chef greets Dean cheerfully enough, and Dean thanks him and his crew again for coming. He shows them around and helps to set up the buffet tables.

His phone buzzes in his pocket as he's unfolding one of the tables, and he excuses himself to check his texts. He knows it's Cas because Cas has been texting him all morning, so he ducks into a hallway to check his phone.

_> > How was the ceremony?_

_**< < Ongoing. Sam and I are back at the house to set up.** _

_> > Good._

Sam pokes his head around the corner, "hey, we have a huge floral arrangement that just arrived? Where is that going- who are you talking to?"

"Between the two buffet tables in front of the windows. It's Cas, he's asking how the wedding is going."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," Dean replies absentmindedly. 

_> > I wish I was with you._

Dean's skin heats up and he's glad the hall is dark so Sam can't see the colour of his face. Apparently, it doesn't matter, because Sam clears his throat and gives him a questioning look, "was that one Cas too?"

"No," Dean stumbles, "that was- no one, it doesn't matter."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, really. You wanna go deal with that arrangement, and I'll come find you in a minute."

"Alright." Sam walks away and Dean turns back to his phone.

**_< < What are you up to _ **

_> > Shopping with Meg and her best friend. I keep getting left outside because she doesn't want me to see any part of her outfit for the wedding. _

_**< < Dude, that sucks. ** _

_> > Tell me about it_

He can see Sam waving at him from across the room, and he types out a final message to Cas before shoving his phone back in his pocket and heading back out to help. 

Dean doesn't get another chance to slip away until after Ally and Jamie arrive, and they're so busy talking to everyone that no one misses the wedding planner. He sneaks off into the hall, sitting on the floor at the end, and pulls his phone out again. 

He relays the events of the wedding to Cas, and in turn, he gets to hear all about Cas' shopping trip with the girls, most of which consists of him sitting outside various women's shoe stores. Dean doesn't even care; he's just glad to have Cas to talk to. He manages to spend a good half hour talking to Cas before Sam comes to get him because apparently, Ally wants pictures with him. 

He and Sam manage to sneak off just after ten, and Dean falls into bed half an hour later, exhausted, but genuinely happy. He sends off one last text to Cas before he goes to bed, and curls up in his blankets. 

Dean spends most of the rest of the month on his own. He has one Skype call with Cas and Meg to figure out how her things are going, especially after Cas' shopping adventure. It's so much easier to get things done when Meg is around, so to speak, and he feels a little better talking with her than he did the last time. It's going well until Dean notices a box of condoms in the background, casually placed on the bedside table, and he loses all focus. Meg seems oblivious, to Dean's suddenly lack of concentration, but Cas notices immediately, though he just gives Dean a sort of sad and regretful look, rather than bring it up. Dean's glad that he stays quiet because the last thing he needs is to try and explain why he's acting so strange. 

He's such a fucking moron. Obviously Cas and Meg are going to have sex, she's been gone forever, and they're fucking engaged. He's not sure when he became so good at deluding himself, but he's done it, and now that the Jones wedding is over and done with, he has nothing to distract himself. 

He needs something to focus on, especially seeing as Cas and Meg are taking a pre-wedding vacation to spend some time together. He's not prepared to take on any new clients and is actually considering taking a break from weddings once he's done with the Novaks - though he plans on never, ever telling Benny that he was right - so he's going to need something to take up his time. Charlie's got her own stuff going on what with the whole starting a family thing, and Sam's got... well, Sam's got something, and that's basically the extent of the people he hangs out with. Benny works too much, and most of his other friends are either work friends or just acquaintances. 

He's never been one for hobbies, other than occasionally working on his car, but at the moment, it's too fucking cold out, and there's not a whole lot to do; his baby is pretty damn perfect just the way she is. The idea of working on his office passes briefly through Dean's mind, but that's a whole lot of effort he just doesn't have right now, because then he'd have to go out and buy furniture and paint and probably new carpet - no; too much effort right now. 

It's nearing the end of the month when Dean comes up with the perfect idea. The timing is perfect, because Cas is leaving in a few days, and he's going to need Cas out of the way if he's going to pull this off. He's also going to need Ash's help.

\- - - - - 

Dean's last appointment with Cas ends up having to be pushed back, so he won't even see him before he leaves, and Dean sulks around for the rest of the day. He calls Ash that night after Benny goes to work, because he doesn't need anyone asking what he's doing, and why.

"Ash here."

"Hey, dude, it's Dean."

"Dean, how's it goin'? This about that client of yours?"

"No. Well, yeah, but not about the photography stuff. I'm trying to track someone down."

"Why?" Ash asks, and yeah, that's a fair question. A little awkward to explain, but fair.

"This person is important to my client, and I'm doing it as a personal favour to him."

"Huh. And you want my help?"

"If you've got the time, I don't know anyone better."

"What about Sam?" Ash asks, and yeah, that's another fair fucking question that's even more awkward to answer than the first.

"Well, yeah, but Sam's got his own shit going on and he's not totally on board with this plan of mine."

"There somethin' I should know about this little side project of yours?" he asks, skeptical as always. 

"Nothing important." He can picture the look on Ash's face as he mulls it over, and he silently pleads that he'll agree, because he really, _really_ doesn't want to ask Sam for help on this one.

"Yeah, I can probably help you track someone down. Who is this person?"

"I don't know a lot about her, I think she was born in Lawrence? Maybe somewhere in Boston?"

"What's this mystery woman's name?"

"Anna Novak."


	19. Chapter 19

With Cas gone and Ash working on his 'project', Dean finds himself checking and double-checking bookings and dates for the Novak wedding, and he hates it. It feels like forever since they've done any actual wedding planning, and thinking about Cas and Meg tying the knot just makes him want to throw up. He wants so badly to quit, and to move on with his life, but he knows he won't; he can't just up and quit on them with no explanation, and giving an explanation would be worse, even if he were to leave Cas' part in the whole disaster out of it. Besides, he wouldn't move on anyway, so he would make an idiot out of himself for nothing. 

For two weeks, his life goes back to normal, aside from the gaping hole in his life that is Cas-shaped and hurts a lot more than it should. Benny starts working less, and Dean is thrilled when Benny tells him he's even taking a week off to go visit family, up until the point that Dean realizes that leaves him alone in the house for a week. Still, he's happy for Benny, because the dude seriously needs a fucking break. 

As it turns out, having the house to himself clears his head, and he thinks a lot about his life, lying awake in the dark with a bottle of whisky and Fleetwood Mac playing in the living room. He thinks about Benny, and he thinks about Cas, and Meg and the fact that Charlie and Gilda are building a family, and he doesn't know where he fits into any of this anymore. Benny sure as fuck doesn't need him for anything other than a quick fuck, and even that's becoming less and less frequent. Cas and Meg are getting married in 8 months and then they'll both be out of his life. Best case scenario: he has a new, happily married best friend. Worst case: he loses the love of his life. 

He pauses, setting the bottle back down on the floor, because he's never thought about it like that, but yeah, Cas is different than anyone he's ever been with, different than anyone he's ever known. Christ, he barely even admitted to himself that he loved Lisa and he was ready to marry her. Dean closes his eyes against the thought, willing it away, and focusing instead on the music filling the room. 

It's only six, but Dean's considering going to bed because he's got nothing better to do with his time, until his phone bleeps next to him on the couch. He unlocks it to find one new text message. 

_ >> I just got in. I miss you._

Dean taps out an instant reply, then deletes it and stares at his phone for five minutes, trying to figure out what to say. 

**_< < You too man, what's up?_ **

_> > Meg went back to Boston. I want to see you._

His stomach flips, and he knows he should make up an excuse, but he hasn't seen Cas for a fucking month, and he misses him like he never even thought possible.

**_< < I'm alone. _ **

_> > Be there in 5._

Dean sits up, anxiously tapping his fingers on his phone as he waits for the knock on the door. He feels like he's going to be sick, like this is the first time they've done something stupid like this, but then again, it kind of is. There's no pretense this time; no pretending this is an accident. Cas wants to see him, and Dean wants everything Cas is willing to give. 

When the knock comes, Dean nearly trips over the coffee table in his rush to get up. He hurries into the kitchen and pauses for a second before tugging open the door. There's a moment's pause in which all the air seems to be sucked from Dean's lungs, and then Cas is on him, kissing him hurriedly, and pushing his hands up under Dean's shirt. Cas kicks the door closed behind them and walks Dean back toward the living room.

" _Fuck_ , I missed you," he breathes, pulling away just long enough to get Dean's t-shirt over his head. 

"Me too," Dean huffs, tilting his head to press his nose against Cas' cheek. He fumbles with Cas' belt as he kisses him again, barely breathing against Cas' lips. Cas is hard against him, and Dean's body reacts quickly, rolling instinctively against him with every press of Cas' hips, and he's never been so eager to get out of his clothes. 

The coffee table gets shoved to one side, and then he's being pushed down onto the couch. Cas stands over him, bending to cup his chin and kiss him passionately, then he's dropping to his knee and pulling Dean's pants and underwear down in one tug. He runs a hand up Dean's stomach and seals his mouth around the head of Dean's cock. Dean's whole body jerks forward and he slouches against the back of the couch, curling his fingers into Cas' hair as pleasure sparks up his spine. 

" _Ah_ , Cas-" he moans, biting down hard on his bottom lip. Cas hums around him, and the vibrations render Dean limp, both arms falling to the side as Cas' lips move over the heated flesh of his cock. It's too fucking much, and Dean pushes his fingers down the side of the couch cushion, clutching it as if it's the only thing that will keep him from flying off. 

Cas sinks down all the way, and when Dean's cock hits the back of his throat it's all over. He tries to hold his composure, but Cas can sense him losing control or something, and he pulls back, sucking at the head while his fingers wrap around the base of his cock, jerking him quickly. 

When Dean's orgasm hits, it's so fucking quick that he's almost too embarrassed to enjoy it, but Cas' tongue circles his head, leaving him little choice in the matter. He doesn't let up, even when Dean's shaking from the oversensitivity, and breathing in quick little bursts. It's too much, but it's too good to stop, and he sinks a little further into the couch, whimpering with every pass of Cas' tongue. 

When he pulls off, Cas slides up between Dean's legs, slipping his arms around Dean's waist to pull him down to the floor with him. He startles when Dean kisses him, but easily melts into it as Dean curls his arms around his neck. His tongue traces the seam of their lips, sliding easily into Dean's mouth with a soft moan. 

Dean shifts in his lap, shuddering when Cas' fingers brush against his soft cock. He works open the button on Cas' jeans and undoes the zipper as far as he can manage in this position, pulling his jeans open to reveal the swollen head of Cas' cock, pinned against his abdomen. He brushes his fingertips over the tip, reveling in the little twitches in Cas' hips and the heady moans that get lost between their lips. 

Cas breaks their kiss before Dean can do much more than rub the head of his cock, running his hands down Dean's thighs, "can we move this to your room?"

Dean nods enthusiastically, rising with some difficulty and pulling Cas after him. He kicks his pants off his ankles and pulls Cas in for another kiss, vaguely aware of the music still playing in the background, as he leads Cas into the bedroom. 

He leaves the door open, and drops down onto the bed, tugging Cas' shirt over his head before pulling him down on top of him. Cas drops to his elbows, kissing Dean's neck, and Dean takes the opportunity to push Cas' loose jeans down over his ass, encouraging their full removal. 

Cas turns onto his side, wriggling the rest of the way out of his pants, and Dean aligns himself next to him, running a hand up Cas' chest. I love you, he thinks, so hard he thinks Cas might actually hear him, _I love you so fucking much._

"I missed this," Cas breathes, resting a hand on Dean's hip as he shuffles forward, "I shouldn't, but I did."

In the living room, Dean can hear the record switch over, and the soft tones of Elvis' _Can't Help Falling in Love_ fill the air. He shuts his eyes and slips his knee between Cas' thighs. The first time he heard this song, he never understood how you couldn't help but love someone. Granted, he had been thirteen, and was yet to experience any form of love other than familial, but it hits hard now, and he;s afraid if he opens his eyes he's going to do something stupid like telling Cas exactly how he feels. 

Instead, he curls his fingers around Cas' erection to distract himself from everything else, "you're still hard," he breathes, then for good measure, "tell me what to do."

Cas exhales slowly, pushing his cock between Dean's fingers, "just touch me," he mumbles against Dean's forehead, and yeah, he can do that. He slides in close next to Cas, tucking his head under Cas' chin, and slides his fingers along Cas' length. Cas' fingers press under his chin, tilting his head up to press their lips together, and Dean switches hands, propping himself up to run his fingers through Cas' hair. 

He works Cas over slowly, keeping his pace steady and firm, and Cas matches it with the thrust of his hips. When his thrusts become erratic, Dean slides down the bed, taking the full length of Cas' cock in his mouth, and cradling his balls with his free hand. Cas comes quickly, his hips bucking hard against the back of Dean's throat, his hands fisted in his hair. Dean keeps going through it, even as Cas' cock slams into him, and when Cas collapses onto his back, Dean pulls off of him slowly and curls up next to him, one arm thrown over his stomach. 

"That was fantastic," Cas murmurs, pressing a lazy kiss to Dean's forehead. Dean hums his agreement, hooking his knee around Cas' leg. He listens to the sound of Cas' breath above his ear, and the lyrics of _Love Me Tender_ floating in from the other room. 

Dean wakes to the sound of the front door opening, and he just snuggles back into his blanket until he realizes that Benny is supposed to be out of town, and no one is supposed to be opening his front door. His eyes flash open and he sits bolt upright, looking around the room. He instantly panics, because Cas is not there, and Cas' pants still are, and someone is coming into his house, and he is so, so fucking screwed. 

There's an awkward, "shit! sorry- wait-" and Dean just waits for the end of the sentence, because that's Charlie's voice, and she has made it very clear how she feels about this whole thing. Cas steps awkwardly back into the bedroom, and is thankfully wearing his underwear, but it doesn't do anything to calm Dean's nerves when he sees the look on his face.

He looks like he wants to say something, but doesn't know what to say, and Dean can sympathize. He pulls a pair of sweatpants out of his dresser and tugs them on quickly, sparing an apologetic look to Cas before walking out to meet his inevitable doom. 

"What the fuck are you doing," Charlie hisses at him, the second he's in her line of vision, "I thought we'd been over this."

"I know, okay," Dean shoots back, barely able to control the level of his own voice, "I don't know what to tell you."

"You had better call me the second he leaves here."

"Yeah, okay."

"I will break in if have to," she says finally, turning on her heel and heading for the door. Dean leans against the doorway, runs a hand through his hair. He squeezes his eyes shut resists the urge to punch something. 

Warm hands slide up his arms, and he can't bear to look Cas in the face, "I'm sorry," is all he can manage, and Cas nods. 

"She didn't seem surprised."

"No," Dean admits, "I asked her to drive me to pick up the Impala after that night up the road. She kinda put two and two together, I should have told you."

"Maybe," Cas sighs, "but it doesn't matter now, and I doubt that it would have changed anything."

"I'm sorry. I told her I'll talk to her later."

"Okay. I should probably get going anyway."

" _Fuck_ ," Dean curses.

"Hey," Cas breathes, tipping his chin up, "don't worry about it. There's nothing we can do about it. Just tell her the truth."

Cas pulls away before Dean can ask the nagging question is it? He dresses himself quickly and Dean stays exactly where he is, arms crossed and mind racing. Cas tugs him into the kitchen when he leaves, and presses a soft kiss to his lips.

"I'm glad you're home," Dean mumbles, and Cas offers a soft smile in return.

"Me too," he agrees before heading out the door.

\- - - - - 

When Charlie comes back, she's less thunderstorm and more rain on your day off, but Dean still places himself as far away from her as he can. There's a heavy silence over them, and Dean has no idea how to start this conversation. Luckily - or maybe not - Charlie breaks the silence.

"This is fucked up, Dean."

"You've said that before. More than once."

Charlie sighs, "you know, I think she's cheating too. Not that that makes this any better, but the long hours, the barely being around? Not even being in the same state?"

"That doesn't make me feel any better," Dean shrugs.

"Good. It shouldn't." 

Dean feels like shit, and the last thing he wants right now is to have all of this thrown back in his face, but he knows that Charile's right. He's known all along that this thing they have is all kinds of fucked up, but he's in too deep now, and whatever happens, he loses. 

"What about Meg?"

"What _about_ Meg?"

Charlie fixes his with a stare that makes him feel like the stupidest person in the universe, "what do you think she would do, if she found out?"

"Fire me," is the instant response, but of course there's more than that, "I don't know what she'd do about Cas, but I'd be done."

"And then what?"

"I don't know!" Dean shouts, frustrated, "I wasn't thinking about Meg when it first happened. The only time we ever talk to her is when we're talking about the wedding. It's like when I'm with him, nothing else exists. I don't know how else to explain it. He makes me happy, and when I'm with him, I'm not thinking about any of that other stuff. _God_ , I just..." he trails off with a sigh. "I don't know what to do, Charlie. Either way, I fucking lose. I either fuck up all our lives, or I lose the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't know if I can do that, I don't know if I can go on with my life knowing that out there, there's someone so perfect and I might never lo-" he cuts himself off with the realization that he's said too much, and Charlie looks at him with something like sympathy.

She lets out a long sigh, and rubs her hand over Dean's knee, "you love him, don't you?"

Dean's eyes fall shut on their own, "so much."

"Oh, Dean," she sighs, "why couldn't you have met someone outside of work? I'm sure there are dozens of people who would kill to date you."

Dean snorts, "I've been asking myself the same question for months."

"I take it Benny doesn't know?"

"Fuck no." Charlie actually laughs at that, and Dean pulls up a little grin.

"That's probably for the best. Are you gonna keep seeing him?"

"Who," Dean asks humourlessly, "Cas or Benny?"

Charlie frowns, "Cas, you moron."

"You sure you want to know the answer to that?"

"No," Charlie shakes her head, "but I didn't expect you to say no."

"I'm a fucking idiot."

"Kind of, but I still love you."

"Thanks," Dean pauses, staring down at his hands between his knees, "What did you stop by for anyway?"

"I needed my D&D book that I left here last week. I told you I was gonna stop by after work and get it."

"Fuck," Dean groans, "of course you did."

"Don't worry about it," she says, rising from her seat on the couch, "I got it. I'm gonna head home and pretend none of this happened, and I got held up in traffic, okay?"

"Yeah. Loud and clear. Seeya Charlie."

"Have a good night, Dean. What's left of it."

"Thanks Charlie, you too."

Dean goes back to regretting the last three months of his life, and wishing he had remembered Charlie was stopping by. The blankets still smell like Cas, and he doesn't want to deal with that right now. Why couldn't he have just met some random girl at a bar and fallen in love with her? Why does he have to want the one person who is so fucking wrong for him? And maybe that's the worst part - that Cas isn't bad for him, the situation is another matter, but if Cas was single when they met, it would be a whole other story.

\- - - - -

Ash gets back to him the next day, and he's not exactly in the mood to try and reunite siblings, but it will give him something to think about, so he takes the address and phone number and sits around in the living room for half an hour until he can work up the courage to call Anna. When he does, he holds the phone up to his ear and paces the living room until a sweet sounding voice picks up.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hi- is this Anna Novak?"

There's a pause, "It's Milton now, but yes." She sounds hesitant and Dean doesn't blame her, but he reminds himself that all this awkwardness is for Cas, and it gives him a little encouragement.

"My, uh, my name's Dean Winchester, and I'm sorry to interrupt your day. I'm a friend of your brother's-"

"If you're calling for Luke, you can tell him to shove it."

"No no no," Dean hurries, afraid that she'll hang up on him, "It's Cas."

"Castiel?"

"Yeah. He's a good friend of mine, and I- well honestly I don't know what the hell I'm doing right now, but I know that Cas misses you, and he wants to see you again, and I don't know? Maybe I was hoping that you'd want to see him again too, but now I just kind of feel like an idiot, and I'm rambling now, I'm sorry." Dean winces at himself and listens for a reply.

"He has no idea that you're calling me, does he?"

"Not a one," Dean admits. "Look, I know this is weird, and probably really annoying, and I'm sorry, I was just hoping you might want to get in touch with your brother."

"I do miss Cas."

"He misses you too," Dean offers, "He's getting married, you know."

"I didn't know. Who is she?"

"Her name's Meg. She seems nice."

"You don't sound convinced."

"I don't know her very well," he lies. 

"Did Cas tell you to find me?" she asks.

"No I told you, Cas has nothing to do with this. I wanted to see if you were even interested before I said anything to him."

"I don't want anything to do with Luke or Gabriel, but I would like to see Cas again."

"You have no idea what this will mean to him. When are you available? Cas and I have a meeting on Wednesday if you can make it to Kansas by then?"

"Yeah, I can probably do that. Do you have a number I can call you at? In case I get lost or something comes up."

"Yeah, for sure," Dean rattles off his cell number and the address of the cafe, and Anna smiles softly up at him.

"Cas is back in Lawrence?"

"Yeah, for a few months now."

"Huh."

"Thank you so much, Anna. Cas is going to be thrilled to see you again."

"Thank _you_ , Dean. I've been holding a grudge against my family for years, and it'll be good to see Cas again."

"Until then," Dean smiles, ending the call, and dropping onto the couch. He's so excited he can't stand it, and he's never looked forward to a meeting this much in his life.


	20. Chapter 20

Dean meets Cas at the cafe as planned, and sits them down at a table by the window so he can keep an eye out for Anna. He tries his best to stay focused on flower arrangements, but he honestly can't think about anything else. He sees when she pulls up, but doesn't realize it's her until she waggles her fingers at him though the window. Dean beams at her and waves back as subtly as he can manage. 

She's beautiful, though Dean would never expect the relation between her and Castiel, and his heart thumps against his chest as he watches Cas' face for any change. He gets a questioning look in return, and he knows he's acting weird, but he's just so excited. Anna walks in the front door and starts toward their table, and Dean can barely hold still.

"Castiel?" she asks.

Cas' head whips around faster than Dean's ever seen, and he looks between the two of them for a good thirty seconds, his expression stuck somewhere between shock and disbelief. 

"Anna?" he asks, and she smiles brightly down at him.

"Hey, little brother."

Cas stands up and throws his arms around her, and Dean packs up all the wedding stuff, slipping it back into his bag.

"I'm gonna head out," he nods toward the door, "let you two talk." He sneaks out and heads home before his dinner with Sam that night, hoping that everything goes well for Cas and Anna.

\- - - - -

"So," Sam starts through a moutful of fries, "how was your day?"

"I tracked down Cas' sister that he hasn't seen in years and reunited them. Y'know, same old."

"You tracked down his sister? On your own?"

"Well, Ash helped. He did most of it, really. It was just my idea."

"You're really pulling out all the stops for this guy, aren't you?"

"What?" Dean asks, pretending like he doesn't know exactly what Sam's implying.

"Uh, I don't know, the fact that you don't get close to your clients? That you've always kept your personal and private life totally serparate, and now suddenly you're finding lost siblings for this guy and bringing him to games night?"

"Cas doesn't have a lot of friends in the area-"

"Don't pull that," Sam says, "there's something different about him, isn't there?"

"We're friends," Dean admits, "that's all it is. And it's not like you're one to talk, Mr. missing all our dinners and acting like you're living some sort of double life."

"And you haven't?"

Dean sighs, "I've been seeing someone." It's not totally a lie, and it's not like Sam is being truthful with him either, so he doesn't really feel that bad about it. 

"You've been what?"

"Don't get too excited, it's not like there's any long-term commitment here. It's just a thing. We're not doing the whole family thing because it's not going to go anywhere, but what about you?"

Sam gets this weird grin on his face, and looks down at his plate, "I have a date next weekend."

"Okay, so what about the last two dozen times." Sam just scowls across at him, and okay, two dozen times is a bit of an exaggeration, but _still_. 

"It's a 6th date."

"Wow," Dean whistles, "you're pretty serious about this girl, aren't you?"

"I dunno," Sam shrugs, "it's a pretty casual thing." If Dean knows anything about his brother, he knows that a- he doesn't treat dating like other people, and pretty much anything he gets himself into is serious, and b- he's sending off about a thousand _I'm lying_ signals. Dean has always been the better liar. 

"Six dates is not casual, Sammy." He gets another bitchface for that one, and the booth falls silent. Whatever, let Sam pretend that this thing is nothing, and they can go on lying to each other for another few months; at least Dean can admit that his thing is a thing, as much as it fucking sucks. 

They finish their meal in silence, and head out. In the parking lot, Dean stops, pulling Sam back with a firm hand on his shoulder.

"Hey," he says, before they can actually go off and not talk to each other for a week, "I'm sorry. You know what you're doing, but I also know you, and I know that six dates? That's pretty damn serious for you, even if it isn't for her." Sam's frown stays firmly in place. "Come on man, I'm happy for you. It's been a long time since you've seen someone more than once right? Not since Sarah?"

"Yeah," Sam mutters, and Dean can't figure out why he just keeps scowling.

"So this is good. When do I get to meet her?"

Sam huffs a laugh, like Dean should know that's the stupidest question he's ever asked.

"What?"

"It's complicated, Dean," Sam sighs, "and you're right, this is important to me, and I don't wan to mess it up. I've rushed into things too many times in the past, and this one just feels different, y'know? I want to make sure that we're ready before I start introducing her to my family."

"Yeah, I get that." He wants to say so much more, but that would just lead to more questions that he doesn't want to be asked, so he shuts up. 

"Thanks," Sam says. 

"You're gonna tell me if anything major happens though, right?"

Sam chuckles and shakes his head, "yeah, I'll let you know if we get married."

"Shut up, bitch."

"Jerk," Sam grins. 

"I'll see ya later Sammy."

"Night, Dean."

When Dean gets back to the house, he's actually happy that no one else is around. He flicks on the TV in the living room and settles in with a bag of chips, wiggling back intot he corner of the couch. This is actually something he could get used to, and maybe he should - he's thirty, he doesn't need a roommate, especially one who he has an awkward friends-with-benefits relationship with. 

When he thinks about it, it doesn't make sense. He's not trying to find someone because he's got Cas, and Benny's always there in the background, even if they don't actually sleep together as often as they used to - at all, really. Maybe he should just call if off. The whole point of it in the first place was because they were both so busy, and didn't want to be tied down to a relationship, but it's kind of backfired. If he ends this thing with Benny, once the Novak wedding is done with, he can start to focus on himself again. Maybe he'll get his own place, too. 

With that thought, he pushes himself up off the couch and heads to the kitchen to dig through the recycling for the most recent newspaper. When he finds it, he spreads it out on the coffee table and flips through to the classified section.

\- - - - -

Dean thinks a lot about it over the next little while, making mental lists of everything he's going to have to do if he's serious about moving out. He'll have a little while, because he's not just gonna fuck off and leave Benny to deal with the house, so it's not urgent, but the more he thinks about it, the more excited he is to get out and find his own place.

Before he knows it, it's Sam's birthday. He sends him a quick text that morning because they don't have any plans, and he's not sure if Sam wants to do anything anyway. He gets a text back a few hours later asking if he doesn't mind doing something in a few days because he's going out of town with the mystery girl. Dean agrees, because he's happy for his brother, and because he _really_ loves him, he doesn't even point out that taking trips with someone is pretty serious. A little voice in the back of his head reminds him of the weekend he spent with Cas is Sioux Falls, but he elects to ignore it. They make a plan to meet the following Monday for breakfast, as Sam will be going back to work, and Dean is free pretty much whenever he wants now. 

When the day rolls around, Dean's excited about it. He's got breakfast with Sam, and he's going to ask him what he thinks about Benny, and then he's got a meeting with Cas in the afternoon. They haven't seen much of each other in the last few weeks, so he's looking forward to it again, even if they are just doing wedding stuff. 

Sam's already at the cafe when he gets there, and there are coffee and orange juice waiting for him. He smiles at Sam and slides out his chair to sit down. There's something off about his brother, but he can't pinpoint what it is. Initially, he thinks maybe something happened on his trip, but Sam doesn't seem upset, just kind of nervous. 

"What's up?" Dean asks, and Sam looks up like he's only just realized Dean has joined him,

"Oh, uh, not much. You?"

"I actually wanted to talk to you about something, if that's cool?"

"Yeah, uh. Me too." The way Sam says it is like it's a conversation that he doesn't want to have, and Dean's mind immeditaelty goes to Cas. He knows Charlie wouldn't tell anyone, but what if Sam saw or heard something he wasn't supposed to? It's not like he doesn't have a key to the house in case of emergencies. His mind is racing, struggling to come up with a solution, that he doesn't hear the beginning of the Sam's next sentence, but when it finally registers, everything comes to a screeching halt.

"You _what_?" he demands, and Sam sighs heavily, his shoulders dropping.

"I said, it's Jo."

"What's Jo?" Dean scowls, though he already knows the fucking answer.

"The girl I've been seeing. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to freak out."

"What the fuck, Sam?"

"Dude, I know how you felt about Jo, but it just happened okay? I didn't do this to piss you off."

"And you couldn't have told me when you first started thinking about it? You decided to wait until now? As if I don't have enough shit to deal with," the last bit he mumbles to himself, but Sam looks at him sideways. 

"What shit are you dealing with?"

"You know what, no, it's none of your fucking business - fuck this," Dean pushes back out of his seat, disregarding whatever the fuck Sam is spluttering at him because he's so fucking pissed. He would have been fine, if Sam had just fucking said something from the beginning, but this means Jo has been lying to him too, and he fucking hates that. She's one of his oldest friends, and neither of them cared enough to fucking mention that hey, they were thinking about dating, just a heads up. 

He storms out of the cafe and doesn't stop until he's at home in his bedroom. He's got a meeting in a couple hours, and he wanted to talk to Benny before that, so he's got to calm himself down, or the whole day is gonna go down like breakfast, and end up a complete write-off. He puts on on of his favourite Zeppelin albums and pulls his laptop onto his lap on the bed to look through rentals and see what he can see.

By noon, he's feeling a little better, and he's atually found a couple of houses that are within his budget, and closer than he expected to find. He bookmarks the pages and makes a mental note to call and ask about open houses before closing his compuer and pushing himself up off the bed. He's not looking forward to talking to Benny, but they've known each other long enough that he's not worried about the outcome, and besides they'd always been friends before lovers, even at the height of their relationship. 

Benny's sitting at the kitchen table with a slice of toast in his mouth when Dean finds him. He sits down next to him, and leans on the table.

"Can we talk?" he asks, and Benny nods. "I've been thinking a lot about stuff lately, relationships and whatnot."

"Dean," Benny starts softly, "we've talked about this before-"

"No, that's not-" Dean cuts him off, and he sighs. He might as well get this over with quickly, "I think we should stop this. Neither of us are going to move on with our lives if we're relying on each other. I was thinking of maybe getting my own place, maybe start dating again."

"Good for you," Benny grins, "just remember not to go for the married guys next time."

Dean pauses for a second before realizing it was a joke, "really dude? I'm effectively breaking up with you, and that's all you have to say?"

Benny just shrugs, "it's not like we've been together much in the last six months anyway. I work too much, and you've been too caught up with Novak. You're right, we should do our own thing, and maybe you should take a break from weddings for a bit, it'd be good for you."

"I've thought about it, but I can't just fuck off on Cas and Meg now, with their wedding partially planned."

"Fair point, but after."

"Yeah, maybe," Dean pauses, and they fall into a comfortable silence as Benny finishes the rest of his toast, and Dean thinks over everything he's been planning. "Thanks," he says suddenly.

"For what?"

"This is probably the easiest conversation I will have all day. I've only been up for four hours and I've already managed to get into a fight with Sam."

Benny claps a hand on his shoulder, "you know I'm always here if you need anything, and Sam's not going anywhere, I'm sure whatever it is you two will figure it out. You always do."

"Yeah," Dean agrees, though he's not totally sure he means it, "thanks. I should get going though, I have to meet Cas in half an hour, and I still have to sketch out a rough timeline for him." He gets up and puts his stuff together, deciding that the timeline can wait until he meets with Cas. 

As he drives to the diner they decided on, he starts to wonder if he's making the right decisions. Sure, not having Benny around all the time will be great if he starts dating, but it's been ten years and no one's shown any long-term interest in that time, so what's going to be different now? He knows Charlie will be happy, and help him in any way she can, even if he doesn't want her help, but the prospect of living alone is suddenly looming. 

Cas is waiting outside for him, and he greats Dean with a grin, but Dean can't manage the same enthusiasm. They find a quiet spot in the back because Dean actually wants to do work today, so that he can get home and hopefully sleep for the rest of the week so he doesn't have to deal with his life. It's quiet, and their server isn't overly cheery, which Dean highly appreciates. 

He lays out papers over the table, setting them into categories: things they've confirmed, things they still have to decide on, and the final, smallest pile is bits and pieces they haven't made any progress on at all. 

"Right now, what we have to do is go through our timeline and look at what is done and what is not," he explains, and Cas just nods along with him, giving Dean sympathetic looks that he tries to ignore.

"You still wanted to go with the vendors we decided on right?"

"Of course, I was very happy with them, and Meg agrees."

"Perfect, so you just need to pay a deposit then, in case of cancellation or whatnot. We can swing by any time, or if you want you can go alone, whichever works."

"We still need to discuss entertainment and find a florist. That's probably the top of our priorities list, then there's gift registry, we can set up a website if that's something you're interested in, transort, hotels, invitations-"

"Dean," Cas cuts him off, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing, we just have a lot to do."

"You haven't been this focused since..." he trails off, "before."

"Yeah, well, maybe that's why we still aren't on track for this thing. We should have had entertainment and florists booked by now, and we haven't even talked about it." He can literallt feel his resolve crumbling with every word he says, and he wants to get out. 

He has to fight the urge to just get up and walk up, but he's already done that once today, and he doesn't need to make an ass of himself a second time. He just doesn't want to do this. He doesn't want to have to find his own house, he doesn't want to be alone, he doesn't want Cas to get married, and he certainly doesn't want to help Cas get married. He doesn't know if he wants to cry or throw up, and then suddenly, he can't breathe. Fuck. Excellent. Great. Just what he needs right now, a fucking panic attack. 

He's only semi-conscious of Cas slipping into the booth next to him and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He can hear him speaking, but he doesn't really register what's being said, and he drops his head to the table, closing his eyes. He curls his hand around Cas' and squeezes tightly, hoping Cas will understand that he just needs a minute and he'll be okay. 

Cas just sits with him until he can breathe normally again, and even when their food arrives, he doesn't move back to his own side of the booth. They put away the wedding stuff, and Dean resolves to go over this part on his own later on, and just send Cas the finished timeline. 

They finish eating and Cas suggests that he go home and rest, and Dean doesn't argue. He promises to give him a call later when he's got all the stuff sorted out. Cas tells him not to, and sends him on his way, and somehow that just makes Dean feel worse. 

Even the next morning when he wakes up, Dean's emotionally exhausted. He feels like shit for how he acted with Sam, so he calls to apologize, and invites Sam and Jo to dinner that night to make up for their morning yesterday. Sam asks him continually what's wrong, but he can't talk about it, least of all with Sam, so he just brushes it off and carries on. 

About halfway through the day, he gets a text, and he can't even bring himself to look at it in case it's from Cas, so he busies himself doing other things.

By the time he has to meet Sam, he's cleaned his entire room, the living room, and the kitchen, and he's gotten a head start on packing his shit, even if he has nowhere to live yet. He looks down at his phone to find a second and third unread message, and shoves it in his pocket, because he can't deal with whatever Cas might have to say right before he confronts Sam and Jo for the first time.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief warning for this chapter for anal sex without lube, but it's fairly brief and right at the very end if you want to skip over it.

Once the weirdness of seeing Sam and Jo holding hands passes, Dean actually finds himself enjoying dinner with them. He apologizes to Sam when Jo slips away for a second and explains everything about Benny, and his decision to move out. 

"It'll be good for you," Sam assures him, "to have your own space."

"Yeah," Dean agrees, but he's still not convinced. "What about you two?"

Sam's face splits into a grin, "we just put a deposit down on a rental yesterday, that's why I couldn't do lunch. It's close to Mom, I'll have to show you."

"Show him what?" Jo asks, slipping back into her seat.

"Our house."

The way Sam says it, and the smile that he gets from Jo in return, twists uncomfortably in Dean's stomach, serving to remind him that he's alone. All the people closest to him are moving on and up in their lives, and Dean is just now considering moving out on his own for the first time. 

"I'm so excited," Jo grins, "we're gonna have a housewarming party when we move in, just a few people. You're gonna come right?"

"Yeah, of course. Wouldn't miss it."

"So how are things going with your mystery person?" Sam asks, and jo gives him a questioning look.

"Your what now?"

"It's nothing," Dean defends, but Jo is ruthless.

"You're seeing someone? It's not that dude from karaoke is it?"

"We've been over this. He's _still_ engaged."

"Doesn't stop some people," Jo mumbles, and Dean nearly chokes on his drink.

"Things are.. they are what they are. I don't want to get too involved because it's not going anywhere."

"Is that why you ended things with Benny?" Sam asks, and fuck, how did he become the center of this conversation. "Because that doesn't seem like it's going nowhere."

"That's not why I did it. I just needed a change." He falls silent for a few minutes before asking about how they got together, and that successfully takes the spotlight off of him. The more he watches the two of them together, the better he feels about it, but it also sparks that feeling in the pit of his stomach that reminds him that he wants more for himself. He wants what Sam and Jo have, what Charlie and Gilda have; he wants someone to share his life with, but whatever he does, he always seems to be the one left out. 

When dinner is done, he drives around for an hour thinking about what he's going to do with himself. He's itching now to see if it's Cas who texted him, but he reminds himself that Cas has found someone to spend his life with, and Dean has no business getting in the middle of that. By the time he gets home, he's exhausted, and just falls into bed without a second thought.

\- - - - -

He calls his mom the next day, because he's out of ideas, good or bad. She's glad to hear from him, and Dean feels bad that he's not just calling to talk.

"I need your advice."

"On what, honey?"

"I fucked everything up."

"I'm sure it's not that bad," she says, in her best mom voice, "what happened?"

Dean inhales deeply, preparing himself for the inevitable sympathy that comes from telling his mom things like this, "I fell in love with a client." He blurts it out all at once, because it makes it easier, then he doesn't have to do it again. It's out there, and now his mom will deal with it however she will.

"Oh, Dean, I'm sorry."

"I don't know what happened," he mumbles, and it's not totally a lie, but he's pretty sure this would have happened even if he never started sleeping with Cas.

"Tell me about it?"

Dean relays the whole story, or at least the edited version, and slumps further into the couch cushions, "do you ever feel homesick, even when you're at home?"

"I do," she confirms, "ever since your dad died, I get this awful feeling sometimes that I just want to go back, but there's nothing to go back to."

"I'm sorry," he says, because he doesn't know what else to say. "I decided I'm gonna get my own place."

"Good for you, have you found anything yet?"

"No, but I'm keeping an eye out. I was gonna talk to Charlie about it." It feels good to talk to him Mom, because she doesn't try and push him one way or the other, she just sits and listens to what he has to say, and he feels so much lighter by the end of it. 

When he gets off the phone, he opens the messages that are, in fact, from Cas. Dean reads them, but they sound concerned, and Dean doesn't have the capacity to deal with more people being worried about him right now, so he ignores them, and carries on with his day.

\- - - - -

The next time he sees Cas, is when they're scheduled to meet to talk about hiring a florist. The weather is getting warmer, so they decide to meet at the park - constantly meeting at the cafe is getting old, and the park offers a little more privacy, whether that's a good thing for them or not. Dean is actually looking forward to the meeting because after all the shit that's been going down, he could do with some structure. Plus, it's been a while since he's seen Cas, and he's just about the only good thing in his life right now.

Things don't go exactly as he's hoping.

Cas is grumpy right from the get-go, giving Dean one word answers and putting in as little effort as he can, which is one of Dean's greatest pet peeves. If you can't be bothered to care, what are you doing here? He tries to work through it, because it's Cas and because everyone has bad days, so he rewords his sentences as often as possible to only require one word answers, but Cas seems almost less impressed with him than he did before. So much for Dean's good day. 

He puts up with it for half an hour before he starts to get mad. There are more important things he could be doing that sitting here not talking to Cas.

"What's wrong?" he asks, and it comes out a little more aggressive than he intends it to. 

"Why have you been ignoring me?"

Oh yeah. _That_. 

It's not like he has been totally avoiding Cas. They've been emailing back and forth about the wedding, and Dean's keeping him up to date on what he's doing in the background, it's just the personal stuff he maybe hasn't been quite so on top of. 

"You've been ignoring all my calls, you only reply to my emails that are about wedding shit, and I don't even remember the last time I saw you, at this point."

"It's nothing personal," Dean mutters, and Cas just snorts at him.

"Nothing personal? Oh, well that makes it all better then. What's going on with you?"

"Cas, seriously. Drop it."

"No, I won't. You're not just some random guy that I work with Dean. I care about you, and I fucking worry when all of a sudden all I get from you is straight up professionalism, and don't tell me it's your job, because that's bullshit."

"It's none of your business," Dean shoots back.

"Really? Explain to me how this right here is not my business. You're my fucking wedding planner, and as fucked up as it is, you're also my boyfriend, so I think it is my damn business when you suddenly cut off one half of our relationship with no warning-"

"You're right, it is fucked up, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna dump all my shit on you and make it worse. I'm gonna go, I'll email you a list of florists when I get home."

"Dean, wait," Cas stands with him and grabs his wrist before he can get away, and Dean turns on him, ready to fight, but Cas' expression has softened. 

"Look," Dean huffs, "I left Benny. I'm moving out. There's nothing you can do to make me less stressed out about it, okay?"

A little smile tugs at the corner of Cas' lips and Dean frowns at him, "what?"

"You left Benny?"

"Yeah," Dean grumbles. He looks back at Cas, "what?"

"I shouldn't be so happy about that, but I am."

"You're not helping."

"Dean," Cas tugs him closer, but Dean pushes him away. 

"Don't." He doesn't even wait for Cas to respond before he pulls away and slumps off toward the parking lot. He knows that Cas was trying to apologize, and he's being more of a dick than he needs to be, but he's got too much shit going on right now to try and deal with this too. 

When he gets home, he has to sneak past Benny to avoid another awkward conversation, and he lies on his bed with a bottle of whisky until he eventually passes out. 

It's nearly nine o'clock when he wakes up, and he feels like complete garbage. The first thing he does is pick up his phone and his stomach drops to see no unread texts. He quickly finds Cas' name and presses the call icon next to it, willing the nervousness in his gut to calm the fuck down. 

Cas picks up pretty quickly, and Dean's heart jumps into his throat, and he should not be this fucking nervous to apologize to somebody. 

"I'm sorry," he blurts out before Cas even has a chance to say anything. "I'm a fucking idiot, and I don't want to fuck this up. I want to talk to you, but I'd rather do it face to face, can I come over?"

"I'm not at the hotel anymore. I mean, I am right now, but I'm in the process of moving - Meg and I found a place."

"Oh, okay then."

"No, I want to see you too. Give me half an hour?"

"Yeah, I can do that. What's the address?"

Cas takes a minute to dig out the address, and rattles it off, giving directions for Dean to follow. When he ends the call, Dean falls back onto his bed, still trying to catch his breath. By his calculations, it should only take him fifteen minutes to drive to Cas' place, so he takes another swig of whisky and paces around his room for a few minutes to try and relax. 

He ends up leaving five minutes later because he can't sit still and if that's the case, he may as well be driving. He gets to the house before Cas does, and sits in the driveway for another 5-10 minutes until Cas shows up. 

Cas leads him up to the house and upstairs to the bedroom. All the other rooms are filled with boxes and bits of stuff, but the bedroom actually has furniture in it, and Dean flops down onto the bed while Cas puts a few things away, and closes the curtains. He rolls onto his back when Cas flicks on the light and pulls himself into a sitting position. 

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," he mutters as Cas sits down next to him. Now that he's sitting here with Cas, talking about everything seems a lot harder than he would have expected. Instead, he leans into Cas' shoulder and sighs. "I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything."

"No, I do. You were right. If you were any other client I would never act like this. At the very least I owe you an apology, but you deserve to know why I keep freaking the fuck out."

"Dean, it's okay. You don't have to. I shouldn't have pushed so hard, I was just frustrated because I haven't seen you. Sometimes I have to remind myself that you have a life outside of this."

"I wanted to see you, but I just couldn't, not after you'd been spending so much time with Meg."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Cas asks.

"I guess I was just thinking you'd realize you were making a mistake with me, and I'd rather leave it open-ended than to have you flat out tell me you don't want me."

"Dean," Cas whispers, pressing his forehead against his temple, "I will always want you."

"But why? I'm a thirty-year-old wedding planner who can't even find a fucking date. I'm no good to anyone, and I just keep falling further and further behind, and I can't drag you down with me. I won't." He can feel his eyes prickling, but he doesn't want to cry in front of Cas, he's already made enough of a mess of this. 

"That's not true, Dean. You are a wonderful man, and as for 'dragging me down with you', who says that's your choice to make?" 

"Cas, I'm serious."

"So am I." Cas pushes him back, climbing over to straddle Dean's lap so he can't get away. He tips his chin up, and Dean wants to look anywhere but at Cas, but there's not really anywhere else to look. "I wish I could tell you how amazing you are," Cas whispers, "I hate when you think so little of yourself," he cups his palm to Dean's cheek, and shuffles closer so their noses touch, "you're a good man, you have so many people who love you, who rely on you. You make so many people happy, Dean, just by being you."

"I don't- it doesn't matter."

"One day, you will meet someone who turns your whole life upside down," Cas starts, "they will be everything you've ever wanted, and you will wonder how you ever got by without them in the first place."

"Like you?" Cas pauses, glancing away, before he says anything, and for a second Dean thinks he took it the wrong way, and finds he's surprisingly unconcerned. If you're gonna fuck shit up, you may as well go all the way.

"You know, my life isn't perfect either. Six months ago I was feeling great; my relationship with Meg was the best it's ever been, and I thought I knew exactly where I was going in my life, but then I met you." Dean just snorts at him, but Cas continues, sitting back a little, "last night I was jerking off thinking about you, and Meg called me right in the middle of it."

"So what you're telling me is that no matter what, things will be fucked up."

"What I'm saying, is that you can't compare yourselves to other people because you don't know the whole story; everyone puts up a front. Do you think I go around telling people that I'm cheating on my fiancee with our wedding planner? No, but that doesn't mean that I'm not." 

Dean considers that for a while because Cas has a point; he doesn't exactly tell people everything either. That still doesn't change the fact that one day Cas will be gone from his life, and Dean will have exactly no one to talk to about how fucking bad it feels. He doesn't even know where to begin, so he opts for a change of pace, sliding his hand up Cas' thigh.

"You think about me when you jerk off?" 

Cas smirks at him, but bats his hand away, "don't deflect."

"I'm not, you just- I'm happy when I'm with you."

"Me too," Cas smiles, shifting forward and cupping Dean's face with his hands, "I feel like I'm free when I'm with you," he dips down, pressing a soft kiss to Dean's mouth, "I've never felt like that with anyone."

"Not even Meg?" 

Cas shakes his head, and Dean curls his arms around Cas' hips and pulls him close, "I don't even know what I want anymore."

"Then we'll just take it day by day," Cas breathes. He rests his head against Dean's temple, tilting to kiss the side of his head. "Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I know this isn't exactly a conventional relationship, but I want you to know you can talk to me about anything, I'm always here for you."

"Thanks," Dean hums, letting his hands drop down to the backs of Cas' thighs. 

"I'd like to know more about you, I feel like I don't know anything about you other than your work."

"You first?"

"You already know a lot about me," Cas argues.

"What's your favourite colour?"

"Really?" Cas asks, leaning away to quirk an eyebrow at him.

"Really."

"I don't know, I never thought about it before," he pauses, then, "green, I think. What about you?"

"I've never thought about it before," Dean grins, and Cas pushes him back against the bed. Dean crosses his arms behind his head, shrugging up at Cas, "I dunno, I wear a lot of red, so maybe red? Blue's good too."

"What do you do when you're not working?"

"Lately? Not much. I try and see Sam once a week at least, and Charlie and I play games a bit, but they've both been so busy lately, and I've been working so much. What do you _do_?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, for work. What do you do? You never seem to have work, and yet your wedding has no budget and you never let me buy my own meals."

Cas chuckles, "I write."

"What do you write?"

"Fiction. Horror and romance mostly, sometimes at the same time."

"That's amazing. Are you working on anything right now?"

Cas shrugs, "I just finished a book, so I'm sort of in between right now, but I had an idea for something."

"Tell me?"

"It's a secret," Cas grins.

"Fine," Dean runs his hands up Cas' legs thoughtfully, "If you could switch places with anyone for a day, who would you be?"

"Alright," Cas chuckles, sliding off the bed, "if we're really getting into this, I'm gonna need a drink."

They spend the next hour lying on the bed asking each other questions and drinking straight whisky because it's the only thing Cas has in the house. Dean's feeling a hell of a lot better, and he's learning a lot, some of which he's tucked away for future use. They're lying on their sides facing each other, and Dean's shirt has been discarded at some previous question - something about freckles, he thinks, but it's a little hazy, and the room is warm so it doesn't really matter. 

"What's one thing you've always wanted to try, but you're afraid to ask for?" Cas asks, shifting so his arm is under his head. He watched intently as Dean struggles to come up with an answer because he knows damn well what Cas is talking about, and he's not going to get away with anything non-sexual. 

"I uh-"

"Yes?" Cas asks, looking up at him, and fuck. The whisky alone is putting all sorts of thoughts in his head, and Cas looking at him like that is doing nothing to discourage him.

"I think I'd like to be tied up," he mutters. Cas' sharp intake of breath makes his skin prickle, and Dean has to shove his hands into the blankets to keep from reaching out to him. "What about you?"

"There's not much I want to do that I haven't done with you. I like being in control, I guess, and Meg... doesn't."

"Is that why you picked me? Because I look so submissive?" Dean smirks. 

"One of the reasons," Cas shifts forward until Dean can feel his breath on his face, "tell me more."

"More what?"

"Just more. Do you like giving up control?"

"To you, yeah. I don't know if I trust anyone else." Cas' hand slides up his thigh, and Dean shivers.

"How did we get here?" Cas breathes, and Dean shrugs.

"Whisky?"

"Yeah," Cas agrees, almost dreamily, "can I tell you something, if you promise not to tell anyone?"

"Yeah."

He presses up close so his stubble rubs against Dean's cheek, and Dean presses his nose into Cas' neck, "when I'm home alone I think about you sometimes, the way you feel against me, the sounds you make when I fuck you," Cas' breath is hot and heavy against his ear, and his voice seems to vibrate straight through to Dean's core. 

"You told me that," Dean huffs back, trying to keep his voice steady. 

"I think about you more than I think about her," Cas admits, "I shouldn't do it at all, but I can't help it."

That's all Dean can take, and he pulls back and presses his lips to Cas', and sliding his hand down to the button on his jeans. Cas is quick to respond, rolling on top of him, and pushing Dean's hand out of the way. Dean's been on edge for what seems like forever now, and he can't help the shaky moan that escapes his lips when Cas' hips bump against his own. 

Cas is already hard and it urges Dean on even more. He wraps his legs around Cas' hips and pulls him down, his fingers clutching frantically at Cas' shirt and hair. Cas grinds against him, pulling his knees up to give himself better control, and Dean meets his every thrust, biting his lips and panting heavily against Cas' mouth. He feels like a teenager again, dry humping on the bed with the door locked like they're afraid of being interrupted, but now he doesn't have to worry about anyone walking in on them. 

He gives Cas' lip a firm bite, and Cas responds by dragging his hips painfully slowly over the bulge of Dean's erection. He thrusts against him again before bending to mouth at the wet spot in Dean's jeans. Dean's cock jumps at the touch, and if he was sober, he'd probably have lost it right there. Cas' eyes bore into him as he continues nipping and licking at the rough fabric, one hand palming his own erection, and Dean stares at him, thrusting up with each pass of Cas' lips. 

He slides a hand down, dipping under the hem of his pants to touch himself, matching his strokes with Cas' until his hand is pulled firmly away, and Cas' takes its place. His fingers play over the head, spreading pre-come over his length, and Dean thrusts hard into Cas' grip, biting hard to keep from crying out. 

"Don't do that," Cas rumbles, "I love the way you sound." He squeezes Dean's cock at the base, pulling his hand up slowly and rubbing the head until Dean whimpers. 

When he pulls away, Dean's hips chase the heat of his hand, but Cas has other ideas. He flips Dean onto his stomach and pulls his pants off with remarkable ease before pushing his thighs aside and settling between them on his stomach. He spreads Dean's cheeks and Dean immediately pushes his hips back. Hot breath dusts over his hole, and he doesn't have a chance to register what's happening before Cas' tongue slides over his hole. 

Dean feels the bed move as Cas grinds against, unable to resist the friction as he fucks Dean with his tongue. He adds a finger, slipping into him as his tongue flicks at the ting of muscle. It' a little dry, and when Cas presses a second finger in beside the first, he jerks forward. 

"Sorry," Cas breathes.

"Don't stop, want you to fuck me."

"I can't, we don't have any lube."

"Don't care," Dean groans, pressing his ass into the air, "I want your dick."

Cas works him open for what feels like hours, and by the time he finally slides into him, Dean barely lasts two minutes before he's coming all over Cas' chest. Cas fucks him hard, and doesn't make it a whole lot longer, but they're both still half drunk, and neither of them care that much. He curls himself around Cas again, rocking his soft cock against his stomach and kissing him slow and lazy until they both fall asleep.


	22. Chapter 22

Dean sprawls out, pushing the few covers that are still on him off and over the edge of the bed. He can hear water running somewhere outside the room, and it takes him a few seconds to remember that Cas was with him when he fell asleep, and he's not now. He resists calling out for him, assuming that he's in the shower, and instead huffs into the pillow and pulls himself out of bed. 

He's gross and sweaty and sticky in places he really shouldn't be, but somehow the thought of putting on his dirty clothes is crossing the line for him, and he wraps the sheet around his waist to go in search of Cas. He hears him before he sees him, and he's really glad he didn't call for him like he was going to because Cas is on the phone, and it sounds like he's talking to Meg. 

When Cas hears him, he turns around with a soft smile and puts a finger to his lips. Dean just nods and makes to head back to the bedroom, but Cas gestures toward the bathroom and Dean follows him in.

"Yeah, I was just about to have a bath- no it's fine babe." Cas crouches down, holding his phone with his shoulder and turns the faucet off. He gestures for Dean to get in and mouths _five minutes_ , before turning away. 

"No, nothing much today. I'm meeting Dean this afternoon to address save-the-dates. I'm sure you're devastated that you can't be here." His tone drops at the end, and Dean's afraid he's about to overhear an argument that he doesn't really want to hear. 

He tries to tune out the rest of the conversation and drops his sheet to the floor before stepping into the tub. He's not sure why Cas thought to draw him a bath, but after last night he's glad he did. He's sore and stiff, and gross - which really, is probably why he did it. He sinks into the warm water and shuts his eyes, scooping it up with his hands to rinse off his arms and chest. 

He's still half asleep, but he slips lower into the water, letting is over his chest and shoulders, and leans back against the tub. Dean could swear he was only sitting there for a second, but when Cas wakes him up, his neck is stiff and the water is cooling around him. 

"Sorry about that," Cas mumbles, crouching next to the tub. "I didn't expect her to call this morning. I've got breakfast ready if you're hungry?"

"I could eat."

"It's not much, just eggs and toast, but I don't have much in the house right now. I put your clothes in the wash, but I left you some on the sink."

"Thanks, Cas, I'll be down in a minute."

Cas flashes him a quick smile before heading out of the room. Dean takes a few more minutes to wash himself before getting out and drying off. The clothes Cas left are his, and they fit surprisingly well, but it still feels a little weird wearing Cas' clothes. All things considered, it should really be the least of his worries, but it's still weird.

They eat their breakfast on the floor, leaning against the kitchen island as the sun shines in through the big front window. It's a beautiful morning, and even the fact that he's sore and vaguely nauseous can't put a damper on his good mood. 

After breakfast, he helps Cas unpack a few things while he waits for his clothes to finish in the dryer. Dean doesn't end up leaving until an hour before he's supposed to meet Cas to pick up the save-the-date cards, and he has to quickly drive home to get changed and show his face so he doesn't seem quite so suspicious. 

Benny's in the kitchen when he gets home, and he quirks an eyebrow at Dean as he drags himself through the front door. 

"You just gettin' home?"

"I stayed at a friend's place last night," Dean lies, and Benny's clearly not biting. 

"Uh huh," he says, "you home tonight?"

"Probably. I have to meet Cas pretty soon to pick up save-the-dates and go order invitations, but I don't think I'm doing anything tonight. You got plans?"

"I think so."

"Alright, well, I'm gonna get changed and head out. Have a good night if I don't see you before then."

"You too, brother. Tell Cas I say hi."

Dean slips away to his room and gets changed, stuffing a spare set of clothes into the bottom of his bag just in case. As he drives to the shop, he realizes he can count on one hand how many times Meg has been around to help in the last five months, and he thinks about what Charlie said again, but pushes it out his mind, passing it off as a way to justify what he's doing with Cas. Meg is busy with work, and Boston is pretty fucking far to travel just to plan a wedding. 

It's a bit of a drive out to the stationer, so he picks Cas up along the way instead of making the 45-minute drive alone. The building itself is bigger than Dean imagined it to be, and the interior is pretty stark white, but there are cards and posters of every colour and shape and size adorning the walls and nearly ever surface. The two men at the front desk are speaking to another couple when they walk in, so Dean and Cas make their way around the room, looking at the displays. 

"I never asked you, but do you guys have a colour scheme?"

"Red and white. Dark red," Cas replies, then points to one of the posters hanging near then, "like that kind of."

"Did you want to match the invitations?"

He nods, "I was thinking mostly white with red, I asked Meg about it this morning, and she says the invitations aren't important, so I guess this one's up to us." He sounds put out, but Dean's mind is preoccupied. 

_Us_ , he thinks, because that's totally what he needs right now, to think of him and Cas as _us_. He just nods a reply and heads to the front desk to look through the folder of different paper styles. 

They end up spending a good two hours with the owners of the place - a couple who started their business with their own wedding six years previous - and Dean actually really likes these guys. It's not often that he works with people he doesn't know, but he's glad he did in this case, and he ends up taking a few of their business cards for future use. 

Colin and Ian walk them through each different type of paper and what matches best with it colour and texture wise, and Dean never thought he could learn so much about mulched up trees and actually find it interesting; they're definitely the most thorough of anyone he's ever worked with, paper wise. Considering the fact that they've won awards for their work, he really shouldn't be surprised.

It's not until late into their consultation that the inevitable awkwardness of sleeping with your client sets in. They're discussing text for the interior of the card, and when Cas tells him the names Castiel and Meg, both men pause for a second, then look at Dean in unison. 

"Oh, you're not-" Colin starts, and Dean nods awkwardly.

"I'm just the wedding planner. Sorry, I guess I failed to mention that." He's been doing that a lot lately, and apparently, he needs to smarten up because he and Cas come off as a couple. He adds that to the list of things to not think about, and digs out his own business card to give to Colin and Ian. 

"Sorry, I totally thought-"

"Don't worry about it," Cas smiles, "you're not the first person. Anyway-"

"Of course," Ian corrects himself, turning back to the card. 

It doesn't get brought up until they're halfway back to Lawrence, and Cas suggests they stop for coffee. They're waiting in the drive-through and he turns to face Dean.

"I'm sorry people keep thinking you're my fiance."

"It's not your fault, man. I haven't been exactly good at introducing myself as a wedding planner, and I did spend last night in your bed."

"Fair point. On that subject, though, are you busy tonight?"

"No?" Dean replies, unsure of what to expect.

"If you're up for it, I was thinking we could grab dinner, and head back to the house. I could use some company while I address three hundred save-the-date cards."

Dean laughs as he pulls ahead to the window, "yeah Cas, I'll come help you. I'm not gonna leave you alone in an empty house with a mountain of envelopes to sift through." He takes their coffees and thanks the barista, passing them over to Cas as he pulls back out of the parking lot and onto the road. 

The rest of his night is spent sitting on the floor in Cas' empty living room eating Chinese food and watching trashy Sci-Fi movies on Netflix while trying to keep names and addresses straight. He doesn't make it home for the second night in a row.

When he checks his phone in the morning, there's a text from Benny that just says _say hi to your friend for me ;)_ and he doesn't know if Benny realizes who he's talking about. Dean huffs a sleepy laugh and climbs out of bed as quietly as he can. He manages to get dressed without waking Cas up, but when he gets back from the bathroom, he's greeted with bleary eyes and hair poking out in every direction. At some point during the night, Cas lost his shirt, and now Dean's standing in the doorway completely regretting his decision to leave, because no one should look that good when they just wake up, and he just wants to crawl back into bed with him.

"What time is it?" Cas mumbles.

"Only like seven, you should go back to bed."

Cas just gives him a look and gestures to the mess surrounding them, "I have too much to do to just go back to bed."

"Okay, fair. I should get going, though.These sleepovers are a bad idea."

"Probably," Cas agrees, "we're doing flowers next, right?"

"Yeah, I know a guy who's really good. I'll send you his info when I get home." He pauses for a second, leaning in the doorway, "seeya Cas."

"Bye, Dean."

Dean discovers on his drive home that leaving Cas voluntarily is one of the hardest things he's had to do, and that doesn't bode well for the rest of his life, and then Monday evening brings a new set of surprises that he's just not ready to deal with. 

He's been helping Cas move boxes from storage to the new house all day, and he's more than ready to spend the night relaxing on the couch and doing fuck all, but when he gets home there's a second pair of shoes at the door that he doesn't recognize, and look like they belong to a woman. Okay, whatever, Benny's got someone over, he can hang out in his room he'll just have to move the PlayStation. Except that when he walks into the living room, there's no one there, so he peeks down the hall and there are distinctly sexual sounds coming from Benny's closed bedroom door. 

Okay, that's fine, he can deal with Benny sleeping with other people, that was their agreement to begin with, and it's not like he hasn't been doing the same thing. Yeah, it bothers him a little, but he has no right to be upset, so he pushes all those feelings down, and carries on with his life. When he comes home to those shoes sitting by the door almost every day for two weeks, the feelings bubble up anyway.

He wakes up one morning to find Benny sitting at the kitchen table, hunched over a mug of coffee, with a short, admittedly beautiful, dark haired woman at his side. 

"Hey," Dean smiles, trying to sound as cheerful as he can, "you must belong to the shoes ."

He's relieved when the woman laughs, "yeah, those are mine. I'm Tessa."

"Dean," he offers.

"Sorry," Benny mumbles, "you haven't really been around at the same time."

"No worries," Dean grins, "do you mind if I join you?" he asks, pointing to the table.

"Of course not," Tessa grins, "I'm glad to finally meet you."

He wants to say _you too_ , but really, Benny hasn't so much as mentioned her to him, and the idea of Benny dating twists uncomfortably in his stomach. He dropped the idea of them being together years ago, but that stupid nostalgic part of his brain still doesn't like the idea of Benny moving on, even if it was technically his idea to end things. 

Dean ends up making breakfast for all of them as a way to distract his stupid mind, and finds that he actually really likes Tessa. She's a nurse and just moved from California a few months ago to start over when her ex left her for some younger woman. She has a remarkably good attitude about the whole thing, and Dean admires her ability to not hold a grudge against the guy. 

When Benny heads out to work, he kisses her on the cheek and that stupid feeling of bitterness pangs in Dean's chest. Tessa hangs out with Dean for a few more hours until she has to work. She asks about Dean's work and how he met Benny, and they share workplace horror stories. Dean represses his bitterness until after she leaves, and then immediately takes to the internet, looking for rental places because as much as he likes her, living in this house if she's going to be around a lot is too much. 

As the afternoon wears on, Dean starts calling places about availability, and finds a few places he's pretty interested in. It sinks in around dinner time when he's slouched on the couch eating pizza pops and playing Mario Kart alone, that it's not Tessa that bothers him, it's the fact that Benny always said he didn't want a relationship. Turns out that was never true, he just didn't want to be with Dean. Just like Lisa couldn't deal with him, and just like Jo back in highschool. No, that's not fair. He was a fucking mess when Lisa left, no one deserves to put up with that shit, and Jo was - is - one of his best friends, it's not their fault that no one wants him. 

He texts Charlie a brief **_miss you_** because that's what he does when he's miserable, he texts Charlie. At least when Cas is not involved because she's made herself very clear about where she stands on that. She replied almost immediately.

_> > Miss you too, what's wrong?_

Before Dean can finish typing out his response, his phone rings, and he holds it up to his ear, pausing his game and settling into the couch.

"What's up?" Charlie asks

"Benny's seeing someone."

"I thought that's what you wanted? For both of you to be able to move on with your lives?"

"It was - it is," Dean corrects, "but I didn't think it would be so soon, y'know?"

"Yeah, it is kinda soon."

"I mean, Benny always said he never wanted a relationship, which is how we ended up doing what we did, but now I end that and he's got a girlfriend in like a week? Why?"

"You know I can't answer that," Charlie says softly.

"I know, but it just feels like there's something wrong with me. I know I'm a mess but am I really that bad that sex is okay, but no one actually wants to be stuck with me? I'm like that fucking Katherine Heigl movie."

"You're gonna have to be a little more specific."

"27 Dresses or whatever."

"Oh, always the bridesmaid, never the bride?"

"Yeah, except I just help people get married, I'm not even part of it. I can plan any wedding that someone wants down to the finest fucking detail, but when it comes to my own life, I can't hold on to anyone for more than 24 hours," he pauses and sighs, "sorry, I'm just miserable, you don't have to listen to me."

"That's what I'm here for, Dean."

"Thanks. How're things with you? How's the baby thing going?"

Charlie laughs, "nothing yet, but the doctors are optimistic."

"That's good. I'm excited for you."

"Me too."

Charlie stays on the line with him for hours, talking about everything and nothing, and Dean feels better by the end of it. He forgets sometimes, just how fucking fantastic his friends are, and he wishes he had more time to spend with Charlie. He makes a point to do something with her soon and spends the rest of his evening arranging things for his meeting with Cas tomorrow. 

Cas had shown interest in the florist that Dean suggested, which is good because Dean really likes Aaron, and he's easy to work with. He puts together a list of everything they need flowers for - from bouquets to standalone pieces - and prints it out to discuss with Aaron in the morning, then shoots off a quick text to remind him about their appointment before heading to bed.


	23. Chapter 23

Aaron Bass is a short man with a beautiful face and a fucking huge assistant named Geoff who honestly makes Dean a little nervous. Cas is late, so Dean leans on the counter and chats with Aaron as he prepares bouquets. They don't work together as often as Dean would like, because Aaron's a great guy, even if his Geoff is a little overbearing sometimes. In the past, he's toyed with the idea of asking Aaron out, and he thinks about it again today; maybe when all this shit with the Novak wedding is over and done with and Cas goes off on his honeymoon, Dean could have something here.

Of course, Cas chooses that particular moment to walk in, and Dean's still bent over the counter, listening to some sappy love story about one of Aaron's customers. He straightens up when he hears Cas come in, adjusting his blazer and smiling over at him. 

"Mornin' Cas."

"Good morning, Dean," he says, though he doesn't sound enthusiastic about it. 

"Aaron, this is my client, Castiel. Cas, Aaron."

"Good to meet you," Cas says, reaching out a hand to shake Aaron's over the counter, "Dean says wonderful things about you."

"Good to hear," Aaron grins, glancing briefly at Dean before turning to set his previous work aside. There's a tension in the air since Cas walked in, and you can cut it with a knife. 

Aaron turns back to the counter, leaning over and looking up at them, "so what are we looking at?" he asks. 

"A lot," Cas says blandly, "Meg wants flowers everywhere."

"Dean mentioned roses?"

"I prefer roses," Cas says, "but Meg wants white lilies."

"So we're going with the lilies?" Aaron asks, and Cas nods. "We can do that." Aaron starts putting things together to show Cas what the finished product would look like, and Dean watches from behind. Cas likes the lilies, but Dean knows that he's only doing it for Meg. 

At the end of their meeting, they've discussed various different arrangements, and Cas is still stubbornly sticking with the lilies. They agree on a price and Cas sends a few pictures to Meg to get her opinion on them before making a final decision, then he heads out, and Dean stays behind. 

"We want roses," he says, as soon as Cas is out of the building. Aaron gives him a look.

"We just spent an hour discussing lilies."

"Okay, well, we want both, can you do that?"

"You know I can, but why?"

"Because," Dean starts, "Cas wants roses, but he wants everything to be perfect for Meg, so he's going to choose her flowers over his own. I sent Meg pictures of the mixed arrangement you did, and she's down for that one."

"How's he going to feel when he finds out you're going behind his back on this?"

"This is the least straightforward wedding I have ever done. I've been making just as many decisions as Meg has, so if I make this one with her, I don't think Cas will be too upset."

Aaron shrugs, "you know him better than I do."

_You have no idea_ , Dean thinks. He spends another half hour at the flower shop with Meg on Skype to talk about the mixed arrangements, before heading out to talk to a realtor. He gets a text from Cas just as he arrives, apologizing for being grumpy, and Dean only has time to send a quick text back before his meeting.

\- - - - -

Cas calls just before Dean's about to head out looking at places. He's bored and sick of organizing, so Dean invites him along for a change of scenery. They drive together to the first address and beat the realtor there. It's too warm to sit in the car, so Dean gets out and sits on the hood with Cas at his side.

"I'm sorry I've been a little... off, lately," Cas says offhandedly, "Meg and I can't agree on anything lately, and it seems like she's just not interested anymore, at least not in planning the wedding."

"I mean, that's why you've got me, right? So she doesn't have to be involved?"

"Technically, yes, but I would like her input occasionally, and she just doesn't seem to want to give it."

"I'm sorry, man."

"I just miss her," Cas sighs, and Dean doesn't know what to say to that, because he's a big ball of fucked up right now with Cas and Benny and not knowing what he fuck he wants. He tries to act casual, like it doesn't hurt to hear Cas say he misses Meg, but he's pretty sure he doesn't pull it off. Thankfully, the realtor pulls up before either of them have a chance to point out the awkwardness. 

"Good morning," she chirps, running a hand through her hair, "sorry I'm late, traffic was a bitch. I'm Abaddon, yep, like the demon. You can call me Abby."

"Dean Winchester," he holds out a hand to shake hers, and grins, "and my friend, Cas."

"Castiel," he smiles, "like the angel."

Abaddon cracks a smile, "fantastic. Shall we go look at a house?"

"Yes," Dean says enthusiastically. He and Cas follow her up the front steps, and Dean likes the look of this place already. There's a big bay window on the left and a fair sized porch on the front. This one's under his budget, which is excellent, but from the looks of the pictures online, it needs a bit of work inside. 

They enter into a wide hallway with a sliding glass door at one end that looks like it leads out to another deck on the back. There's a large closet to their right, and on their left a doorway that leads into the living room. 

Abaddon leads them into the living room, "the wallpaper is a bit outdated," she admits, "but the window is irreplaceable, and in the summer you'll save a fortune on electricity." She's right, Dean realizes, noting the lack of artificial lighting. The blinds aren't even open all the way, and there's no need for any additional lighting.

"I like the ceiling," Cas comments, looking up at the landing above the living room. 

"It's definitely one of the better features," Abaddon agrees. She takes them through the rest of the house, and Dean's ready to move in that day. After the finish the tour, he discusses the final details with Abaddon and follows her back to her office to make a deposit. 

"So," he says, once they've left the office, "you're miserable and don't want to go home alone, I'm miserable and I don't' want to go home in case Tessa's there, what do you say we go celebrate?"

"Sure," Cas sighs, "why not."

\- - - - -

Dean starts packing the next afternoon. He's got a bunch of stuff put together already, but he doesn't move in until the first, so he has to pack carefully. It's a long process, and he's relieved when Cas calls him. He asks to meet at the park, and Dean is totally down for anything outside his house, so he agrees.

When he arrives, Cas is sitting on a picnic table, looking out over the river. It's not the warmest day, especially for June, so there are only a few other people around, and none of them are nearby. He makes his way over to sit beside Cas and inhales deeply.

"So what's up?"

"I went to confession this morning. I can't even remember the last time I did that, maybe never."

"What's wrong, Cas?"

"I've grown... more attached to you than I should be."

"Yeah, that tends to happen when you're sleeping with someone."

"I mean, none of this should have ever happened, and I think maybe Meg suspects something, and that's why she's been so irritable lately."

"We need to stop." The words come out of his mouth without his permission, but it's too late to retract them, now. They _should_ stop. They should never have started to begin with, but it hurts to say it out loud.

"We should," Cas agrees. A heavy silence falls over them, in which Dean's just waiting for one of them to add _but I don't want to_ , but apparently they both have more willpower than he gives them credit for. 

"It'll be better," Dean assures him, "we can focus more on the wedding, and you can focus more on Meg." Cas doesn't respond immediately, but after a few moments, he nods and sighs. 

"It will, I just feel like maybe there's no coming back from this."

"You'll figure it out."

\- - - - -

The night that follows is the longest of his life. He doesn't know whether to drink until he passes out, or to call Charlie and tell her what happened. Tessa's over, so he's on his own regardless, but he needs something to take his mind off the fact that he just told the man he loves that they'd be better off without each other. He settles for drinking himself to sleep, which also helps to detract from the sounds coming from down the hall, and he can't fucking wait to get out of here.

When he wakes up, it's two in the afternoon, he has six unread messages and a missed call from Sam, and all he wants to do is go back to sleep so that maybe this time he won't wake up. He doesn't even get a chance to look at his phone before there's a banging on the door, and Charlie's voice shouting at him from the other side.

"Dean?"

"Go away and let me die."

"I'm coming in so you'd better be dressed." 

Dean grunts into his pillow and hopes that if he looks dead enough, Charlie will just leave him alone. He's pretty sure that's what you're supposed to do with bears, but maybe it works with friends too. It doesn't, and Charlie pushes her way into the bedroom, coming to sit next to him on the bed. She doesn't seem to care all that much about how much Dean just wants to be left alone because she shoves over to make space for herself. She rubs Dean's back and leans down to try and see his face, but Dean just turns away from her. 

"What happened?" she asks, and Dean mumbles into his pillow. "Something about Cas?"

Dean sighs and lifts his head, "we ended things," he grumbles, "and then I came home to Benny fucking his new girlfriend, and I didn't want to bug you because of everything-"

"So you decided to drink yourself to sleep?"

"I didn't wanna think about anything, and normally when I want a distraction, I call Cas. Couldn't exactly do that, could I?"

"I'm sorry," Charlie sighs, brushing his hair back, "I know it sucks."

"It's the worst."

"You'll be able to move on now, though, once you finish with the wedding."

"Uh huh."

"Dean, I know how shitty it is, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but it's for the best. How would you feel if Meg found out, or if she and Cas split up because of it?"

"I mean, if I'm gonna feel shitty either way," Dean mumbles. He knows he doesn't mean it, because that's the one thing that's been okay in the last twelve or so hours - he's not weighed down by the guilt anymore.

"Can we do something, please?"

"What do you want to do?"

"Well," Charlie starts, "I figure first, we'll go get you some coffee and diner food, and then we're gonna go to the lake and get you some fresh air."

"And if I don't want to get out of bed?"

"Then I'll get Benny to pick you up and throw you over his shoulder, and drag you along with me. You still have to see Cas, so the sooner you face that fact, the easier it will be for you to finish this wedding in one piece."

"Fine," Dean grumbles, "gimme ten minutes to have a shower."

Charlie waits in the living room while he showers and dresses himself in an old pair of jeans and a dark red hoodie. It's comfortable, and he can pull the hood over his face if it's too bright outside. Charlie frowns at him when he comes out, which is fair because he probably looks like a fourteen-year-old, but Dean just pulls on his boots and follows her out the door. 

He doesn't want to admit it but once he's eaten and downed a mug of coffee, he feels a lot better. He almost _wants_ to feels shitty because he kinda deserves it. He knows Charlie's proud of him though, for taking the step and ending things, but it's almost like he's in limbo now; he doesn't really know how to act or how to feel. Physically, he's starting to feel better, but mentally he's a fucking mess. He takes another coffee to go, and Charlie takes him down to the river, not far from where he talked to Cas the day before. 

"You wanna talk about it?" Charlie asks, and part of him wants to, but part of him wants to just keep what he and Cas had to himself. 

"I don't know," he sighs, "I just feel like maybe - I know it sounds stupid, but what if Cas was it for me? What if I was doomed from the beginning?"

"I don't think so. Have I ever told you about Dorothy?" Charlie asks, and Dean shakes his head, leaning against her shoulder.

"Who is she?"

"She was the love of my life, for a while, but I met her at the wrong time. I was just finishing school, and she was a couple years older and was moving out of the country, but for the month we had together I was happier than I have ever been in my life. I loved her, and I thought that she was the one I would spend my life with, but I also knew she was leaving. 

"The day she left, I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on, and for a while afterward, I didn't think I'd ever be happy like that again."

"But you are," Dean puts in, and he gets it, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't want anything that doesn't include Cas, and at this point, the chance of them being friends when all is said and done is really slim. 

"Exactly- I am. I met Gilda, and it was even better than the first time, and I realized I'd been wrong when I was with Dorothy. I did love her, and I will never forget the time we have together, but sometimes things change for the better."

"Right."

"You may not believe me now, but you will find someone that makes you so unbelievably happy."

"Yeah," Dean nods, but he doesn't believe her. "What about you?" he asks, hoping to change the subject, "how have you guys been?"

"I wasn't gonna bring it up," Charlie starts, and Dean knows exactly what she's going to say. 

"You're pregnant," he finishes, and he can feel the grin creep up on his face, pushing all the other thoughts out of his head. 

"Yeah," Charlie beams.

"Charlie, that's fantastic. I'm so happy for you."

"You have no idea. We're not really telling anyone because I'm only like three weeks along, and we want to make sure everything's going well, but I couldn't just not tell you."

"Are you gonna find out the gender or wait?"

"I dunno, I wanna wait but Gilda wants to know, so I guess we'll just have to see what happens a little further down the line. I'm so excited. I already want to start tearing apart the guest room, but Gilda says we should hold off for a little while to make sure everything's still going well. She's so paranoid."

"She's right though if anything happened, you'd be devastated, and you'd have to block off that room or sit there and look at it every day. You know I'm in when you start though, right?"

"Of course. Who else am I going to call to come and tear a room apart with me? And bring that brother of yours, if he ever stops skipping out on us."

"I didn't tell you," Dean realizes.

"Didn't tell me what?"

"Why he's being so sketchy. He's dating Jo."

"Like your Jo?"

"She's not my Jo, Charlie, that was kind of the point."

"That's kinda weird though, I don't blame him for being sketchy about it."

"I thought so too, but then I had dinner with them, and I dunno. They both seem happy, so who am I to come between them?"

Charlie sighs and drops her head against Dean's, "everything's changing."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember when it was just you, me, Benny and Sam playing Settlers of Catan in your mom's basement? Now Sam's with Jo, and you and Benny split, I'm having a kid- it's not gonna be the same anymore."

"That doesn't mean it's gonna be bad, and me and Benny is a stretch; we were never really together."

"You kinda were, in the beginning." 

Dean just shrugs, "we'll just have to tone it down a little for the baby- more Go Fish, less Goldeneye."

"Growing up is weird."

"Tell me about it. We should do another games night soon, with everyone, then maybe Sam will show up for once."

"We should," Charlie agrees. She shuffles over so they're pressed together, and Dean slips his arm around her back. Everything may be changing, and some of it is fucking terrifying, but sitting by the river with Charlie is the calmest and most relaxed he's felt in months.

\- - - - -

The first time he and Cas meet after calling off their affair, it's to discuss the honeymoon. There's some sort of irony in there, but Dean tries not to think about it. It's hard enough to stay focused as it is because there's this weird tension in the air that hasn't been there since the very beginning, only now Dean knows what Cas looks like naked.

"I guess the first thing we should talk about is a budget," Dean says, and Cas just gives him that look- the same one he gets when he tells him he doesn't want to go out for dinner because he can't afford it. "Okay, so then, did you have a destination in mind?" Fuck, it should not be this awkward.

"I want to go to Hawaii, but Meg keeps sidestepping the question. Every time I ask her about it, it's 'oh, I don't know' or 'yeah, I guess we could do that'."

"I can see how that would be frustrating."

"Yeah," Cas huffs, "I'm sorry I can't be more help."

"It's fine, we can still put together a timeline for you so you can figure out work schedules and such, it just won't be 100% until we can book your transport."

"That's fine, as long as I have something to give to Meg so she can make a decision on where she wants to go."

"Perfect," Dean scribbles down a couple notes in his book, and when he looks up, Cas' shoulders are slumped and he looks completely miserable.

"Can we not do this?" he asks.

"Do what?"

"The whole pretending everything is normal thing? You're acting all professional and it's weird, you haven't been like that with me since our first meeting."

"I'm sorry," Dean shrugs, "I just want to get this sorted out." Over and done with is maybe more accurate, but he doesn't want to directly offend Cas. 

"Just act normal."

"Normal is not sleeping with my clients, which we've already tossed out the window, so I just- I don't know, Cas."

"Why don't we start with not doing this right now? We have nothing to go on, so why don't we talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"Music?"

"Do you want a band or a DJ?"

"No, we wanted to make our own playlists."

"Then we don't have to start even thinking about music for a couple months. I've assembled music for the entire wedding; ceremony, reception and background music for photos the night before."

"Dean, let's talk about music."


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter bc I'm not working today and I'm procrastinating writing my Christmas story c:

Three days later it's July, and Dean's been so preoccupied with Cas and Charlie, that he didn't realize it was coming so soon. He's standing in the middle of his room, surrounded by boxes when Charlie shows up, peeking around the corner. 

"Everything okay in here?"

"I don't know where to start."

"That's why you have me," Charlie says, pushing an empty box into his chest, "you go get your bathroom stuff together, and I'll start piling filled boxes in the kitchen so the boys can load them when they get here."

"I can do that." It's a mystery how Dean has ended up with so much soap. He has like six different bottles of shampoo, all in varying degrees of fullness, various bottles of body wash, and a couple bars of soap. He throws out the opened bars and leaves the hand soaps for Benny, before digging through the drawers. He ends up with two boxes full of stuff and stacks them with the others in the kitchen. 

There is still so much stuff in his room. 

Charlie still has a few boxes left to move, so Dean moves on to the living room, packing up all his movies and games that are floating around. Cas shows up halfway through and starts grabbing boxes to pack into the Impala. 

It takes them a couple hours to get all the small stuff packed into the three vehicles, and then Sam arrives with the moving truck. Dean gives Charlie his keys and she and Cas head off to the new house, leaving him and Sam to move his bed and other bits of furniture down to the truck. 

The bed goes down first, and the frame is no problem at all, but the memory foam mattress is another matter. No matter how they grab it, it always seems to want to go the other way, and they end up having to take it through the living room and slide it down the stairs on a tarp. The desk goes down next, then his dresser and side tables. By the time they start to move his couch from the basement, he's already sweating through his shirt, because the summer heat has finally hit, and he just wants to lie down in a pool full of ice. 

It takes them until almost dinner time to get everything to the new house, and Dean's already so exhausted he doesn't want to do anything else, but he's got shit to do tomorrow, so if he doesn't get his bed set up now, he'll be sleeping on the couch for two nights. After the first disaster, Sam refuses to help him take it back up the stairs, so Cas drags one end up, while Dean attempts to push it from the back. He's almost considering moving into the downstairs bedroom until Cas hits the top stair and suddenly everything is a million times easier. 

When they get it on the frame, Dean flops forward onto it, breathing heavily, "that's it, I'm never moving again. They'll have to drag my cold, dead ass out of here on a stretcher."

"I'm sure you'll feel differently in a couple years."

"I dunno," Dean rolls onto his side, propping himself up on one arm to face Cas, "all joking aside, I liked this place the second I saw it, I think I'm gonna be happy here."

"I'm glad," Cas smiles, and it's a good damn thing Charlie chooses that particular moment to shout at them to come down and help, or Dean definitely would definitely do something stupid like kiss him, regardless of who else is in the house. 

"Yes boss!" he shouts down after her. Cas laughs and pushes him out of the room. 

"Where are we putting the furniture?" Sam asks

"Uh," Dean leans over the railing, and looks at the living room, "the couch can go along this wall, but I think I can move everything else easily enough on my own, so they can just go in the hallway for now."

"Alright, you wanna give me a hand with these then?"

"Yeah," Dean nods, "are you two okay to finish moving boxes around?"

"Mostly," Charlie says, "other than the ones that are unlabelled. I don't really want to open them and find out what they are."

"Just leave them in the living room, I'll deal with them later."

"I'm sure you will," Cas mumbles behind him, giving him a look as he passes Dean to head back downstairs. Dean just gapes at him, turning back to see if Charlie heard him, but she's got her head down, pushing all the living room boxes against the front wall. 

Cas just smiles innocently at him from the bottom of the stairs, "do you wanna haul boxes up, or help Sam with the furniture?"

"I'll go help Sam, you stay here so Charlie can keep an eye on you."

Dean sneaks off to the back deck to order pizza and pop quickly before he helps Sam with the rest of the furniture. The food arrives half an hour later, and Dean is relieved, because he hasn't had to do this much physical work in years, and he's ready for a nap. Charlie finds them a large box, and they use it in place of a table, sitting around it in the middle of the living room. 

After eating, none of them can muster up the energy to do anything else, and Sam has to be up early the tomorrow, so they call it a day. Charlie offers to drive him home because Dean still needs to get some stuff out of the moving truck, and Dean thanks them and sends them home with pizza because there's no way he's going to eat all of it.

He and Cas clear up what's left of their dinner, and Dean sticks the leftovers in the fridge. There's nothing else in there, and it brings a smile to his face, because this is his, just his. Cas comes up behind him, and puts a hand on his shoulder.

"We should get that stuff out of the truck before it gets too dark."

"We have loads of time," Dean argues, but Cas just gives him a look, and Dean follows him without further complaint. 

There's not much left, just a couple of boxes and the TV stand, but it seems to take forever to bring them in, and then Cas collapses onto the couch while Dean pushes the TV stand into the corner of the room, and sets up the TV and PlayStation. He makes sure there are no boxes left in the middle of the floor and then flops down opposite Cas.

"You got anywhere to be?" he asks, and Cas shakes his head, "you wanna hang out for a bit."

"I don't want to move," Cas says, and Dean takes that as a yes. He gives the controller to Cas and heads to the kitchen to grab them some water because it's the only thing he has to drink in the house. When he comes back, Cas has found some random movie to watch, and Dean doesn't even care what it is, he's just glad to have Cas' company. 

Dean has always thought that the most awkward thing is to watch sex scenes with your parents. He's thirty, and he still has to leave the room when Baby and Johnny dance in his cabin. Turns out watching rom coms with a dude that you're trying desperately not to be in love with is actually worse. Especially seeing as he's sweaty from moving and his hair is falling in his eyes in a way that shouldn't be endearing but totally is. It also takes him a ridiculously long time to realize what they're watching.

"Is this the Notebook?" he asks, and Cas just shrugs without even looking at him.

"I like Rachel McAdams." 

Okay, fair, but did he have to put it on _now_? He couldn't have waited until he was at home with himself and not sitting here on Dean's couch being too beautiful for his own - and Dean's - good health? He tries to focus on the movie, but every time Noah and Allie look at each other, his heart feels like its going to thud right out of his chest, and he has to try harder than he should to not look at Cas. 

It's hard to focus when Cas is right there, just inches away from him, and Dean isn't allowed to touch him. He thinks back to the first time in the storage closet, and a shudder runs through his whole body, and when Noah kisses Allie on the dock, he knows what's coming, and he just wants to escape. 

He makes the slightest move, and Cas looks over at him and now he can't move because it will just be obvious that he's trying to escape the sex scene, and how the hell did he ever get himself into this position?

Remarkably, Dean survives through the rest of the movie, though he does feel a little lonely by the end of it. The credits roll, and he doesn't know what to do, because he doesn't want Cas to leave, but he can't just ask him to stay without it being weird. They sit there, unmoving until the very last few credits roll up on the screen, and then Cas lets out a little sigh. 

"I should go," he says simply, and Dean wants so badly to argue, but they made this decision together, and as much as he hates it, it's the right thing to do. 

"Yeah," he mumbles.

"I told Meg I'd talk to her before our meeting tomorrow, to discuss the honeymoon and whatnot."

"Right."

They stand in unison, and Dean trails behind as Cas starts toward the door. He's continually thinking of legitimate reasons to ask Cas to stay, but there aren't any, so he's going to have to face the first night in his big empty house all alone. Or at least that's what he's telling himself the problem is. 

"Thanks again for coming to help," Dean says, stalling.

"Not a problem, you know I'm around if you need anything else."

"Yeah," Dean says, and looks at the floor. 

"Well-" Cas starts, but he doesn't finish. Dean reaches out to get the door, but bumps Cas's arm and draws back with a muttered _sorry_. It's fucking stupid that this is how the night is going to end; they've been fine together all day with Charlie and Sam, but apparently now that they're not sleeping together, they can't function when they're alone. 

Dean opens his mouth to speak, but Cas says "Dean" at the same time and they both stop. When Dean looks up, their eyes meet. There's a beat of silence, and then Cas' mouth is on his, hot and soft and urgent like he's been trying just as hard to keep his hands to himself all night. 

Heat flares up Dean's spine, and his body reacts before his mind can catch up, opening his mouth and pushing his tongue into Cas' mouth. It's been less than a week since they were last together, but it feels like forever, and when Cas' hands settle on his hips, Dean presses forward hopefully. Cas groans against his lips and presses forward, pushing Dean hard into the wall and fitting himself up against him. His knee slides between Dean's legs, and Dean knows Cas can feel exactly what he's doing to him, which just serves to turn him on even more. 

Cas shifts his hips, pressing the line of his growing erection against Dean's abdomen, and it's all he can do not to moan into his mouth when he rocks upwards. Cas' hands slip under his shirt, smoothing up the front of his chest and brushing against his nipples. Dean's breath catches in his throat, and he winds his arms around Cas' neck, dragging his fingers through his hair. 

Cas works Dean's shirt up around his armpits, breaking away from his lips only long enough to pull the article over his head and toss it aside. Cas moves against him, rolling his hips in fluid motions as his hands slip over Dean's sides and up his back. He brings one hand down around his stomach, shifting to press his palm to Dean's erection, and Dean's hips jerk forward, pressing into the touch. He slides down the wall, leaning on his shoulders and thrusting against Cas' hand; the position isn't the most comfortable, and Cas has to lean to one side to keep from putting all his weight on him, but when his fingertips press around the head of his cock, all he can think of is getting his pants off and getting Cas's hands on him properly. 

Dean reaches for the button on his jeans, but Cas drops to his knees and pushes his hand back behind him on the wall. He gets Dean's pants open with one hand, pushing them down his thighs as he licks and sucks at his hip bone. Dean moans loudly, dropping his head back and curling his fingers into Cas' hair. He tries to press his hips forward, but Cas holds him still, pressing burning kisses into his hips and thighs, but carefully avoiding his swollen cock. He squirms under Cas' mouth, gasping every time his cock grazes Cas' cheek. 

"Look at you," Cas breathes, grazing his teeth down the vee of Dean's hips, "so hard for me already, so wet-" he licks a trail of pre-come from the end of Dean's cock, and Dean feels like he's going to pass out just from that. He grips Cas' shoulders, digging his fingers into his skin and groaning with the effort it takes not to thrust forward into his mouth. 

Cas drops his pants and kicks them away, rising slowly to press his cock against Dean's. He drops his forehead to Dean's, meeting his eyes as he rolls his hips up devastatingly slowly. Dean's bites his lip, his eyes glued to Cas' as his hips jerk into the motion, craving the friction. 

"I want you-" he moans, and Cas cuts him off with a desperate kiss, breaking it only for a second to pull his own shirt over his head. He presses in again, pushing Dean up against the wall until they're flush against each other, his cock rubbing against Dean's with the slightest movement. 

He buries his face in Dean's neck, nipping at the skin and sucking small marks into his shoulder.

"You feel so fucking amazing, baby," he mutters, breathless. "I've been thinking about you all day."

"Yeah?" Dean huffs.

"Yeah," Cas breathes, kissing a line down Dean's neck. He dips down, wrapping his arms around Dean's thighs, and lifts him up in one fluid motion, biting playfully at his jaw as Dean laughs in surprise. Cas grins, humming as he presses his lips to Dean's again. 

He makes the short trip into the living room before climbing onto the couch and laying Dean down in front of him. Cas sits back on his heels, running his hands up Dean's thighs and just barely bumping his cock with his knuckles.

"What?" Dean asks, squirming under his gaze. 

"You're so beautiful," he sighs, and Dean just frowns at him because no, he's not, but Cas doesn't seem to care what he thinks, and he bends over, pressing a line of wet kisses up the inside of Dean's thigh, "every," kiss, "single," kiss, "thing," kiss, about you." He meets Dean's gaze for a brief second before sealing his lips around the head of his cock and sliding down on him. 

Dean lets out a stuttering gasp and his whole body arches up to meet Cas' mouth. Cas takes him so deep that dean can feel himself push against the back of his throat, and it's fucking amazing. He shudders as Cas pulls back up, rubbing his hands over Cas' shoulders, and moaning at every flick of his tongue. He groans and grasps at the couch desperately, trying to press his hips up, but Cas keeps him pinned to the couch, bobbing up and down on his cock. 

"Cas," Dean gasps, "you're gonna make me come- _ah_! Cas-"

"Do you want to?" Cas huffs, leaning up and licking a stripe up the underside of his cock.

"Not yet."

"Okay," Cas sinks back down onto him and hums before pulling up and kissing his hip. Dean slides out from under him and sits cross-legged in front of him, dragging his fingertips under Cas' cock. Cas holds his gaze but bites his lip when Dean's fingers curl around him. 

Dean strokes him slowly, delighting in the way Cas' eyes flutter when he rubs the head. He presses a hand to Cas' chest, easing him back against the arm of the couch and settles back between his legs. He leans in, slowly spreading his lips over the head of Cas' cock and sliding down to the base. Cas groans and slides a hand into his hair, pressing his hips up slowly. 

He lets Cas fuck his mouth, barely resisting the urge to rut against the couch until Cas' fingers press under his chin. He pulls off and kisses down the length of his cock and up his stomach, flicking his eyes up to meet Cas'. Without a word, Cas hauls him up into his lap, kissing him softly and sliding one hand over his back. He rolls his hips up, sliding their cocks together, and Dean moans into his mouth.

"I want you to fuck me," Dean breathes, gasping as Cas wraps a hand around both of them. He jerks them both steadily, kissing Dean's neck and shoulder. 

"Anything you want baby. Have you got lube?"

"Yeah, in one of those boxes," he mumbles, sitting up. Cas releases them, giving Dean's cock a quick tug before letting him get up. 

Dean can feel Cas watching him as he kneels down in front of the window to sift through the boxes. Luckily, he made a point of putting everything from his side table in one box, so he locates the bottle of lube quickly, and takes his place facing Cas on the couch again. He hands the bottle over, and Cas leans in to kiss him, one hand running down his side. 

"Turn around."

Dean does as he's told, sitting on his heels, and Cas closes in behind him, sliding his hands up Dean's back and kissing down his spine. He presses him forward, and Dean leans down, spreading his knees and resting on his elbows. The anticipation is killing him, and Cas - as usual - just seems to be as calm as can be. 

The head of Dean's cock bumps against the couch cushions, leaving a dark mark where it hangs, and it sends spikes up pleasure up his spine. Cas spreads his cheeks and Dean can feel his hot breath against his hole before Cas leans in. He flicks his tongue at the ring of muscle and dean curls his fingers around the edge of the couch cushion. 

Once he gets started, Cas really gets into it, alternating pressure with his thumb and his tongue. Dean rocks his hips back, trying to get Cas to give him more, but he continues at his own pace, refusing to press into him until Dean is practically begging for it. He presses a slick finger to Dean's hole and slowly pushes in, keeping a steadying hand on his back to keep Dean from thrusting back too fast. 

Cas thrusts into him, working his finger in and out, but never past the first knuckle. It's maddening, because they've done this a dozen times, and Cas knows that he can take it, but he insists on being gentle with him every time. When he does push further, Dean groans and presses his face into the couch, circling his hips. 

Cas pushes all the way in, and slides out again, rubbing the puckered ring, and dipping down to press his tongue into him. He works Dean open slowly with his tongue and his fingers, driving him to the brink of orgasm more than once before withdrawing and draping himself hover him. 

"You okay?" he breathes, and Dean nods. Every inch of him feels like it's on fire, and he's pretty sure anything could set him off at this point. 

He can feel Cas moving behind him, and then the thick blunt head of his cock is pushing against him, and Dean has to steady himself. Cas pushes in and pulls back before sliding in fully and circling his hips. 

" _Fuck_ ," he groans, curling one arm around Dean's chest and rocking into him. Dean groans into the couch and Cas leans right down over his back, starting out slow, and building up to a steady rhythm. 

Cas slides a hand around, stroking the length of Dean's cock, and if he wasn't having trouble keeping steady, he definitely is now. His knees are stiff and his thighs are shaking, but he can barely do more than just sit there and moan against the rough fabric of the couch because Cas is hitting his prostate with every thrust, and he's teetering right on the edge. 

"I'm so close," he mumbles. Cas runs his hands down Dean's sides and pulls out, much to Dean's confusion. "What-" he starts, but Cas cuts him off.

"Come here," he hums, leaning back against the couch. He spreads his legs, and jacks himself a couple times, keeping his eyes on Dean as Dean climbs awkwardly into his lap. Cas positions himself, pressing up against Dean's hole and Dean sinks down onto him with a stuttered breath. 

Dean presses his palms to Cas' shoulders, rocking his hips and trying his best not to come too early, but when Cas grabs his hips and fucks up into him, it's all over. He's already coming when Cas' fingers find his cock, stroking him quickly as he fucks him through it. He's barely aware of Cas' voice in his ear, mumbling rushed and desperate words of praise as he chases his own orgasm. 

Dean rests his elbow on Cas' shoulders to run his fingers through his hair and kisses him desperately as Cas fucks him hard and fast. Cas buries his face in Dean's neck as he comes, grunting and mumbling something that Dean doesn't quite catch. His arms wrap tightly around Dean's waist, and he holds him close as he rides it out.

Dean's body is heavy, and he gives into the exhaustion, collapsing into Cas' chest with his head on his shoulder. 

"You're incredible," Cas hums. He rolls Dean over onto the back, and stands over him, "I'll be right back." Dean shuts his eyes and lets the heaviness weigh him down, cuddling into the couch. 

Cas returns a minute later with a warm washcloth to clean them both up, and Dean is impressed that he managed to find anything in this house right now. When they're both clean, he tugs Cas back down to him, shuffling back to lie on his side. Cas curls an arm around his hip, and Dean readjusts to he's got his head on Cas' shoulder, listening to the soft sound of his breath in the empty room. 

Cas' eyes are shut, and Dean can't help but look at him and wonder how someone so beautiful could have ever looked at him and thought _yes, that one_. He wriggles a little closer and turns his gaze to the ceiling. He's not sore, but there's a distinct post-sex feeling that he can't quite describe, something adjacent to pain, but a more content feeling that he loves about sleeping with guys - you don't get that when you're the one doing the fucking. 

"Do you ever bottom?" he blurts out, his thoughts and words combining. 

"No," Cas mumbles.

"Would you?"

"Maybe, why?"

"Just wondering." 

Dean's mind wanders, and it makes him anxious; he knows Cas has been with other people in the past, they've talked about it before, but something nags at him that he can't help but voice aloud.

"Are you- have you been with anyone else since- y'know, since this started?"

Cas opens his eyes and turns to look at him, "no," he says softly, I didn't set out to have an affair, I just met you and, well, you were there, you know what happened."

"Why was I so different?"

"Honestly?" Cas shrugs, "I don't' really know. I just knew from the very beginning that I wanted you more than I've ever wanted anyone before, and I was stupid enough to act on it."

Dean thinks about that for a bit, and he doesn't really know how to feel about it. On the one hand, Cas actively wanted him, and he knows starting something was an incredibly stupid thing to do, but he also wishes it had happened differently. Cas interrupts his thoughts.

"Can I tell you something," he asks quietly, "if you promise not to say anything to anyone else?"

"Yeah."

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't marrying Meg."

"Then why are you?"

Cas pauses, and the hesitation should be enough for Dean to get up and leave; it would be enough for him to not take on a client in the first place. 

"Becuase it feels like the right thing to do," he sighs. 

"That's not a good reason to marry someone."

"I know. Maybe I'm just doubting myself because she's never here," he emphasizes the never, and Dean has no idea what to say because he'd be thrilled if Cas wasn't marrying Meg, but not this way. 

"Look, Cas, I'd be lying if I told you I wanted you to go through with this wedding, but this is all... it's a mess, man, and you're talking to the wrong person. I'm supposed to be helping you marry here, remember? You have to figure this one out on your own."

Cas gives him a look and gestures down at them, "is _this_ helping?"

"Touche, but still."

"I just feel like maybe I'm making a mistake. What if there is some person that's meant to be with me? What if my soulmate is right in front of me, and I never get the chance to find out because I married my first girlfriend?"

"I dunno," Dean sighs, "relationships are weird."

"Tell me about it," Cas huffs, "six months ago I had everything I ever wanted, and now I'm just- well, first of all, I'm here with you right now, and not with her." Dean just stays quiet, rubbing his thumb over Cas' chest.

"I almost didn't marry her," Cas says, and that peaks his attention, "we got to a point where we were just kind of carrying on, and I figured it had to be all or nothing, and I didn't want to lose her, so I asked her to marry me. It was better after that, like it had been before, but then I met you, and well-" he shrugs and gestures down to them again. "I don't really know what I'm doing anymore."

Dean huffs a humorless laugh, "I don't think I ever did. All I can tell you is do what feels right."

"Easier said than done."

"Yeah, I know."

They're both silent for a long time, and Dean wishes their situation was different, that Cas was just some guy and the only issue they had was Dean's inability to admits his feelings for anyone. The only problem is, for the first fucking time, Dean is ready and willing to fall at Cas' feet and tell him, in every goddamn way, that he loves him, but he can't, because that's not fair to Cas. 

"Are you gonna stay?" he asks, because it's all he can think of to say. 

"Do you want me to?"

"You know I do."

"I can stay," Cas hums, pressing soft kisses into his hair, "I have to leave early though because I told Meg I'd talk to her in the morning before our meeting."

Dean sighs because he knows it's selfish to ask Cas to stay, "maybe you shouldn't."

"I want to," Cas smiles, turning onto his side. He brushes his fingers down Dean's jaw and leans in to kiss him, "should we go make the bed?"

"Ugh," Dean groans, "I forgot I have to make my bed."

"Come on," Cas chuckles, sliding off the couch, "let's go to bed."


	25. Chapter 25

Dean locks up, and drags himself up to his bedroom where Cas already has sheets on the bed, and Dean wants to keep him. It's warm enough that they don't really need another blanket, so Dean plops down on the mattress and pulls Cas down with him. 

When he wakes up in the morning, Cas is gone, but there's a note scribbled on a scrap of paper sitting on the opposite side of the bed; _I didn't want to wake you up, you looked so peaceful. See you in a couple hours._ -C. Dean grins to himself and tucks the note away in the closest box to him. He gets up and dumps all his clothes onto the bed to find something to wear and then leaves the rest of it on the bed to put away later. 

He drives to Cas' place, and when he gets there, Cas has already got Meg on Skype, and she waves to him as he sits down.

"Hey, Meg, how's it going?"

"Hectic," she replies with a grin. Cas doesn't say anything, but he seems tense, and after the night they had last night, he can only assume his conversation with Meg this morning did not go well. 

"Work?" he asks, more so out of obligation than actual interest.

"Yeah, I don't have a lot of time today, but I told Cas I would be here for this one so here I am." _Translation_ , Dean thinks, _I don't want to be here, so get to the point._ Dean can do that. 

"Okay, so I guess the first thing is, have you two made a decision on where to go?"

"No," Cas admits, and he doesn't seem pleased about it. 

"I thought we could figure it out without knowing?" Meg asks, and Dean's pretty sure the question is aimed at him, but Cas goes for it, and he's not going to get in his way.

"No, I told you that's what we tried to do last time, and it didn't work."

"Fine. We'll go to Hawaii, I know that's what you want." She sounds honest, but Dean can hear the irritation in her voice, and he knows that whatever she's planning on doing after this is calling, and she really doesn't want to be here.

"Cas?" Dean asks, and Cas nods. "Okay, so you two will need to discuss dates- whether you want to go right after the wedding or wait for a little while before heading out. Regardless, Cas said you're not worrying about the cost, but it's still best to book with a travel agent."

Cas and Meg both listen and respond to everything Dean's telling them, but Cas is the only one who actually seems to be paying attention. When Cas finally shuts it down and tells her to call him when she has time to talk about it, Meg seems relieved more than anything, and Cas just sighs and pulls his laptop shut, turning to face Dean with an I-told-you-so kind of look. Dean doesn't know what to say, so he just apologizes, and Cas shakes his head. 

"It's not your fault," he sighs, "she's just not interested. At this point, I'm not going to worry about it. If we can get back to the rest of the planning, Meg and I can sort out a honeymoon when she decides to be part of the process."

"Are you sure?" Dean asks.

"Yeah. When we first talked about her staying in Boston to work, I wasn't expecting her to drop out of planning the wedding altogether. It seems like every time I ask her anything, she has something better to worry about."

"Look, I know I'm not exactly in a place to be suggesting this," Dean starts, "but why don't you not do the whole big wedding thing." 

Cas looks at him expectantly, his lips slightly parted and eyes focused hard on Dean's, squinted slightly, "what do you mean?"

"Elope? Maybe Meg's just not into the huge party thing."

"Oh," Cas says, and Dean can tell he's disappointed. 

"I just mean, maybe talk to her about it- when she has more time."

"Right. I'll do that, but does that mean we should put everything on hold until then? I don't want to fall behind, but I also don't want to have to call and cancel everything if she changes her mind."

"Don't' worry about canceling anything, if it comes to that, I'll deal with it. For now, we can work on planning and deciding rather than booking and making final decisions."

"Okay," Cas sighs, and he sounds relieved. "Oh, and I forgot to tell you," he starts suspiciously, and Dean cocks an eyebrow at him, "my brother and best friend are planning my bachelor party for the twentieth. Their level of partying is... not mine. I was kind of hoping you'd be there to counteract the insanity?"

"I'm not the insanity?" Dean asks. 

Cas grins at him, "you've clearly never met Luke and Balthazar."

\- - - - -

Charlie calls him a little while after he gets home, asking how everything is going.

"I mean, my house is still full of cardboard boxes, but Cas and I got everything else in last night."

"Good. How was that?" Charlie asks, and he knows there's more to the question than just the obvious. 

"It was good, surprisingly." _Until we stopped working_ , he adds to himself.

"He's a good guy, Dean, and as much as I dislike his decisions, I actually like him a lot. It sucks about y'know, his fiancee."

"Yeah," Dean agrees, "it really does."

"I was thinking yesterday, we should get together more often, and you should bring Cas. I know I was pretty brutal at first, and don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging your affair, but I think maybe he's good for you. Affair or no, you have been a lot happier lately."

Dean tunes out most of what she says, because she's wrong, and putting him and Cas in the same place for too long isn't going to end well, "we can't be friends, Charlie."

"What do you mean?"

"Me and Cas, we can't be friends."

"I thought you said- you slept with him again, didn't you."

"It wasn't supposed to happen," Dean says, like that's some way of defending himself, "he was literally leaving."

"Dean," Charlie sighs, and he knows she's right. It's not like he's purposefully being a terrible person. Well, technically he is, but he's trying. 

"I know, I know. But that's why we can't hang out, it's just not a good idea."

"But that doesn't mean you're going to stop seeing him," Charlie points out.

"I work with him, Charlie, I can't."

"Realistically, I know that, but you're my friend Dean, and I love you. I just want what's best for you, and I think you're going to continue to suffer as long as Cas is in the picture. If you can't be friends, you probably shouldn't be working together at all."

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"Yeah, Dean, anything."

"Don't say anything, because I know it's really bugging Cas, but Meg lately- she doesn't seem to want anything to do with planning their wedding. Even talking about the honeymoon today, she can't make a decision even on where she wants to do, and Cas is miserable."

"Dean, we've talked about this before. I don't like any of this, you and Cas, whatever Meg's issue is, none of it. This disinterest in her own wedding? All that says to me is that there's something going on that Cas doesn't know about. Honestly, to me, it seems like she doesn't want this wedding." 

"I know, and I agree, but I suggested a smaller wedding, or even none, and Cas isn't on board with that."

"That's not what I mean, Dean."

"I know, but regardless, I can't just drop out on Cas right now when he's feeling like this, and I can't exactly tell him I think his fiancee's cheating on him. And if Meg's not gonna be there, I have to step up."

"You don't _have _to."__

__"You're right, but I love him Charlie, and if I can't be the one who makes him happy, I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure that he is."_ _

__"Okay," Charlie relents, "that much I understand."_ _

__

\- - - - -

Dean spends the Fourth of July organizing. Sam's having a barbeque and keeps subtly reminding Dean that he's invited, but Dean doesn't want to live out of boxes any longer than he has to. He puts music on in the living room, and starts in the kitchen because having to dig something out every time he wants to eat is getting old fast.

He already loves having his own kitchen and being able to put things where he wants to instead of having to listen to Benny explain to him why glasses should go in the cupboard above the sink for whatever stupid reason he'd given.

He has a surprisingly good time just listening to his music and putting his stuff away on his own, but by the time five o'clock rolls around, he's starving. He's in the middle of folding boxes in the living room when the front door opens, and Sam's voice echoes through the hallway. Dean puts down the boxes and pushes himself up, peering around the wall to find his brother standing there with a bag full of Rubbermaid containers.

"I know you said you wanted to get everything set up, but I figured you probably also wanted to eat, so we packed some up for you."

"Thanks, Sammy," Dean grins, taking the offered bag. He motions for Sam to follow him as he takes the food into the kitchen. He sets it on the counter and turns back to his brother, "you staying?"

"I can't, I promised Jo I'd be back before six. Ash is setting off fireworks tonight, and I need to be there to supervise."

Dean laughs, and part of him wants to go back with Sam, but he also wants to get this shit done, so he says goodbye to Sam, and sits down to eat before getting back to work. 

He's exhausted by the end of the night and ends up falling asleep in his jeans, but it's worth it because he has his own place with all his stuff set up exactly how he wants it.

\- - - - -

Halfway through the month, Cas shows up to one of their meetings stressed out because apparently he and Meg have been discussing their first dance, and Cas doesn't know how to dance. Naturally, because it's Cas, Dean drops everything and calls in a favour, a fucking big one; the only dance instructor he knows, who's good enough that he would recommend them to a client, is Lisa.

He's a grown man, and he's gotten over the majority of the shit that happened to him as a teenager, but there are still times when it hurts to see Lisa. If it was up to Dean, he would find someone else, because mixing Cas and Lisa just seems like the worst idea ever, but realistically Cas probably should have started lessons by now, and Lisa is the best he knows. 

When he gets home that night, he calls to arrange things, and Lisa's more than happy to help, and for once, Dean's genuinely happy to talk to her. 

He calls Cas a week later to find out how things are going and is met with evasiveness and guilt. 

"I talked Anna into taking lessons with me," he mumbles, "but then something came up, and-"

"Have you been at all?"

"No," Cas confesses, and to his credit, he sounds legitimately upset about it, "Lisa was very understanding, but I feel bad about having to cancel, especially considering how you sorted this all out so quickly."

"It's okay," Dean assures him, "you're a little behind, but maybe I can talk Lisa into working extra hours, and if you can't find anyone to go with you to your next lesson, I will." He says it instinctively, but knows the second the words are out of his mouth that it's a truly awful idea. Lisa knows him too well to be this careless, even if they haven't been close since highschool. 

When he has a free minute, Dean flops down on the couch and calls Lisa. They're still on good terms, but it's been ages since he's seen her, and he feels and calling just to ask a favour of her. 

"Lisa Braeden," she answers.

"Hey Lise, it's Dean."

"Dean? Hey, how's it going?"

"Things are pretty good, how about you?"

"Great, actually, but I feel like you didn't call just to catch up? What's up?"

"I'm actually calling for a professional favour. I know it's been a long time, and I feel bad calling out of the blue, but I have a client who is in dire need of dance lessons, and I was wondering if you have any availability in the next few months."

"It just so happens I do."

"I know it's really quick, but what about Saturday? And then we can set up a more defined schedule."

"Yeah, that works for me. You said a client, though? Not clients?"

"No, actually, his fiancee is working in Boston, so he's trying to find a new partner, and failing that, I was an idiot and volunteered for the position myself."

Lisa laughs, "this I cannot miss out on. I open the studio at ten on Saturdays, you want to meet me then?"

"Yeah, ten would be great, please refrain from bringing any video cameras."

"I'll try," she says, "but I make no promises," and Dean can hear her grinning over the phone, "see you Saturday, Dean."

He doesn't call Cas immediately to tell him the news, because he's nervous about this whole thing, and isn't exactly eager to take dance lessons with anyone, much less Cas.

\- - - - -

Dean sleeps in the next morning, and it's probably a good thing because he's already anxious as it is, he doesn't need to be sleep-deprived too. He's never been to a bachelor party, and he has no idea what to expect, especially considering Cas' warnings about Luke and Balthazar. He's still got a couple hours before he needs to start getting ready, so he sits himself in front of the TV and distracts himself with Stephen King movies.

At four o'clock he drags himself into the shower and gets dressed, settling on a pair of slim black jeans and a red leather jacket that he hasn't worn in years. He looks good, and he knows it, and that's the only thing that gets him out the front door, because this is the stupidest idea he's had yet; if he and Cas can't keep their hands off each other when they're sober, the last thing they need is to add alcohol into the equation. 

He meets Cas at a bar downtown, just after five. There are a couple other guys with him, and Cas introduces them quickly, leaving out the part about Dean being his wedding planner. Whether intentional or not, Dean can't guess. Luke and Balthazar appear to have been here for a while, and have both already been drinking, but are happy to welcome Dean into their group, and he's starting to get an idea of what Cas was talking about when he said their level of partying was too much for him. The other two guys are Ezekiel and Bartholomew, both friends of Cas' from college, and he learns that his brother Gabriel was supposed to show up too, but couldn't make it. 

The six of them are seated in a booth back behind the bar, and Balthazar starts them off with a tray of shots. Cas gives Dean an _I-told-you-so_ look, but still takes his shot like it's nothing and carries on. 

They're all half drunk when Luke announces that they're leaving, and Cas gives him a look.

"To where?" he asks, and Luke and Balthazar share a suspicious grin before getting up and pulling Cas along with them. Dean follows along behind, chatting with Zeke for most of it because he seems like the most level-headed of the group other than Cas. They pay for their food and drinks, and the ringleaders direct them out of the bar and down the street. 

Their next destination is a club Dean's never been to, which isn't saying much since most of his drinking takes place at home or at Jamieson's. It's still early, so there's not much of a line, and they get in pretty quickly. Dean and Zeke take a seat at one of the tables, watching as Cas gets hauled over to the bar. 

"How'd you get roped into this?" Zeke asks, and it's so damn loud that Dean has to ask him to repeat it three times.

"I'm here to counteract those two," Dean says, gesturing to Luke and Balthazar. 

Zeke laughs and nods, "me too." They're shortly joined by Bart, who brings a tray of shots for them all, downing two of them before Dean even touches his. Zeke gives him a look and shrugs, downing his own with a grin. Dean can't even remember the last time he did anything like this, and for the first time in a long time, he's pretty sure he's found someone who could drink him under the table. 

After a little while, the other disperse, leaving Cas and Dean alone at the table, which Dean is hugely grateful for. Cas pulls him into a corner where they can hopefully evade the barrage of alcohol for a little while, and Dean's just drunk enough that he goes without argument. The club is starting to fill up, and they manage to find a little space where no one's paying attention to them, and Cas grins.

"Thank you," he mouths, and Dean nods, understanding. They can't really talk much because it's so loud, and Dean gives in easily when Cas sways his hips, pulling Dean toward him. He doesn't dance. Dean tells himself this over and over, but it doesn't stop him from following Cas' lead every time he changes it up.

Cas manages to slip away for a few minutes, and Dean leans against the wall, running a hand over his forehead. He's wanted Cas since the day they met, but here, he's drunk and he can feel the music reverberating through his entire body, and something about the atmosphere just ramps up his desires. 

He tries to focus on the lyrics, but club music is mostly just various noises blended together into a beat, and then Cas comes back wearing a shit-eating grin, and he can't even pretend to think about anything else. Cas slides up to him, pressing his body against Dean's, and breathing against his ear. He's fucking drunk; he has to be or there's no way he'd be doing something this stupid. The club is dark, yes, and it's hazy and full of people who are also fucking drunk, but it's also very public, and Cas is engaged. 

"You look good tonight," he huffs a laugh, tugging on Dean's jacket, "I like this."

"Yeah?"

Cas nods, sealing his lips over the bolt of Dean's jaw, "we should get out of here."

"We shouldn't-"

"No," Cas says, like it's the most ridiculous thing, then his tone changes and he rolls his body against Dean's, "doesn't mean I don't want to."

"You're drunk."

"So are you," Cas smirks, and yeah, he's not wrong, "and I know you're lying to me," he breathes, nosing at Dean's neck, "I know you want this just as much as I do."

Dean tries to hold back, but then Cas' hand works its way down to his crotch, and Dean kisses him without thinking, pulling him by his hips, "what about your friends?" he asks.

"I'll text them, tell them I got sick or something," Cas rolls his eyes and shrugs, "I don't really care." He tugs Dean's hand and leads him out, keeping close to the outer wall to avoid the rest of their party. 

Dean doesn't know what time it is, but when they get outside and find a huge line waiting for taxis, he assumes it's late. Cas apparently doesn't want to wait for a cab, so he leads Dean down the sidewalk, and it isn't until Cas suddenly pulls him into a dark alley, that he realizes Cas is holding something.

"What's that?" he asks, and Cas grins devilishly at him, setting the bag down on the ground, and walking Dean back into the brick wall. 

"It's a surprise," he whispers, catching Dean's mouth in a heated kiss, "if you're up for it."

Past experience has proved that Cas' ideas are always good ones, and he nods enthusiastically. Cas leans into him, bracing himself on the wall behind him, and Dean wraps one arm around Cas' waist, but Cas is quick to turn him around, stepping back so Dean has space to put his arms up on the wall in front of him. He pushes his hips back, and Cas raches around, undoing his belt and tugging his jeans down over his ass. Dean shivers with anticipation, dropping his forehead onto his crossed arms. 

When Cas touches him, it's his tongue that slides over his hole, his stubble scratching against the sensitive skin, and he's not shy about it. It's wet and sloppy, and Cas fucks into him with his tongue, fingers pressing hard into Dean's hips. One of his hands releases, and then there's a momentary rustling before Cas' finger presses into him, slick and eager, and Dean has no idea where the lube came from, but he's not in a position to question it. 

Cas pushes a second finger into him, finding his prostate with ease and rubs over it, massaging that one spot until Dean's shaking. His cock is rock hard, smearing pre-come in the front of his jeans with every move he makes. Cas shifts again, licking over Dean's hole where it's stretched around his fingers, then pulling out completely and shoving his tongue in in their place. 

Dean writhes against him, pressing back to try and get Cas deeper, and moaning against his arms. Cas doesn't warn him before he pulls away, but he kisses the base of Dean's spine and wraps around to squeeze his cock. 

"Are you ready?" Cas asks, and Dean agrees without hesitation. Cas bites the flesh of his ass, and pushes back into him with one hand, shuffling around with the other until he finds what he's looking for. The next thing Dean knows, Cas' hands have left him completely and something slick and blunt is pressing into him, but it's not Cas. He doesn't realize it's a plug until it's fully seated inside him, and Cas wiggles it around a little before rising to his feet and sprawling over Dean's back. 

"I want you to blow me," Cas rumbles in his ear, and fuck yeah, Dean is definitely here for this. He turns to face Cas, pressing forward to kiss him, but he stops short and sinks to his knees, undoing Cas's pants and shoving them down to his ankles. Cas is hard already, his thick cock bobbing just in front of Dean's nose, and Dean rubs his cheek against him, leaning in to kiss his hip and down to his balls. 

"Dean," Cas groans, and then there's a distinct vibration from within him that courses through him, and Dean drops forward, one arm curled around Cas' leg for support. Cas crouches down in front of him, kissing him briefly and freeing his cock from his jeans. Dean thrusts into the touch, and Cas pulls away, looking at him with a serious look. 

"Does it feel good?" he asks, and when he moves his hand the vibration starts up again, less powerful this time. 

"Yeah," Dean nods quickly, "don't' stop."

"I'm not going to," Cas breathes, dragging his fingers along the underside of Dean's cock before standing straight again. He jerks himself slowly a few times, and Dean is pretty sure he could come just like this, watching Cas touch himself, but then Cas presses the head of his cock against Dean's lips, and Dean opens for him readily. 

He takes Cas as deep as he can, shoving his pants down so his own cock rests just above his waistband. There's something entirely arousing about having a cock in his mouth, and Dean has never been one to turn down the opportunity. Cas works his hips slowly, dragging his cock along Dean's tongue, but never quite pulling all the way out. He groans as Dean surges forward, taking Cas all the way down until his head hits the back of Dean's throat. 

He holds Cas there for as long as he can stand it, moaning around him at the way Cas' legs shake. When he pulls back, he sucks hard at the head, and Cas doubles over, catching himself on the wall behind Dean's head. He turns up the intensity of the plug and Dean moans around him, his own hips jerking forward instinctively. He's overwhelmed with sensation, and when he flicks his tongue under Cas' cock, his hips buck forward greedily. 

Dean sucks him down again. He can feel his own orgasm building, threatening to overtake him, and it only serves to drive him forward. He lets Cas fuck his mouth, and when Cas turns up the intensity again, he can't hold on. He's coming before he can warn Cas, his cock spilling onto the concrete as he shakes under Cas' touch. The vibrations draw it out, and Dean's hips are still twitching forward even after he's spent. 

Cas pulls away, and when the vibrations stop, Dean nearly collapses forward. Cas tugs him to his feet and kisses him greedily, pushing him back up against the wall. 

"Fuck, you're so good for me," he groans, biting Deans lip and rutting against his hip, "you're so fucking hot, baby." Cas shoves Dean's pants down around his knees and brushes his fingertips over Dean's softening cock, curling his fingers around him and jacking him slowly. He shifts so his cock slides along Dean's, and Dean's whole body convulses.

"I wanna fuck you," Cas rumbles, sucking at the column of his throat. 

"Please," Dean whines, pressing his cock up against Cas'. If he was sober, he would probably be hard again already, because Cas is relentless, rubbing his cock and rutting against him. Cas turns him around and Dean bends over, spreading his legs and leaning against his arms. 

He whimpers when Cas pulls the plug out, but it's only seconds before his cock takes its place, sliding in quickly as Cas holds him steady. Cas circles his hips, leaning over to kiss the back of Dean's neck, and then he's fucking him hard, slamming into him without warning and Dean's cock twitches against his thigh. 

Cas fingers wrap around him, and Dean can feel himself harden under Cas' touch, and he arched against him, pushing himself off the wall to lean back on Cas. Cas jerks him quickly, in time with his thrusts, and it's not long before Dean's coming again. Cas' fingers slide up his length, aiming his cock away so he doesn't come all over himself, and Dean shudders with the intensity of it. He presses back, curling his arm back around Cas' neck and kisses him passionately. 

Cas lets go of him, and his hands find Dean's hips, holding him steady as he pounds into him, grunting and moaning against his lips. Dean can feel it when he comes; Cas slams into him with a shuddering gasp and snaps his hips in quick succession. Cas slides as deep as he can, his cock twitching as he drops his head on Dean's shoulder. 

He's panting heavily, and his thighs are stuck to Dean's, and when he pulls away, he drops to his knees, tugging Dean down after him, "I didn't think I'd get you to come again," he pants.

"Me neither," Dean agrees, pressing their lips together softly. 

"You did so well tonight," Cas murmurs, and Dean just sits and listens to him, dragging his hands up Cas' back and through his hair. "You want to go home?"

"Yeah," Dean nods, "I'm sticky." Cas chuckles and kisses him, helping him up as he stands himself. Cas gathers his things together again and slips his hand into Dean's before they walk out of the alley. He lets go as they walk out under the street lights, and they walk side by side for a few blocks before Cas stops to call for a cab.


	26. Chapter 26

They end up at Dean's, because that's where the cab goes first, and they both climb out without thinking about it. Dean's sweaty and sticky, and he heads for the bathroom, stripping out of his clothes as he goes. Cas trails after him, and when they get into the bathroom, he crouches down beside the tub and turns on the taps. 

Cas strips down and climbs into the tub, motioning for Dean to follow him, and Dean's too exhausted to argue. He slips into the warm water and leans back against Cas' chest, shutting his eyes. If it was up to him, they'd just stay there all night, but Cas insists on washing him. In the morning he'll be grateful for it, but right now he just lays back and lets Cas rub the soapy cloth over his skin. He hums as Cas' fingers brush his skin, and he tips his head back to kiss his shoulder. 

When Cas seems satisfied that they're both clean, Dean pulls the plug and they stumble blearily up to Dean's bedroom. They drop onto the bed together, soft and warm and exhausted.

\- - - - -

When Dean's alarm blares the next morning, he groans and rolls back over, pressing his face into Cas' back. He turns off the alarm with a sigh and looks at his phone - 8:30 am. That gives them roughly an hour before they have to meet with Lisa if Cas wants to stop at home to get clothes first. He rolls out of bed without disturbing Cas and tiptoes downstairs to make coffee.

Cas creeps up behind him just as its starting to brew, and he slips his arms around Dean's waist, "do we have to go?" he hums.

"It's your wedding."

"Meg doesn't want to make any effort," Cas mutters petulantly, and Dean turns in his arms, quirking an eyebrow at him. Cas sighs and shakes his head. "I'm just irritated about it, I know you're right. Do you mind if we stop by home so I can get clothes?"

"Course not."

They arrive at the studio just before ten, and Lisa's moving around inside, but she stops to let them in, pulling Dean into a quick hug and giving Cas a quick once-over. Dean does introductions, and Lisa gets the last few things ready as they sit off to the side. 

The first half of their lesson consists of Lisa positioning and repositioning them, and then stepping in when one of them does it wrong. Whenever she's with Dean, he can feel Cas' eyes on them, and it makes him uncomfortable. It makes him even more uncomfortable when their positions are reversed and Lisa's watching him and Cas fumble through it. 

He knows they're taking a long time to get this, but he's exhausted, and his knees are sore from the concrete last night. Lisa seems to notice something's up because she pulls him aside at the end of the lesson to make sure everything's okay.

\- - - - -

For the last little while, things have been going pretty well, so naturally, something has to go terribly wrong. It's not the event itself that is wrong, but the emotional aftermath. He's checking his emails one morning when he comes across an email from the afternoon before and opens it. It's a young couple looking for a wedding planner, and Dean can't bring himself to answer it. All he can think of is how little time he has left with Cas, and how he doesn't want to have to split his time with another couple again.

He makes up a lie, and emails back saying he's not available at the moment. He sits at his desk and thinks about it for a while, regretting having to lie to a potential client and thinking about the time he has left with Cas. Five months. Five months is nothing, but that's all he's got left with Cas before he marries Meg, and he wasn't lying to Charlie; he and Cas can't be friends. Twice now, they've proven that they can't just spend time together without ending up in bed together. 

He gives Cas a quick call to let him know the invitations have been shipped and should arrive shortly, and he's hoping to see him, but Cas informs him that Meg is there, and Dean totally understands, but that doesn't stop the fact that he kind of wants to die a little. Instead, he drinks himself to sleep at noon. 

Sam wakes him up a couple hours later, and his head feels like it's going to explode. He doesn't even register right away that Sam is there because he's almost certainly still drunk. Sam sits him up and brings him water and painkillers before pulling up another chair to sit in front of him.

"You wanna tell me why you're passed out at two in the afternoon?" he asks.

"Nope," Dean groans. 

"Dean, in the last few months you've been up and down and all over the map, and you won't tell me what's going on. All you've said is you're seeing someone that you have no future with, but then you go and get like this again."

"I'm not seeing anyone, I'm in love with Cas." Yup, definitely still drunk. 

"What?"

"I don't know how I can be any more clear than that," Dean mutters, lying back on his side. 

"Does Cas know?"

"No," Dean snorts, "why would I tell him? So he can fire me and get a new wedding planner? So I can fuck up his entire marriage before it happens? No, Sam, I'm not gonna tell him."

"How did this even happen?"

"It doesn't matter."

"What if he feels the same?" Sam asks, and Dean just frowns at him. 

"He doesn't."

"So this... I don't get it, Dean, what happened?"

"Just happened," Dean shrugs, and it's Sam's turn to frown. 

"I know you're lying to me," he says, "I know you and you don't just blurt out that you love someone for no reason. You don't just fall in love with someone out of the blue. You didn't even tell me you loved Lisa until two years after you split up!"

"I slept with him," Dean mutters, half because he's drunk and half because he doesn't give a shit anymore, plus he trusts Sam not to say anything.

"How-" Sam starts, but he doesn't finish.

"It just happened, and now I'm fucked."

"You should talk to him."

"I tried once. We decided to end things and then," he shrugs, "it didn't work."

"Tell him how you feel. I want you to be happy, and this isn't going to make you happy."

"Doesn't matter. I don't give a shit anymore."

"About what, Cas?"

"Anything."

"Dean, just talk to him. For me. I hate seeing you like this, and I want you to be happy. Even if you can't be with Cas, you should tell him how you feel so you can move on."

"Okay," Dean concedes because Sam is stupid and can convince him to do anything if he tries hard enough, "I'll talk to him. I don't know when, but I'll do it."

"You know I just want you to be happy, right?"

"Yeah," Dean mumbles. Apparently happy with that answer, Sam hauls him up off the couch and forces him into the kitchen to eat something. Sam feeds him, forces him into a cold shower to help sober him up, and then sits with him for the remainder of the day, watching Youtube videos of blacksmiths building swords. 

When Sam heads out, it's still early, but Dean heads to bed anyway. He's lying awake staring at the ceiling when his phone rings. 

"Hello?" he answers, not looking at the phone.

"Dean, it's me."

"Hey Cas, what's up?"

"Meg apparently had to rush back to work tonight, so I was hoping you might want to come and eat cake with me tomorrow."

Dean chuckles, "I can do that."

"I appreciate it. I'm sorry to call you on such short notice."

"Don't worry about it, I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight Dean."

"Night, Cas."

\- - - - -

The address Cas gave him is for a bakery Dean's not familiar with, just outside of the city, so he picks up coffee on the way, and spends the full half hour drive thinking, which in hindsight, is a bad idea. He doesn't want to mention it to Cas, but he's afraid that part of the reason Meg is so disinterested lately is that she suspects something is going on. As if the guilt wasn't bad enough, he now has the thought that he might be fucking Cas' whole life up for this.

He's always known that it's wrong, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that it was going to cause problems; you don't just sleep with someone for five months and feel nothing, but somehow he managed to skip over the fact that he could be ruining things for Cas too, not just himself or Meg. All three of them are going to get fucked if this ends badly, and Dean knows what he has to do, but he doesn't want to. 

History has proven that under pressure Dean makes an idiot out of himself, so he rehearses what he's going to say over the rest of the drive there. He's got it memorized by the time he gets there, and he wants to talk to Cas before they go in, but then Cas is there and smiling at him, and Dean can't bring himself to talk to him right now because he's a fucking coward. 

Cas walks in ahead of him, greeting the woman behind the counter with a huge grin. It's obvious that they've spoken before, and Dean feels bad that Cas is in such a good mood because he feels like he's going to destroy that as soon as they're done here. 

"And you must be Dean," the woman beams, pulling him out of his thoughts as she comes out from behind the counter to shake his hand, "Castiel told me about you on the phone. My name's Donna."

"Nice to meet you, Donna. Do you make all of these?" Dean asks, looking around at the display cases full of the most beautifully decorated cupcakes and cookies he's ever seen. 

"I do. Me and my partner Jody."

"They're beautiful," Cas comments, peering through the glass at a tray of cupcakes that Dean would swear have real flowers on them.

"Well, thank you," Donna grins, "but you boys are here for cake today, so let me just go grab the samples." She twirls back behind the counter and disappears into a back room.

"I like her," Dean grins.

"I always pick the best," Cas smiles back, and Dean's stomach twists, because he knows he's talking about him. Luckily, Donna returns before he can think too much about how shitty he is, holding out a tray with various pieces of cake cut into small squares. She leans on the counter, setting the tray in front of her. 

"So," she says, then waves for Cas to come closer, "we have a basic vanilla or chocolate," she points to each piece as she goes, "white chocolate with either raspberry or strawberry and a blueberry coconut."

"Sounds fantastic," Dean nods, turning to Cas, "what do you think?"

"They all sound amazing. I know Meg isn't overly fond of coconut, but honestly," he shrugs like he wants to say something else but stops himself, "let's try that one first."

Cas takes the piece that Donna pushes toward him, trying to figure out how to bite it before shoving the whole thing in his mouth. He nods as he chews, and frowns at Dean, nudging him with his forearm when he realizes Dean isn't eating any. 

Donna offers the tray to him, and Dean takes the second piece of cake, following Cas' lead. Dean's not normally one for cake, but this is actually fantastic. He says as much to Donna when he finishes eating, and she just beams at him. 

The white chocolate is just as good, both with raspberry and strawberry. Cas decides on the raspberry, and Dean can't fault him on that because it is delicious. 

Cas explains to her how many people will be there, and in turn, Donna explains to them both the sizes of the tiers and roughly how many people each tier will feed at what size. Cas is absurd, and his wedding is huge, so he ends up deciding on three cakes; the one largest and two smaller ones. The decoration he wants is nothing fancy, just lilies, and then whatever else Donna thinks would look good. 

As their appointment nears its end, Dean starts to fidget, and Cas seems to notice, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye, but he doesn't mention anything. Donna double and triple checks everything with Cas, making a note of it in her book, and Dean takes one of her cards because he is sure as hell coming back here again, even if she's a little out of the way. 

Donna wishes them a good day, and as they leave the bakery, Cas pulls him aside, stopping just outside the door. He waits for it to close, keeping one hand curled around Dean's arm. 

"What's wrong?" he asks, "everything was fine and then you just..." he trails off, and Dean knows he can't put this off any longer, as much as he wants to just stop everything and kiss Cas right there and then. But that's the thing; he can't. Cas isn't his, as much as it might seem like it sometimes. 

"Can we talk?" he asks, and Cas nods slowly.

"Yeah, of course." Dean nods toward the car, and Cas follows him, sliding into the passenger seat.

"You mind taking a little drive?"

"No."

Dean turns the key in the ignition and immediately turns the stereo down, trying to remember everything he told himself on the drive here. It'll be okay, he tells himself, he survived without Cas for years before he met him, he just has to do it again. He has Charlie and Sam and Benny and Jo, and he will be fine. 

They pull out of the parking lot, leaving Cas' car behind, and Dean just turns onto the road. He has no idea where he's going, and maybe that's for the best. 

"I can't do this anymore," he blurts out in the middle of an intersection, blatantly ignoring the entire speech he had planned. Cas doesn't respond, and Dean knows that he knows what he's talking about. "This isn't just about you and me, and it's not some stupid game we're playing. I feel great when I'm with you, I feel fucking fantastic whenever I'm with you, but when you're gone? When you're home alone, or worse, with Meg? It's like everything comes down on me all at once, and I feel like complete shit."

Cas keeps quiet, just staring out the windshield, and Dean continues, "I feel so guilty," he adds, more softly, "real people are involved here. Meg doesn't deserve what we're doing to her, regardless of whether she knows. She deserves better, Cas, and I want her to have that." 

"Me too," Cas admits. His words are heavy, like they've been waiting for too long to be spoken, but are too hard to say. 

"I don't think I can finish this," Dean admits, and Cas finally turns to look at him.

"What do you mean?"

"Your wedding. For all our sake's I think it's best if I step back. We've made final decisions on a lot of the important things, and I can find you someone just as good-"

"Dean, I don't want someone else."

The words hurt more than Cas could possibly know, and Dean has to bite the inside of his lip to keep himself from doing something stupid like crying. 

"I can't be around you without wanting to kiss you. Even when we're talking to Meg, half the time I can't think of anything other than the way your hands feel on me, or whatever stupid thing we did the night before. If you want to keep working together, a lot is going to have to change."

"I can do that," Cas assures him, "I just don't want anyone but you."

"This has to be it for us," Dean affirms, "I can't do this otherwise."

"Okay."

Dean hates him a little for how fucking calm and casual he is about this whole thing; he wants to scream at Cas that he fucking loves him and now everything is fucked up because he can't be with him. He settles instead for dead silence, and Cas follows suit. 

When they get back to the bakery, Dean's gripping the wheel so hard his knuckles are white, and he can barely bring himself to relax when the car stops. Cas undoes his seatbelt and pauses before opening the door. He turns back toward Dean, and shifts toward him.

"I know you said no more," he says quietly, "but just, let me have this." He leans in slowly as Dean shuts his eyes as Cas' fingertips brush along the edge of his jaw. His lips press against him soft and slow, and Dean wants to scream or cry or fuck because this is too real. It feels like goodbye, and he doesn't know how to deal with that. His lips part voluntarily, and Cas deepens the kiss just briefly before pulling away. 

He slips out of the car silently, and Dean can't bear to sit there, so he turns the key and gets the fuck out of there. He takes the long way home because he knows Cas won't - no one would, because it adds an extra forty-five minutes of driving, but he doesn't want to be anywhere with anyone right now, so he turns left. 

He turns on the radio because AC/DC is not breakup music, and it just hurts his head. He doesn't think about it. He doesn't think about it so hard that he winds up missing his turn and ending up on some dirt road in the middle of who knows where, and then the fucking radio DJ has the fucking nerve to play _Goodbye Baby_. He loves this fucking song, and he doesn't need this tainting it for him. 

He pulls off onto the side of the road, with nothing but farmland on either side of him, and tries to catch his breath. Instead, he punches the steering wheel. His eyes burn, and it feels like there's something stuck in his throat, and he has no way to fix it. 

Once the tears start, he can't fucking stop, and it's stupid and he feels like some dumb character from some dumb, stupid romance movie sitting on the side of the road and crying, but he can't help it. He bangs his head against the steering wheel and turns the car off, focusing on keeping his breathing even. 

He can do this, one step at a time, and step one is getting home in one piece, so he just sits there for half an hour until he's ready to drive again, and makes his way home slowly. He can do this.


	27. Chapter 27

Dean doesn't sleep at all that night, so he's exhausted, and when he remembers he has a meeting with Cas to finalize the venue for the rehearsal dinner, he's irritable on top of it. He puts on a pot of coffee and drinks most of it before Cas arrives, and then has to put another pot on because he's not going to make it through this meeting if he doesn't have something to do with his hands. Charlie was right; everyone was right, he should have just called this off completely, he shouldn't have let Cas convince him to keep going despite all the warning signs. Now it's too late, and he's still got months left with Cas and Meg. 

Cas gets there early and it's the first time Dean's wanted a client to be late instead. He sits beside him on the couch so they can look over all the venues they've looked at. Dean's got it all laid out neatly; organized so that if Cas wants to look at something it's right there in front of him - he did it on purpose to try and keep the meeting flowing and hopefully get it over with as soon as possible, but Cas won't stop touching things. He keeps pulling things aside to get a closer look at them, and normally Dean wouldn't mind - this is Cas' wedding and he wants everything to be perfect. Only it's not perfect, everything is fucked up beyond words and Dean _knows_ he's just doing this now to piss him off or get him to lose his temper. It's working too because Dean's going on zero sleep, he's on edge already planning the wedding of someone he's in love with and just broke up with, and the two litres of caffeine isn't helping his mental state. 

He does his best to stay focused, and stay calm, because he doesn't want to make things any more awkward between the two of them, but it goes on for an hour and a half, and Dean's patience starts to wear thin. Cas is paying little to no attention now, and Dean is starting to realize why Cas is so exasperated at Meg all the time when she won't give her input. At least then, Cas can make decisions on his own, Dean doesn't get that option. Still, he reorganizes the papers in front of them and picks up his tablet from the table to double-check seating arrangements. 

Cas apparently, is done with this meeting because he takes Dean's tablet right out of his hands and puts it right on top of all the other papers, looking Dean straight in the eye.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you mean? The same thing we've been doing for two hours, which should really only take like, fifteen minutes tops."

"I mean, you're doing that thing again."

"Right," Dean says, because he has no idea what Cas is going on about.

"When you act all professional, like I'm some guy off the street."

"It's my job, Cas."

"You're treating me like I'm just some client-"

"You are," Dean retorts, "we talked about this, I told you what it's going to take to keep me, this is it. If you don't like it, find a new wedding planner."

"I don't want a new wedding planner."

"Cas," Dean starts, trying to stay calm, but the caffeine is zipping through his veins and he just wants to throw something, "I thought you wanted to do this?"

"I do," Cas shoots back, "but I want you to stop pretending like nothing fucking happened!"

"What else am I supposed to do, Cas? I'm planning your fucking wedding."

"You think I don't know that?"

"I didn't say that, Cas, but honestly? You're making this pretty fucking hard for me. I'm doing my best to hold up my end, and now you're getting pissed at me for it? What the fuck did I do?"

"Nothing," Cas bites, but Dean's just fucking pissed off now. 

"So let me get this straight," Dean starts, "I try to stop this, I try to move on and get out of this whatever it is, and you say no and drag me back just to start yelling at me when I try to do my job, which is what you hired me to do in the first place? Cas, this is why I wanted to stop, because we can't work together, we can't be fucking friends."

"I fucking know that, Dean. I've known for months that this was all going to go to shit-"

"Then why did you do it?" Dean's shouting now, and he's been waiting months for this because none of this is fucking fair, and he just wants out now because there's no coming back from this now; there's no way Dean and Cas ends well. "Why the fuck did you kiss me in the first place, and why did you not stop when you realized you were fucking things up for us?" 

"Because I love you!" Cas shouts back, "I'm supposed to be marrying Meg in five months and I'm fucking in love with you." He sounds like he's running out of steam, but Dean's too hyped up to process that and his mouth is working faster than his brain at this point.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" he asks flatly. 

"What the fuck am _I_ supposed to do with that, Dean? Do you think I want to be in love with my fucking wedding planner, with my best friend? Do you think I want to fuck up my entire life and hurt the person who's always been the closest to me? No, I don't want any of that. I didn't do this to piss you off."

Dean's brain catches up, and shuts down. A month ago, hearing that Cas loves him would have made him happier than anything, but his timing is off. He can't love Dean, because he loves Meg, and he's marrying Meg. Thats' all there is to it.

Dean doesn't know what to do or what to say, so he just sits there and stares at the papers scattered in front of them.

"I guess that's that, then," Cas says simply, and Dean can't do anything but sit and watch as Cas picks his stuff up and leaves. He's not going to stop him, he's got no right to; he's the one who ended things, and besides, Cas is marrying someone else. So he sits and watches as Cas walks out of his living room and out the front door. 

It doesn't fully sink in until long after he's gone, and Dean's left shaking with a combination of fear and rage and absolutely devastation that he doesn't have the mental capacity to cope with. He wants to chuck his tablet through the window, he wants to tear up every hard copy he has of everything pertaining to the Novak wedding, but he doesn't. He punches the wall instead. 

Pain shoots up his arm and he swears loudly, dropping to his knees in the hallway. With any luck, this will be the the final straw and Cas will go out and find himself a new wedding planner that Dean can pass everything along to, and then he can stay out of Cas and Meg's lives forever. 

There is a part of him that definitively wants that; to be out of their lives forever so they can all move on with their lives. At that point, it's up to Cas whether he wants to tell Meg he's been cheating on her for fucking months, and whether he wants to mention Dean's name or not, and he'll just be there. He'll pick up new clients, plan them the most beautiful wedding and watch everyone move on around him like he's been doing. 

Then again, there's the part of him that froze when Cas said he loves him; the part of him that still kind of wants to go after him and tell him he loves him so fucking much, so much he can't think about anything else, but that's not fair. It's not fair to Cas, and it's not fair to Meg, so that part of Dean gets tucked away where it can't do any damage, and he leans against the wall, and wonders where he went so fucking wrong.

He's been sitting there for an hour, leaning against the wall and cradling his hand, when his phone buzzes in his pocket. It's awkward to get it out of his pocket and he bumps his hand against his knee, sending pain shooting up through his wrist again, and it's almost too much. There's one unread message when he looks at the screen, and he hopes it's Cas firing him, that's about all he can handle right now. It's not, and he doesn't know how to feel when he reads the words. He half-expected it, if he's honest because they've reached the point of no return and run screaming over the edge. 

In front of him, in plain English are three little words that no matter how hard he tries, Dean can't figure out how to feel about them: _I'm telling Meg_.

He wants to cry, to scream, to run away and not have to deal with it, but if his mother taught him anything, it's that you have to take responsibility for your actions, and Dean has a lot to account for. 

He watches the shadows on the wall for what feels like ages, and it's getting dark outside the window before he works up the courage to call Charlie. Mostly because he knows she won't be sympathetic, and he's pretty sure if anyone yells at him right now, he might actually break. _This is your own fault_ , he reminds himself as the phone rings, preparing him for whatever Charlie has to say that he inevitably doesn't want to hear, _whatever happens, you did this to yourself_. 

She finally picks up the phone the third time he calls, and she sounds legitimately concerned.

"What are you doing right now?" he asks, and his voice sounds broken, even to his own ears, and rough with disuse. 

"I'm at work, is everything okay?"

"No," he admits, swallowing back a wave of emotion, "I need to talk to you, can you take lunch or something?"

"Dean, it's like nine o'clock, I'm staying late doing inventory- what's going on?"

"Just lost track of time," he mumbles. 

"Okay, give me five minutes and I'll head over."

"Thank you." He ends the call without waiting for a response and drops his phone to the ground, tilting his head down and rubbing his good hand over his eyes. 

Charlie shows up less than ten minutes later and has to use the spare key to let herself in because Dean can't bring himself to stand up and let her in. She finds him without much effort, dropping down to sit next to him. 

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"I'll live. I got in a fight with Cas."

To her credit, Charlie gives him her most sympathetic face, "about what?"

"I told him yesterday that this had to be the end. I tried to quit but he didn't want me to and that we would be fine, but we're not. We were supposed to be talking about wedding stuff this morning and-"

"And?" Charlie prompts. 

"And he was pissed off that I was trying to act like a professional, and I couldn't just talk to him. I got no fucking sleep because I spent half of my day parked on the side of the road and the rest of it staring up at my ceiling wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life and then-" he pauses to breath, exhaling slowly, "I drank so much fucking coffee this morning just to keep me awake-"

"Dean, what do you mean you spent half your day on the side of the road?"

"Doesn't matter," Dean sidesteps, "I just wanted to make things easier, so I treated him like I would any client. He's the one who wanted to keep working together."

"Makes sense."

"Exactly, but then he got all defensive and we started yelling and he," Dean exhales slowly, drawing it out, "he told me he loves me."

"He _what_?" Charlie demands, turning to face him, "what did he say?"

"He told me he's supposed to be getting married in five months, but he's _fucking in love with me_."

"What did you say?"

Dean groans and bangs his head against the wall, "I just yelled at him some more."

" _Shit_."

"Yeah," Dean agrees, "Charlie, I- I don't know what to do. I've never- he means so much to me, but I can't just go and tell him that-" he takes a quick breath and shuts his eyes, willing himself not to cry, "I should have quit the second he kissed me."

"If you could go back now, knowing what you know, would you? Would you just up and quit and never get to know him?"

"Yes," he says, and it comes out so quickly and so easily that it actually hurts, "yeah, I'd walk of that first meeting if I could do back."

"I honestly wasn't expecting that."

"I feel like shit, I haven't felt like this since Dad died, but this is different and I have no one to blame but myself."

"Don't do that. You're not the one who was engaged when this started, remember. It takes two."

"I feel like an idiot."

"Don't," Charlie says softly, leaning into him, "I know was hard on you, but we all fuck up, Dean. No one gets to choose who they fall for. Can I tell you a secret?"

"You know you can."

"I think about Dorothy every day of my life. I love Gilda, and I wouldn't do anything to hurt our family, but I still love Dorothy and it sucks. I dream about her, and for a day or so I won't stop thinking about her, and how much I miss her, but when it comes down to it, she's my past. I promise you, you will find someone who makes you feel like you're their whole entire world, and you will have a beautiful family. It might just take some time." 

She pulls him over so he's leaning against her shoulder, but it dislodges his hand, and he groans at the pain, twitching away from her.

"What's wrong?"

"I think I broke my hand."

"What did you do?"

"I punched a wall?"

\- - - - -

Dean hates hospitals at the best of times, and he's already having a shitty day, so sitting in the waiting room is ten times worse than it should be. On top of that, he hasn't been fired, so at some point, he's going to have to explain to Cas why his hand is a fucking mess. Charlie's sitting next to him, filling out the forms for him because his hand is completely out of commission, and she's the only thing that keeps him from walking out the front doors and just driving as far away as he can get.

After what feels like forever, Dean finally gets in to see the doctor, only to find out exactly what he knew all along; his hand is broken, and he's going to be totally useless for a few weeks. He ends up with a splint on his hand that he'll be stuck with for minimum three weeks, and then Charlie drives him home to wallow in his misery a little more. She doesn't even let him stop at the hardware store to pick up a patch and putty to fix his wall. 

His alarm goes off the next morning because he forgot to turn it off, but he just ignores it, and eventually, it stops. He doesn't get out of bed, but when both Sam and Charlie call to check up on him, he lies and tells them he's working on a plan for his office, which actually isn't a bad idea, he just doesn't have the effort or the energy for it right now. He wasn't lying to Charlie, the last time he felt this shitty was when his dad died; since then it's been varying degrees of crappiness, but he's finally sunk down to a new low, and this time he's anxiously awaiting a call from either Cas or Meg to tell him they're firing him. 

Nothing comes.

Dean's on edge for the next six days waiting for a call that doesn't come, but then his phone bleeps at him one night, and he knows he's going to have to face the Novaks, even if they don't want to talk to him. The notification is one he set himself, a reminder that he has to check up on Meg and her dress because they're running out of time to do alterations if they need to, and Dean just groans to himself because Meg is the last person he wants to be talking to right now, other than maybe Cas himself. 

He also has no idea whether Cas has talked to her or not, so he doesn't want to just call her to talk about dresses and end up getting screamed at for sleeping with her fiancee, not that he would blame her. He has to do it, but maybe he can get away with calling Cas first to find out if they've talked, just so he knows whether or not to brace himself when he calls Meg. 

He picks up his phone and then puts it back on the table. He can't do it. He's a fucking coward and he can't even bring himself to call Cas and ask him a simple question. Taking a deep breath, Dean searches through his contacts and selects Cas' name, pressing the call button and watches as it rings, and rings, and goes to voicemail. Dean frowns at his phone and tries again. Nothing. 

As far as he knows, there's no reason Cas shouldn't be answering his phone; it's noon on a Monday, and Cas works from home. He tries again, and still gets no answer, except this time it goes straight to voicemail. He tries to pretend that he's not worried, but after his calls go straight to voicemail three times in a row, Dean grabs his keys from the table and heads for the door. He pauses just before opening it and drops his keys on the hall table before calling a cab and going to sit on the front steps. 

When he gets to Cas' place, he walks up to the side door and knocks, but gets no answer. Either Cas is so pissed off at him that he's not answering the door just in case it's him, or something's wrong, so Dean turns the handle and lets himself in. 

Cas is in the living room, slumped on the couch and looking like he hasn't moved in a week. At first glance, he seems mostly okay, so Dean walks over and flops into the adjacent loveseat holding his arm gingerly. 

"So what is it then? Are you ignoring me because you're mad, or because you don't know how to let me go, because if it's the latter-" he doesn't need to be so bitter, but he's feeling spiteful, and part of him wants to push Cas into firing him. 

"I thought I told I wasn't going to fire you."

"Great," Dean rolls his eyes, "then I need to know if you've talked to Meg because I need to."

"I talked to her."

"Helpful, what did she say?"

"I don't imagine anything that's important to you at this point. Why are you here, Dean?"

"I told you, I need to talk to Meg, you weren't answering your phone, did you tell her about us?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"She wasn't surprised."

"I- she what?"

Cas turns to face him, hauling himself up where he sits, "Dean, I broke up with Meg."

He nearly chokes, "you _what_?"

"Everything you said was true, she deserves better. You deserve better."

"I don't-" he argues instinctively. Half his brain is running at superspeed, and the other half has come to a complete halt. 

"Don't argue with me."

"So what did- what did she say?"

"That is was inevitable, that I haven't been myself lately-"

"Hypocrite," Dean mutters.

"Yes, well it turns out the reason she hasn't been interested in anything is also why our conversation went so smoothly."

"Which is?"

"Bryan."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Cas huffs a laugh, "she hasn't slept with him, at least one of us has morals. He's her new boss, and apparently, she tried not to feel anything for him, and they tried to be friends, but shit happens, right? She apparently doesn't know how things are going to go, but doesn't want to risk making a mistake, which," he says slowly, "I understand. I love her, but I'm just- I'm not in love with her anymore, and the more I think about it the clearer that becomes to me. I don't want to be her mistake, and I don't want her to be mine."

"You're not a mistake, Cas."

"Really? Tell me how I'm not just one mistake after another?" He pushes himself up and falls back against the couch.

"Are you drunk?"

"Maybe," he shrugs. Cas' phone buzzes on the coffee table, and they both turn to look at it, but Cas just shrugs again and turns away. 

"Do you want anything?" Dean asks, and he knows he's going to regret this, because this is the out he's been looking for, but he can't just leave Cas here like this. Self-inflicted or not, he did just end a fifteen-year relationship. 

"No."

"Too bad. I'm gonna order pizza anyway, and you can kick me out as soon as you've eaten something and had a shower."

Cas argues, but Dean eventually wins and gets him upstairs into the shower while he waits for the pizza to show up. He sits and watches as Cas' phone goes off four more times before the pizza arrives. Cas stumbles back down the stairs a few minutes later wearing only a pair of sweatpants, and plops himself onto the couch at the opposite end of Dean. 

"Dude, Lucifer's been calling you non-stop, I'd be a little concerned."

"That's just Luke," Cas mumbles, "Lucifer was his nickname as a kid, and it just kind of stuck." The phone goes off again, as if on cue, and Cas ignores it.

"You should answer that."

"He'll give up."

"Cas, seriously. If I had called Sam twenty times and he wasn't picking up, I'd be freaking the fuck out, imagining all the ways he could have died. If you don't wanna talk, that's fine, but let him know you're okay."

"Fine," Cas huffs, snatching the phone off the table. He stumbles up the stairs, to hopefully talk to his brother, and Dean sets up Netflix while he's gone, finding something to keep him distracted. When Cas gets back, Dean actually gets him to sit with him, and they finish their pizza in silence. 

Everything is going as well as Dean could ask for, until Balthazar barges in, demanding Cas talk to him because he's being sick of being ignored. Cas gets defensive immediately, rising to his feet and starting toward Balthazar. There's some shouting, and Cas drops the no more wedding bomb, and for some reason that's what sets Balth off. 

"So what, now you're rebounding with your wedding planner? Classy, Cas."

Cas just lets out a dark laugh, that's actually a lot more frightening than it should be and walks right up to Balthazar, "jokes on you, I've been fucking him the whole time." Balthazar doesn't seem to know what to do with that, and he pulls Cas into the kitchen, where he promptly starts shouting again. 

Dean's never seen Cas so pissed off about anything, and it's a little scary. He doesn't know whether he should stay or go, or what, but he's pretty sure if Balthazar has his way, he'll be out of the house in the next five minutes. 

As it turns out, he's wrong, and Cas literally pushes his best friend out the door, slamming it behind him before returning to Dean. Dean stands to face him, and Cas sighs.

"I'm sorry that happened, and I'm sorry about what I said. I was just mad."

"It's okay Cas, I get it."

"Um, thank you, for the pizza and the company, but I think I just wanna go to bed."

"Yeah, that's cool. Just don't- what I said before, about us not being friends? I didn't mean that, and I'm sorry I was a dick when I got here. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call, okay?"

"Thank you."

\- - - - -

The second Dean leaves the house, his thoughts explode. Yeah, Cas had mentioned once that he didn't want to get married, but he didn't think he'd been serious, and the last time they spoke, he'd told Dean he loves him. He doesn't know what to do, so he sits on the curb and calls his mom.

"Hey, Dean, how's it going?"

"I don't know," he says honestly.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think I can come over?"

"Of course, honey, you know you're always welcome."

"Do you think you can pick me up?"

"What happened to your car?"

"Nothing, I broke my hand."

"Dean-" she starts, "no, nevermind. Where are you?" 

He gives her directions to a park a block away because he doesn't want her to pick him up outside Cas' place. Mary finds him a few minutes later, and he climbs into the passenger seat, struggling with his seatbelt. When they get to the house, Mary makes them tea, and Dean curls up on the couch. He wants to curl up and die, and that just doesn't make any sense to him because really, this is what he wanted right?

"So," Mary says, setting a mug down in front of him, and sitting down with her own in her lap, "why don't you start from the beginning?"

"You know the beginning."

"This is about Cas?"

"Yeah. He um, he told me he loves me and then broke up with his fiancee."

"Oh."

"I don't know what to do."

"About what? Your job?"

"Everything?" Dean asks, like he's looking for an answer, "my job, my best friend, the fact that I'm still fucking in love with him? I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I should be happy, or relieved, but I just feel nauseous."

Mary smiles sadly at him, "that's how love works, sweetie. Sometimes everything is going along fine and then _bam_ , it hits you. Do you know why I never remarried?"

Dean shakes his head, "never really thought about, I guess."

"I had this one friend, and he was wonderful to me. When your dad passed, he would go out to pick up groceries for me when I didn't have the energy, and he'd sit with me and listen to me talk about John for hours. He asked me to dinner one night, and I thought why the hell not? It had been a few years at this point, so I thought I would be ready to date again, and we had a great time, but when I got home that night and saw that picture of your dad on my nightstand, I just sat and cried. I missed him so much more that night, and I couldn't explain it. Obviously, I never saw that man again - not romantically, anyway, and he understood. It just seemed so stupid to me at the time, to not be able to go on one date, but the heart works in strange ways."

Dean huffs a laugh, "so what you're telling me, is that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life?"

"Just like your mother," she teases. "No Dean, I believe you will find someone that makes you feel like no one else, but in the meantime, maybe get a puppy. You could get me one too, if you're so concerned about me being alone forever." she smiles at him, and Dean can't help but return the expression. He really does love his mom.


	28. Chapter 28

He ends up spending the night at his Mom's, because he doesn't want to go home to an empty house right now, and she drives him home the next afternoon after ensuring that he eats breakfast. He has dinner plans with Sam later that night, so he has a nap when he gets home, because he's barely been sleeping lately, and he doesn't want to fall asleep on Sam and have to explain his whole sad story again. 

When he crawls out of bed, he showers and fixes his hair for the first time in what must be weeks - lately, he's just been pushing it to one side and leaving it at that. When he's done, he actually looks semi-presentable, even with the huge purple bags under his eyes. Dean thinks he's done a pretty good job tonight; Sam disagrees.

"Dude, what happened?" he asks, seconds after Dean sits down.

"Nothing," Dean lies, flipping his menu up to look through it. Sam frowns at him. 

"We've been over this, keeping secrets doesn't work."

"I'm not keeping secrets. Nothing happened to me. I'm fine. What are you having?"

"Dean, when was the last time you slept? And what happened to your hand?"

"I dunno," Dean says quietly, hoping Sam won't hear him. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore; he wants all of this to be over and done with because everything fucking hurts. Sam doesn't reply, but he's got that stupid sympathetic look on his face that makes Dean twitchy.

"Cas called off the wedding."

Sam's face twists and he sets his menu back down on the table slowly, "Jesus, are you serious? Is it because-"

"I uh- I have no idea. I hope not."

" _Shit_."

"Yeah," Dean agrees, "and I should be glad right? That they broke up? That he's single now?" He pauses, then, " _Jesus_ , I feel shitty even thinking that." 

"Wow, Dean, you're like a decent human being or something."

"Shut up." He has a much better retort, but his phone has started vibrating in his pocket and he's itching to answer it. He pulls it out and sees Cas' name across the screen, and looks up at Sam. He needs to know where he stands with Cas, and he can see on Sam's face that he already knows who it is. 

"Do you mind?" he asks.

"No, go ahead."

Dean picks up with a polite, "hold on," and heads out into the parking lot to talk to him. The night is warm, and Dean regrets wearing a flannel over his t-shirt, but he regrets a lot of things, and after the rest of his... pretty much his entire year so far, this barely makes the list. 

"Sorry," he says into the phone, leaning against the diner, "what's up?"

"I've been thinking about a lot of things," Cas starts, then backtracks, "well no, I've been thinking about you. A lot."

Dean's heart skips, and he has to remind himself that he ended things with Cas; this isn't just some ploy to get back together. "Yeah?" he manages to ask. 

"Yes, and um, I'd like to see you tonight, if that's okay?" Dean's blood pounds through his veins, and he knows he should say no, because this whole situation is a mess, and even if Cas is single now, he just ended a serious, long-term relationship and Dean doesn't want to be the rebound guy. 

Against his better judgment, he agrees anyway, "yeah, we can do that."

"Now?" Cas asks, and his tone is off, but Dean can't place what exactly is different about it.

"Give me like, ten minutes?"

"Okay," Cas says, sounding relieved, "I'll see you soon."

Dean puts his phone back in his pocket and tips his head back against the brick wall. It's a beautiful clear night, and he plays with the idea of walking to the park if Cas wants to talk, because he's done shit all with his summer, and besides, being in public drastically reduces the chance that he will do something stupid. 

He heads back inside but doesn't sit down immediately. Sam looks up at him questioningly, "what's up?"

"That was Cas, he wants to talk."

"You want me to drive you home?" Sam offers, and Dean's lips curl up at the corners, despite himself. How in the hell did he manage to end up with such an awesome little brother.

"Do you mind?"

"Not at all," Sam shakes his head, "you guys have a lot of shit to figure out, he needs you more than I do right now."

"Thanks, Sammy."

"Besides, you could probably benefit from sitting down and talking too."

"Yeah, whatever. Quit while you're ahead." 

Sam laughs and they pick up their stuff and head out, apologizing to the server at the front for leaving so soon. Sam's quiet on the drive home, but Dean knows he's dying to say something; to tell Dean to talk to him and tell Cas how he feels or something of the like. Dean knows he won't, and he makes a point of telling Sam that before he has a chance to bring it up. 

Cas is already at his house by the time they get there, and Sam gives him a quick _good luck_ before sending him on his way. Dean makes a mental note to do pay Sam back in some way, because he's been the one cutting all their dinners short, and Sam's just going along with it. 

He slips out of the front seat as easily as he can one-handedly, and Cas stands up from where he's sitting on the front steps and frowns slightly, "I didn't realize you were with Sam, you could have just said no."

"Nah, it's fine. I was on my way home anyway." He heads up the stairs and awkwardly unlocks the front door, letting Cas in before him. He closes the door and crosses to sit on the couch, only to find Cas' frown has switched to something of concern. 

"What did you do to your hand?"

"It was like this last time I saw you," Dean mutters, tossing his keys on the side table and slouching in the armchair. 

"I was distracted. You're changing the subject."

"It's not important," Dean argues. 

"Dean, your hand is in a splint, and I'm assuming that's why Sam drove you home? If you've hurt yourself badly enough that you can't drive, I'd say that's important."

"I thought you wanted to talk?" 

" _Dean._ "

"I punched a wall, okay?" he blurts.

"What happened?" Cas shifts forward in his seat like he's going to try and touch his hand, but he thinks better of it, and sits back, frowning at Dean instead. 

"After you left last week, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was mad, and I punched a wall... broke my hand."

"I'm sorry," Cas says softly.

"It's fine," Dean huffs, "'s not your fault anyway."

Cas makes a face like he doesn't believe him, but Dean just ignores it. He sits forward in his seat, leaning on his knees, then shifts back again, trying to get comfortable. He's too worked up right now; this was a stupid idea. Whoever decided that people should talk about their feelings is an idiot. His stomach feels like it's been turned inside out and he's stuck somewhere between wanting to kiss Cas or punch him, and he doesn't know what to do with himself. It's too much. 

"Are you okay?" Cas asks, and Dean immediately shoots that down with a change of subject, 

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Us," Cas says simply, and Dean's heart does that stupid little flip-flop that it does when Cas does anything. The side of him that wants to kiss Cas is definitely winning this internal war. "I know we've said a lot of things lately, and I just wanted to sit down and talk."

"So talk," Dean says, and it comes out a lot angrier than he means it to, but Cas doesn't seem bothered by it.

"Before I met you, I thought I knew what I wanted. I was going to marry Meg, and we were gonna have a family, and then I met you, and that perfect world split into two very different ones. I still loved Meg, or I wanted to, but I also had you and I wasn't prepared to give either of you up. It wasn't fair on either of you, but I had the opportunity then, to take one path or the other," he pauses and sighs, "you made a choice, then I made a choice and now I just feel lost.

"I wake up in the morning and I expect to be meeting with you, but then it all comes back to me, and I just kind of exist for a while until I can bring myself to work. I don't even know what to do with myself. I've been with Meg since middle school, and she was part of my identity."

"No one is part of your identity but you, Cas. You proved that to me the whole time we were together."

"I don't know how to be single," he sighs, and Dean's brain helpfully offers _then don't_ , "but I don't want to be in a relationship either."

"I don't know how to help you with that," Dean mutters, and he has to remind himself again that he's the one who called off their affair because he's coming across a little bitter, "I can barely figure out my own relationships - you've experienced that firsthand."

"I don't want you to," Cas says, then corrects, "I'm not asking you to. I just want you to be there; I want us to be friends."

"If you're worried about what I said the other day, I didn't actually mean it. I mean, I meant it at the time, but things change. I don't want to lose you."

"Me neither," Cas smiles. "Um, I do have a favour to ask, though."

"Is that why you want to be friends?" Dean jokes miserably, but Cas just scowls at him.

"You know I wouldn't do that, you mean too much to me."

"Yeah, you uh, made that pretty clear last week," Dean cringes at his own words, "sorry, that was a dick thing to say."

"No, you're right, I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't mean to dump all of that on you."

"Look," Dean sighs, "can we just- let's just forget about it okay? We fucked a lot of things up in the last few months, and if we want to be friends- which I do, we should just start over."

Cas nods solemnly, "we can do that. There are some things I would like not to think about right now."

"Me too," Dean mumbles, "but, uh, what was that favour you wanted to ask?"

"Oh, right. I want to find somewhere new to live. I know it seems silly, especially considering I spent more time there with you than I did with her, but I can't stay in that house." The way Cas phrases it makes Dean wonder if maybe the reason he wants to leave is _because_ they spent so much time together. If he was in Cas' shoes, and he was the one who blurted out that he was in love with him, he'd want a fresh start too. 

"Yeah, definitely. I think I still have my realtor's card around here somewhere, I'll find it for you in the morning."

"Thank you, Dean. I don't know what I'd do without you." _Me neither_ , Dean thinks, but he just flashes Cas a confident grin and makes an excuse to leave the room for a few minutes. 

Cas ends up spending the night - not one of Dean's better decisions, because he lies awake thinking about the man downstairs; wondering if the couch is too lumpy or if he's warm enough with just one blanket, which is ridiculous because it's August and Dean can't even stand to have a sheet over him, never mind a blanket.

\- - - - -

He doesn't hear from him for a little while after that, but then Cas texts him one day to let him know he's going to look at places, and asks if Dean will come along with him for moral support. He wants to say no, because he's already having a hard enough time with all this as it is, but he's never been able to say no to Cas. He says yes because he's an idiot, and because he's hopeless.

They find him an apartment; nothing special, just a smallish two bedroom place with a view of the river. It's nothing like the house he bought with Meg; it's bright and open and everything he needs to start his new life, according to Cas. Dean tries not to think too hard about what the new life includes - or rather, who it doesn't. When he looks around the place, he doesn't get the sense that it's somewhere Cas really wants to be; they've only looked at two other places, both of which were single room apartments, and Cas wants a separate room for his writing. _Temporary_ is the word that floats around in Dean's head, but he doesn't risk saying it for fear that Cas will confirm that he's literally moving on. It doesn't help that this place is a rental, and renting is rarely permanent.

As far as emotions go, Cas seems _okay_. He's not happy, per se, but he's not miserable either, he seems to just kind of _exist_ , and maybe that's what worries Dean the most; that he's just going through the motions until he can find something better. He wonders if way back when, when Cas decided to propose to Meg instead of ending things, he didn't make the wrong choice; he never seems as cheerful as he used to, but he seems somehow lighter.

\- - - - -

They move Cas in, with help from Anna, a week later. It's another bad decision on Dean's part, because he can't stop thinking of the parallel between this and the night he and Cas spent together after he moved. When everything is in, and the heaviest and most awkward things are in place, Dean heads out. Anna tries to get him to stay, and she seems worried or upset when he won't, but Cas gets it, and he doesn't protest. There's a soft, almost sad smile on his lips as he says goodbye and thanks Dean again, and Dean thinks it looks something like regret, but he can't let himself dwell on that too much. He jokingly tells Anna to make sure Cas gets all his stuff put away, and she gives him a huge grin as he heads down the hall toward the elevator.

Inside, he slumps against the wall and calls Charlie because that's what he does when he doesn't know what to do. 

"Hey, how'd the move go?" she asks

"Good. I just narrowly escaped. Anna wanted me to stay and hang out, but after last time..."

"Good call. She seems nice, though. I still can't believe you did that for him."

"Yeah, well. I lost my brother for a while, I know what it's like, and then there's the whole I'd do anything to see him smile bullshit."

Charlie chuckles softly, "it'll get better. I thought I was going to die when Dorothy left, but I'm still here, and look at me now."

"Eating peanut butter straight from the jar and taking care of your emotionally unstable best friend?" he deadpans. 

"I don't eat it straight from the jar," she scoffs, "I use a spoon, I'm not uncivilized."

"Oh, I am so sorry. How's the little one treating you anyway?"

"Apart from the urge to eat everything and anything in sight? Not too bad. The morning sickness isn't great, but it usually sticks to the mornings, so I can still get shit done."

Dean smiles and pushes himself up on the wall, waiting for the little ding to announce he's arrived in the lobby, "I'm so happy for you guys."

"Me too, I can't wait to meet her."

"Her?" Dean quirks an eyebrow.

"I dunno, I've been saying her all week. I know you're supposed to wait until you find out and all that, but I just kind of feel like it's a girl." Charlie sighs, "I don't know how I'm going to get through this, I'm so impatient."

"We'll just have to suffer together. You can complain about your baby developing too slowly, and I'll torture myself by staying friends with my ex who I want to kiss every time I see him."

"Deal," Charlie laughs. The bell dings and the doors open, and Dean walks out of the elevator and out into the street.

"I miss you."

"Me too," Charlie agrees, "we should get together again soon. I know I keep saying that, but we should. It feels like forever since I've seen anyone but Gilda, and as lovely as she is, I miss my friends."

"We definitely should. I gotta go though, I have to call a cab, and I'm going to finally fix the hole in my wall today."

"Alright, you go do that. I'll talk to you later Dean."

"Bye Charlie."

He gets the stuff to fix the hole that day, but doesn't end up doing it. Instead, Dean sits on his couch and tries to figure out how he got here. The last seven months have been a fucking whirlwind and he's been thrown out on the other side with no idea which way is up. He was supposed to be working with the Novaks - Cas - for another four months still, and he doesn't have any other clients lined up so he has too much free time, and nothing to fill it. 

He binge watches everything on Netflix that so much as catches his eye - some good, some not so good - and rearranges his entire fucking house. He buys a new bed for the spare room, and does his best to convince himself that it's not so Cas will have somewhere comfortable to sleep should he ever end up spending the night again, and completely refurninshes his bedroom. He works on his car, and he starts plans and requests a building permit to put a garage on the west side of the house; he even draws up the plans himself, with a little help from a local architect.

By the end of the month, he's run out of things to distract him, and it's getting too cold to start actually working on the garage, so he makes a list of everything in his life that he wants to change, starting with talking to his mom more often.

\- - - - -

The first of October brings him a new wedding to focus on; a young couple having a small, Halloween wedding that requires very little planning. The whole thing is taking place at a hall that the mother of the bride has already rented, so he doesn't need to worry about finding a venue for the day, which he's thankful for because there's already so much going on at Halloween. He likes this couple, and it's something nice and simple for him to get back to after the travesty that was the Novak wedding. When he tells Charlie, she's thrilled that he's doing a Halloween wedding, and he offers to bring her along for the ride, mostly because he's not totally comfortable doing a wedding alone yet.

He has dinner with Sam and his mom the next night, and he tells them all about the wedding, and Charlie's involvement, though he leaves out the exact reasons why he's including her. They ask how things are going, and Dean carefully avoids talking about Cas unless directly asked. He can see on their faces that they're worried about him, and Sam has already said that he's taking too much on what with redoing his house and the garage and now a new wedding, but he has to get back to work at some point, and he needs somewhere to park his baby. Besides, the alternative is thinking about Cas, and thinking about Cas ends badly every single time, he should know, he's done a lot of it. 

He wants to ask for their advice, but he's already so sick of the sympathetic looks every time Cas is so much as mentioned, that he can't bring himself to do it. He sees them both more frequently though, making good on his promise to himself, and eventually, they both move on from being overly sympathetic all the time. Dean and Charlie meet with the Halloween couple often for the first couple weeks to make sure Dean knows exactly what they want, but then there's not a lot left to do for a while, so things settle down again, and he considers finding a second job for a while. 

Cas calls, usually in the evenings after dinner, and they talk a little, but it's forced, and Dean almost wishes he would stop trying, though he knows that's not what either of them wants. So they sit there on the phone, sometimes not even saying anything, and Dean knows somewhere deep down that this is not friendship; this isn't what normal people who just want to be friends do, but he can't let himself think that maybe Cas wants more because he can't face the rejection if he changes his mind.


	29. Chapter 29

The second week in September, Dean's scrolling through Facebook mindlessly, when he finds a post that catches his attention. An old friend from high school - one of those people he hasn't spoken to in years, but still has as a Facebook friend because he can't be bothered to remove her - is giving away puppies. They're mixed breed German Shepards, and the post is only a couple hours old, so Dean acts on a whim and calls the number. 

Half an hour later finds him waking up to the door of an old farmhouse. A short woman answers the door and grins at Dean.

"Hey," she smiles, "long time no see."

"Yeah, no kidding," Dean grins back, "how's it going, Eva?"

"Good, come on in, the puppies are in the back room."

He tells himself he's just there to look, to think about it, but the second he sits on the floor, he's absolutely smothered by a floppy-eared ball of fluff and he doesn't even think about it before scooping her up into his arms. She licks his face, and Dean wrinkles his nose.

"She likes you," Eva smiles.

"She's beautiful. When are they ready to go?"

"They don't have any of their shots yet, but they're ready to go whenever." 

Dean leaves the house with two nearly identical fluff balls bouncing around in the backseat. He shows up at his mom's doorstep, and when she opens the door, her face immediately breaks into a grin.

"You listened to me," she beams, but she's not even looking at Dean, her fingers already brushing through the thick fur of the puppy in his arms.

"I did, but this one's not mine." Mary stops and straightens up, looking at him questioningly, "well I couldn't just let my mom live alone for the rest of her life, and I wasn't gonna leave this little guy all alone either, so..."

"Dean," she smiles, taking the puppy from his arms, "you shouldn't have."

"Sure," Dean agrees, watching the way his mom curls her arms around the dog.

"What's his name?"

"I've been calling him Chevy, but he doesn't have a proper name. Or shots yet, but I can take him in when I take Hunter."

"Chevy," Mary smiles, looking down at the squirming lump, "I think your dad would've liked that. What do you think bud?" she asks. The puppy stretches up to lick her nose, and she giggles.

"I have to get food and stuff, so I should get going. I'll drop some stuff off in a little bit if you'll be home?"

"I'll be home. Thank you, Dean."

\- - - - -

Hunter settles in easily, claiming every surface in the house as her own personal lounger; everything, that is, except for the memory foam bed Dean bought specifically for her. The day he brought her home, he had made a firm decision that he wasn't going to have a dog lying at the end of his bed every night, and he was right; the end of the bed is way too far away for his furry, co-dependant roommate who enjoys nothing more than cuddling up with her nose pressed right against his. The best part of this is on his days off when she wakes him up by sticking her tongue out just far enough to lick his nose, and then flopping back onto the bed in excitement the second he opens his eyes.

Still, as much as she breaks all his rules, she's a good dog, and Dean doesn't know how he's lived so long without her. Plus, as an added bonus, he gets to see a lot more of his mom, because they take Chevy and Hunter to training classes together. 

He's got something to tell Cas about now when he calls in the evenings, and Cas has started writing again, so he shares bits and pieces with Dean. It's good; starting to get better as time goes on, but there's still an awkwardness that was never there before. Every time they talk, Cas promises to come and see Hunter, but Dean knows he won't; they're leading separate lives now, and the only thing they have to connect them is an affair that never should have happened in the first place. 

It's good to be able to talk normally with Cas again, but it makes him miss him that much more. On the worst nights, he'll hang up and drink until he has to go to bed, but most of the time he just curls up with Hunter in his lap and watches sappy movies all night.

\- - - - -

In one of his meetings with his new couple, Dean promised he would help with centerpieces for his new couple, and he's got an outline, and a rough sketch, but no idea where to start, so he calls Charlie. He's not sure if she's so excited because she gets to play with the puppy, or because she gets to do crafts with him, but he'll take what he can get.

They end up having to put up the gate across the living room/hallway doorway because the second Charlie starts unpacking her box of stuff, Hunter has her nose in it, trying to eat anything that moves. She looks so sad behind the gate that Dean promises he'll take her to the park for as long as she wants later, and Charlie laughs at him.

"So much for me being the first one to have a kid," she grins.

"Shut up," he frowns, but he ruffles hunter's ear before going back to sit with Charlie on the couch. 

The picture for the centerpieces is a foot and a half tall tree with candles, and Dean just sits there and looks at it. Charlie, on the other hand, starts telling him to go outside and gather some sticks and pulls out wire and a hot glue gun from her craft box. Dean gives her a funny look but does as he's told, venturing out into the cooling air to forage for sticks. 

By the time he gets back inside, Charlie's got the wire twisted around so it can hold the candle, and she's glued it so that it actually looks like a branch. He puts the sticks down in a pile on the coffee table and leans down over it. 

"Holy shit, Charlie, how did you do that?"

"Pinterest and too much time on my hands?" she shrugs, "I dunno, I've always liked shit like this."

"It looks amazing."

"Thanks, you wanna find me some black spray paint?"

He searches through the box, pulling out a can of black spray paint and sitting back on the couch to watch Charlie work her magic. 

"So," she asks like she's been waiting all day, "have you talked to Cas at all lately?"

"Charlie-"

"I'm just curious."

"A little, I tell him about Hunter and he tells me about what he's writing."

"You still haven't seen him?" she says, and Dean would swear she sounds as miserable as he feels. 

"I thought you didn't approve of me and Cas?"

"That was when he was still engaged. He made an active decision to end that relationship, and _now_ you're refusing to see each other? It seems a little backwards. How long has it been?"

"Not for close to a month now."

"Jesus. I thought you said you were going to try and be friends?"

"Maybe friends means verbally only," Dean sighs, "I don't know, but I sure as hell know I can't just ask him to do something because I can't be alone with him."

"You want me to invite him to games night or something?"

"That's probably a bad idea."

"If you're sure."

"I am." 

Charlie continues her work, and Dean watches her in stunned silence, helping when he can. She leaves him just before dinner time with one complete piece, leaving it for Dean to paint when he has a minute.

\- - - - -

Right at the end of the month, Charlie invites him to dinner with her and Gilda, and informs him that Sam and Jo will be there, too. Dean's happy because he's been alone so much lately, but he hates to leave Hunter on her own.

When he gets to Charlie's, he's there for all of ten seconds before he realizes he's been set up; he's not having dinner with his brother and his friends. He doesn't know exactly what it is that they've got planned, but it's a lot more than just a sit-down meal. Gilda tells him to stop asking questions and shoos him into the living room. Dean goes willingly, but stops in the doorway, wondering if he has time to get out of there and yell at Charlie without being noticed.

No is apparently the answer because just as he moves to step back, Sam stands up and Cas spots him. His heart pounds in his chest, and he's not prepared for this, though he probably should have seen it coming. Naturally, the only open seat is right next to Cas, and Dean strolls over making out to be more confident than he feels.

"Hey," he nods, and Cas smiles up at him.

"Hello, Dean."

It almost feels like he's walked into some alternate dimension where this is normal for everyone but him, but he leans back against the back of the couch and Cas' thigh presses against his own, the heat of it drawing him back to reality. Jo and Gilda start bringing drinks in, and Benny and Tessa arrive shortly with food. Everyone settles in as Charlie puts a movie on, and the plops herself down on the arm of the couch, next to Dean.

She bumps him casually with her shoulder, and he looks up to find her smiling softly at him. He grins back and squeezes her knee in thanks because he knows she did this all for him. The introduction fades away, the screen goes dark, and Sam flicks off the light switch behind him. For a second, Dean wonders what they're about to watch, but then the unmistakable sound of Galadriel's voice fills the room, and Dean grins over at Cas. 

By the time The Fellowship of the Ring ends, Dean's feeling warm and comfortable, not all of which he can attribute to the alcohol. Benny and Tessa head out because she has to work early and Benny's been at work all day, but the rest of them continue their marathon, and Charlie brings out cupcakes and ice cream. Dean's full and sleepy, and Cas is so warm next to him. He doesn't think he's going to make it all the way through if he even makes it to the end of The Two Towers. 

He doesn't know exactly when he passed out, but when he wakes up, the TV's been turned off and there's a blanket over him. There's also a distinct lack of other people in the room- other than Cas, that is. Cas is pressed into the corner with his head tipped back, but when he hears Dean, he turns to look over at him.

"Sorry," Dean mumbles, "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's fine, I wasn't really asleep."

Dean shifts awkwardly because he doesn't want to move, but he doesn't want Cas to go either, and this isn't what they agreed on. Cas pulls a throw pillow from the other couch and stuffs it beside himself, shifting down. 

"Come here," he whispers. His voice is soft, and so quiet it seems he doesn't even want Dean to hear him, but he does, and he slides forward so Cas can stretch out behind him, then carefully positions himself alongside him, careful not to move. 

He moves just enough to make sure he's not going to fall off the couch, but so that he's not actually touching Cas, even if he moves. It's not the most comfortable, but he's warm, and Cas' body heat ensures that he'll stay that way. He wants so desperately to lean into him, that he almost thinks he's imagining it when Cas' arm winds around his waist, his hand pressing against his stomach to tug him closer. 

His breath catches in his throat, but Cas' ghosts over the back of his neck, and Dean's eyes fall shut peacefully. The blanket pulls over both of them, and Dean just keeps his head turned out toward the room, because he knows if he looks back at Cas, he'll kiss him, and he'll make an even bigger mess of things than they already are. 

When he wakes up in the morning, Cas is pressed against his back, his soft breath ruffling Dean's hair in his sleep. Dean leans back into him despite his better judgment, and Cas' fingers twitch against his hip. He doesn't want to get up, but he doesn't want to be here when Charlie comes downstairs either, so he slips out from under Cas' arm, and heads into the kitchen. 

He grumbles to himself about the curse of morning wood as he readjusts himself, crouching down to find Charlie's waffle maker. He puts on a pot of coffee and starts digging through the cupboards for baking ingredients. By the time the waffle maker has heated up, Cas is stirring in the living room, and Dean's body has thankfully calmed the fuck down. 

"What're you doing?" Cas mumbles, scrubbing a hand over his face as he stumbles into the kitchen. Dean hands him a mug of coffee and slides the cream and sugar over to him with a spoon. 

"I'm making breakfast, how do you feel about waffles?"

"Good," Cas hums, lifting his mug to his lips, "why are you doing all this?"

"Because," he says simply. He doesn't finish with _Charlie did this for me, because she knows I love you and because she knows I wanted to see you_ , but it's implied. He plates up a couple waffles and pushes the plate into Cas' free hand, pointing him in the direction of the cutlery drawer. Cas sets his coffee down on the counter and brushes his hand over Dean's shoulder before grabbing himself a knife and fork. 

Dean doesn't breathe again until he hears Charlie and Gilda coming down the stairs. Gilda hums happily as she peeks her head around the corner, and Charlie comes up behind Dean, draping an arm around his shoulders. 

"What's all this."

"I owe you," he says, quiet enough that not even Gilda can hear him from where she's pouring coffee for herself and Charlie.

"Tell me later?"

"There's not much to tell, but yeah," he grins, then adds louder, "waffles?"

\- - - - -

Dean has dinner planned with Charlie and Sam that night, to talk about the Thompson wedding. Dean and Charlie arrive early, because she's eager to know why Dean was so bright and cheerful in the morning. They order drinks and an appetizer to share while they wait for Sam, and Charlie leans across the table at him with an expectant grin on her face.

"So?"

"So?" Dean asks coyly. 

"Drop it, Winchester. You're smiling so something happened, tell me."

"I woke up in the middle of the night, with a blanket over me, and Cas was half awake," he shrugs, and he can feel the heat creeping up the back of his neck, "y'know."

"I didn't think he'd stay."

"Me neither," Dean confesses, especially when I woke up and..." he trails off, and Charlie just smiles at him. She looks like she's going to say something else, but their server arrives with their food, and not ten seconds later Sam walks through the door and slides in next to Dean. 

"What, you two couldn't wait?" he asks.

"We had other business to discuss," Charlie smiles, looking much too smug for Dean's comfort. Sam ignores her, and reaches across the table and grabs a nacho from the platter between them.


	30. Chapter 30

October comes and goes uneventfully until the end of the month. He meets with Sam and Charlie again on the 30th to discuss the day of timeline for the wedding, and then he goes home to get some sleep beforehand. He lies awake in bed for a while, texting Cas back and forth because he can't sleep. Whatever Charlie said or did when she got Cas to show up to movie night obviously worked because everything seems to be back to normal with them; earth-shattering sex notwithstanding. 

Cas has been dating, though, and that's the one thing Dean's having issues with, but he likes to check in, especially if something goes wrong. He doesn't seem to go on a lot of good dates, but he definitely has a lot of complaints, and Dean tries really hard not to be happy about that. Tonight's flop is a dance instructor, and Dean had worked Cas up to it, telling him what a good time he was going to have, until he found out the guy was 6'3 and, well, a _guy_. He likes to pretend he's not jealous, but when Cas tells him he's going out with a dude, there's always that extra little pinch of jealousy, so Dean's not overly upset that the date was a flop. His heart nearly stops when Cas tells him the reason his night sucked was the sex. 

Obviously he didn't expect Cas to go celibate, but actually having to hear about it sucks, especially considering Dean's been high and dry since Cas' bachelor party. He listens and responds like a good friend, and when Cas mentions the guy's lack of variation, Dean just smirks to himself. If there's one thing he's good at, it's trying new things. 

_> > You would think people would be more open-minded._

_**< < You would.**_ Dean types back, but he doesn't really want to encourage Cas to go looking for those people. 

_> > I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I didn't think dating would be so complicated._

_**< < I don't wanna say I told you so, but I mean...** _

_> > Haha. I believe we also had a conversation about having to wait for the right person._

_**< < We did, and maybe you just solved your own problem.** _

_> > Maybe._ Cas types back, and Dean feels like there's something he's missing in this conversation but he doesn't press, mostly because he's not 100% sure he wants to know what it is.

_> > Don't you have a wedding tomorrow?_

_**< < Not until noon.** _

_> > It's 3 am, Dean._

_**< < Maybe I'd rather talk to you.** _

_> > Dean, we both know that's not true. Get some sleep, I'll text you in the morning._

Dean scoffs at the reply because either Cas is oblivious or he's flat-out lying. There's almost nothing Dean would rather do than talk to Cas, especially when they're both lying in bed and supposed to be sleeping. It reminds him of the days back in high school when he'd stay up all night talking to Lisa, except now he's thirty and coaching his ex-lover on how to date. How times change. 

_**< < Okay, fine, I'll go to sleep. Night Cas.** _

_> > Goodnight Dean, sleep well._

\- - - - - 

There is no doubt in his mind when he gets up the next morning that Charlie and Sam have some sort of scheme planned; they all but push him out the door, and Sam claims he's busy and can't help with the wedding, sending Charlie off in his place, despite Dean's protests.

"I'm not that pregnant," Charlie scowls at him. 

"Okay fine," Dean grumbles, "but I don't promise to like whatever you two are up to."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Charlie says, climbing into the car before Dean can protest. 

The wedding goes almost perfectly, save for a flower girl who's frightened of the decor. Dean likes this couple, and if he wasn't terrified to get close to anyone ever again, he would probably try and reconnect with them at some point, there's something about the chill October air, and the photo session that takes place in an actual pumpkin patch that makes Dean realize just how badly he wants this for himself.

He watches as four generations gather together for photos and imagines his own family in the same place, only he's got no one there beside him and now he knows what that hole next to him feels like. Charlie pulls him aside, and to her credit, manages to distract him for a little while, but Dean still slips out early, saying goodbye to the newlyweds before heading back to his place. 

When they get there, there's twenty people in his living room, and Dean just barely manages to sneak upstairs without getting caught by one of them. Charlie follows him up to his room and sits down on the bed next to him.

"I'm not dressing up," he says, but Charlie disagrees. 

"Cas is dressing up."

"You invited Cas?"

"It turned out okay last time," Charlie offers. 

"I'm just not feeling great right now," he shrugs, "gimme a bit and I'll come down." 

Charlie concedes and leaves him alone in his room. He stares up at the ceiling, thinking about his life and his friends, and everyone who's downstairs in his living room. He vaguely recalls house parties in high school; making out in some random person's bedroom that usually led to fucking in some random person's bedroom, cheap booze, too many people. He knows he said they could do shit at the house, but now that it's actually happening, he just wants to curl up in bed and pretend that it's not. 

There's a tentative knock on the door, and Cas' head peeks around the corner. He smiles hopefully and Dean manages to grin back at him. 

"Hey, Cas."

"Charlie said you might need some company?"

Dean sighs a humorless laugh, "she's trying hard, isn't she?"

"Hm?" Cas asks, settling next to him on the bed.

"'S nothing. Rough day."

"The wedding?"

"Yeah." He doesn't elaborate, but after so long he knows Cas knows what he means. 

"We could get out of here," Cas says, and as much as Dean knows he's joking, he's tempted to take him up on that offer.

"I promised Charlie I'd dress up," he scowls. 

"I could help," Cas offers. 

"Yeah, I don't even know where to begin. I'm not exactly in the mood for dressing up right now."

"Well," Cas says, crossing to look through Dean's closet, "why don't we find you something simple then." He pulls out a black suit and holds it up to Dean, humming to himself. "Put this on." Dean quirks an eyebrow at the suit, but he strips down and dresses himself regardless. 

"Do you have a pair of black sunglasses?" Cas asks, absentmindedly searching through Dean's closet, "and a black tie?"

"Um, yeah?" He's only gotten as far as pulling his pants on, but he stops mid-way and crosses to the dresser. He pulls out a tie from the top drawer and tosses it over to Cas before going hunting for his sunglasses. He almost never wears them, so it's a miracle that he finds them as soon as he does, tucked away behind the lamp on his side table. He slips them on and turns to face Cas, holding his arms out at his sides.

"Am I good?"

Cas turns and laughs, "I'm inclined to say yes, but I don't know how the rest of your friends would feel about it."

Dean finishes getting dressed, complete with black boots, and Cas passes him what looks like an old Bluetooth earpiece. He scowls at it, holding it up to Cas, "where did you even find this?"

"In a shoebox in your closet."

"I don't even know where it came from."

"It's perfect, just put it in." He does as he's told, and stands back so Cas can look at him. He envisions himself looking something like the Men in Black, and a faint grin crosses his face. 

"How do I look?"

"Perfect."

"What am I?"

Cas steps into his space and adjusts his tie, "you're my bodyguard, which means you have to go everywhere I go, and no one will be able to pull you away and make you do something you don't want to."

"Except you," Dean teases, though he's infinitely grateful for the scheme.

"Except me," Cas agrees. Dean feels a lot better about having Cas at his side all night, and they rejoin the others shortly.

\- - - - -

Everyone is having a great time, and Dean is impressed with how well Charlie and Sam put this all together in such a short period of time, though he does suspect they'd been planning it for a lot longer than they let on. They've got beer pong set up in the hallway, and Dean's not exactly in the mood for games, but he's content to sit on the sidelines and sip the reddish concoction Cas brought him. Benny is destroying anyone who plays him, and Dean can't help but wonder why anyone here would be stupid enough to play beer pong against Benny; it's well known through their whole group of friends that not only is he the master, but also that he can drink any of them under the table on any given day.

Dean leans back against the wall, resisting the urge to rest his head on Cas' shoulder. These last weeks have been pushing the boundaries of their friendship, and Dean feels bad for it, but Cas never once stops him, doesn't so much as look at him funny. When he tips his head to the left, bumping against Cas, he's surprised that Cas leans forward to look at him; he doesn't say anything, just looks over at him for a few seconds, then leans back against the wall. 

Benny shouts and Tessa chucks a ball across the room, and everyone starts laughing, but Dean's off in his own hazy little world. It feels like those old high school parties, only this time no one's desperately trying to get laid; this time everyone's just here to have a good time, and Dean's so fucking happy it hurts. For a day that started off pretty shitty, it's turning into one of the best nights he's had in a long time. 

Charlie pokes her head into the hall, breaking up the newly started game and ushering everyone into the living room. There's platters of cupcakes on the coffee table, and various bowls of chips and plates of cookie anywhere they will fit. There's not much left in the way of seating, so Dean settles himself on the arm of Cas' chair, setting his drink down behind him.

Charlie and Sam have painstakingly selected a variety of movies and tv shows for them to watch; everything from kids' shows - _It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!_ \- to traditional horror - Stephen King's _It_. 

At first, Dean kind of tunes out, looking at the room full of people and wondering how the fuck he managed to end up with such amazing people as his friends. Sam and Jo are sitting in front of them, and Jo leans back, resting her head against his leg, and it's such a simple thing, but it makes Dean wonder how he could ever have been mad at Sam about the whole Jo thing. 

Somewhere around the time they start the first full-length movie, Cas' arm slips around his lower back, and Dean leans against the back of the chair, resting on his elbow. He tries his hardest not to collapse into Cas' lap and it works for a little while, but apparently, Cas has similar ideas. It's dark in the room, and everyone's focused on the TV, so Dean is the only one who notices when Cas pulls him gently into his lap. 

Dean's not one for movies, most of the time; he usually ends up falling asleep halfway through, and tonight is no different. He's already feeling drowsy, no doubt assisted by the alcohol and the warmth of Cas' chest against him. He tells himself it's just been a long day, and it makes him feel better about the way he rests his head in the crook of Cas' shoulder before letting his eyes fall shut. 

He can still focus on the movie for a little while, listening to the audio meld with the sound of Cas' heartbeat. He knows this isn't real, because Cas will just go off and live his own life in the morning and he'll continue to tell Dean about the awful dates he goes on, but right now he'll take what he can get, and Cas is offering. 

Inevitably, he does drift off, and when he wakes up again, it's because Cas is shaking his shoulder. Charlie and Gilda are curled up together on the couch, and Sam's sprawled on the floor with Jo pressed into his side; everyone else seems to be gone, but Cas is pulling him up, and Dean is too sleepy to argue. 

Cas drags him upstairs, and Dean removes his sunglasses and earpiece, dropping them unceremoniously onto the bedside table before turning back to Cas. He's surprised to find him right there and then he's reaching up to undo the knot of Dean's tie, and it takes everything in him not to lean down and kiss him. He shrugs out of his jacket as Cas gets his tie undone and kicks off his boots before dropping his pants to the floor. He's careless about it, eager to get undressed and into bed, but Cas is the opposite, carefully slipping Dean's tie off of him and setting it down on the table, then undoing each button on his shirt before pushing it back off his shoulders. 

Cas strips out of his own clothes much more quickly, and they fall into bed together in a tangle of limbs and blankets. It's far from the first time, but this time there's no fear of getting caught or guilt for doing something they shouldn't be; this time is different, and if Dean were more sober, he wouldn't throw himself into it headfirst, but it's not like it's the first time he's done something stupid because of Cas. 

He pulls at the clump of blankets at the end of the bed, shifting around until it covers both of them from head to toe, and he curls up against Cas' back, pressing his nose into his skin. Cas is soft and warm, and he smells good, and Dean drifts off almost immediately after his eyes close. 

He wakes up sometime later because Cas is tossing and turning next to him, and keeps pulling the blankets away. Dean groans his displeasure, throwing an arm over Cas' hip and sliding close against his back. He slides his hand down Cas' chest to calm him, and Cas shudders against his touch. His hips shift forward, and Dean realizes belatedly that Cas is hard, and that's his cock that he's touching. His mind is foggy, and he's still drunk, but really he should know better than to continue touching him. He should, but he does it anyway.

Cas' breath audibly catches in his chest as Dean's fingers press lightly down the length of his erection, and he presses back against his chest. He exhales a neeedy _Dean_ , and the sound of his voice alone is enough to make Dean's skin burn. 

"Tell me if you want me to stop," he whispers, curling his fingers around Cas' length through his boxers. Cas squirms against him, and Dean squeezes him gently, letting Cas rut against his palm. 

" _Don't stop_ ," Cas breathes, and Dean doesn't need to be told twice. He slips his hand into Cas' underwear, curling his fingers around his cock and stroking him slowly. Cas lets out a strangled moan, thrusting into the touch, and Dean buries his head in his neck, trying desperately to keep from touching himself. 

Cas thrusts slowly between his fingers, and he's already shaking but he doesn't speed up. Dean's fingers curve around the head of his cock and Cas moans into the air, pushing back against Dean's chest as his hips rock forward. Dean gets no warning other than a soft, muted gasp before Cas is coming all over his hand, hot and wet, and Dean groans into his neck, shifting to press his cock into the mattress. He runs his fingers up the length of Cas' softening cock, paying extra attention to the head, before pulling his hand away. He wipes it off on the sheet behind himself and hopes he remembers to wash his sheets in the morning. 

Cas wiggles out of his boxers, wiping himself off with them before discarding them on the floor. He presses his palm against Dean's cock, but Dean squirms out of the touch, shifting his hips backward. Cas doesn't seem to mind the slight and he settles back into the sheets like nothing happened, falling back asleep almost instantly. 

Dean, on the other hand, is wide away now, and when he turns onto his back, the sheets pull up where his cock strains against its confines. He's aching for release, and he's pretty sure it wouldn't take much, but it feels wrong somehow and the uncomfortable feeling of regret is already starting to settle in. He balls his hands into fists at his sides to keep from touching himself, but it doesn't do anything to make him feel better. This was their problem last time; he can't keep his fucking hands off Cas, regardless of their situation. 

If only Cas gets off it doesn't count, he tells himself, he can write it off as a drunken incident, and in the morning they can awkwardly decide never to talk about it again. If he has a chance with Cas, he wants to go about things properly, not fall back into their old routine of fucking every chance they get but refusing to admit how they feel. He can't do it, so he lies there stubbornly, refusing to help himself.

\- - - - - 

The morning that follows is worse than Dean would have anticipated; when he wakes up, Cas is gone, and he's too busy berating himself for being a fucking idiot to realize there is very obviously someone moving around downstairs. His cock throbs desperately where it's trapped beneath him, but he feels too shitty to even get himself off. One day he'll learn not to do stupid things when he's drunk, but apparently, today is not that day.

He wills his erection away, and when that doesn't work, he groans loudly into his pillow, mentally cursing himself. He lies there with his face in his pillow until he's relaxed enough to go downstairs without his cock making an appearance. 

Hunter meets him at the bottom of the stairs, jumping around happily like it's been weeks since she's seen him, and he ruffles the fur on her head, but he's not exactly feeling playful. She trots after him into the kitchen, circling around Cas' legs when Dean won't give her the affection she's looking for. 

"I thought you'd gone," Dean mumbles, carefully avoiding looking at Cas as he pours himself a mug of coffee.

"I had nowhere to be, and I wanted to make sure you were feeling okay this morning." He pauses, like he's considering something, then mutters, "I'm sorry about last night."

"It's all good," Dean replies reflexively, but he knows it's not; he can tell by the way Cas is being overly attentive of Hunter, and the way he's doing anything and everything to avoid looking at him. 

"Good," he says, "I made bacon and toast if you're hungry."

"Thanks," Dean grabs a strip of bacon and drops into a chair and Hunter comes up to his side, looking up at him expectantly, "not for you," he says, "where'd you get to last night anyway?"

"She came into the bedroom last night and she seemed very put out that her spot was taken."

"She might be a little spoiled," Dean grins. 

"I'm shocked, honestly."

\- - - - -

November rolls in cold and stormy and Dean spends more and more time at home. He doesn't have any work because most of the weddings around this time of year are Christmas weddings, and Dean has been there, done that, fucked the groom. In a way, he's glad that Cas ended it because at least they can talk to each other properly now, and he doesn't have to sit through weeks of awkward but necessary conversations about dancing and colour schemes.

Still, now he's out of a job and he's stuck with not much to do other than playing endless games of fetch with Hunter when it's warm enough to sit out on the back deck. He starts a layout for his office one day when the puddles on the sidewalk are frozen over, and even his overly enthusiastic pup doesn't want to go outside. 

He needs new wallpaper - or just to remove the old stuff and paint over it - new furniture, probably new carpeting; it's going to take a lot of work, but most of it he can do himself, he just needs to buy the supplies. Groaning, he makes a secondary list of everything he needs to buy before he can start. It's a lot longer than he was expecting, and when he prices it out, it's more than he really wants to pay for a stupid room, but he's also sick of meeting in cafes and diners. 

He spends the rest of the day in Ikea looking at desks, and he never realized just how picky he was about office furniture before. He ends up buying a desk, an office chair, and a lamp and then storing them in the hallway until he can get the carpet and wall situations sorted out. When he gets home, he flops down on the couch with Hunter at his side, and pulls out his phone to text Cas. He wants to ask if he'll help him lay carpet, but he can't bring himself to send the message after what happened on Halloween. 

Luckily, Cas texts him first, and it gives Dean the push he needs to press the call button. Cas picks up immediately.

"Texting not good enough for you anymore?"

"I wanted to ask a favour."

"What's that?"

"I'm finally setting up my office, and I was gonna pick out carpet tomorrow and pull down some wallpaper, how do you feel about tedious manual labour?"

Cas laughs, "Not great, but if you want my help, which I'm assuming is why you called, I'd be happy to join you."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course."

"Thanks, man. I don't think I could do this on my own."

"Where should I meet you?" Cas asks. Dean gives him the address for his office and Cas promises to meet him there just before ten. Dean's relieved when he hangs up the phone, and he settles back into the couch with a grin; maybe this won't be as awkward as he was expecting.


	31. Chapter 31

As it turns out, Cas is an excellent helper. If Dean's being totally honest with himself he's completely capable to renoing his office all on his own, but that sounds lonely and awful, and there's no one he would rather spend time with than Cas, regardless of whether or not he should. Cas is also better at picking colours than he is, mostly because Dean automatically wants to go with something bright and blue. Cas is more realistic and talks him down to a pale grey that will compliment the singular brick wall in his office. 

When they go to pick out carpet, Cas takes the lead again, and Dean just goes along for the ride. They end up, not with carpet, but with slot-together wood slats - another one of Cas' ideas. They get everything back to the office, and leave anything they don't immediately need in the trunk; the rest of the stuff comes in and gets covered with a drop sheet. 

The colour on the walls currently is a tacky, 70s-esque orange-brown disaster, so they start with a coat of primer. It doesn't take long to do, but it has to sit for three hours before they can put on the first coat of paint, so they sit and go over Dean's drawing for half an hour before they get bored and Cas insists on going out for dinner. 

When they get back to the office, it's close to ten pm, but if they get the first coat of paint done tonight, they can do the final coat tomorrow and start installing the floor. If Cas isn't busy, Dean reminds himself, backtracking. They set up the single lamp in the corner and work as far out as they can without running out of light, then reposition the lamp and continue on from there; it takes them almost three times as long to do the first coat as it did to do the primer, and by the time they're done, Dean's arms are exhausted. 

"So I was thinking," he starts, taking the roller off its handle and chucking it in the garbage bag.

"If you want me to come help again, you don't even have to ask," Cas responds without even looking up, "though I think we should wait until Wednesday so the paint is completely dry."

Dean's heart swells a little, "thanks, man."

"Of course, Dean."

They finish packing up the stuff that needs to come home, and Cas hauls the flooring in, tucking it under the drop sheet in the corner of the room.

\- - - - -

Cas shows up with coffee and donuts for them both on Wednesday morning, and Dean can't help the stupid grin that crosses his face when he arrives. He lets them in, and Cas pulls up an unopened box of stuff, using it as a table as Dean goes around and runs his fingers over the walls. It seems to be dry, so he sits down across from Cas for a quick breakfast before they get to work on the second coat.

They end up getting it done eventually, but first, there's a lot of sitting around and chatting and doing nothing in particular. It reminds him of the first meeting he had with Cas alone when they'd gotten shit all done because they got too distracted talking about themselves; looking back, he should have known he was fucked right from that first day. He feels good today, though; it's the first time since he realized he loves Cas that he thinks this could actually work out. Maybe he doesn't need someone to spend his life with, maybe he has his friends, and his family and Cas, and that's good enough. And now he has Hunter too, so on those cold winter nights when he's usually freezing, he'll have someone to cuddle up with and keep him warm. He smiles at the thought, and Cas' lips curl up at the corners. 

While the paint is drying, they measure out the floor for the panels, and then head out because there's no point doing anything else when the paint is still drying. Besides, paint fumes aren't conducive to a productive workplace. 

When Dean gets home, he heads immediately to the kitchen; for some reason last week he thought it would be a good idea to have Thanksgiving dinner at his house this year. Now it's the day before, he has nothing at all prepared, and he's regretting not only agreeing to this but refusing help from anyone. He debates calling Cas to come help, but he doesn't want to bother him any more than he already is; Cas has his own life, he's not just there for Dean to ask for assistance. The other, more reasonable option is to ask Sam for help, but he doesn't want to admit that he's in over his head again, so he just sucks it up. 

He's been defrosting the turkey in the fridge for a couple of days, so by tomorrow morning, it should be ready to just stick in the oven so he has time to get everything else done. He checks on it again, just to make sure it's still on track, then he looks through his fridge and cupboards to make sure he has everything he needs. When he's satisfied that he has everything he'll need for tomorrow, he goes to check his emails. 

There's nothing, as usual; just some junk mail. Not for the first time, Dean considers taking a break from wedding planning. He could easily find a job working on cars or something, he's got the experience. He leans back in his chair, tapping his fingers absentmindedly on the desk; he's bored, and he needs something to occupy his time when he's not working on his office, or he's going to lose his mind. 

As if on cue, he hears the clicking of Hunter's feet on the hard floor, and she bumps up against his thigh seconds later, looking up at him with hopeful eyes. Dean sighs and smiles down at her, "alright, you wanna go for a walk?" 

Hunter barks and dances backward, shifting her weight between her two front legs as Dean gets up out of his chair. He heads downstairs to find her leash, and Hunter dances behind him the whole way, nearly tripping over her giant paws in her excitement. 

"Maybe we should go get Chevy, what d'you think?" Hunter cocks her head to the side and Dean leans down to pet her head, "I'm gonna take that as a yes. Let's go get your brother."

\- - - - -

Dean starts preparing dinner as soon as he gets up the next morning; out of bed, coffee on, turkey in the oven. He preps everything else so it doesn't take him three hours later, and sticks what he can in the fridge for the time being. There will only be four of them, so it won't take much to get everything else ready, and for now, he can just sit and relax.

He flops onto the couch with Hunter curled up at his feet and texts Cas - more out of reflex than actual intent. He's not really expecting to get a response, so it catches him off guard when, halfway through an episode of Hemlock Grove, his phone buzzes on his thigh. 

_> > Not much, what are you up to?_

**_< < Watching Netflix with Hunter, getting dinner ready for tonight._ **

_> > You're doing dinner at your place?_

**_< < Only for Mom and Sam and Jo. What about you?_ **

_> > I'm not doing much, probably getting takeout._

Right, no family nearby, he should have known.

 ** _< < You could eat with us?_** Dean offers without thinking, but he doesn't regret it; he knows his mom is curious to meet him, and Sam and Jo already get along with him, so why not?

_> > I wouldn't want to impose._

_**_< < You wouldn't be. _ ** _

_**_< < Honestly. _**Cas doesn't reply immediately, so Dean decides for him. _

_**_< < Okay, I'll see you five._ ** _

__> > Dean._ _

_**_< < See you then ;)_ ** _

__

\- - - - -

Dean doesn't hear back, but when five o'clock rolls around, Cas is at the door with a bottle of wine. Sam and Jo arrive just a few minutes later and Sam comes to help him in the kitchen with the last few things that need to be done. He doesn't so much as mention the fact that Cas is there, and Dean is thankful that maybe everyone's moved on from the shitshow that was the first half of the year.

It's a little more uncomfortable when Mary arrives, because she knows, and she's his mom, so it's kind of like introducing an ex-boyfriend; Cas is pleasant about it, though, and it makes the whole thing a lot easier. Mary tries to help the boys in the kitchen, but Dean firmly pushes her back into the living room, sitting her down between Jo and Cas, and sending Hunter in her direction to keep her distracted. 

Their meal is good, if Dean says so himself, and everyone seems to enjoy themselves. Dean doesn't talk much over dinner but instead listens to what Sam and Jo have to say - about the place they're moving into, about their relationship, about anything and everything. Dean's never seen his brother this happy, and he feels bad for ever thinking badly of the two of them; Jo is obviously good for him. Mary, on the other hand, just seems happy to have her boys together in the same room. It happens so rarely lately, and Dean has to admit that they should see each other more often. She likes Cas, too; she doesn't say it outright, but Dean can tell in the way she looks at him when he speaks, and the way she grins over at Dean occasionally when Cas isn't looking. 

Afterwards, they sit on the couch and talk some more. Dean likes having everyone together, but it's also kind of exhausting. Hunter sits at his feet and looks up sadly, and Dean is glad for the distraction. He pulls her up into his lap and she curls up calmly, resting her head on the arm of the chair. He lies back for a while, content to listen and run his fingers through Hunter's long hair. He doesn't tune back in again until Cas announces that he has to go. 

Dean rises with him, much to Hunter's dismay, and walks him to the door. Standing here, his mind goes back to the day he moved in, and the events of that evening. He pushes them out of his mind, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Did you want to do the flooring tomorrow?" Cas asks, "I'll be around if you need any help."

"Yeah. Sounds good. I was gonna start some Christmas shopping tomorrow."

"It's pretty early."

"Yeah," Dean agrees, "but I'm the worst procrastinator you've ever met."

"I can believe that judging by the state of your office," Cas smirks.

"Alright, get outta here," Dean grins. 

"I'll call you in the morning. Thanks for inviting me tonight."

"My pleasure. Seeya later Cas." 

Dean rejoins his family in the living room, now with something to look forward to other than the monotony of Christmas shopping.

\- - - - -

It's like a switch has been flicked; overnight the mall and all of downtown Lawrence is fully decorated for Christmas, and everywhere he goes there are carols playing. He meets Cas just outside the office after picking up the remainder of the supplies, and they walk into the freshly painted room together.

Everything gets shoves to one side of the room, so they can start laying the slats, and Dean hums to himself as he starts to place them. It doesn't take them long to finish, despite having to move things from side to side in the room. They don't talk much; there's not much to say about laying down flooring, and the music is good enough to fill up the silence. 

When they're done there for the day, Cas goes with him to the mall and they sit and grab coffee before actually setting out to shop. Cas is still being unusually quiet, but he doesn't seem upset at all, so Dean doesn't know if he should bring it up or just leave it. Cas mentions it before Dean can even decide what to do; he takes a sip of his drink, holding it close with both hands and sighs. 

"I'm sorry if I've been kind of off today," he starts, "there's just something I've been wanting to talk to you about."

"Okay," Dean says, trying to sound encouraging. He's afraid of what's coming because there are so many things it could be, and everything he can think of is something he doesn't really want to deal with. "What is it?"

"Everything that happened with us, I didn't do it to hurt Meg, and I didn't mean to hurt you either. I was confused, and I went about things in all the wrong ways, and I fucked things up-" Dean opens his mouth to speak, but Cas stops him, "please, just hear me out." He takes a deep breath and turns his coffee mug between his hands, "I knew my relationship with Meg was ending before I asked her to marry me, and I should never have tried to force it, but I also shouldn't have kissed you.

"I did a stupid, thoughtless, selfish thing and I have to live with that, but I can't stop thinking about it. I was too afraid to end things with Meg when I should have, so I let things get carried away and I pulled you into it all, and I'm sorry. I wish I'd been a better person when I had the chance, but I fucked that up, and I just wanted to apologize."

Dean sits and listens, because he has no idea how he would respond, even if Cas did give him the chance; he's never thought of Cas as being a bad person - if he did, he'd have to think of himself the same way, which he does, but that's a separate thing altogether. There's so much going through his mind, but despite the whirlwind, all he can think is maybe if Cas had ended things earlier, he would have had a chance with him. On the other hand, he might not have met him in the first place, and that would be worse than this; at least now they can be friends.

"I think I want to go to Boston," Cas says suddenly; or not, Dean's been half-tuned out for the last thirty seconds.

"How come?"

"To talk to Meg. To come clean to her about everything that happened between us, and to talk about things - she knows how I feel, but I didn't go into detail before. I want her to know that I don't hold anything against her - I'd be a hypocrite if I did - for finding someone else, and I don't want things to end between us without her at least knowing the truth."

"Makes sense," Dean nods, sipping his coffee, "when?"

"After Christmas. I don't want to go and interrupt her holiday and mess things up. Maybe in January when everything starts to settle down a little more."

Dean just nods again, and there's a hesitant silence before he blurts out, "I don't think you're a bad person."

"I'm glad," Cas smiles, though the expression doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"We all make mistakes Cas, and you can't hold yourself accountable without remembering that I was a part of it too. I'm not gonna stand up and argue that what we did was right, but you can't keep thinking that this is your mistake, and yours alone to deal with. I'm just as much a part of it as you are."

"Thank you, Dean," Cas sighs, his smile a little more genuine this time. He taps his now-empty cup on the table, and chucks it into a nearby garbage can. "Should we get going?"

"Yeah," Dean nods, finishing the last dregs of his coffee and tossing his cup to join Cas'.

The mall is busy already with people starting their Christmas shopping, and Dean makes a mental note to start earlier next year and avoid the rush. It's not so much the number of people that bothers him, but the fact that everyone seems to adopt an awful attitude during the holiday season, and he doesn't have the patience for assholes at the best of times, nevermind when he's shopping. 

There's a novelty shop at the opposite end of the mall, and Cas wants to head there to find something for his brother, and Dean's happy to do whatever, so they head down the opposite end to start. As they go, he looks in the window displays, thinking about decorating his house, and realizes he owns a total of zero decorations. Scratch that, he owns one; a little pipe cleaner wreath with beads on it that Sam made for him in kindergarten. He doesn't think that's going to be enough. 

"Hey, you think you can help me pick out some decorations later?" he asks.

"Of course. What kind of decorations? Tree ornaments?"

" _Shit_."

"What?" Cas asks, turning to look at him with a concerned look.

"I don't have a tree."

"You what?"

"I don't have a tree," Dean sighs, "Benny and I got one together a couple years ago, but I didn't think it was worth bringing to the new place with me." Cas catches his arm and brings him to a jolting stop.

"We're going to buy you a tree."

\- - - - -

Who knew there was such a variety of Christmas trees. Other than deciding if you want to go with a real or fake tree, you have to pick a size, how thin or wide you want it, and in some cases, what species of tree - not to mention whether you want pre-lit or not. Oh, and then there's colour. Apparently, since the last time Dean bought a tree, there's been a call for trees of every colour of the rainbow, which seems a little unnecessary.

Dean's settled on a fake tree because - other than the fact that real trees are so much easier to choose - it's an easier investment; he won't have to haul it away at the end of the season, and he won't have to vacuum all the time because there are no needles to drop. That just leaves him with half a dozen other decisions to make. 

He doesn't want a pre-lit tree, because then he's stuck with the same lights year after year, and if they burn out then he's either stuck with a weird looking half-lit tree, or he has to get a whole new tree; no, unlit trees are definitely the best option. Coloured trees are also not an option because, _why do they even exist_ , and he doesn't want something skinny and scrawny that will just blend into the corner of the living room. 

Cas starts looking for fat, unlit, green trees, and Dean follows after him, commenting on all of them. 

"Too short."

"Puke coloured."

"Twelve feet? Who the hell needs a twelve-foot tree?"

"Too skinny."

"Why do they even add those brown bits in? If I wanted a half-dead tree, I'd buy a real one." Cas turns on him after that last one.

"You are so picky," he sighs. Dean just shrugs. "What about this one, then? It's a nice colour, it's not lit, and it's the fattest one here."

"It's also nine feet tall, Cas."

"You have the space for it."

"How much is it?"

Cas shrugs, and ducks to check the price, then looks up at Dean suspiciously, "doesn't matter."

"Cas-" Dean starts, bending down to look at the price himself, "I'm not buying a- _seven hundred dollars_? Jesus, Cas who pays that much for a fake Christmas tree?"

"I'll buy it for you."

"You will not."

"I'll buy it for us then. I'm not decorating this year, so I'll help you decorate instead."

"Cas, that's way too much."

"Fine then," Cas sighs, "I'll buy it for myself. I'm still putting it up in your living room though."

Dean sighs because he knows he's lost. The second that tree gets into his house, it won't be leaving, and they both know it. He doesn't understand why Cas does things like this all the time, but he knows enough about Cas now to know when to give up. 

"Fine. You want to buy me the tree, you can, but you had better be there to help me decorate it because it's fucking huge and I don't want to explain to Sam why there's a nine-foot tree in my living room."

"That's fine, and if Sam asks, I'll tell him." Cas grins at him and tugs the box off the shelf, resting it on top of their shopping cart and heading for the lights.


	32. Chapter 32

Dean has never seen so many Christmas decorations in one place, and this was not at all the purpose of this trip. Cas has 'helped' him pick out strings of lights, silver garland, and more tree ornaments than he's ever even seen on a tree. Granted, this tree is massive, but _still_. Cas either really likes Christmas, or he really likes Dean, and despite past experience, Dean's going with option one. It makes him think about how Cas must feel about all this; Dean's used to rejection, and having to go on living with the people who reject him, but Cas literally blurted out that he was in love with him four months ago and now they're shopping for Christmas decorations like it's nothing. Oh well, Dean may be fucked up, but that doesn't mean Cas is, and if Cas is happy, Dean is happy. 

Dean's given in by the time they stop for lunch; Cas is clearly enjoying himself buying decorations, and who is Dean to stop him, regardless of where they're going to end up. They have so much stuff they actually have to take it out to the car before eating lunch because there's too much of it to sit next to them in the food court. Lunch consists of various things from various stalls that they pile in the middle of the table and share, and then it's off to actually look for presents.

He has no idea what to get for anyone other than Charlie, but that's only because everything he can think of for her is actually for the baby, and then he's back at square one again. Still, he shoots off a quick text to Gilda to find out if they have a crib because there's a baby place in this mall that has beautiful handmade cribs, though he's not exactly sure how he's going to get Cas in there with him. 

In the end, he leaves it until last. He's managed to pick up a few things; a couple things for Sam, and a new board game he thinks Charlie will like, but for the most part, the shopping trip turned into buying decorations, which Dean is okay with. Cas was much more successful, though Dean suspects that having a fuckton of money helps when buying gifts. 

Dean heads home, and Cas presumably does the same; it's late in the evening now and everything's closing anyway. It's dark when he gets home, and he has to struggle to get everything in with Hunter jumping and dancing around his feet. He stacks all the decorations at the far end and bends down on one knee to play with her. 

"I know baby, I know I've been gone all day. Just let me close the door and put some things away, okay?" he rises up again and goes to close the door, noticing a yellow slip of paper on the front panel. He pulls it off and shuts the door looking at it. It's a delivery notice; one of those 'we missed you, we'll try again' kind of things, but Dean doesn't remember ordering anything. He slips it into the table drawer in the hall and heads into the living room with Hunter at his heels.

\- - - - -

He meets Sam for lunch the next day; it was supposed to be dinner, but it's some anniversary or something for Sam and Jo, so they rescheduled and now it's lunch. Sam's at the diner when he gets there, but he's nervous like Dean hasn't seen him in a long time, and he's twitchy. Dean tries his best not to ask, but after about half an hour of Sam's cutlery tapping on the tabletop, he can't keep quiet anymore.

"Dude, what is up with you?"

"Uh, it's nothing. I just- well actually no. I'm gonna ask Jo to marry me tonight."

Dean's immediate reaction is to tell his brother he's being an idiot, that it's too soon, but he understands now more than ever how it feels when you find that person, so he doesn't tell Sam he's an idiot. 

"It's not too soon?" he asks, and it comes out sounding more doubtful than he means it to, but Sam shakes his head.

"I've known for a long time. The first time I kissed her, I knew it was her." Dean doesn't know how to react to that, so he asks Sam how he's going to do it, and Sam details his whole intricate plan. He'd do it differently, Dean thinks, less public spectacle, more cozy night at home or lying in a field under the stars. He's sure Jo will say yes, and he's happy for Sam. 

Their lunch doesn't last long because Sam's too nervous to eat, and Dean's got a date with his office - and hopefully Cas - to start getting the furniture in there and built. He says goodbye to Sam and wishes him luck, reminding him to call or text after his dinner with Jo, then he heads out to the office. 

The furniture is already in the trunk because he didn't want to make another stop on the way there. He never strictly planned to meet with Cas, only told his friend when he was planning on being there, but when he gets downtown, Cas is waiting for him with coffee and something in a bag. Dean lets him in with a smile, and goes back to get the stuff out of the trunk. He's got three chairs, a desk, a filing cabinet and a coffee table to start with; anything else he can get later if he needs to. Cas apparently, has brought him a plant. 

The desk is the main thing, so they start on that while eating the pastries Cas brought with him. Dean's not one to turn down free food, but if Cas doesn't start bringing him a vegetable once in a while, he's going to have to fit a workout routine into his life. 

The desk proves to be complicated. They get halfway done, and it's going well, but then suddenly it's like the instructions just stop. They're still there, but they make no sense all of a sudden, and Dean can't figure out what goes where next. It ends up taking them two hours to get the damn thing together, and Dean vows never to build Ikea furniture ever again, despite the fact that there are still four boxes waiting for him. 

The rest of it goes much more smoothly, and Dean is eager to get out of there for the first time since he started the reno. They leave the furniture where it is and call it quits for the day.

\- - - - -

The office is finally set up on the last day of November, and Dean's grateful for Cas' help because it's done now, and he doesn't have to worry about it anymore, which is good because he's got Christmas now, and he doesn't need anything else to think about, especially when Sam announces that he's having a get-together and he wants Dean to be there. Cas too, which is the only reason Dean actually agrees to go. He knows what's going on, even if no one else does; Sam told him Jo said yes, and this is going to be their big formal engagement announcement, but the stress of the season - combined with Dean's recent lack of work - is starting to get to him, and he's not really in the mood for big, happy family events. Least of all ones where his brother is the center of attention.

Cas is happy to go with him, especially when Dean explains what it is that they're walking into, and Dean is glad for the moral support. Somedays it sucks being in love with his best friend, but days like these, he'd sacrifice anything to have Cas at his side; he really couldn't have asked for anyone better. 

They make the trip to Sam's together - Cas drives - and they're not the first ones there; Mary's car is there already, and Charlie and Gilda pull up just after Cas does. The four of them head in together, and a few of Sam's other friends are sitting in the living room with Mary; some of them, Dean recognizes, some he's seeing for the first time, but it doesn't matter because he finds a seat on the couch next to his mom, and Cas sits on his other side. He feels a little like a child, barricaded between Cas and Mary, but he's more comfortable this way, so he ignores the awkward feeling. 

Everyone sits and chats for a while, waiting for everyone else to get there, and then Sam and Jo make the big announcement and Dean itches to get away. He promised himself he was good; that all he needed was his family and Cas and hunter, but the ache persists. Cas makes up an excuse to get away, and being Dean's ride, has to take him with him. Dean is profoundly grateful for the escape, and he promises to buy Sam and Jo dinner one night to talk about things some more as he heads out the door behind Cas. 

"Can we go to a bar?" Dean asks when they're pulling out of the driveway.

"No. Why don't we stop by the liquor store and go back to your place. We can get a head start on decorating."

"I'd rather be alone," Dean mumbles.

"Which is exactly why I won't leave you at a bar," Cas says. The gratefulness Dean felt earlier subsides a little, and he kind of wants to make Cas stop the car so he can get out, but Cas has been right most of the time, so Dean crosses his arms like a petulant child and leans back in his seat. 

When they get back to Dean's, Cas leaves him sitting on the couch with a glass of whiskey and then disappears out into the hall. Dean sneaks into the kitchen to get the remainder of the bottle of whiskey, and he's a quarter of the way done when Cas comes back with an armful of Christmas decorations. He frowns at the bottle sitting on the coffee table, but apparently, he knows to pick his battles, because he doesn't say anything about it; he puts down the decorations, takes a swig from the bottle, and pulls Dean up off the couch. 

"If we're going to drink, we may as well be productive," he says, and then he's off again into the hall. He returns with the tree, and Dean gives him a look that Cas pointedly ignores. "Where do you want this?" he asks. 

"Uh, I never really thought about it?"

"In front of the window?"

"Sure?"

Cas sighs, probably at his lack of enthusiasm, and opens up the box. Dean's expecting bits of tree to immediately spring out, because he doesn't know how they get something so huge into a box that size, but nothing happens. Cas pulls on the top piece, and everything comes with it, and Dean feels bad for being so grumpy, so he sits down to help Cas sort through the mess.

It comes in four pieces, and separating them proves to be the easy part; attaching the bottom piece to the base, however, is much more difficult. It takes them half an hour, and a variety of tools that should not be necessary to put up a Christmas Tree. 

They manage to get the first three sections put together, and already the thing is taller than Dean, and he can only barely reach the top. He's 6'2" and he's going to need a goddamn stepladder to decorate his Christmas tree. Cas makes a noise and Dean turns to find him holding the very top of the tree in one hand. He frowns at glances up at the tree. Scratch that, he's going to need a stepladder to put his tree up in the first place, never mind decorate it. 

"I can't reach," he says simply, and Cas looks down at the bit of tree in his hand, and up at the tallest point.

"Do you have a stepstool?"

"I have a ladder."

Cas' frown deepens, "I'm not letting you up on a ladder."

"Wh-" is all he gets out before Cas gestures to the bottle of whiskey and Dean shuts up. "Touche, but how are we gonna get this up?

"I'll go up." If Dean was more sober, he would never let Cas up on that ladder either, but he's not, and he's more concerned about getting the tree up because anything is a good distraction for him at this point, so they traipse out into the yard to find the ladder. 

It's out in the back, leaning against the shed from when Dean tried to clear out the gutters and failed. He picks up the ladder, but it's heavier than he expects and he wobbles backward. Cas reacts a whole lot faster, and he catches the ladder before it can fall over. Dean hands it over and they head back inside. 

Cas gets the ladder set up, and Dean helps him wind the garland around the tree, tucking the excess bits under the back of the tree near the outlet. When the lights come out, things take a turn for the worse, and Dean ends up sitting at the base of the tree with his whiskey between his legs because fuck Christmas lights. They're new, so on the positive side, they don't have to worry about detangling them, but the wries are also stiff, and lights are hard enough to put on a short tree when you're sober; Dean's pretty far into his bottle, and this tree is an absolute monstrosity.

Dean definitely, 100% should not be climbing a ladder, but they flipped a coin, and he lost, so here he is with a handful of lights sitting on a sticker at the top of the ladder that clearly reads **_DO NOT STAND OR SIT_**. It's fine, he'll be fine. And he is, for the most part; they get the string about halfway down the tree before Dean runs out of lights and Cas has to pass the next string up to him, and Dean nearly falls face forward trying to grab them, so he goes down a couple steps and switches his position so his chest is pressed against the rungs.

He's useless for the most part and Cas has to pull the tree further out into the room so he can walk around it. When the lights are up, Dean calls it a day for the tree because his foot is going numb, and he's not so stubborn that he thinks either of them should be going up the ladder anymore. Besides, there are other things they can do. 

Cas takes a wreath and a box of decorations and heads into the hall, leaving Dean to decorate the electric fireplace. He pushes all the remotes and miscellaneous stuff onto the floor to make space for the garland, and bends it so it follows the line of the fireplace. This is one of those Cas ideas, that he would never do on his own, so he's got a little list of things that go on the fireplace, that Cas had previously made up for him. He attempts to wrap the silver garland around the first without displacing it, but it proves futile, so he just sort of drapes it over and goes back to the box of ornaments. 

His phone is sitting next to the box, and it's blinking at him. It's probably Sam, so he doesn't really want to see what the text says, but he's picking up the phone and reading it before he can stop himself. 

_Sorry we didn't get to see much of you today, but we're having a proper engagement party on the 15th and I'd love for you to be there._

Dean texts back that of course he'd love to be there, because Sam is his brother, and as much as he is miserable in his own life, he's not going to let it ruin Sam's, especially not now when he's so happy. Really though, the last thing he wants to do is go sit in another room with a dozen people who are so happy for Sam, and have to deal with dozens of jokes about him just waiting to find the right one. Ha ha, everyone is so fucking funny. 

He doesn't want to let it bother him because he's having a good time, but alcohol always seems to aggravate the problem, and as much as he tries, the thoughts nag at the back of his mind, and when Cas comes back in, he's done absolutely nothing since putting the garlands up, and he's sitting in front of the fireplace with the bottle in one hand and his phone in the other. 

"What's up?" Cas asks, facing him as he crouches to sift through another box of stuff. 

"Nothing," he mutters reflexively. Cas tilts his head, and when Dean doesn't reply immediately, he shuffles over to sit next to him. Cas frowns down at Dean's phone.

"Is it Sam?"

"Yeah."

Cas takes the bottle from Dean and takes a swig before setting it down behind him and resting a hand on Dean's knee, "what does he want?"

"They're having an engagement party next week, and Sam wants me to go."

"Of course he does, he's your brother. I don't see how that's a problem."

"It's not- it shouldn't be. Sam's not the problem, it's everyone else."

"Tell me?" Cas asks. His hand slips further up Dean's thigh, and Dean swallows hard to force down the burning heat that prickles at the back of his neck. He should know better by now than to let Cas touch him, especially when he's been drinking, but apparently, he doesn't.

"I've been trying to tell myself that I'm okay on my own," he starts, and he doesn't plan on saying anything else, but now that it's started, he can't stop, and the words just spill out of his mouth without any warning, "but I'm not. I'm a fucking mess who can't even deal with my brother being happy. I thought I'd be okay with you and Charlie and my family, but I'm not. I haven't really been happy since we ended things, and even then..." he trails off because he was not at supposed to say that, not at all. 

"You're lonely," Cas says, and he's not wrong, but Dean doesn't want to admit it. He frowns and twines his fingers together in his lap, avoiding Cas. "Dean," Cas says softly, "you don't have to be alone."

"You don't understand," Dean mumbles, "it's not like I'm alone by choice-" he looks up and his words and dissolve on his tongue. Cas is on his hands and knees, watching Dean with hooded eyes, and Dean's breath catches. 

"You're not alone now."

"No," Dean breathes, "but Cas-" he doesn't get a chance to finish because Cas moves forward and Dean falls back onto his hands with Cas hovering over him. His heart is racing, and he wants so badly to lie back and pull Cas down on top of him, but his body doesn't seem to be functioning. He can feel Cas' breath against his skin, and it sends shivers through his whole body. "I-" he starts, but Cas shakes his head slowly, crawling over Dean until their foreheads bump together. 

His nose bumps against Dean, and Dean instinctively closes his eyes, licking his lips subconsciously. Heat radiates off of Cas, and Dean can hear the heavy sound of Cas' breath in his ear. Cas leans in slowly and when his lips brush against Dean's, it's all Dean can do to hold himself back. 

It's barely a touch, just the faintest brush of skin on skin, but Dean's breathless, and when it's over, Dean can barely manage a, "what are you doing?"

Cas tips his head forward so it's pressed against Dean's again, "I just want you to know how wrong you are about yourself." He leans in again, but this time when his lips meet Dean's, they're firm and solid against him, and Dean doesn't pull away. He parts his lips and lets Cas deepen the kiss, surrendering to him as Cas' knee bumps against his thigh.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys!! Next week is the last week, and I don't know how that happened. I feel like this thing has been in my brain forever, and next week it will all be done.

Dean lets out a deep breath as Cas pulls away, and bites his bottom lip. Without thinking, he curls his fingers in the front of Cas' shirt and tugs him forward again, kissing him briefly, though urgently. Cas hums against him and runs a hand up his arm. 

"Maybe we should save the outside lights for another day?" he breathes, and Dean nods. Dean tugs him closer again, and Cas drops to his elbows, resting on his hip next to Dean. Cas kisses him again, cautious at first like he's not certain that Dean won't change his mind and push him away, but Dean can't think of anything he's less likely to do. He makes his point by rolling onto his side and pressing his knee between Cas', and sliding his hand up Cas' back and into his hair. 

Cas' hand runs up his side, and Dean arches forward into him. It seems to give Cas the confidence he's lacking, and he rolls Dean onto his back, straddling his thighs and claiming Dean's mouth with his own. His hands are everywhere; sliding down Dean's sides, his thighs, his neck - his fingers dancing over Dean's skin and leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. It's cold in the living room, but when Cas pushes his shirt up, all Dean can feel is the hot press of his palm against his hip. He arches into the touch and traces the line of Cas' lip with his tongue, pushing into Cas' mouth as his hands twine themselves in Cas' hair. 

Cas moans into his mouth and nipping at his bottom lip. His hands slip under Dean's shoulders and he hauls him up into his lap, sliding down his back to bring him closer. Dean's itching all over; he's been thinking about this for months, but as Cas' tongue slips between his lips he feels the need to pull away. He's getting hard already, every slide of lips and press of Cas' hands against his cold skin sending shocks of pleasure straight through him, but he doesn't want Cas to know; he doesn't want to push this. 

He tries to shift back, wiggling his hips against Cas' hold on him, but he only succeeds in getting himself hauled forward so quickly that Cas has to throw a hand back to brace himself. He huffs a shaky laugh and looks up at Dean with those beautiful fucking eyes, and Dean just loves him so fucking much. He leans back, running his hands up Cas' stomach, and Cas just watches him, tracking his every movement as he holds Dean's hips in place, which only serves to make him hotter. He pulls Cas' shirt up over his head, leaning into him and running his hands over his bare skin. 

Cas' arms wind around him again, his lips following the line of Dean's neck, and covering the area with hot, wet kisses. One hand slips from Dean's back, sliding over his hip to cup the growing bulge in the front of Dean's jeans. He's not usually self-conscious about getting an erection, but he nearly jumps back when Cas touches him; if it weren't for the hand on his lower back, he'd probably be on the floor. Cas doesn't squeeze or try and push him, he just rubs over the swell of Dean's cock and kisses the line of his jaw. 

Dean's bites his lip and his mouth drops open as Cas' fingers brush over his head; he moans softly, and Cas catches his lips in a rough kiss, all urgency and no finesse. The hand that's on his crotch slips back around and both of Cas' hands drop down to grip his ass and tug him forward again. He rocks his hips up, pressing the thick line of his cock into Dean's inner thigh, and Dean arches into it, groaning as he curls one arm around Cas' neck, his lips pressing against his forehead. A wave of heat rolls over him, even as Cas tugs his shirt over his head, exposing his chest to the cool air. Fingers brush over his nipple and he arches into the touch, a small gasp dropping from his lips as Cas increases the pressure. 

Dean rocks forward, shifting forward on his knees to press against Cas' stomach. Every touch goes straight to his groin, and his cock is aching in its confines, desperate for release. Cas shifts beneath him and Dean has to readjust because suddenly there's nothing holding him in place, and Cas' hand is on his cock instead, rubbing him through the rough fabric. His other hand moves down to Dean's thigh, and his mouth takes its place licking over Dean's nipple and sucking the raised nub into his mouth. The dual sensations are too much, and Dean collapses forward awkwardly, holding himself up with one hand while the other wraps around Cas' neck. 

He's panting against Cas' ear, and he can feel Cas fumbling to get his pants undone when his phone goes off in his pocket. His fucking phone. 

"Ignore it," he huffs, and Cas dutifully continues in his mission to drive Dean insane. When it doesn't stop, Cas fishes the thing out of Dean's pocket, presses the end call button, and pulls Dean up flush against his chest. He kisses him again, sliding his tongue into Dean's mouth, and dipping his fingers just below his waistband. 

Dean grabs his phone and slides it under the edge of the chair, "no more interruptions," he promises, and he can feel Cas smile against his mouth. Dean sucks Cas' lip into his mouth and licking over the swollen skin. It's not enough; he wants Cas inside him, fucking him hard and fast until reality blurs and nothing exists outside of the two of them. 

He rolls his hips and Cas holds him there with his cock trapped between them, and kisses him hard, slipping one hand up between his shoulder blades to keep him still. His free hand pushes into Dean's jeans, pressing between his cheeks to finger the puckered ring. He rubs against him, and even though it's dry, it's the best fucking thing Dean's felt in months. He arches forward, breaking their kiss as he presses his cock harder against Cas' skin. 

"Is that good?" Cas breathes, skimming his teeth down the line of Dean's neck. 

"So good," Dean groans, snapping his hips forward as Cas' finger pushes deeper. 

"Can we go upstairs?"

Dean's whole body shudders with anticipation, "yeah," he pants, "fuck, yeah Cas." Cas kisses him again, smiling against his lips as he shuffles out from underneath him. He rests back on his heels and takes Dean's face in his hands, kissing him surprisingly gently for his intensity. Dean gives back as good as he gets, but the second he tries to put his hands on Cas, it stops. Cas rises a little unsteadily to his feet and holds out a hand to Dean, immediately tugging him forward when Dean takes his hand. 

He kisses him again, and they stumble back towards the stairs. Dean loses his footing somewhere around the third step and Cas topples onto him, pressing him down onto the carpeted stairs. He lowers his hips, rutting against Dean's thigh with a shaky moan; he's breathless when he pulls away, and Dean's so hard he can't stand it. He raises his knee, encouraging Cas' thrusts, and pulling him closer despite the way the edge of the stair presses into his back and shoulders; he's too focused on Cas, and every inch of them that's touching to care much about it anyway. 

Cas rises up to his knees, trailing his fingers down Dean's chest as he goes, and holds out a hand to pull him up. Dean goes with him, stretching up to kiss Cas as he fumbles with the button on his pants. He gets his hands swatted away for that, and Cas pushes himself upright, smirking down at Dean. 

"What?" Dean asks, leaning back to rest on his elbows. Cas bends down over him, brushing his fingers along Dean's jaw. He pulls Dean to his feet and kisses his lips. 

"Come to bed with me."

Dean shuts his eyes and brushes his lips against Cas', "you don't have to tell me twice." He tugs Cas along with him, continuing up the stairs backwards until he hits the wall, and Cas bumps against his chest. Dean takes the opportunity to pull Cas closer, grinding their hips together with a shuddering groan. Cas accepts the distraction, twining the fingers of one hand with Dean's to push up above his head while his free hand curves around Dean's cock. He squeezes him firmly, jerking him c;clumsily as he presses his own erection into Dean's hip. 

His patience wears through quickly, and he pulls Dean forward by his belt loops, never letting their lips part for more than a second as he walks them backwards up the stairs. Dean pushes the bedroom door open, taking Cas' hand and kissing his chin and dragging his teeth down the line of his jaw. Cas lifts his head to ease access as Dean bends down, nipping and sucking at the soft skin over Cas' chest. He works his way down, leaving a trail of wet kisses down CAs' stomach until his reaches his hips. He gets as far as opening the button on Cas' jeans before Cas chuckles darkly, and then he's being hauled up again. Instinctively, he wraps his legs around Cas' waist, and Cas smiles at him, shifting to pull Dean closer into a heated kiss as they stumble the last couple of steps to the bed. 

Dean's back hits the bed, and Cas is crawling over him, licking and sucking his way up to Dean's lips; every touch is like electricity running through him, and Dean wants more. This time, when he reaches for Cas' pants, he meets with no resistance. Cas lifts his hips, and Dean unzips his jeans and shoves them down over Cas' ass, barely holding back a groan at the way his cock tents his underwear. He reaches down to undo his own jeans, lifting his hips to push them down his legs, and Cas lets him get them to his knees before his hands slide under Dean's thighs and he finishes the job himself. 

Kicking his own pants to the ground, Cas climbs back onto the bed, pushing Dean's thighs aside to slip between them. He sucks Dean's bottom lip into his mouth, and moves back, pressing his nose just under Dean's ear. 

"You're wet," he breathes, letting his hand drift to the wet spot in Dean's boxers. His fingers curl over the elastic waistband, and he rubs the head of Dean's cock with his palm, pressing the swollen head against Dean's abdomen. He can feel pre-come smear over his skin, and it only serves to make him more impatient; he cups Cas' cock, shuddering at the resulting moan that slips from Cas' lips. 

Cas leans over him, pushing his elbows up under Dean's arms. He kisses him roughly, dragging his hips frustratingly slowly over Dean's erection. With only thin layers of cotton between them now, the sensation is overwhelming, and Dean takes Cas' face in his hands, kissing him with renewed intensity. He pulls his knees up, giving himself better control as he ruts against Cas. 

Cas rolls them over with equal intensity, pulling Dean down on top of him and pushing his boxers down over his hips. The cool air is a shock against his heated skin, though it doesn't last long as Cas' fingers wind around him, sliding softly over him as he shuffles out of his own underwear. He holds back, resisting the urge to fuck Cas' hand, because he wants this to last as long as possible, but when Cas takes both of them in his hand, Dean can't help himself. He thrusts forward hard, leaning down so every inch of him is pressed against Cas, their noses bumping with every thrust. 

Cas' hands pull away from his cock, and suddenly they're everywhere, grabbing at his thighs, his shoulders, his hips, anything he can hold on to. He presses his hips up, sliding his cock through the patch of pre-come on Dean's stomach, and Dean wants so badly; he wants to taste Cas, wants to feel the heavy weight of his cock on his tongue, so when Cas moves to pull away and sit up, Dean slides down the bed. He runs his hands up Cas' inner thighs, stopping just short of his cock, and presses his lips to the tip, flicking his eyes up to watch Cas' expression as he sinks down on him. He's not disappointed. Cas' face contorts with pleasure and his hips jump despite Cas' self control, seeking the wet heat of Dean's mouth. 

He loves this, maybe more than anything else; watching the way Cas' composure crumbles under his touch, the way Cas looks at him, the faint tug of his hair that slowly gets firmer as Dean sinks lower and lower onto his cock. He sits like that, with Cas' cock pressed against the back of his throat, his fingers tight in his hair, for as long as he can take it, sliding his own cock against the bed to stave off the desperation. Cas shakes beneath him, and he has to push Dean off of him before Dean remembers to breathe again. He looks up at Cas and finds himself yanked forward and rolled onto his back. Cas flips him onto his stomach and Dean shifts partially onto his side to watch as Cas climbs over him. 

Cas' cock presses between his cheeks briefly, and Dean hums in satisfaction at the brush of skin against him, however brief. He smiles back at Cas and reaches for the side table drawer, but Cas cuts him off; he kisses Dean as he pulls the drawer open, and Dean settles down into the bed as Cas pulls back, resting his head on his crossed arms and pushing his hips up to give Cas better access. He gets a soft smack for that, followed by a series of soft kisses before Cas' slick finger pushes into him and all the breath rushes from his lungs. 

Dean spreads his knees and lifts his hips, pushing back onto Cas as well as he can manage. Cas' patience seems to have returned because he fingers Dean slowly, drawing it out as Dean huffs and moans into the sheets, his fingers digging into the mattress as Cas slips in a second finger alongside the first. He seeks out Dean's prostate and massages it, fucking him with his fingers until the sheets are soaked with pre-come and Dean's about to come. He presses his face into the bed and lets out a loud moan as Cas thrusts into him, just barely holding himself up. 

"I'm ready," he breathes, and Cas draws his fingers out impossibly slowly; Dean's hips rise to chase the feeling of them, and Cas chuckles against his skin.

"Are you sure?" he asks, smiling against Dean's skin before leaning down to flick his tongue at Dean's hole. 

"Cas," Dean groans, "I'm gonna come if you don't stop fucking around." There's no malice to his words, but the urgency is enough to make Cas stop. 

"I'm sorry," he hums. Cas kisses over the swell of his ass and up his spine, throwing his leg over Dean's thigh so he covers him completely. He nips at Dean's neck, sucking at the soft skin as he slips his cock between Dean's cheeks, and Dean reaches around, curling his fingers in the short hairs at the back of Cas' neck. 

"Fuck me," he breathes, "Cas..." Cas barely moves from where he's lying, just shifts slightly as he slicks up his cock; he groans as he pushes in, and Dean grabs his free hand, squeezing tightly as Cas fully sheaths himself. 

Cas repositions himself over Dean, twining the fingers of their other hands and rocking his hips back and forward again. Cas fucks into him slowly, then snaps his hips, pushing himself deep into Dean with a soft grunt. He shifts his hips and Dean moans as electricity shoots through him; he pulls his hands away, sliding them back into Cas' hair and tugging gently as Cas' hips snap forward again.

Cas pushes himself up as he fucks Dean harder, biting down on Dean's shoulder and grunting into his skin. Dean can't do much in the position he's in other then rut against the bed and grab frantically at Cas' neck and shoulders when that proves not to be enough. 

"Oh Dean," Cas groans, sucking at the spot on Dean's neck, "you feel so fucking good." He pushes himself up, bracing himself on Dean's hips as he fucks him quick and hard. Cas slides in slowly then pulls out completely, chuckling softly as Dean whines in protest. "I want to be able to touch you," he breathes, "roll over, Dean."

Dean obediently rolls onto his back, smiling up as Cas bends over him, kissing a line down his stomach and up the length of his cock. Dean lets out a breathy _oh fuck_ as Cas' lips slide over his head, but he's caught off guard as the head of Cas' cock bumps against him. His whole body tenses up as Cas bottoms out again and he grips Cas' shoulder as Cas fucks into him, slowly at first, then building speed as Dean clenches around him. It's so good; too fucking good with Cas' mouth on his at the same time, and Dean has to push him off to keep from coming too soon. He curls a hand around the back of Cas' neck and pulls him down over him, kissing him desperately and lifting his hips with each of Cas' thrusts.

Cas reaches between them, taking Dean's erection in hand and jacking him quick and steady. Their kisses deteriorate, until they're barely touching, just sharing breath with the occasional brush of skin, and Dean's so fucking close. Cas lets go of him, planting his forearms on the bed next to Dean's shoulders and rolling his hips slowly. Dean presses his own hips up, nudging Cas' stomach with his cock; heat coils in his gut and he throws his arms around Cas' neck, arching up as Cas' thrusts falter. 

Dean comes with a cut off moan as Cas kisses him; spilling between them as he continues to rock his hips up in time with Cas' thrusts. Cas follows shortly after, holding Dean tightly, and Dean keeps his arms around him, kissing him softly and stroking his back as he rides it out. They stay like that for some time, holding each other as the rush fades. 

Eventually, Cas rolls off onto his back, leaning over to kiss Dean before shutting his eyes. He's breathing heavily, and Dean's whole body is limp, like every muscle in his body has just given up, and he barely manages to turn onto his stomach, sliding his hand up Cas' chest. Cas lifts his hand, turning it over to kiss his palm, before twisting their fingers together. Dean smiles to himself and shuts his eyes, just for a second.


	34. Chapter 34

When he opens his eyes again, Cas is gone, and Dean thinks that maybe it was all just a dream, until he rolls over and his legs protest. Definitely real, he thinks. Also, there's a decent chance that he pulled something in his calf. Grunting at the dull pain, he pushes himself to the edge of the bed, and wobbles as he stands up. Reconsidering, he plops back down on the bed and rubs his eyes. He couldn't have been asleep for that long, so where the hell is Cas? He gets his answer a moment later when Cas wanders back into the room wearing nothing but a towel. 

"I didn't think you'd be up already," he smiles, kneeling on the bed next to Dean. He kisses his forehead and offers a hand out to him, that Dean takes, letting himself be pulled to his feet. Cas leads him into the bathroom, where there's a hot bath and candles waiting for him. 

"What's this?" Dean asks, turning as Cas circles him in his arms.

"You're a mess," Cas smiles softly, kissing Dean's jaw, "and I thought the light might be a bit too much for you right after you woke up." Dean cups Cas' face and kisses him soundly, pulling him toward the tub, and only removing his hand to pull the towel away from Cas' hips. He slips into the hot water and Cas slides in behind him, gently bringing Dean back to lean against his chest. 

Cas squeezes a small amount of soap into his hands, rubbing it over Dean's chest, and Dean drops his head back on Cas' shoulder, pressing his nose into his neck. He washes him from head to toe, including his hair, then bundles him up into his arms and leans back against the tub. For the first time in probably forever, Dean just lets himself have this; he doesn't question why or how long, he just settles back against his chest and closes his eyes. 

When the water starts to cool, Dean shifts in Cas' arms and turns to face him. Cas' eyes are shut, and despite the goosebumps rising on his arms, he looks peaceful, and Dean regrets having to wake him up. He pushes himself up out of the tub and wraps a towel around his hips, crouching back down to shake Cas' shoulders. 

"I'm awake," Cas mumbles, before Dean even touches him, "just thinking."

"Oh," Dean falters, rising back up to his feet, "about what?"

"Nothing important," Cas shakes his head and rises up, stepping out into the towel Dean holds out for him. He dries himself quickly and hangs his towel on the back of the door; Dean follows suit and Cas blows out the candles before following Dean out the bathroom door. 

"Your bed is gross," he says simply, "we can sleep downstairs tonight, and I'll help you do laundry in the morning."

"You don't have to," Dean yawns, but he has to admit that the idea of Cas hanging around is one he could get used to. They head downstairs and Dean makes sure everything's locked up while Cas gets the guest bed ready for them. It's weird, sleeping in his own guest room, but Cas was right about his bed being a mess, and he's not going to sleep on the couch. 

When he's done locking up, he pours them both a glass of water and heads to the guest room. Cas is in the closet, pulling down spare blankets from the shelf, and when he hears Dean, he steps back, gesturing at the bed. 

"It looks like we may have company," he smiles, gesturing to where Hunter is curled at the foot of the bed, "she's not interested in getting up."

"Shocker," Dean mumbles, crossing to the head of the bed. He sets the glasses of water down on the two side tables and hops up onto the bed, crawling over to Hunter and flopping down on his stomach. She opens one eye, but seems thoroughly uninterested in Dean, and shuts it again, readjusting herself with a groan. 

"Turn on the lamp?" Cas asks, and Dean nods, leaving the dog where she is and pulling the chain on the lamp next to his side. Cas flicks off the light and drops down next to him, laying the extra blankets over them without disturbing Hunter. Cas slides under the covers and Dean follows, poking Hunter with his toes in the hopes that she'll at least move out of the center of the bed. She doesn't. 

"Don't worry about her," Cas hums, moving into the center of the bed, "I can sleep around her."

"Okay," Dean agrees. He's too tired to argue right now anyway, and Hunter is warm at his feet, a nice contrast to the cold bed. "I had a good night," he mumbles, shutting his eyes. 

"I'm glad," Cas replies, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Dean's lips. Dean's mouth quirks up in a soft smile, and he shifts forward, settling into the warmth of Cas' arms.

\- - - - -

All of Dean's bedding gets tossed in the laundry first thing when they wake up, then breakfast, and then Cas insists on finishing the decorating. Dean's not totally into it, but he would rather do anything with Cas than anything else without him. They still don't get outside to put up lights, but everything inside is done now, and Dean's feeling a lot more enthusiastic about the whole Christmas season. He's still not overly excited about Sam and Jo's engagement party, but by the time it rolls around he's not dreading it anymore, a lot of which he owes to the fact that Cas has promised to come with him.

The event itself is pretty casual, taking place at an outdoor rink, and Dean is glad to see some of his friends and family who don't usually get together. He and Cas catch a cab, because he wants to be able to drink, and he doesn't want Cas to be stuck with him and sober. Mary is there when they arrive, and she's already got skates on, and is skating around terribly with Ellen. The two of them are doubled over laughing about something, and in between being worried that his mom is going to hurt herself, Dean is just genuinely glad to see her having a good time. They skate over when they notice the boys, and Ellen uses Dean's shoulder to balance so she doesn't go over headfirst into the snow. 

"Hey Dean," she grins, then turning to look at Cas, "who's this?" she quirks an eyebrow and Mary elbows her none too subtly.

"Uh, Cas," he says, caught a little off guard, "a friend of mine." Ellen gives him a disbelieving scowl and he's not sure who exactly she's been talking to, but someone is going to be in a lot of trouble when he finds out. "Cas, this is Jo's mom, Ellen Harvelle."

"Nice to meet you," Cas smiles, "and you too Mary. It's nice to see you again."

"You too hun."

"It's nice to finally meet you too, Cas, I've heard so much about you," Ellen grins, and Dean knows she's doing it just to bug him, but he feels like he's bringing his first girlfriend home. 

"Oh?" Cas asks, "really?"

"Well between Mary and Jo..." Dean tunes out at that point, giving him mom a skeptical look, but she just shrugs and mouths _what? I like him_. Dean rolls his eyes and gives her a genuine smile because honestly, how can he blame her for that when he does the same thing. 

Sam and Jo pull up just in time to interrupt, and Dean takes the opportunity to tug Cas away before someone says something that's going to make his life even more complicated than it already it. Sam already looks half-frozen when they walk over to meet them, but he's grinning from ear to ear and Dean is so happy for him. Sam pulls him into a hug, grinning at him like he has some big secret, and Dean doesn't question it because it's Sam's day, and he knows his brother well enough to know he probably wouldn't get an answer anyway. 

Sam turns to Cas next, and he's surprised when Cas just goes along with it, returning Sam's hug like they've known each other forever, and it sparks that stupid fluttery feeling he gets when he's with Cas. Ellen comes up behind him and claps a hand on his shoulder.

"Y'know, your mom used to look at your dad that way," she says, quietly enough so that only Dean can hear her. 

"Yeah," he agrees, but he doesn't elaborate. He's not denying how he feels about Cas anymore, but it doesn't mean he's going to start bringing it up all over the place, least of all at Sam's engagement party. Ellen runs a hand down his shoulder as she goes off to greet her daughter, and Dean takes his place next to Cas again. 

"What was that all about?" he asks, and Dean just shakes his head.

"Just Ellen being a mom," he smiles. 

Benny shows up later, and Charlie and Gilda along with him, and for a little while it feels like it used to until more of the family starts to show up. Dean's glad to see them all, but after a little while it gets overwhelming, so he and Cas sneak away with Sam and Jo to talk alone for a little while. They've got spiked hot chocolate and nachos and they manage to sneak away with help from Mary and Ellen to sit together on one of the benches at the edge of the tree line. 

They're all a little drunk already because Sam and Jo have been bombarded from the second they got there, and everyone keeps assuming Dean and Cas are dating - not that running away with him does anything to prove that they're not, but _still_. Everything's quiet for a little while because they're all tired of talking, and then suddenly, out of the blue, Sam blurts out "will you help us plan the wedding?" and Jo elbows him in the ribs. 

"Uh," Dean stammers, "that's probably not the best idea."

"We'll pay you," Sam insists.

"That's not the problem."

"I know the last one went South-" Sam starts, then visibly winces and backtracks, "I mean-"

"Sam," Cas says softly, "something tells me _that's_ not the problem either." He looks like he's barely holding back a smirk, and Dean could kill the pair of them. Jo is just looking between them and Dean like she's the only one not included in some huge joke. Dean would trade her places if he could.

" _What's_ not the problem?" she asks, and Dean shakes his head, and both Cas and Sam suddenly shut up. 

"Nothing," Dean responds. 

"No, really, why do you all know what's going on, this is my wedding too."

"What they mean," Dean starts, raising his eyebrows at Sam. He's just drunk enough that this doesn't seem like the worst conversation in the world, and two of the three of them know anyway, so what the fuck, why not, "is that this time we don't have to worry about me sleeping with any members of the wedding party."

" _Jesus, Dean_!" Jo demands, "what the hell?"

Dean opens his mouth to speak, but Cas puts a hand on his knee and interjects, "I should mention that Dean wasn't wholly at fault here. I may have been involved too."

" _May_ have?" Dean questions, turning to face Cas, "If I remember correctly, you were the instigator here, not me." Cas just shrugs, and Dean turns to find Jo with her mouth hanging open and a look of great achievement on her face.

"I fucking knew it! You know I never believed that bullshit line you gave me at karaoke, right? Why didn't you just tell me?"

"We're not together now," Dean clarifies, and Jo just frowns at him like she's about to launch into a rant about how stupid he is. Luckily for Dean, Sam seems to realize this too, and interrupts. 

"Really though, dude, I wouldn't want anyone but you."

"Sam, like half the people you know are vendors, you don't need a wedding planner."

"Yeah, but none of them are my brother, Dean, and I want you involved in my wedding."

Dean's ears heat up and he mumbles a quiet, "you didn't have to yell," followed by a much more confident, "does this mean I get to plan your bachelor party? I've always wanted to plan a bachelor party."

"Didn't you plan Cas'?" Sam asks, and Dean and Cas just look at each other and laugh. "What?"

"If I had planned Cas' bachelor party, I might have actually stayed," Dean shakes his head.

"You ditched?" Jo asks.

"To be fair, I also left," Cas shrugs, "I'm not overly fond of the way my friends party."

"Understatement," Dean agrees. 

"Well you can plan mine, and I trust you not to go overboard."

"Okay, enough wedding talk," Jo interrupts, "we have months to do that, but right now we're on a frozen lake, and I want to go skating."

Sam laughs and pushes himself up, pulling Jo up behind him, "alright," he smiles, kissing her forehead before turning to Cas and Dean, "you two coming?"

Dean considers staying there with Cas for just a little longer, but his mouth works faster than his brain, and he's getting up and following Sam before he has a chance to process, "I don't skate though," he adds.

"I'll help you," Cas offers, bumping against his shoulder. 

They rent their skates, and Dean sits on a log at the edge of the rink for fifteen minutes, watching Sam and Jo skate around in circles. Cas is nearby, skating back and forth in front of him and trying to get him up onto the ice, but Dean's not having it. The first time he tried to stand up, he almost ended up on his ass on the ice, and that's not exactly encouraging him to try again. Cas skates back over to him, narrowly avoiding spraying him with ice as he stops, and he crouches down in front of Dean.

"Come on, it'll be fun," he assures him, but Dean doesn't believe him. 

"Easy for you to say."

Cas chuckles softly, "I took a lot of lessons as a kid, it just kind of stuck. Come here and I'll show you." Dean groans, but he takes Cas' hands and lets himself be pulled to his feet. He wobbles at first, but Cas manages to stabilize them before he can fall right over, and once he's upright, Dean thinks this might not be too bad. 

For the first little bit, he doesn't move; Cas skates them around slowly, and Dean feels like a three-year-old with one of those bars you see at leisure centers. Cas shows him how to move his feet to make himself move, and he can see Charlie off to one side pretending not to watch as he struggles to make himself move. 

"You never went skating with your family?" Cas asks as Dean starts to catch on. They're a couple feet apart now, and Cas only has him by one hand, letting him do most of the work on his own now. 

"Not really. We were more of a baseball and going to the lake kind of family. We didn't do a whole lot of winter stuff." He shrugs.

"We should do this more often then," Cas says, and Dean smiles back at him, picturing the two of them fumbling around in the dark at Christmas. He gets lost in his little skating fantasy and forgets that he actually has to be paying attention to what he's doing, stumbling forward. Cas catches him, coming around to steady him, and wrap his arms around Dean's waist. 

"You okay?"

"'M good," Dean mumbles, frowning down at himself. 

"Hey," Cas says softly, and Dean glances up to meet his gaze. Cas is smiling back at him, and Dean can't help the way his heart leaps in his chest. Cas tugs him closer and presses his nose against Dean's, "you sure?" he breathes, and Dean barely has a chance to nod yes before Cas' lips are pressed against his own, parted slightly and hot in contrast to the winter air. He barely registers what's happening before it's over, because someone is shouting his name from the other end of the rink, and Cas pulls back sheepishly. 

"I think Charlie wants you," he says, trying to hold back a grin, "you shouldn't keep her waiting."

"If you think I can get over there on my own, you haven't been paying attention," Dean counters, though his brain is still focused on Cas' lips, and isn't all that interested in whatever it is Charlie wants him for. She's standing just at the edge of the rink, and judging by the lack of smirk on her face, is still oblivious to the fact that Cas just kissed him in the middle of the lake. 

"We're heading out now, gotta start packing," she sighs. 

"Packing?"

"We're heading out to Cali for Christmas, I thought I told you? Anyway, we leave in a couple days and I want t make sure everything's done well ahead of time, so I probably won't see you again until after Christmas."

"Well have fun," Dean manages, "you'll be home for New Year's right?"

"Yup, but I don't think I'll be much fun," she says, rubbing a hand over her swollen belly, "but I'll be there to pick you up off the floor when you drink too much and need a ride home. Metaphorically, of course, I'm not actually going to pick your drunk ass up off the floor."

She pulls him into a tight hug, leaning right against his ear, "and for the love of God, do something about this whole Cas thing, okay? I love you, but I'd love you more if you'd just ask him out already." She pulls away smiling like nothing at all, and Dean just gives her his best _I can't believe you_ look as she traipses away to go find Gilda. 

They don't stay for much longer after Charlie leaves, and by the time they go, pretty much everyone else is gone already. They share a cab home, and Dean's house is first on their route; he thinks about asking Cas to stay the whole trip there. As it turns out, Cas is apparently thinking the same thing, because just before they turn onto Dean's street, he sighs. 

"I wanted to ask you to come back with me tonight," he says, "but I'm so behind on my writing, and I know I wouldn't get anything done with you there." Dean smiles at him because he knows damn well if they got out at the same place tonight, there is a zero percent chance they wouldn't end up in bed. 

"Another time," he suggests, and Cas nods. They pull over and Dean gets out just in front of his house. He doesn't want to go home alone, but he also knows that Cas needs time to work - something he himself should probably be doing a lot more of. He bends down to say goodbye, but before he has a chance, Cas shuffles to the edge of the seat, pulling him down by the front of his jacket, and kisses him softly. 

"Have a good night, Dean," he breathes.

"You too, Cas. See you soon."


	35. Chapter 35

They don't end up seeing each other for over a week. In fact, the next time Dean sees Cas is when he picks him up for dinner on Christmas Eve. He was supposed to be celebrating with Meg's family this year, and none of his family is close by so Mary had invited him to their dinner. Truth be told, it seemed like less of a request and more of a command, but Dean had left that part out of it when he brought it up to Cas. 

When he pulls up outside Cas' place now, he has to mentally prepare himself; Cas has met his family on various occasions, but this feels different, and on top of that, the last time he saw him, Cas kissed him. Twice. With no pre-empt. He rolls his sleeves down, then pushes them up again indecisively. He repeats the process three times before settling on rolling them up just below his elbows because it looks more casual. He sighs and drops his head against the steering wheel, because when the fuck did a simple family dinner become so complicated?

A knock at the window shocks him back to reality, and he leans over to let Cas into the car. He's wearing a pair of dark jeans and a blue and white zip-up sweater, and he looks entirely more confident than Dean feels. 

"Hey," he smiles, and Dean's stomach flips over itself. 

"Hey," he returns, clenching his hands around the wheel nervously. 

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good," Dean lies, "you ready for this?"

"What should I be expecting?"

"I really have no idea," Dean sighs. He pulls out of the parking lot a little too quickly and manages to speak less than ten words to Cas on the entire drive there. He parks along the sidewalk a few yards from the house, kills the engine and just sits there. 

"I'm so fucking nervous."

"Why?" Cas asks. 

"Fuck if I know. Maybe 'cause I'm bringing you? Maybe because I'm just scared of everything? I don't know, I just-" he exhales slowly, rubbing his hands over his face. Cas unbuckles his seatbelt and shifts over closer to him. 

"Move over," he says, and Dean listens to him because Cas always has a way of making him feel better, even when he doesn't want to. Cas climbs into his lap, sitting back on Dean's knees, and whatever Dean had been expecting, this is not it. Cas starts in on his shoulders first, pressing his fingertips into his skin and rubbing out the tension. 

"You don't have to do this," Dean mumbles, but Cas continues.

"I'm not going to let you suffer through Christmas dinner uncomfortably. I don't want you to be stiff and sore because you won't enjoy yourself."

"I'll be fine, Cas." He tips his head back to look at Cas, and he's met with a look that plainly says that Cas isn't going to let him go until he's sure Dean is feeling better. Jokes on him though, because as long as Cas is next to him, he's still going to be nervous. Cas' hands do feel amazing though, and he lets himself relax a little under his touch. 

The only problem is he doesn't really know what to do with his hands. It feels weird to keep them at his sides, and folding them in his lap just makes it seem like he's seeing some sort of professional, but he's pretty sure professionals don't sit in your lap in the front seat of your car. Cas eventually decides for him, lifting his hands and placing them on his own shoulders when Dean won't stop fidgeting.

"Relax." Cas huffs a soft laugh, running his thumb over the edge of Dean's jaw, "close your eyes."

"Okay," Dean breathes, inhaling deeply as his eyelids drop shut. He focuses on the press of Cas' fingers, and the heat of his skin under his hands, and tries not to think about what's going to happen when he walks into that house with Cas. Cas seems to know he's not relaxing, and he squeezes his shoulder a little tighter. 

Dean slides his hands up Cas' neck, gently bringing him closer until he can feel Cas' breath on his lips. He runs his thumb along the line of his jaw, and up over the curve of his bottom lip. He can feel the hitch in Cas' breath, and then his mouth is on Dean's warm and wanting, and Dean isn't above making out in his car. He draws him in, one hand shoved in Cas' hair and the other on his neck, giving up any pretense; he wants everything Cas will give him, and realistically, he realizes that's why this night is going to be so awkward, because pretty much everyone in the room knows that except Cas. 

"Stop thinking so much," Cas huffs, biting Dean's bottom lip, "I can practically hear you worrying."

Dean surges forward dramatically, throwing one arm around Cas' waist and pulling him forward so they're pressed against each other. He kisses him softly, though determinedly coming through Cas' hair with his free hand. Cas is hot and willing against him, and even though Dean knows they're going to be late because of this, he can't bring himself to stop. 

Cas rises up on his knees, cupping Dean's jaw in his hands as he kisses him, tipping his head up and pressing him into the seat. He hums softly against Dean's mouth, his free hand moving between Dean's face and his thigh, occasionally sliding up just under the hem of his shirt. Dean is definitely relaxed now, probably too much so, he thinks as his hips rise up instinctively to follow Cas' body. 

Dean tips his head down, pulling away, "we should stop." He groans as Cas' lips find the underside of his jaw, "seriously, Cas, I don't need to spend my family dinner with a raging boner."

Cas huffs a laugh against his skin, "you're right, maybe later then?"

"You're killing me, Cas." Cas kisses him swiftly, then promptly slides over into his own seat, leaning over Dean to readjust the front of his shirt.

Dean steps out of the car and smoothes down the front of his shirt, "how do I look?" he asks, as Cas comes around the front of the car. 

"Amazing," he smiles, "come on, let's go see your family."

Everyone else is already there, sitting in Mary's living room, and despite the underlying buzz of electricity under Dean's skin, he's tense again from the second he steps into the house; it's fine to have Cas with him, but he's still anxious. Mary greets them both with a huge hug, and Dean is glad that he's here, despite the unwavering anxiety. She ushers them into the living room, and Dean sits next to Sam on the couch, smiling softly up at Cas as he rests on the arm next to him. Jo and Sam move over to make space for him, and he slips onto the couch next to Dean. 

"Where's Ellen?" Dean asks.

"She's in the kitchen with Mary," Jo says, "don't try and offer to help, you know what our moms are like."

"Jo got booted out for stirring a pot," Sam adds. Mary pokes her head back in to see if she can get drinks for anyone, and comes back with a couple beers and a tray of snacks. 

The four of them sit and chat for a while, and Dean starts to relax as Sam and Jo talk about the wedding because it means less chance of talking about him. 

"We want to do one of those rustic style weddings," Jo says, "like in a barn." Sam rolls his eyes, but Dean knows better than to think he's not going to give Jo exactly what she wants. 

"Like a country wedding?" Dean asks, "should I be buying you cowboy boots?"

Sam opens his mouth to reply, but Jo cuts him off, "please no cowboy boots."

"No," Sam agrees, "I think we'll pass on the cowboy theme."

"A cousin of mine got married in a barn, and it was beautiful," Cas puts in.

"They can be," Dean agrees, "it just depends on what you want, and how much you're willing to spend. Barns tend to need a lot of lighting, and lighting can get expensive. Cowboy boots are good, though."

"We'll figure it out," Sam says, ignoring the remark. 

"We'll just borrow mom's Christmas lights," Dean grins, gesturing to the garlands running up the bannister. "The barn on the other hand..."

"Doesn't Rufus have an old barn on one of his properties?" Jo asks, "I'm sure he'd let us use it, we'd just have to fix it up a bit."

"Uh-" Dean and Sam start together. Dean lets his brother talk. "Isn't that thing kind of falling apart?"

"Right?" Dean says, "last time I was out there Mom wouldn't let me go near it because it was a safety hazard."

"Okay, so there's more than just a little work to be done," Jo rolls her eyes, "it's not like we don't have time. We haven't even set a date yet."

"Any ideas?" 

"Well, probably summer or late spring, because we want to have it partially outdoors," Jo explains, "but we were also thinking of our anniversary, which is like, September."

"I mean, you could probably still do a September wedding outdoors," Sam suggests. Cas shifts in his seat and Dean glances over at him. He pulls up a smile, but Dean knows it's not genuine. It doesn't click in for a little while that Cas was supposed to get married yesterday, and meanwhile, they've all been sitting here casually discussing Sam and Jo's wedding. 

Dean manages to pull him aside before they sit down for dinner, and apologizes, "I wasn't thinking, I didn't realize what day it is."

"It's fine, it's just... weird. I was supposed to be somebody's husband today, but instead, I haven't even seen her for four months, and I'm hanging out with my wedding planner. No offense."

"None taken, though I'm sure you could have found someone better to spend your Christmas with."

"Who? Balthazar? or Lucifer? I don't feel like spending my Christmas unconscious thank you. Besides," he adds, turning away toward the dining room, "you're wrong. I don't think there's anyone else I'd rather be with tonight." He's out the door before Dean can react, which is hardly fair because he's not about to bring this up in front of his family. _Sneaky fucker_.

Dean takes his seat next to Cas; Sam and Jo are across from them, with Ellen and Jo at either end of the table. There's so much food, Dean doesn't think there's any way they'll eat it all. There's a bit of an awkward silence when Ellen and Mary try and figure out if they should say grace or not, and Sam is the one who breaks the awkwardness.

"Do you remember when I was five and Dad was trying to say grace, but you refused to hold hands because _boys don't hold hands with boys_."

Jo laughs so hard she chokes, and even Cas betrays him; faking a cough to avoid Dean seeing his face. He can't bring himself to look at his mom or Ellen but judging by Sam's smug little face, that's probably for the best. Cas nudges his knee under the table in what Dean assumes is supposed to be an apology, but his face is burning right up to the tips of his ears, and he doesn't want to look at anyone right now. 

The rest of the meal goes much more smoothly; Sam and Jo talk about their engagement - a story Dean hasn't heard yet despite having been to two different engagement type parties for them - Ellen fills them all in on how Bobby and Jody are doing back in Sioux Falls, and no one mentions the fact that Dean hasn't worked for two months. He eats so much he can barely move, and then Mary brings out pie and eggnog. Dean proceeds to eat too much pie, and drink too much eggnog, and then he kind of wants to die, but in a pleasantly, well-fed kind of way. 

Jo suggests playing a game, and everyone is on board except Dean, and thankfully Sam who, by the look on his face, also ate too much food. Mary suggests they put on a movie and relax for a bit, and everyone is much more on board with that idea. Jo and Sam take the loveseat this time, and Dean sprawls on the couch with Cas sitting at his head, perfectly content to just lie there with his eyes closed.

The house smells like pine and cinnamon - like Christmas, he thinks - and while they're trying to agree on something to watch, the only sounds are the voices of his family talking amongst themselves. It's moments like this that Dean thinks he is truly happy. He can feel the heat of Cas' thigh just above his head, and he inches closer under the guise of stretching; Cas hums quietly, and his fingers graze through Dean's hair.

The movie they settle on is Serendipity, because apparently everyone is in the mood for something romantic, and Dean just lays there and pretends not to think about what's going on in the movie. It's good, he can't deny it, but it makes him want to drag Cas down with him and curl up in his arms, because deep down - very deep, or so he likes to tell himself - Dean is a romantic, and also just really, really likes being wrapped up in Cas. 

Dean is so warm and full and content that he keeps drifting off, and Cas will subtly shift his legs or his arm to wake him up without making it too obvious that Dean can't stay awake. The third time this happens, Dean's head is in Cas' lap, and he has no recollection of how it got there, but Cas' fingers are methodically running through his hair and finds he doesn't actually care _how_ or _why_ as long as he can stay here. 

When the movie ends, Dean grudgingly gets up, pretending like nothing happened, and leans back into the couch. Jo is practically falling out of her seat to find them a game to play, and Sam looks just as sleepy as Dean feels. Ellen assures them both that will a little bit of spiked eggnog, they'll perk right back up again; Dean's pretty sure that he's already had too much eggnog, but he doesn't let that stop him. 

He's reached that point where he's so tired that he's pretty much willing to go along with anything, so when Jo pulls out the game of life, he doesn't even argue, he just chooses his car and carries on. 

The little blue dude in the front of his car gets married, has twins has a career, then retires. Dean doesn't pay much attention because he would be passed out on the table already if not for Jo and Cas tag-teaming to keep him awake. After the second game, they grant him mercy and call it a night. 

"Do you want me to call a cab?" Cas asks, gently rubbing Dean's back as he stands up from the table.

"Why don't you just stay here tonight?" Mary offers, "you can just- shit, Ellen's in your room," she mutters.

"We can just share the pullout couch, mom," Dean turns to Cas, "'s long as that's okay with you?"

"Are you sure?" Cas asks, but Mary's already walking past them into the living room to pull the couch out. Dean pushes himself up and follows after her, pressing a hand to her shoulder.

"Mom, don't. You already made us a fantastic dinner and wouldn't even let us help, I can make my own bed."

Mary sighs, and relents, but Dean can hear her call Cas after her so she can find them some blankets. Sam and Jo say goodnight on their way upstairs, and Dean falls forward onto the bed as soon as it's pulled out. The next thing he knows is Cas putting him down on the loveseat and refusing to let him help make the bed. 

"Dean, you're exhausted, just give me five minutes and you can go to sleep."

He's too tired to argue, so he lays his head down on the cushions and watches Cas. It's such a monotonous thing, making a bed, but there's something about the way that Cas does it that makes Dean all warm and fuzzy inside, though that could just be the eggnog. Cas is quick about it, and Dean crawls up the bed as soon as he's done, stripping out of his clothes as he goes and burying himself in the blankets. Cas promptly takes his clothes and folds them up neatly on one of the armchairs, before joining Dean in bed. 

"Come here," Dean mumbles, and Cas chuckles softly.

"You're drunk."

"No more than you. Come here." Cas cuddles closer, draping an arm over Dean's hip. 

"Better?" he asks.

"Mmhm. 'M sorry I forgot about the whole wedding thing. I've been so caught up in everything else that I forgot you were supposed to have been married by now."

"I told you earlier," Cas shrugs, "it's not a big deal anymore."

"Do you still want to get married?"

Cas frowns at him, "someday. I'm afraid of making the same mistake again, I don't want to be with someone who isn't going to make me happy in the long run, but I want to have a family, I don't want to be alone."

Dean shuffles closer, pressing his knee between Cas' thighs and tucking his head against his chest, "you're not alone tonight."

"You're right," Cas hums, pressing him closer. Dean shuts his eyes, breathing in the scent of Cas' skin; he's still sleepy, but the exhaustion has subsided a little. He presses his lips against Cas' chest, kissing a line up to his neck and under his jaw. Cas squirms, but tips his head back into his pillow, making room for Dean, and it isn't long before he rolls Dean over onto his back and kisses him soundly. 

It catches Dean off guard, and for a second he forgets to react, but Cas slides a hand up his side, and Dean gets with the program pretty quickly. He can feel the press of Cas' soft cock through his underwear, and he curses his body for being so goddamn sensitive. 

Cas' lips are hot and demanding against his mouth, and Dean's achingly hard after only a few minutes, but Cas is just so goddamn collected. He's hard, Dean knows because he can feel his erection every time he moves, but where Dean is breathless and panting, just barely keeping himself from moaning every time Cas touches him, Cas is quiet, letting his kisses speak for him.

There's a creak from above them, and Dean can hear someone walking down the upstairs hallway. He barely suppresses a groan at his disappointment, and Cas rolls over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. It's been a long time since he's had to worry about being interrupted, and Dean had forgotten how much it sucks. He rolls over onto his side to keep his cock from pushing the blankets up and huffs irritably into his pillow. 

Next to him, he can hear Cas' breathing steadily even out, and he shuts his eyes. Cas' fingers slide under the blanket, over Dean's hip, and he mutters a quiet _I'm sorry_ before turning the other way. _Me too_ , Dean thinks, curling his arm under the pillow. 

He wakes up a couple hours later in a hot sweat, his mind still replaying images of a lust-fuelled dream. He lays still on his back, afraid to move for fear of waking Cas. Maybe making out with your best friend when you have no outlet for the sexual tension isn't the smartest idea. 

He makes to roll over and slip out of bed; if he can get to the bathroom without waking Cas up, he can deal with this and no one will be the wiser. Cas of course, has to go and ruin his plan by waking up. 

"What are you doing?" he breathes, his voice low and husky with sleep. 

"I just-"

"Come back to bed, Dean."

"Yeah," Dean sighs, defeated, "okay." He curls in on himself, shutting his eyes against the wave of _want_ that crashes over him as the blankets drag over his cock. Cas shuts his eyes again, easily drifting back to sleep, and Dean is stuck; unable to sleep because he's too fucking turned on, and unable to escape because his bedmate is apparently a light sleeper. He doesn't know what he's going to do, but he needs to relieve some of the pressure, so he shifts toward the edge of the bed and shoves his hand into his boxers. 

The first touch is almost too much, and his hips jerk forward sharply, thrusting his cock into his hand. He bites down on his lip to keep from moaning and pulls lightly on his cock, relishing the sweet relief. 

He's being careful, and quiet, so fucking quiet, but it's not enough, and Cas stirs behind him, reaching out to roll him over. Dean pulls his hand away, but his traitorous cock tents the blankets over his hips, and he has to shift quickly to try and avoid Cas seeing. Cas' fingers curl around his hip, and he pulls him onto his side. Cas is much closer than he had expected, his forehead pressed right up against Dean's, and Dean's cock twitches at the implication. His hips jerk forward, brushing against Cas' thigh, and there's no denying the sound the escapes his lips, though Cas doesn't seem bothered by it. 

He curls his fingers around Dean's waistband, tugging it down over his hips, and Dean's breath stutters as his cock springs free, bumping against Cas' leg. Cas leans into him again, pressing his lips just under Dean's ear.

"Touch yourself again," he breathes, and Dean is in no place to (disobey). He curls his fingers around himself, giving a few soft strokes to test Cas' reaction. He's not disappointed; Cas' eyes go wide and he's focused on Dean, the way his hips press forward, the way his eyes flutter shut. 

"Yeah, like that baby," Cas breathes, pressing his lips to Dean's roughly. Dean kisses him desperately, pulling on his cock and twitching forward with every touch. Cas sucks a finger into his mouth and slides back between Dean's legs, pressing against Dean's rim. "Tell me when you're gonna come," he says, and Dean can't do anything but moan softly into his mouth.

Cas holds him close, whispering in his ear, and it doesn't take long before Dean's right on the edge. He groans as he jerks forward and his cock slides against Cas' thigh. 

"Cas-" he stutters, sliding his hand over his length, "I'm gonna come-, fuck, Cas-" Dean shuts his eyes and suddenly Cas' mouth is sinking down on him, and he's coming, biting his lip to keep himself from crying out as Cas takes him down. 

He can feel Cas jerking himself, and he hauls him up, sucking Cas into his mouth and humming around him. Cas fucks his mouth, coming down his throat only second later. He collapses onto the bed, then rolls over, throwing his arm over Dean's stomach. They don't speak, but Cas hums softly as Dean shifts closer, and that's all that he needs.


	36. Chapter 36

Cas sneaks out shortly after they wake up, after a brief debate about Christmas morning breakfast. Dean is adamant that breakfast is not to be missed, but Cas is persistent, and he manages to snag Dean's keys before Dean can get to his jeans, and that's that. He makes Cas promise to be back before lunch, and Cas agrees before slipping out the front door. 

Sam's the first one down for breakfast, and he frowns around the living room before plopping himself down on the loveseat. 

"Where's Cas?"

"He had to do something," Dean shrugs, pulling the sheets off the pull-out bed and folding them up. 

"Didn't you two come together?"

"Yeah," Dean says, still only half paying attention, "he took the car, he's gonna be back."

"He took," Sam starts slowly, ensuring to enunciate, "your car?"

"Yep."

Sam gives him a smug smile, "you uh, you let him drive the Impala?"

"Yeah," Dean agrees offhandedly, like he doesn't get exactly what his brother's going for here; he doesn't let _anyone_ drive that car, and Sam knows it, but Cas is different. Cas is always different, he's coming to realize that. "I mean, there was no point in both of us driving last night, and he needed to go somewhere so..."

"Okay," Sam agrees, heading into the kitchen. 

Cas joins them again after lunch and he's welcomed back by a rousing cheer as Jo finally _finally_ ends the game Monopoly that they're playing. He slips in quietly and takes a seat next to Dean. He stays and plays games and eats food, and in the evening they all sit down and watch some more movies because Dean's family is pretty damn awesome. 

He drives Cas home that night and barely resists asking him to come home with him. He pulls out of the driveway before Cas can turn around and he can change his mind. When he gets home, Hunter is all over him, and for a few minutes he doesn't even notice the huge, wrapped rectangle that's leaning on his couch.

"Hold on girl," he says, rubbing her head as he pushes past her. He runs his hand along the top of the package, but there's no card or any indication as to where it came from. Okay, first things first; he feeds Hunter and lets her out, before pulling on a pair of pyjama pants and heading back down to the living room. 

He pushes the coffee table to one side, and pulls the package closer to him. He unwraps the corner, and immediately recognizes the ornate frame, though he doesn't know from where until he gets further into it. The paper gives way to a painting - the same one Dean fell in love with in Sioux Falls, and he doesn't know how to feel.

It's from Cas; there's no denying that, but that means Cas either had it all along, or he made a trip back to Sioux Falls specifically to get it for him. His heart clenches, and he runs his fingers over the canvas, tracing the line of the angel's arm where it connects to that of the Righteous Man. He picks up the painting and carries it upstairs, careful not to trip over Hunter as she dances around his heels.

Dean leans the painting up against the wall across from the foot of the bed; he'll hang it tomorrow if he remembers to pick up the hardware. He crawls into bed and pulls out his phone, hovering over Cas' name before working up the courage to actually text him.

**_< < Thank you_** is all he can manage.

_> > Do you like it?_

**_< < You already know I love it._ **

_> > I'm glad. _

Dean pauses becauase he doesn't know what to say, **_when did you-_** he gets a text from Cas before he can even finish typing.

_> > I've had it sitting around for months because I bought it and then I felt guilty because I was still with Meg, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything else with it. _

_> > Because I wanted it give it to you. I bought it for you. _

**_< < Thank you. I honestly don't know what to say. _ **

_> > You don't have to say anything. _

**_< < Thank you, Cas. _ **

\- - - - -

The remainder of December goes by in a blur, and suddenly it's the 31st. Everyone's planning on going to this huge New Year's Eve party downtown, but all Dean can think about are all the emails he's going to have come the 2nd. Sam's been nagging at him for days, and even Charlie is going despite the fact that she can't drink, so Dean does feel bad about it, but he's not exactly enthusiastic about spending his holiday with a bunch of total strangers.

Cas tells him he's going though, and then he goes and makes some stupidly adorably disappointed face when Dean says he's not, and that's the end of that apparently. It's a formal dress kind of event, not black tie, but not jeans and a t-shirt either, and Dean's not very good at that kind of thing. Normally, he'd just get Charlie's opinion on whatever is in his closet, but with whatever has been going on with him and Cas lately, he finds that he wants to impress him, or maybe make him jealous, he's not really sure; he just wants to look amazing, and he wants Cas to think he looks amazing - without actually having any input from him beforehand. It's a difficult situation.

"Cas says I look good in red," he mentions, trying for offhanded. 

"He's not wrong," Charlie says, but she raises both eyebrows at him, expecting some sort of explanation no doubt, as to when and why Cas imparted this information to him. He gives nothing, and Charlie turns back to the rack of shirts, flipping through the red ones, "what about something dark?" she asks, pulling one off the rack and holding it up to his chest. "Like this?"

"This one's nice," Dean shrugs, looking down at himself, "but I want to look amazing."

"I'm sure you do," Charlie smirks, "you gonna kiss him at midnight?"

" _Charlie_."

"Well, who else would you be dressing up for, hm?" she pulls another shirt off and holds it up to him before wrinkling her nose and sticking it back on the rack. "I mean, Benny's probably going to be there, but that ship sailed a long time ago, and if I remember correctly, you were behind the wheel. I mean," she continues, mostly talking to herself, "I guess you could just be trying to impress the general public, but New Year's isn't the best time to find someone unless all you want is a quick fuck. Besides, I have it on good authority that you kissed Cas at Christmas."

Dean freezes, because there's no way she should know that; there's no way anyone should know that. No one came down the stairs that night, and Mary was the only one downstairs and her door never opened- Charlie whips around with another shirt in her hand, but stops when she sees the look on Dean's face, something not dissimilar to abject horror. 

" _Oh my God, you did_!" she squawks, and now he's totallty lost.

"I- what?"

"You kissed him- when? what happened? was there mistletoe? did you-"

"Charlie shut up, what the fuck are you talking about?"

She shrugs, "no one told me you kissed Cas, I was just trying to tease you, but that look on your face..." she shakes her head, "now you have to tell me."

"Nothing happened," Dean tries.

Charlie takes the shirt that's currently pressed to Dean's chest and adds it to a pile of maybes that's growing bigger and bigger, "you're lying. Tell me."

"It was nothing," he says, shrugging, knowing that won't be enough to satisfy her, but it will at least delay the inevitable; he doesn't like telling Charlie about Cas, or he doesn't like her responses because she without a doubt, will tell him to smarten up and go talk to Cas about his feelings like a grown up, but Dean can't do that. He shouldn't be a grown up in the first place. 

"Lies again," Charlie grins, "what about purple?"

"Purple's okay?" Dean shrugs, glads for the reprieve.

"Light or dark? and what happened with Cas?"

"Dark, I think. Nothing happened." A blatant lie, and Charlie fixes him with one of her _don't test me_ looks and Dean makes a note to warn her kid about that look, because being on the receiving end of it as a 30-year-old man is scary enough. 

"Okay, I kissed him."

Charlie beams, and he wonders how she switches from terrifying to gleeful in such a short span of time, "details?"

"Do you promise not to lecture me?"

"No, never."

_Naturally_. "Fine. Cas was... not upset but not having the greatest night. Sam and Jo kept talking about weddings and Cas was supposed to have been married the day before, and I just- I didn't want him to feel bad anymore," he pauses as Charlie pulls a dark green shirt, "not that one." She examines it for a second longer and nods her agreement, sticking it back on the rack. 

"Continue."

"I wasn't thinking. I just wanted him to smile again, and the only way I know how is-"

"To kiss him? Dean, I think that says something about your relationship right there." Dean frowns at her. "If that's all it takes to cheer him up, maybe you shouldn't be so concerned about telling him how you feel?" She's not wrong, but there's also something that's been nagging at the back of his mind for a couple months now, and up until now he's been afraid to say it, but Charlie's his best friend, and even if she's annoyingly right about a lot of things, she's also his voice of reason.

"He told me he loved me when he was still with Meg, but he hasn't said anything since then? He doesn't really act like it, so what if he only wants me when we can't be together?"

"Well, first of all, he just went through a pretty huge breakup, and secondly? you don't tell someone you love them if you don't. At least, not when you're not getting anything out of it. He may be okay with what happened with Meg now, but that was pretty much immediately after he told you that. I can't say how Cas feels, but I would feel pretty damn guilty about that. I really just think you need to talk to him, tell him how _you_ feel."

"Maybe," Dean says, but he knows he won't. Not anytime soon anyway; the last time he told someone the truth about how he felt, he was turned down, and that was Benny, and Benny was never as important to him as Cas is now; losing Cas would probably kill him. 

"You know I'm right," Charlie says, picking up the entire maybe pile and pushing it into Dean's arms. "Try these on, we can talk about Cas after we find you a shirt."

The one he ends up with is a dark burgundy, just on this side of purple, and Charlie insists that it looks fantastic on him, and that Cas isn't going to know what to do with him. Secretly, Dean hopes Cas has a lot of ideas what to do with him, and he wouldn't complain if he acted on them; outwardly, he frowns at himself the the mirror, and runs a hand through his hair. 

"Is my hair too long?" he frowns, and Charlie just grins at him. 

"You're so cute. C'mon, when we're done here I'll take you to a salon, and you can get your hair done all pretty for Cas." He would argue, but she's right, it didn't work last time anyway. 

True to her word, Charlie takes him to a salon, and he has no idea what he wants to do with his hair, just that he wants to change it. Charlie flicks through a magazine with him as they wait for the stylist to finish with her current client; there's a lot of guys with their hair short on the sides and long on top, and Dean's not sure how it would look on him, but it's fucking hot on most of them. 

"You like that style?" Charlie asks, pointing to one of the pictures.

"On _them_."

"You could pull it off," Charlie says, covering the sides of his head with her hands, "Cas will be very impressed."

Charlie's right - as she always is. Charlie hired a limo; her reasoning being that she may as well enjoy something because she won't be drinking, but Dean's pretty sure it's just because it's the first time their circle has done something, other than sit in each other's living rooms and play games, in years. When it pulls up, Sam peeks out the sunroof, grinning at him, and Cas pushes open the door for him. He pauses when he sees Dean, blatantly staring with the tiniest hint of a smile tugging at his lips. Dean's frozen in time because if he was trying to look good tonight, Cas made it a point to outshine him in every way possible. 

He's wearing a navy blazer with a gold pattern that Dean can't remember the name of, and his hair is combed to the side for probably the first time in his entire life. Dean would give anything to push that jacket to the floor and run his fingers through his hair. He's probably standing there for too long, because when he looks into the car, the others don't seem to know whether they should be looking at him, or looking away and letting him and Cas have their moment. 

He grins a little sheepishly and ducks into the car, opting to sit across from Cas instead of beside him. Really, if he was going to get himself mixed up with someone, he shouldn't have found someone who can scramble his brain by wearing a nice jacket. 

The drive there is mostly uneventful when they pick up Benny and Tessa, Charlie nudges him in the side, and he looks up to find both Cas and Benny looking at him. He secretly hopes Benny regrets what never happened with them, but he likes Tessa, so he doesn't dwell on that thought too long. Cas, on the other hand, isn't even trying to hide the fact that he's been watching Dean since he got in the car, and despite that fact that there's snow on the ground outside, Dean's neck is prickling with heat. He doesn't know where to look, so he avoids Cas' gaze completely and tries to start up a conversation with Charlie, who is clearly on Cas' side because she refuses to be his distraction. Across from them, Gilda is giving her a look that's somewhere between amusement and exasperation. 

The remainder of the drive passes uneventfully; mostly just random chattering and Jo going on about how excited she is that they're finally doing something together - a sentiment that all of them are on board with. It's not until they pull up to the venue and start piling out onto the sidewalk, that Charlie decides to turn matchmaker again, and she holds Dean back when they're the only two left.

"I swear to God, Dean, if you don't at least kiss him tonight, we're gonna have a long talk about how serious you are about this guy, because even I can tell you he looks hot as fuck tonight."

Dean huffs a laugh, despite the burning blush that creeps into his cheeks, "believe me, I don't need anyone telling me that." He climbs out of the car and holds a hand out to her, holding out his arm as she steps onto the sidewalk. "May I escort you inside?"

Charlie grins and links her arm with his, "just don't tell my wife."

They're barely through the front doors before Tessa excuses herself to go talk to a friend, and Benny follows after her. Sam and Jo go off to dance almost right away, and Dean is left with Cas, Charlie and Gilda - only one of whom isn't doing something to drive him right up the wall. He makes a bee-line for the bar. 

"Whiskey," he says, "whatever you've got." He downs the first drink, then orders another and heads back to the group. He's got whisky for Cas, because that's what they drink now, apparently, and sparkling water for Charlie and Gilda, both of whom are highly appreciative. Cas smiles as Dean hands him his drink, and Dean's tempted to just spend the night at the bar because it's likely the only way he's going to get through this night without ditching early and taking Cas with him. 

The party's already in full swing by nine o'clock, and there are food and drink everywhere, both of which Dean makes sure to take advantage of. Everyone's been dancing all night, and after a couple drinks, Tessa, of all people, even gets him out on the dancefloor. He tries not to pay attention to them, but he knows Cas and Benny are both watching from the sidelines. 

There's a photo booth set up in the main hall, and down one of the corridors, they have a trivia game set up that's due to start any minute. He loses Charlie and Gilda to that, and Sam and Jo drag him into the photo booth. 

"You're going to be my brother," Jo beams, "we need some family photos."

"In that case," Sam says, perfectly deadpan, "maybe we should grab Cas-" Dean cuts him off with a sharp jab to the ribs, and Sam winces through his laughter. 

"Please try not to bruise him," Jo says, and Sam turns to her with a soft, smug grin that fades as she finishes with, "I don't want to be the one who has to take care of him."

"Brutal," Sam says.

"Okay, okay, let's go take our dumb family photos," Dean interrupts, pressing a hand to each of their backs and pushing them forward. He's not sure how he ended up being the one forcing them into the booth, but Jo sticks a glittery gold top hat on him and she seems happy enough. Sam gets a hat to match, and Jo finds a black and silver feather boa, which unexpectedly gets coiled around Dean's neck just before she takes the picture. 

"Boas are sexy," she says, explanatory, "I'm sure he'll love it," she adds in a much quieter tone. Her eyes flash up suddenly and she waves; Dean follows her gaze to find Cas watching them, chatting with someone Dean doesn't recognize, and that's his cue to leave. 

"We can take more pictures later, yeah?" Jo asks.

"You buy me a couple drinks and I'll do whatever you want."

Sam frowns at him, but Jo grins, "deal."

Dean crosses quickly to where Cas is standing with the stranger; a tall brown-haired man who's too good looking for Dean's comfort. 

"Hey Cas, I was wondering where you'd gone off to," he says, hoping he sounds more subtle than he feels. 

"I was just telling Dominic here how much we were all enjoying the party," Cas smiles, and the way his eyes meet Dean's helps to quell the sudden surge of jealousy that Dean's desperately trying to stamp down. "I was telling him how you're a wedding planner."

"I'm a party planner," Dominic clarifies, in a stupidly sexy Irish accent, "same general category."

Dean takes a second to pick his metaphorical jaw up off the floor, because fuck, this guy's voice is something else. The thought that Cas probably thinks the same thing is all at once terrifying and sobering, and Dean manages to correct himself almost immediately.

Still, when they get to talking, Dom turns out to be a pretty interesting guy; he's only been in the country for a couple of years, having moved over to take care of his mother when she was sick, but he's managed to make a pretty good name for himself in the business. Which, when looking around, Dean doesn't really find that surprising. They have a lot in common, work-wise, and it's nice to have someone to talk to who understands the job and isn't a client. 

He's not really sure when Cas left, but he's been sitting at the bar with Dominic for the better part of an hour when he comes back, making some excuse about checking in with his publisher. Bullshit, it's new year's eve. 

"Sorry, I've been sitting here talking your ear off," Dominic apologizes, standing up, "I should check on some things and leave you to your night, but it was good to talk to you." There's something in his smile that makes Dean's stomach flip, and he turns with a smile as Dom's hand brushes his shoulder when he walks away. He turns back to Cas with an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, I didn't realize it had been so long. Having fun?"

"Uh, yeah," Cas smiles, though it sounds forced, and he's looking off into the crowd. "Um, Charlie was hoping to get some pictures of all of us together, if you're ready?"

Everyone else is already crowding around the photo booth when they get there, and they all pile in at once, squishing to fit on the bench. They sit in pairs, with one half of each couple on the other's lap; Dean stands awkwardly on the end, not really sure where to go, until Cas sits on the end and tugs Dean down into his lap. Charlie smirks at him, and he knows he's never going to hear the end of this. 

It's nearing midnight by the time they're done with photos and everyone goes off in their own direction until the countdown. Dean sits at the edge of the dancefloor as Cas goes to get them drinks, and he's only alone for two minutes before Dominic strolls over. 

"Hey again," Dean smiles.

"Hi. I saw you sitting over here and wondered if you might want to dance?"

"I would," Dean says, "but I'm kinda here with someone."

"Cas," he says, clearly disappointed.

Dean shrugs, "sorry."

"No worry," Dom says, "enjoy the rest of your night." He heads back into the crowd and Dean shifts a little uncomfortably, hoping no one notices. 

"What was that?" Cas asks, sitting down next to him.

"Nothing," Dean takes his drink and drinks it all in one go.

"You're pretty red for nothing," Cas says, and fuck if he doesn't sound irritated about it.

"He wanted to dance, I told him I was with you."

"Why?"

"It's the truth, technically."

Cas's frown fades a little, twisting into a smile, "technically." He pauses for a few moments, then looks up at Dean, "Do you want to do something stupid?"

Without missing a beat, Dean says "yes."


	37. Chapter 37

"Do you want to do something stupid?"

Without missing a beat, Dean says "yes," and Cas smiles at him. 

"That was enthusiastic."

"What can I say? I like doing stupid things with you."

Cas's face breaks into a grin and he finishes his drink as quickly as Dean, setting the glass down beside him, and rises to his feet, holding a hand out to Dean, "come on." Dean takes his hand easily and lets Cas lead him out of the ballroom, mindless to whether or not anyone sees them go. 

Cas leads him upstairs and through an empty corridor. The whole event takes place downstairs, so there's little chance anyone will find them up here unless they followed them, and Dean's heart beats a little faster at the thought of being alone with Cas up here. It's mostly dark, save for the few dim lights in the hall and the bright white light that shines in from outside; it's a clear night, and the moon is nearly full, and judging by the few glimpses he gets of outside, it's snowing again. 

Just ahead is a corner, and rounding that, the hallway widens and one side is floor to ceiling windows and a glass door leading out onto a balcony. If it was summer, Dean would insist on going out to the balcony and lying under the stars where no one could disturb them, but it's December, and it's snowing, so he's going to have to settle for indoors for tonight. 

His mind drifts to the summer, and whether or not Cas will still be around there, or if he will have met someone and moved on from him and his little family; he likes to think no. Maybe if Cas is still with them, they can come here again - lord knows there are enough summer events- he doesn't get a chance to finish his thought because Cas suddenly tugs on his hand and Dean turns to face him.

There's barely a second's hesitation before Cas' hands are on his face, his mouth hot and eager against Dean's. Cas walks him back until his back bumps against the wall, slotting his thigh between Dean's legs. Dean melts into him instantly. Cas tastes like whisky and champagne, and Dean can't get enough of it; he parts his lips, welcoming Cas', and moans softly into his mouth as Cas' hips roll against his own. 

Cas returns with a groan, biting Dean's lip and pressing him hard into the wall, dragging his hand down to Dean's neck and squeezing. His free hand slams against the wall, and he rolls his whole body against Dean, breathing heavily against his mouth. 

"God, you're so fucking sexy," he huffs, kissing and biting up Dean's jaw. Cas' hand leaves its place on the wall, sliding down Dean's stomach and tugging his shirt out of his pants. Dean instinctively rocks his hips forward, and Cas huffs a soft laugh, dragging his lips down Dean's neck, "so eager," he mumbles. 

He gets Dean's pants undone remarkably quickly considering he's using his left hand and there's barely an inch between them. Cas' hand slips into the front of his pants, curling his fingers around Dean's half-hard cock. He kisses him hard, as he pulls Dean to full hardness, regardless of the way Dean's knees shake under him.

Dean feels like he's fourteen again, getting a handjob in the bathroom at school, only this time he doesn't give a shit if someone walks in, as long as they don't make them stop. Cas' hands are precise in their movements, despite everything, and Dean's just barely resisting the urge to fuck his hand, his hips jerking abortively. 

"It's okay baby, go ahead," Cas breathes into his neck, sending shivers down his back, and Dean rolls his hips slowly, testing. He curls his arms around the back of Cas' head and slides their mouths together clumsily as he works his hips forward slowly. The friction of Cas' hand is delicious, and it feels like Dean could go on like this for hours, just rocking gently into Cas' hand and kissing him- _God_ , the taste of his mouth alone is enough to drive him insane. 

He doesn't push too hard, just accepts everything Cas is offering and doesn't ask for more. At every turn, he half expects Cas to pull away but he doesn't, he just presses in a little closer and kisses more deeply. He manoeuvres himself to press his hips against Dean's thigh and when he rocks forward, Dean can feel the full length of his cock press into him. He moans a breathy _oh, fuck_ against Cas' lips and his hips stutter. 

"I wanted you since we picked you up," Cas huffs, breathing heavily against his neck, "you in that _fucking shirt_ -" he moans low in his throat, and he pulls away just an inch, dropping Dean's cock in favour of unbuttoning his shirt. He's not patient, and Dean's trying to decide how attached he is to the shirt because he's tempted to just pull it off and spare Cas the trouble. 

Cas huffs a laugh, and Dean realizes he must have been thinking out loud because Cas leans in next to his ear and whispers, "you might want to keep it intact unless you want to explain to your friends why you're going shirtless for the rest of the night." He sucks at a spot just behind Dean's ear, undoing the last few buttons and pushing Dean's shirt back over his shoulders. Dean groans and reaches for Cas' waistband, surprised when Cas juts his hips forward to help him; he gets his pants undone without difficulty, and hauls Cas' hips forward to rub against him. 

The first brush of skin on skin is a fucking rush, and Cas shudders against him, biting Dean's neck as his hands come up to frame his face. He kisses him hard and rocks his hips up, grinding against Dean's cock. Dean doesn't know what to do with his hands, so he just touches Cas anywhere he can reach; his face, his hips, his stomach. He unbuttons Cas' shirt, pushing it aside to give him better access. He slides his hands up Cas' chest and over his shoulders, curling his fingers around the back of his neck and pulling him close so they're pressed flush against each other, sweat and a small amount of pre-come easing their movements. 

Cas' hand settles on his hip, tugging him forward and slipping down the back of his pants. Dean instinctively pushes his hips forward, gasping as his cock slides along Cas', and Cas takes advantage of his momentary distraction, pulling Dean's bottom lip into his mouth as his fingers press between his cheeks. It's dry, and a little uncomfortable, but Dean wants it so badly; he presses back onto Cas' finger, wincing as Cas breaches the ring of muscle. 

"Careful, baby, I don't wanna hurt you."

"I need you," Dean groans, pushing his hips back again, but this time Cas pulls away. He draws his hand up, pressing on Dean's lower lip, and Dean opens to him easily, sucking Cas' finger into his mouth flicking his tongue at the tip like he would if it was his cock. 

Cas pulls out and slips back into him, and Dean goes limp against the wall, dropping his head back against the wall with a groan. It's a step up, but Dean still wants more but there's no way Cas is gonna fuck him dry, and honestly, even as horny as he is, he doesn't want that either. He's weighing his options when he hears something crinkling; Cas lips catch him again, and he can't see what's going on, but when Cas' finger slides back into him, it's cool and slick. 

He pushes a second finger in and fucks him slowly seeking out his prostate and massaging over it. Dean gasps and groans into Cas' mouth, sliding their erections together and shuddering back onto Cas' fingers. Cas pulls away again, and Dean doesn't have a chance to mourn the loss before he's spun around and pulled back against Cas' chest. 

Cas tugs his pants over his hips, and his cock slides between Dean's cheeks, catching on his rim. Cas' fingers curl around the base of his cock, and Dean pushing back onto Cas, moaning shakily as Cas spreads him open. He sinks back onto Cas fully, dropping his head onto his shoulder, and rocking his hips. Cas lets him take control, jerking Dean's cock and kissing his neck. When his patience runs out, he presses Dean forward and holds his hips, fucking him hard and fast, and Dean's barely hanging on. 

He comes all over the wall before he has a chance to stop himself, and Cas pulls his head back, muffling his moans with a heated kiss. Cas' arm comes up over his chest, and he fucks into him hard before burying himself deep inside him and coming with a cut-off moan. 

They stay there for some time - Dean doesn't know how long it is, but it feels like forever - with their pants around their ankles and both of them panting and sweaty before Cas pulls out and turns Dean around. He kisses him softly as he buttons his shirt back up, and Dean pulls his pants up when Cas steps back to sort out his own clothing. They're both a little rumpled, but not enough that it should be immediately noticeable to their drunk friends. Charlie and Gilda are going to be their only problem. 

"We should get back," Cas says, and Dean knows he's right, be he argues nonetheless. Cas tips forward to kiss his lips, then starts down the hall, with a hand held back to Dean, "if we're not back by the countdown, they're gonna come looking."

"Fine," Dean sighs, taking his hand and letting himself be led back to the dance hall. His legs feel like jello, and honestly, he's never really seen the point of the New Year countdown; it's just another year, it keeps happening every twelve months, so what?

Everyone is mid-countdown when they get back to the hall, all eyes staring up at the large screen at one end of the room. They find their friends amongst the rest of the party-goers and cross to stand with them. 

"Six, five, four, three, two, one-" 

The whole room erupts in cheers, and everyone in their general vicinity is kissing, except for Dean, who's still frowning up at the screen.

"You're such a spoilsport," Cas chides, tugging him hard enough that he bumps against his chest, "it's New Year's Dean, kiss me." He slides a hand up Dean's chest, curling around the back of his neck and pulls him forward. Their lips brush for barely a second before Dean melts into it, pulling Cas in by the lapels of his jacket. 

He shouldn't be so nervous, or whatever this feeling is, considering he just let Cas fuck him in a hallway, but his heart is racing, and he feels like he's going to collapse. Cas does nothing to help that either, sliding his hands over Dean's ass and pulling him into him. It doesn't last for long, and then Cas steps back with a smile on his face. 

The rest of the night passes in a blur, and then it's four am and Dean's in bed with Hunter curled up at his back.

\- - - - -

When he gets up the next morning, he feels remarkably okay, but there's a missed call from Sam that makes him nervous. He lets Hunter out and puts on a pot of coffee before shooting off a text to Sam to see what's up. The reply is almost immediate.

_> > Has Cas talked to you about moving back to Boston? _

Dean's heart skips a beat because no, Cas hasn't so much as mentioned moving. 

**_< < No_** he texts back ** _should he have?_**

_> > He just mentioned something about moving, I figured he would have brought it up... _

_Maybe not. I wouldn't worry about it._

Yeah, easy for Sam to say. Dean does nothing but think about it all day, but he doesn't have the faintest clue how to bring it up to Cas without sounding clingy. There's no reason for Cas to stay, really; they're not dating, and Dean's had dozens of friends move in the past, it's just a fact of life, the only thing is that this time, he happens to be desperately in love with said friend. 

He checks his emails to take his mind off of things, and as expected, there are three from prospective clients who got engaged on New Years Eve. Shocker. The first couple he barely even glances over because there are a dozen grammatical errors in the first sentence, and he's got to enough to think about today without have to proofread his emails as he goes. The second is from a lesbian couple in their twenties, and Dean automatically likes them because two brides means no groom to fall in love with, which never used to be something he considered, but after the events of the last year, he figures it's better to be safe than sorry. 

He writes back to them, asking if they'd like to meet sometime in the next week, and spends the next twenty minutes corresponding with Laura, the elder of the two trying to arrange a date to meet. He likes her already and hopes that they can work together because he needs the work, and god knows if Cas moves back to Boston, he's going to need something to keep him occupied. Fuck, what the fuck is he going to do if Cas moves?

\- - - - -

It's a week before he speaks to Cas again. Cas has texted him every day, but Dean can't bring himself to reply because he doesn't know what he'd say. He doesn't get the courage to call Cas until late Tuesday night, and when he does there's no answer. Dean's practically vibrating with restlessness, so he runs. He leaves his phone at home, and he runs.

It starts out as just a run around the block to burn off some energy, but he doesn't turn around, he just keeps going. It's pouring rain, and it's freezing, but Dean can't bring himself to turn back yet, not if all that's waiting for him is disappointment.

When he does get home, his legs are burning, but the rest of his body is ice cold, and he can barely breathe through the pain in his chest. He stumbles up the driveway to find Cas sitting on his front steps, and he instantly feels like he's going to throw up. He must look like he's about to run away again because Cas rises from where he's sitting and crosses to meet Dean halfway. 

"You know, I couldn't figure out what I'd done that warranted radio silence, but uh, that voicemail tonight pretty much cleared it up for me. I'm not going anywhere, Dean, and even if I was, I would tell you."

"What?" 

"I had talked to Sam a few months ago about going home, but I changed my mind-"

"You didn't tell me."

"No," Cas agrees, "I should have, but I didn't want to bother you with it before I even made a decision. I'm sorry."

"I don't want to lose you-" Dean starts, but his words catch in his throat and he falters. What is he supposed to say? That he loves him? That he can't live without him? If there ever was a time and place for that, it's long since passed. 

"Me neither," Cas says, and then suddenly he's throwing his arms around Dean's neck and pulling him close.

"I'm soaked," Dean protests, but he's already pulling Cas in, curling his fingers in his coat. 

"Don't care," Cas mumbles, "I'm sorry."

"Can we go inside? I feel like I'm gonna fall over."

"Yeah, okay," Cas pulls away and smiles at him, turning toward the house. 

Dean finds them both dry clothes and puts their wet clothes in the wash. He comes back from the laundry room to find Cas sitting on the couch; he takes a seat beside him and drops his head on Cas' shoulders. 

"So what is your plan?"

"I'm going to see Meg like I planned. I'll be gone for three weeks, but then I'll be home."

"Three weeks," Dean muses, "I think I can deal with that."


	38. Chapter 38

Dean lasts a week before his anxiety gets the better of him. He's been doing well - he even met with his couple and they made an arrangement to work together - but there's only so much not knowing he can take before it gets the better of him. Cas has been texting him the whole time - about his initial meeting with Meg when he came clean about his relationship with Dean; his dinner with Meg and her new boyfriend; his family. Dean likes being kept up to date, but it feels like forever since he's seen Cas, since he's been able to touch him, and it makes him realize that Charlie's been right this whole time; his only option is going to be to talk to Cas and tell him the truth but fuck, he does not want that. 

He's sitting in the living room with Hunter at his feet, and he can't focus on anything but Cas; he so fucking scared that he's going to go and find someone else, but he can't even bring himself to tell Cas how he feels. So he texts him. He means to say hello, or hi, or how's your day, or any number of other casual greetings but what he ends up sending is:

**_< < I don't want you to realize you're still in love with Meg and not come home. _ **

He feels stupid as soon as he's sent it. It's too much; too revealing, too honest, and he hates himself for his lack of self-control where Cas is concerned. If he wanted to tell him he was in love with him, he would. Well, technically that's not true, but if he was in a place to tell him, he sure as hell wouldn't send him some dumb message about not wanting him to still be in love with his ex-fiancee. His phone vibrates in his hand, and his heart jumps into his throat as he opens it. 

_> > Having a bad day?_

It's a joke, at least it seems to be, but it seems like the kind of thing you would say to your partner when they were having a not-so-confident day. Not to your friend-cum-lover who is desperately in love with you. To be fair, Cas doesn't know that last part, but the text still makes Dean mad.

**_< < I'm serious._ **

It takes a little longer to get a response this time; maybe Cas is trying to figure out what's going on with Dean, or maybe he's just too busy to reply right now - he is on vacation. 

_> > I'm not in love with Meg anymore, you know that. _

_> > Better than anyone. _

Dean's stomach flips, and he feels guilty. Cas is right, of course; he does know better than anyone what Cas and Meg's relationship turned into in the last year, but that's not the point right now. Or maybe it is, and Dean's missing it. All he knows is he's too sober for this feeling that's bubbling inside of him, and he would feel a lot better if he could actually see Cas and talk to him face-to-face. All he manages to type back is 

_**< < Still.** _

And if he thought he was revealing a lot the first time, he's doing nothing to retract that. He just keeps pushing _don't be in love with her, don't be in love with her_ , and why would it matter if Dean was just his best friend like he says he is, like he tells Charlie that he is? Except that this is different and stupid and a hundred kinds of fucked up. Cas doesn't reply immediately, and Dean's afraid he's figured it out, but when Cas' response comes back, it's not even close to what he was expecting. 

_> > I slept with someone last night._

The words hit Dean like a punch to the gut, and he leans over, running his hands over his face. Maybe he's been reading this all wrong. Maybe Cas knows how he feels and he just doesn't care, and this is his way of telling Dean's it's over. Dean doesn't reply.

_> > It didn't mean anything, Dean._

Then again, maybe not? Dean's whole being is conflicted, half of him screaming that Cas is going to leave him, while the other half begs him to listen that Cas is trying to open up to him - to which he responds: then why tell me he fucked someone else? Because it didn't mean anything? Does it ever mean anything? Does _he_? Probably not. Cas has been through a lot of shit lately, granted it's partially his fault, but maybe he's just looking for something to take away the guilt and regret of his relationship, and maybe that's what Dean is. Maybe that's what this new person is too. _Fuck_ , he's been doing so well with this, too. 

**_< < You don't have to report in to me._ **

It's petty and bitter, but he doesn't regret it. He's mad and he's hurt, and he wants Cas to know that. The next message from Cas is brief.

_> > I know._

"Helpful." Dean mutters, "you know, you just thought you'd tell me anyway because...? Why, Cas? What was the fucking point." Realistically, Dean knows this all could have been solved month ago, had he just told Cas the truth; it could have never started if he just hadn't fucked someone who was engaged. 

**_< < I'm not your keeper, Cas. You can do whatever you want, it's not like we're dating._ **

That last part is meant to hurt, and Dean can't even bring himself to regret it. He's hurt, and he's angry and it's all his own fault, and he's just gone and made a mess of everything like he usually does. He'll regret it later, right now he's going to be honest, and if it costs him Cas, then that's just one more fucking thing he'll have to deal with then. It's just what he does; he pushes people away. He doesn't wait for Cas to reply. 

**_< < I guess this is a good time to tell you I have a date tomorrow._ **

The response this time is almost instant, and Dean feels somehow justified. 

_> > Oh, good. With who?_

**_< < Friend of Charlie's from work._ **

_> > That'll be fun._

**_< < Yeah._ **

The conversation dissolves, and Dean's pretty sure he's fucked everything up. If he was anxious before, it's nothing compared to how he's feeling now, so he grabs Hunter's leash and takes her out for a run, turning his music up on his phone and losing himself in the icy wind on his face and the beat of Led Zeppelin in his ears.

\- - - - -

Not thinking about it helps, for the most part; work and Hunter and keeping up with Charlie are good distractions, but they end and then Dean's lying in bed feeling like a thousand pound weight is resting on his chest, and all he can do is hope that Cas is a better man than he is. When he fights with Sam, he throws insults and blames Sam for things that aren't his fault, and Sam just takes it, because he _knows_ that Dean doesn't mean it, and they've been through enough that Sam's just learned to live with all Dean's shitty behaviours. Cas hasn't. Cas doesn't know that he doesn't mean half the shit he says, that he's just trying to inspire a response without having to admit how he's really feeling because he's allergic to feelings.

It plays on his mind all night, and he wants to text Sam, to ask him for help, but by the time he decides to, it's past two in the morning, and he doesn't want to wake him up. He doesn't end up sleeping that night, so when he gets up, he drinks three cups of coffee and sits himself in front of his computer to try and find venues for his new couple. It's a bit premature maybe, but he doesn't have anything else to do. 

He gets a text from Leah - the woman Charlie set him up with - at about three, asking if they can change their dinner time to an hour later because she's running late at work. Dean almost calls the whole thing off, but he's met Leah before, and she's nice, so he figures he owes her at least showing up. He texts back saying the change in time is fine, and then calls the restaurant to change their reservation. 

Hunter's barking at the door when he gets off the phone, so he grabs her leash and takes her out, hoping to fill the time before his date with anything he can. For the first time since he left, he wishes he still lived with Benny; if nothing else, he was good at distracting Dean when he felt like shit. 

He plays Skyrim for the remaining hours because shooting people with arrows makes him feel infinitely better, even if all he can think otherwise is how much he hates himself. 

He meets with Leah just before their reservation, and she looks beautiful. And she deserves better. She's going into this thinking there's a chance something could happen; maybe they'll end up back at Dean's place - or hers, maybe there will be a second date or a third or fourth. Dean knows there won't be, and it has nothing to do with her, in fact, if he was in a better place, any of those things could be true, probably would be, but he feels like he just lost the love of his life for the second time, and this time he has no one to blame but himself. 

Amazingly, he manages to get through ordering drinks and appetizers and a half hour of small talk before the guilt starts to get the better of him. Last night he wanted to yell and scream at Cas for sleeping with someone, and now he's here with Leah, pretending like nothing at all is wrong, like he doesn't want to drive to Boston and beg Cas to forgive him for being such a piece of shit. 

Leah starts to realize that something's wrong, and Dean feels even worse. 

"Something's on your mind," she says softly, brushing her fingers over the back of Dean's hand. He nods but doesn't say anything. "You can tell me, I don't mind."

"It's nothing," he smiles, "just said something stupid to a friend and- you know what, don't worry about it. I'm sorry I've been distracted."

"I don't mind," she smiles and excuses herself to the bathroom. Against his better judgement, Dean pulls out his phone and texts Cas. 

**_< < I fucked up. _ **

**_< < I'm so sorry. _ **

**_< < I don't know why I'm like this._ **

**_< < I wish I wasn't, but_ **

**_< < I miss you._ **

He sits his phone on the table beside his cutlery and listens to the thud of his own heart as he prays for Cas to text him back. He needs to see him, needs to talk to him and tell him he was wrong, and he's an idiot and he'd do anything to him back. He'd run to Boston if he had to- that's it, that's what he'll do; he'll drive to Boston and tell Cas how he feels. Then it's up to Cas to decide where their relationship goes and he- 

His phone buzzes on the table and he snatches it up immediately.

_> > Dean what's going on?_

**_< < What I said to you last night- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be such an asshol._ **

_> > What do you mean?_

That makes him pause; how does Cas not hate him right now? How does he not know that Dean was trying to hurt him?

**_< < Last night? I wasn't exactlty friendly? _ **

_> > I also told you I slept with someone else, I wasn't expecting the kindest response after everything that's happened recently._

Oh. _Oh._ Cas isn't' mad at him. A little sigh of relief escapes Dean's lips, and he can't help the smile that spreads across them. 

_> > How long have you been suffering over this?_

He opts for the truth this time, and hopefully for the foreseeable future.

**_< < Since I stopped talking to you. I haven't slept. I miss you._ **

**_< < So much. _** He adds, against better judgement.

_> > Can I call you?_

**_< < I'm on my date. _ **

_> > Okay. How's that?_

He knows it's a ruse, that Cas is just trying to change the subject, but Dean takes it, because it's better than the other option. 

**_< < Honestly? I like her, she's nice, but I'm not into this. I'm not into dating at all, and I feel bad._ **

**_< < I wish you were here. _ **

**_< < I'd rather be with you._ **

_> > I'll be home soon._

**_< < Doesn't really help me now, Cas._ **

_> > Tell her the truth. Tell her you just want to be friends, then finish your date. Go home and get some fucking sleep and I'll call you in the morning. _

**_< < Okay._ **

He just hits the send button when Leah returns.

"Who was that?" she asks.

"Just a work thing, sorry. No more phones," Dean promises. "I do have to tell you something, though."

It doesn't go as badly as it could have. Leah's disappointed, but she gets it, and when Dean admits that there's someone else, she tells him he's stupid, and he can see how she and Charlie get along so well. She stays though, and the rest of their night goes much more smoothly. 

Dean gets all the way home without checking his phone, and he climbs into bed, curling up on his own because Hunter's grumpy that he left her all night. He pulls out his phone to text Cas goodnight and apologize to Charlie for fucking up his date, but there's an unread message that catches his attention. He doesn't recognize the number, so he opens it cautiously, not knowing what to expect. 

_> > I have spent 7 days listening to Dean this and Dean that._

_> >You two are idiots. Honestly, I'd be more upset if you weren't so fucking perfect for each other. Just tell him how you feel, or I will. _

It's Meg, it has to be. He doesn't know how to respond to that, so he tucks his phone under his pillow and tries to sleep. As exhausted as he should be, it doesn't work.

\- - - - -

He has two meetings in two days with his new couple, so that successfully takes his mind off the not-so-subtle text message from Meg, and the lack of messages from Cas. He throws himself into his work and comes home to Hunter every night, who is more than happy to see him and go for hour-long walks or runs every evening. It's not until ten or eleven that he starts to worry again, and he usually tries to drown it out with TV.

Tonight's choice is some crappy crime thriller that he's not even paying attention to. He's relieved when someone knocks at the door, despite the time of night. He's expecting someone with a flat tire or a dead cell phone or something, but when he opens the door, it's Cas staring back at him, and all he can think of to say is, 

"You're not supposed to be home for two weeks."

"Plans changed," Cas says simply.

"Oh." Dean just stands there, not knowing what to do, until Cas steps through the doorway, pulling the door shut behind him. 

"We need to talk," he says, and Dean's stomach twists. 

"Is this about Meg?"

Cas' face scrunches up, and he raises an eyebrow at him, "what about Meg- oh jesus, she texted you didn't she?"

"I think so."

"I'm sorry," Cas sighs, a little half-smile playing at the corner of his lips, "I told her not to, I told her I was going to come and talk to you, but she's... well I told you she likes to take charge."

"Talk to me about what?" Dean asks, trying to recall exactly what Meg had said in her message. _You're fucking perfect for each other_ or something like that. His heart thuds heavily in his chest, and it's suddenly hard to breathe. That's not what this is, right? Cas doesn't-

"About us," Cas says, and he sounds like he's having just as hard a time keeping steady. "About this stupid game we've been playing."

"What do you mean?" Dean asks stupidly. He knows what Cas is talking about, and he knows Cas knows that, but he indulges him anyway.

"The fact that we're dating, only without the commitment." The words bounce around in Dean's mind for what feels like an eternity, reverberating through every inch of him, and he knows Cas is still talking, can hear him, but the words aren't sticking. This is it, this is the moment he's been avoiding for, well, pretty much for a year now. "There's something here, and we both know it."

"What?" he asks, and Cas looks up at him like he just realized Dean wasn't listening. Good, this is going to go well. 

"When I was with Meg, I could justify sleeping with you because there was no way we could be together, but now? Dean, I come to your family dinners, I spend all of my time with you, and when I do go away," he cups Dean's cheek in his hand, "I miss you so fucking much."

"I missed you too," Dean breathes, and he doesn't have a chance to even think before Cas is crowding into his space, wrapping his arms around him. His sleeves are damp from the light drizzle outside, and Dean pushes his jacket off his shoulders, letting it fall in a pile behind Cas' heels. He buries his face in Cas' neck, because he doesn't know how else to deal with the barrage of emotions that overwhelms him. 

Cas smells like soap and fresh air and that undercurrent that is just unmistakably _Cas_ , and Dean doesn't know how it's taken him so long to get to this point, but the words are bubbling up and out his mouth before he can stop them. 

"I want you," he confesses, "I want you every day. I want to be with you and no one else, I don't-" he's shaking now, and his eyes sting with unshed tears, " _please_."


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, this is it. It's all done now.   
> This beast has been in my head for something like three years now, and I started writing it back in August(?) and since then it's just been a whirlwind and it seems so weird to me that it's all over and done with now. There's a few timestamps/a possible epilogue that I have also floating around in my head, so if anyone is in interested in those let me know and I'll see what I can do.   
> Thank you so much for all of your lovely kudos and comments, and thank you all so much for reading, you can't imagine how much I appreciate it.

Dean shuts his eyes as Cas draws back, framing Dean's jaw with his hands. It all happens so quickly, Dean doesn't realize he's doing it. Cas' mouth is on his, kissing him possessively, and Dean's hands run up into Cas' hair. He's holding so tight, his arms and fingers are cramping, but Cas is warm and solid and _there_ , and Dean can't lose him again. 

Cas kisses him like it's the end of the world, and they're the only two left, and Dean takes everything he has to offer, returning with equal passion, even as Cas draws away to kiss his jaw, his cheek, his neck. Dean just holds him close, afraid that if he lets go, he'll lose himself. 

"I love you," Cas whispers, and he sounds like he's breaking, but it's clearer than anything in Dean's mind. Dean draws back, and for a split second, something like horror passes over Cas' face, before Dean kisses him again, spinning them around to push Cas up against the wall. 

"Say it again," he pants, and Cas smiles against his lips.

"I love you."

"Again."

"I love you so fucking much," Cas smiles, bending to lift Dean off his feet, "more than you know." Dean leans in and kisses him again, uncaring of the tears that stream down his cheeks. He shuts his eyes and loses himself in the brush of Cas' lips against his own, the heat of his breath in soft puffs against his skin. 

It feels like an eternity that they just stand there, wrapped around each other in the hallway, but then Cas shifts weirdly, kicking off his shoes, and makes for the stairs. He's always been impressed with Cas' strength, but Dean's still not sure how they make it up the stairs and into his bedroom without falling over. Maybe because he's still shaking so hard he wouldn't have been able to do it on his own. 

Cas shuts the door behind them, and kneels on the bed, running his hand along the underside of Dean's thigh before lying him down on the bed. Dean curls his hand in Cas' shirt, but he doesn't need the encouragement, manoeuvering to fit between Dean's thighs, resting on his elbows above his head. 

Neither of them speaks for the longest time, but they don't have to; everything that needed to be said was said downstairs, for now anyway. There are so many things bouncing around in Dean's head that he wants to say, but they can wait - all he needs is the faint brush of Cas' fingers through his hair and the heat of his mouth on his. 

Somewhere along the way, Cas loses his shirt, and Dean doesn't think much of it until he's being lifted up again so Cas can remove his as well. He ends up on his knees in Cas' lap, arms wrapped around his neck as Cas drops the article to the side absentmindedly. Dean rolls his hips in small circles and Cas' legs spread apart beneath him, giving him the -- to rock up against Dean's movements. His hands map out every inch of Dean's back and shoulders, dancing over his skin and sending shivers zipping up his spine. 

Up until now, Dean was content to ignore the low buzz of arousal, but sitting like this he can feel Cas' cock through his jeans and the faint buzz grows with each touch of his hands, each slide of his lips. Dean moans as Cas' fingers travel around, sliding up the column of his neck, a low desperate sound that he doesn't believe came from him. Cas responds with a groan against his lips, pulling his hips forward with his free hand. Dean's only wearing a pair of jogging pants, worn thin with age, and when his erection slides against Cas' stomach it sends sparks through his entire body. 

The pad of Cas' thumb presses against his nipple, and Dean's hips jerks forward, rutting shamelessly against Cas' stomach as Cas rubs his nipples and rolls them between his fingers. Dean drops his head onto his shoulder, moaning and begging for more; a litany of _please, please, please_ breathed into Cas' skin. He's a wreck already, and when Cas flips him onto his back, crawling up over him the breath is pulled from his lungs. His cock drags against Dean's hip, and Dean arches up to meet him, moaning softly as Cas' lips brush down his chest. He lets his eyes fall shut and curls his hands into Cas' hair, following him as he sits back on his heels and works his way down to Dean's hips. His mouth is unbearably hot against Dean's skin, and it's all he can do not to press up against him. 

Cas huffs a soft laugh into his hip and tugs Dean's pants just low enough to expose his hip bone. Dean wiggles his hips and succeeds in nothing other than having them pressed into the mattress so that he can't move. He makes a pathetic whimpering sound but makes no effort to try and escape from Cas' hold. Cas sucks at the thin skin in the dip of his thigh, and a shuddering moan pulls from Dean's lips. His cock twitches in his pants and Cas' eyes flick up to meet his; he keeps his eyes on Dean's, shifting to hover over the tent in his pants. Dean pulls in measured breaths, steadying himself as Cas noses at his erection, his breath hot and heavy over Dean's sensitive cock. 

Cas mouths at him through his pants and Dean arches up immediately, pushing his fingers through Cas' hair. Cas tugs his pants down further, freeing Dean's cock, and Dean waits eagerly for the heat of his mouth, but it doesn't come. Instead, Cas mouths at his thigh, sucking at the sensitive skin and rolling his tongue against him. It's fucking amazing, and Dean can't help but squirm under Cas' touch, moaning softly into the room. He pulls his knees up, pressing against Cas' head as he makes his way back up. Cas lifts his knees, resting them on his shoulders, and smiles down at Dean, licking a stripe up the full length of Dean's cock.

He pulls away after that, and Dean arches up, tipping his head back in frustration, but he's caught off guard when Cas' tongue presses between his cheeks. Dean groans and hooks his knee around Cas' neck, pulling him closer and running his hands down Cas' sides. He tries, without luck, to get Cas' pants undone, but he can't reach. Cas chuckles against him, and Dean shudders, forgetting all about Cas' pants and flopping back on the bed. He lets Cas continue; he pretends it's his own ideas, but realistically he couldn't push Cas away if he wanted to. 

When he can't hold back any longer, he slides a hand down his stomach and over his hip, dragging his fingers up his own cock, and he presses into the touch, breathing heavily as his fingers slip against his skin, slick with pre-come. Apparently, that's all it takes to get Cas' attention, because he pulls up, sliding his hand under Dean's thigh before pushing his arms up above his head and rocking his hips against him. He's eager, suddenly, to get his pants off, and Dean watches with interest as Cas shimmies out of his jeans and tugs Dean's pants from his ankles. 

He shuffles back up on his knees, positioning himself between Dean's thighs and rubbing his palm up the underside of Dean's cock. Cas pulls his cock up, rubbing it against his own, and Dean's eyes very nearly roll back in his head. His skin is prickling with heat and the coil of arousal in his gut is tightening. He's not going to last very long at this rate, and when Cas curls his hands around both of them, fucking himself against Dean's cock, Dean can feel his control slipping away. 

"Cas I'm gonna come," he groans, jerking his hips uncontrollably, "I don't- don't want to-" Cas leans over him, resting on one elbow. 

"Dean, we have time. If you want, I will tie you to a chair and edge you until you scream for me to let you come, but right now," he drops down, pressing a soft kiss to Dean's lips, "I just want you to enjoy yourself, and then, if you want," he grins, biting Dean's bottom lip, "I'll make you come again." Dean rolls his hips with a groan, digging his fingers into Cas' shoulder. 

"It's okay, baby," Cas breathes, "you can come." He squeezes his hands tighter around them, rocking his cock forward, and Dean comes with a shuddering cry, dragging Cas' head down to meet him. He covers his neck with open-mouthed kisses, before collapsing into the mattress. 

Cas releases his grip on them, sliding his hand up Dean's side. He rests back on his heels, his cock jutting out obscenely, and he's never looked more beautiful. Dean's boneless, but he runs his hands up Cas' thighs, smiling up at him. 

"I love you," he whispers, and Cas tips forward to kiss him. He kisses hips lips, then his chin, his neck, moving down further and further until he sucks the head of Dean's cock into his mouth. He's overstimulated and shaky, but Cas cleans him off, circling his tongue around the head, and Dean's never one to turn down a blowjob, regardless of how badly he's shaking when Cas pulls off. 

He's already half-hard again when Cas is done, but his erection flags a little as Cas moves on. He spreads his palms over Dean's hips, smoothing up his abdomen and over his stomach, dropping down between his legs again. He presses his nose against Dean's balls, sliding his tongue back over his rim, and slipping a finger in beside it. Dean moans, lazily stroking himself as Cas fucks into him. He pushes in slowly, licking the muscle where it clenches around his finger, and it feels like he's trying to take it slow for Dean's sake, but Dean's just come, and he wants Cas to fuck him hard. 

"You don't have to be so careful," he huffs, and Cas smiles against him.

"Maybe I want to take it slow," he hums, and Dean bumps him with his knee.

"So much for _we have time_." 

Cas moves off the bed, disappearing for a few seconds before returning with a bottle of lube. He slicks up himself up and presses a second finger into Dean, thrusting into him hard until Dean groans and drops his cock, fisting his fingers in the sheets. 

"This what you want?" Cas asks, bending to lick up the length of Dean's hardening cock. "Want me to fuck you?"

"Yes," Dean cries, "yes, _fuck_."

"What do you say?" Cas teases, smiling up at him as he sucks on the head of Dean's cock. 

"Please, Cas, fucking fuck me- _ah_!"

"So demanding," Cas smiles. He grabs the lube again, covering his cock, and shifts so he's pressing against Dean's hole. He pushes all the way in, and Dean can feel his legs shake as he holds himself there. 

"Fuck, you feel good," he groans, dropping his head to rest against Dean's.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, Dean, _jesus_." He rocks his hips forward, rubbing against Dean's cock as he catches his lips, and they moan into each other. Cas picks up his speed, pulling Dean's leg around him and thrusting hard into him. 

Dean's hard again, his cock flushed thick and hard against his stomach. He presses up with each of Cas' thrusts, rubbing himself against Cas' stomach until he's dripping onto himself. Cas is panting above him, kissing him clumsily as he thrusts forward. He fumbles, trying to grab Dean's wrist, and pushes his arm above his head, curling their fingers together under his pillow. 

"Touch yourself," he breathes, "I'm so close, but I wanna feel you come."

"What?" Dean smirks, "once isn't enough?" but he curls his free hand around himself, and Cas is quick to wipe the smirk off his face. His thrusts get quicker and harder, and his grip on Dean's hand is firm and comforting, and Dean's coming again before he realizes it. He's vaguely aware of Cas mumbling in his ear as he rides through it, and then he's pulled onto his side, and Cas wraps around him, hooking one leg over Dean's hip as he follows after him. 

"So fucking perfect," he groans, "love you so fucking much." He catches Dean's mouth in a heated kiss, biting his bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth.

When Dean comes down, Cas' forehead is pressed against his, and they're both breathing heavily. He runs his fingers through Cas' hair, kissing any part of him that he can reach, and Cas chuckles, rolling onto his back and pulling him onto him. Cas' cock is still buried inside him, and it tugs a little as they move, pulling a moan from Dean's lips. Cas slips out, curling his leg around Dean's, and smiles at him. 

"Can I stay here tonight?"

"Yeah, baby," Dean grins.

\- - - - -

It's the middle of the night when Dean wakes up in a cold sweat. A nightmare, that's all it was, and when he turns over, Cas is sprawled out beside him, blissfully unaware that some imaginary version of him has gone and left Dean alone again. He slips out of bed as carefully as he can, tiptoeing to the bathroom.

He splashes cold water on his face and sits down on the edge of the tub. Why does he do this to himself? Cas loves him, Cas wants him, and a couple hours ago, this was easy for Dean to believe, and then his fucking brain had to go and fuck things up for him. He rubs his hands over his legs, trying to convince himself that he's just being paranoid. Realistically, he knows he is; Cas has told him, on two separate occasions, that he loves him. He's stuck around for months even though Dean is a shitshow that no one wants to deal with, and now he's lying in his bed, probably expecting that when he wakes up, Dean will be with him. _Surprise_ , he's too fucked up for that. 

Dean drops his head into his hands, wishing that he could just shake this stupid feeling; that he wasn't so affected by a fucking stupid dream. Cas wanted him when they couldn't be together, Cas still wants him now, why is that so hard to wrap his head around? He's still sitting there, hating himself with his head in his hands when the door creaks open. Dean doesn't even look up; unless it's someone breaking into his house, which at this point might be more welcome, it's Cas, and he doesn't want Cas to see how much of a mess he is. 

There's a brush of skin against his knee, and Dean peeks between his hands to find Cas crouched in front of him, elbows on his knees. 

"Sorry," he mutters, "couldn't sleep."

"It's okay," Cas hums, his voice still heavy with sleep, "what's wrong?"

"Nothin'," Dean reflexes, then adds, "just a stupid dream." Cas' thumb rubs circles on the side of his knee, and the doubt raging through Dean's mind eases a little, and he's able to remind himself that this isn't just some guy off the street; this is Cas, this is his best friend. 

"You left," he admits. 

"Dean," Cas breathes, pressing in between Dean's knees. It bumps his arms, and Dean drops his hands to his knees, only glancing up at Cas briefly. "I will never leave you."

"I don't deserve you," Dean sighs, trying at lighthearted and failing miserably. 

"Some would argue that I'm the one who doesn't deserve you," Cas says, rubbing his thumb along the line of Dean's jaw.

"But what if you get bored, what if you change your mind?"

"Dean, it's been a full year, and even when I wasn't with you, I wanted to be. I almost left my fiancee for you, why would I change my mind now?'

"You never told me that's why you were thinking about leaving Meg." 

Cas shrugs, "I had a lot going through my head back then, that's not important right now. The important part is that I _love you_ , I don't want anyone else, and I'm sure as hell not going anywhere."

Dean nods, and he feels a little nauseous because he's an idiot, and of course, Cas isn't' going anywhere; if he was going to, he'd be gone by now. He stretches up, bumping his forehead against Cas' and kisses him tentatively, sliding his hands over Cas' knees. 

"I'm sorry," he breathes, "sorry I'm such a mess."

"Don't be sorry," Cas hums, lifting Dean's arms up around his own neck, "you're not a mess, and I wouldn't trade you for anyone in the world." His arms curve around Dean's back, and Dean leans into his warmth, wrapping his legs around Cas' hips and pulling himself closer. 

"Come back to bed," Cas says, kissing a line down his neck, "and I'll show you how much I love you." He lifts Dean up off the edge of the tub, and carries him back to bed, despite Dean's protests that he's a grown man and can walk on his own. 

It's funny, in a frustrating kind of way, how all Cas has to do is exist in his general vicinity, and Dean suddenly feels 100% better. He kisses Cas as he's dumped on the bed, and tugs him down before he can get away.

"Thank you for putting up with me."

"Dean, I don't put up with you, I love you, and I will tell you that every day for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes for you to believe me." He slides a hand up Dean's side, kissing his jaw, but Dean's mind is stuck on _the rest of our lives._

For once, he doesn't think too much about it; he lets Cas' words wash over him, but he doesn't overthink. He lets Cas' hands run down his stomach, pressing his legs apart, and he sinks back into the mattress, humming softly with every touch. 

Each touch is softer than the last, but despite himself, Dean's blood boils, racing through his veins. He reaches for Cas but finds his hands pinned down above his head, and that does exactly nothing to quell the burn in his gut. 

"Stay like that," Cas breathes, releasing Dean's wrists and sliding down his stomach. He jerks up suddenly, and Dean frowns. 

"What's wrong?" Dean asks, surprised by how breathless he sounds. 

"Your phone," Cas frowns. He's twisted around, staring at the side table. He leans over to grab the phone, and Dean sits up, taking it from his hands. 

"Hello?" he says without checking the display.

"Hey," comes the shaky reply. It's Gilda's voice, but she sounds... strange. Mind you, it is three in the morning and-

"Are you calling for the reason I think you're calling?" he asks, and Cas cocks a confused eyebrow at him.

"Charlie's water just broke, we're on our way to the hospital."

"She's having the baby?" he beams, his eyes flashing up to meet Cas'.

"We're having a baby!"

\- - - - -

Dean has never been up and dressed so quickly in his entire life. Cas drives because Dean can't sit still, and they make it to the hospital in a dangerously short amount of time. There are only two other people in the waiting room when they get there; a man who's holding his arm gingerly, and a woman who appears to be his sister sitting next to him filling out his admission forms. Dean takes a seat in the corner, and Cas disappears for a couple minutes and comes back with coffee and a vending machine chocolate bar. He hands one paper cup to Dean and sits down in the chair next to him, taking a sip of his own coffee.

"Thanks," Dean grins. His body is vibrating with nervous energy, and he can't sit still; he taps his fingers on his cup and his leg shakes. Cas runs a hand over his thigh, calming, but it doesn't work. 

"Relax," Cas says gently, squeezing his knee, "there's nothing you can do to speed this up." His fingers twine with Dean's, and he leans back in his seat, encouraging Dean to do the same. He doesn't. 

They've been sitting for ten minutes or so when the emergency room doors slide open, and Dean nearly jumps out of his seat. He turns to find Sam heading toward them, and slumps back into his seat. 

"Don't look too excited," Sam jokes. His eyes flick to where Dean's hand is joined with Cas', and he offers Dean a hopeful smile. 

"He's very impatient," Cas says simply, and Dean mock scowls at him.

"I wasn't expecting to see both of you," Sam says, taking a seat next to Dean. Dean's not stupid, he knows what his brother's trying to say, but he's too excited, and too damn happy right now not to fight him. 

"Cas was staying over," he explains. 

"Uh huh. I thought you were in Boston for another week?"

"Turns out I would rather be here," he smiles, squeezing Dean's hand. 

"Well," Sam smiles, "we're glad to have you back."

It seems like another hour at least that they wait, and Dean's slouched so far in his chair that he's almost out of it. There are three empty coffee cups beside him, and Cas is barely conscious next to him. Sam's been snoring away for a good twenty minutes now, and Dean is thankful that neither he nor Cas can give birth because it means if they want to have kids, they can skip this whole hospital at 3am bullshit. 

He finds he likes that idea, and he glances up to where Cas is grumbling quietly above him; they can do this if they want, they can do anything they want. He thinks about fairs, and firework displays in fields, and road trips that once seemed impossible, and he smiles to himself. 

The nurse comes out a couple minutes later, inviting them back to see Charlie and Gilda, and Dean wakes up Cas and Sam in his excitement, bolting out of his chair. 

"I'll just-" Cas starts, but Sam just shakes his head.

"Don't think for a second that Charlie's not going to demand your presence when she finds out you're here." 

Dean beams at his brother, and slips his hand into Cas', tugging him along behind and he all but runs down the hall. She's in the last room on the left, and when the nurse pushes the door open, Dean has to refrain from running. Charlie's lying back against her pillows, with Gilda at her side, and all Dean can see of the baby is a blanket wrapped around the top of her head. 

"Hey," Charlie beams, "come see your niece." Dean steps forward, disentangling his fingers from Cas' and leans over the bed. 

"How're you feeling?"

"Like I just pushed out a kid," Charlie shrugs. She readjusts so the baby is facing out into the room, and Dean just gapes down at her. 

"She's beautiful," he breathes. "What's her name?"

"Diana Dee," Charlie says pointedly, and Dean's eyes flick up to meet hers, searching. "Well I wasn't gonna call her Dean, was I?"

"Charlie-" he starts, but he doesn't even know what to say; Sam and Cas are crowding behind him now, and his eyes are prickling. 

When it's his turn to hold her, he cries, and then she squirms in his arms, and he cries some more. Cas' arm drapes over his shoulder, and Dean turns to smile at him. 

"She's so small," Dean smiles, turning so Sam can see her. 

"She's beautiful," Sam grins. 

Dean looks between the four of them in the room, and back to Diana in his arms, and he can't help but wonder if maybe all the pain and suffering was worth it to get to this point. Sure, he's thirty and has no idea where his life is going, but maybe that not knowing is a good thing; he and Cas can go out and do whatever they want, and his family will always be here for him when they come back. 

Everything's changing; Charlie was right about that much, but that doesn't mean it's going to be bad. After all, change has brought him here to this room with this beautiful baby girl and his wonderful little makeshift family. Sure, some people have wealth or adventure, but Dean has his family, and he has Cas, and maybe that's all he really needs.


End file.
